I heard a quote today that struck a note in me. "Women are made, not born." I believe it and I blame the male gender. Its our fault that they have to live fake and toiled lives. Humans have made so many mistakes in the past, yet we don't learn from them and we will continue to make mistakes and dig ourselves holes. It is a damn shame. I've always thought women were the stronger sex and today that belief was strengthened.
The weather is amazing today! Sunny and 70. I wouldn't say its perfect because it is to hot for me right now. I like jeans and t-shirt weather. But the U is so lively this time of the year, people are outside spread out in the mall, it makes me happy. Yesterday I saw it was going to be a beautiful day and I wore a bright shirt to symbolize spring. Its nice to see people having fun and hanging out. Life is tough, but it is good and to see all this living during such a personally sensitive time, it makes me feel lighter. I need to dress more appropriate tomorrow.
But I didn't title this blog Fight Club because of the weather or womens rights. I had a dream last night that I wanted to blog about. I must be a really angry/disoriented/pissed off/confused person right now, because I had a very disturbing and violent dream last night that I am actually not proud of. Usually I like dreaming of bloody, gory things because I am a fan of shitty horror and sci-fi. Last nights dream was different to me, it wasn't comedic, it wasn't "oh man that zombie make up is so bad" or "why would anyone do that?" funny. It was to real. I think this is a good spot to write it out.
I don't remember many minor details because I woke up in the middle of it cause my alarm went off and I tried to recite it to myself while I was snoozing. The part I can remember the dream starting from is my basement. It was really dark in my basement for some reason and everyone was asleep. Dawson was over and we were looking for shitty horror movies on the internet and we found this crazy "real life" video of a Fight Club type thing. They had a bunch of set-ups like royal rumble, one on one, team battles, but it was much more scary because the idea behind this "fight club" was to kill your opponent(s). It was like Fight Club meets Mortal Kombat meets Cradle of Fear. I just thought it was a visually enhanced video and I personally thought it was shitty but Dawson thought it was awesome. At the end of the video they gave us an address and it said that anyone can join in on the fun. Dawson suggested we go to one of the events, and I told him it was fake. The next day Dawson introduced the idea to everyone and they all thought it was a good idea to go down there and partake that night. I thought it was a dumb idea. Well that night we weren't doing much and we all hopped into a couple of cars and drove downtown and found the small alley it was taking place in. I couldn't believe it was actually real and now I was freaked out. We walk downstairs into some Station4 look alike, just this shitty unfinished basement and there are dried blood stains all over there place. Dawson signs us up for the royal rumble battle and I freak out cause I didn't really think we were going to be a part of this. Everyone is pumped, I can see Jon and Mitch slapping hands and exchanging plans. Everyone is talking about how they are going to kill their first victim. The room starts to fill. Big body builder types, smaller people, a mixture of male and female. I see Mitch and Jon talking about how they are going to try and avoid this HUGE guy at all costs. I still can't believe this is happening and I tell myself it is fake. I rest against a wall in the back where a lot of people aren't around and I just plan to sit back and watch the "play." The ref walks in with a cart of cheap wooden boards and some metal objects, dumps it, blows a whistle and walks away. Everyone starts running towards the objects, grabs whatever they can and begins to pound each other. I get up from leaning against the wall and I think this all looks to real. My group of friend kind of stands there and doesn't know what to do but eventually they grab what is left over and join the fight. I sit there and watch and no one has attacked me yet because my corner is kind of off on its own. I can only see a few of my friends now. I see Dawson fighting this really skinny guy in the middle, I see Mitch for a second before he disappears into another corner and then I catch Jon in another corner in a cluster fuck. He is doing well though. I then catch some people walking into the room through a side door. A group of girls and they brought their own weapons. This is right behind Jon and he is no idea that this group has just walked in. A girl with a knife is walking toward Jon while raising the knife, and I see what is going to happen. I yell, "Jon look out!" and run toward them. Lucky for Jon and I there was a direct path and only had to move around a couple of fights. I get there right before the girl starts her swing and I use my momentum and I drop kick her right in the stomach. The force sends the girl flying into the wall right behind her and she falls to the ground with her back against the wall. Without hesitation I follow up and take advantage of her stunned state. Before she could even gather herself and look I gave her a fierce kick to the face with the top of my foot. The kick sends her head slamming into the wall behind her. Now she is to stunned to defend herself. I use the wall to help me inflict more damage as I smash in her face with my heel. I can feel her skull caving but I don't stop. I don't look at her face but I wouldn't be able to see her face anyways because of her hair clumped together with blood in her face. I feel a tug on my shoulder and I think its someone about to attack me so I grab the persons collar but it was just a ref pulling be away. I guess there is some sort of rule of decimating a body. I can't catch my breath and everything seems to be moving so fast. I want to get out of there, but at the same time something makes me stay. I look at Jon and he is already engaged in another battle, now with a group of girls. I look toward the middle of the room again and I see Dawson still there, now fighting the huge guy they were trying to avoid. Dawson is being tossed around, the brute seems to be playing with his meal. I grab an oddly shaped board and I run over there and I try to smash it over his head but he is to tall and I only breaks over his back. He turns slowly and focuses his eyes on me and I get ready to dodge what ever he is about to throw at me. Dawson is on the ground but he rolls over quickly and stabs something into the guys foot. The guy growls and kicks Dawson in the stomach. I take advantage of this and blow out his elbow with the weapon in it. I take the weapon which is a huge board with a nail in the end of it. While the guy is grabbing his arm I swing the nail as hard as I can into the side of his head. The guy drops to his knees. I use his chest to help me pull the board and nail out head and then I it swing over and over into his face. He collapses. I continue to pound the the nail into his back and now his back is starting to look like a bee hive. After the ref pulls me away again, I run over to Dawson and help him up. I put the board with nail in his hand I run off. Now I'm so caught up I kill every person in sight. I manage to kill someone with a machete and after I claim it all hell breaks loose. My kill count quickly rises and I can see spectators behind this fence that I hadn't seen before laughing as they watch me. Seeing them laughing and enjoying such a crazy event makes me want to kill them. They are all in business suits. One of the guy is holding the fence and I see his fingers gripping it so I use the machete to chop off a few of his fingers. They panic. I turn around and there are these two guys fist fighting each other right next to me. I swing the machete into the back of one guys head and he falls over. The other guy attempts to run away but I swing the machete into his leg and he falls quick. I use the machete to cut him into thin slices. I kill a few more people quick and now at this time everyone is so scared of me every time I approach them they run away. A little group of guys thought it would be a good idea to team up on me but it fails. I see Jon being choked in the corner so I hack the choker in the back. I am drenched in blood and it just seems like I am running around and slicing everything that moves.
Then my alarm went off. Thank god.
I don't think anyone should be dreaming these kind of nightmares. I read that dream book over break and it has some things about dreams. But I think dreams are just a message to yourself. I think this dream is telling me that I am in an unhappy state right now. I am on the edge. I pray that I am not that evil, I don't think I could kill a person unless I really had to. I'm a little bit scared after this dream.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Oh - Em - Gee! (Q.U.P)
Golly,
I just FRIGGIN miss live music right about now. Good thing I got Tix to the Take Action tour which is like Apr 9th I think? Early November here I come again! Matchbook Romance! Best catch up on my Matchbook. Amber Pacific and Chiodos too! YAHOO!!! Everyone should go, cause its going to be awesome!!
(Sunday, March 19, 2006)
I just FRIGGIN miss live music right about now. Good thing I got Tix to the Take Action tour which is like Apr 9th I think? Early November here I come again! Matchbook Romance! Best catch up on my Matchbook. Amber Pacific and Chiodos too! YAHOO!!! Everyone should go, cause its going to be awesome!!
(Sunday, March 19, 2006)
Warped Tour 06' (Q.U.P)
Hasn't hit me that its tomorrow. It will be amazing
More after the show...
(Saturday, June 17, 2006)
More after the show...
(Saturday, June 17, 2006)
My Great Debate (Ignorance) (Q.U.P)
Lately I've been thinking, if I had to choose between being ignorant or being knowledgeable on the things that are going around me, what would I really choose?
It seems like such a easy Q&A, but is it really? Knowledgeable seems like the clear choice, but with the power of knowing everything that is going around you, comes the price and pain of knowing the bad. Sometimes doesn't it seen like ignorance is much easier? I have alot of ignorant friends. Sometimes it seems like I am the only one who actually knows what is going on. (Sidetracking: When I think about what I just said, sure, maybe it seems like I am the only one knows what is going on, but what if I am the ignorant one. I always try to see both sides, the pros and cons of all debates or whatever it maybe. Human self discipline and the mind is so hard to control.) It sometimes seems like I am the only one who sees the whole picture...but if I am the only one who sees all the angles, the top and bottom and not only what is in front of them, who do I talk to see if I am right. Who do I talk to to prove I am not the one who is ignorant. Its pretty fucked up. Now back to the question, if I was more ignorant to start off with, I wouldn't have this problem. I would just fit in, I could just be stupid as the next person and live my life as a "thing" and move on from one emotion to the next. I envy some people. If I was given the same task as someone else, I would stress out about it and maybe just do a little better then someone. the other person wouldn't stress out about it and take the lesser "grade" with a smile. How does that work? Am I being ignorant of their true feelings?
Aren't there so many deep things out there that you wonder about? Sometimes I feel uncomfortable about these types of topics, cause again, no one understands me. They are like "What the fuck are you talking about?" Its frustrating cause I am not the best speaker, or writer. If I can paint my feelings and thoughts, how does someone else really know? Or is it that I am painting something so abstract that it is impossible for the next man to understand what is being seen?
For you RPG VG'ers, has anyone played Metal Gear Solid 2:Sons of Liberty. Pretty crazy huh? But I've actually thought about that before I played the game recently. There are so many unknown things out there, and we lead to believe what we believe everyday. Let me ask you, what the fuck is oxygen really? Are you sure you are breathing it? And if yes, how do you REALLY know? Who told you we are breathing oxygen? Your science teacher? What has you science teacher ever done for you that you can trust him? We believe what people tell us to believe only because we want to believe in something and we are scared of being empty and ignorant. But arnt you really ignorant if you believe in something false? Or do we really all want to be ignorant cause its easier? Thats the problem, I dont want to be ignorant, but then I do. No questions, no doubts, no fears, no pain.
Really, how fucked up would it be if someone higher (not like a god) was controlling what we learned, felt, loved?
I think I know why people drink/smoke and abuse them selves. To make their lives shorter, because living isn't easy, and quite scary. Its much more simple. We are living to die.
Thanks for writing. Just know, I am always here. If you need someone, I will be here even past you.
"The good things in life outweigh the bad things in life, that is what keeps me going" -David Robinson
(Monday, July 24, 2006)
It seems like such a easy Q&A, but is it really? Knowledgeable seems like the clear choice, but with the power of knowing everything that is going around you, comes the price and pain of knowing the bad. Sometimes doesn't it seen like ignorance is much easier? I have alot of ignorant friends. Sometimes it seems like I am the only one who actually knows what is going on. (Sidetracking: When I think about what I just said, sure, maybe it seems like I am the only one knows what is going on, but what if I am the ignorant one. I always try to see both sides, the pros and cons of all debates or whatever it maybe. Human self discipline and the mind is so hard to control.) It sometimes seems like I am the only one who sees the whole picture...but if I am the only one who sees all the angles, the top and bottom and not only what is in front of them, who do I talk to see if I am right. Who do I talk to to prove I am not the one who is ignorant. Its pretty fucked up. Now back to the question, if I was more ignorant to start off with, I wouldn't have this problem. I would just fit in, I could just be stupid as the next person and live my life as a "thing" and move on from one emotion to the next. I envy some people. If I was given the same task as someone else, I would stress out about it and maybe just do a little better then someone. the other person wouldn't stress out about it and take the lesser "grade" with a smile. How does that work? Am I being ignorant of their true feelings?
Aren't there so many deep things out there that you wonder about? Sometimes I feel uncomfortable about these types of topics, cause again, no one understands me. They are like "What the fuck are you talking about?" Its frustrating cause I am not the best speaker, or writer. If I can paint my feelings and thoughts, how does someone else really know? Or is it that I am painting something so abstract that it is impossible for the next man to understand what is being seen?
For you RPG VG'ers, has anyone played Metal Gear Solid 2:Sons of Liberty. Pretty crazy huh? But I've actually thought about that before I played the game recently. There are so many unknown things out there, and we lead to believe what we believe everyday. Let me ask you, what the fuck is oxygen really? Are you sure you are breathing it? And if yes, how do you REALLY know? Who told you we are breathing oxygen? Your science teacher? What has you science teacher ever done for you that you can trust him? We believe what people tell us to believe only because we want to believe in something and we are scared of being empty and ignorant. But arnt you really ignorant if you believe in something false? Or do we really all want to be ignorant cause its easier? Thats the problem, I dont want to be ignorant, but then I do. No questions, no doubts, no fears, no pain.
Really, how fucked up would it be if someone higher (not like a god) was controlling what we learned, felt, loved?
I think I know why people drink/smoke and abuse them selves. To make their lives shorter, because living isn't easy, and quite scary. Its much more simple. We are living to die.
Thanks for writing. Just know, I am always here. If you need someone, I will be here even past you.
"The good things in life outweigh the bad things in life, that is what keeps me going" -David Robinson
(Monday, July 24, 2006)
Euthanasia (Q.U.P)
Go search that fucking word. Its a damn good word.
(I like writing here, cause I know no one looks at this fucking profile (You would have to be a fucking idiot). Writing about touchy, taboo, or embarrassing topics makes me feel better, but I don't like it when heavy traffic might flow through the blog, but I want a chance of some people seeing it. Maybe they feel they same way, maybe they don't but they like reading about how shitty someones life can be. My life isn't shitty, don't get me wrong, but there are things I think about, and it helps to write to myself a little bit).
Here, I'll do you a fucking favor:
When placing blame, I like to try and think of how both parties would view things, make sure I can see the whole picture before blaming a party. Much harder when you are a party. Anywho, lies aside, I'm right. I have no wrong. I played all my cards right. (But if all your lies were out the window, you would have nothing to hide and tell the whole story, but yet you don't). These past 2 years, I think I have lied to myself more then ever. So many people have changed, and I am so stupid, shitty, fucking dumb for tricking myself. I just want things to be the same, things to be back to what they were. I think I was truly happy 2 years ago. I got along with my parents (I finally understood them and loved them to the fullest), I had a close group of friends, I had a growing pair of siblings (And my sister wasn't a wacko like she is now, I hope she grows out of it), school was going well, life was well. The only thing missing in my life was my friend Dean. When summer came around this year, and we were all back from school and college, I had so many feelings. One day, while we were driving, a friend out of no where confronted me about one of these feelings. Somehow he had known. again, I lied. (Truthfully, I was fucking angry. Betrayal, lies, honor, friendship, hypocritical actions. (Fuck). He asked me how I felt, and I lied. Why didn't I just tell the truth. I am a fucking pussy thats why. But is that really what it is? All my life, I tried and present this perfect, all ways thought out, never makes a mistake man. (I don't know of this shit makes sense). I didnt want him to think I was weak I guess...but its really not just that. Its deeper I guess. So deep I cant even reach it and put it on paper. So I lied and told him things were the same when he was a fuck up. He, two weeks earlier made fun of someone and pretty much had a hand in changing someone elses life and then does the same thing. And guess what, his life didn't change, how come he gets away with it. And for that, I should kill myself. (You're perfect huh...). I pride myself in being fair...and I was totally unfair. I felt like because of this friend, I turned myself into a hypocrite, the worst thing on Earth. Then I did it again, if I lied to myself in the car, and I don't lie to myself with the friend my sister talked to...I am a hypocrite. Cause I lie and act like things are the same with one, and not with the other...why, they are doing the same thing (just breaking hearts). Therefore, I think I need to lie myself. Is it my fault? For being nice? For being fake? (Fuck). I feel bad for everything I've done when I think about things like this. I dont know...
Last week, I watched the movie Crash. And it blew me away. When I watched it, I saw people, good people, bad people. No matter how good you are and what you do, if whatever, god, time, fate doesn't go your way, you're fucked. Bad people sometimes have it better then good, and why the fuck is that?! Its not fair...why do we do this to ourselves...when I saw ourselves, I mean us as a people. We set up this system we call living. Its not living, I like to call it dying. Maybe fighting. We are seeing how long we can fight, how long we can die before we get sick of it. Lifes a crazy ride.
(FUCK!!!!!!!!!! IDK Why but half the blog got deleted. Maybe I'll fix it up someday...it was a good one. A deep, meaningful and a very close one. Took me two hours to write...so I cant do it now!!!! FUCKING GAY!!!!!!!!)
(Tuesday, August 29, 2006)
(I like writing here, cause I know no one looks at this fucking profile (You would have to be a fucking idiot). Writing about touchy, taboo, or embarrassing topics makes me feel better, but I don't like it when heavy traffic might flow through the blog, but I want a chance of some people seeing it. Maybe they feel they same way, maybe they don't but they like reading about how shitty someones life can be. My life isn't shitty, don't get me wrong, but there are things I think about, and it helps to write to myself a little bit).
Here, I'll do you a fucking favor:
When placing blame, I like to try and think of how both parties would view things, make sure I can see the whole picture before blaming a party. Much harder when you are a party. Anywho, lies aside, I'm right. I have no wrong. I played all my cards right. (But if all your lies were out the window, you would have nothing to hide and tell the whole story, but yet you don't). These past 2 years, I think I have lied to myself more then ever. So many people have changed, and I am so stupid, shitty, fucking dumb for tricking myself. I just want things to be the same, things to be back to what they were. I think I was truly happy 2 years ago. I got along with my parents (I finally understood them and loved them to the fullest), I had a close group of friends, I had a growing pair of siblings (And my sister wasn't a wacko like she is now, I hope she grows out of it), school was going well, life was well. The only thing missing in my life was my friend Dean. When summer came around this year, and we were all back from school and college, I had so many feelings. One day, while we were driving, a friend out of no where confronted me about one of these feelings. Somehow he had known. again, I lied. (Truthfully, I was fucking angry. Betrayal, lies, honor, friendship, hypocritical actions. (Fuck). He asked me how I felt, and I lied. Why didn't I just tell the truth. I am a fucking pussy thats why. But is that really what it is? All my life, I tried and present this perfect, all ways thought out, never makes a mistake man. (I don't know of this shit makes sense). I didnt want him to think I was weak I guess...but its really not just that. Its deeper I guess. So deep I cant even reach it and put it on paper. So I lied and told him things were the same when he was a fuck up. He, two weeks earlier made fun of someone and pretty much had a hand in changing someone elses life and then does the same thing. And guess what, his life didn't change, how come he gets away with it. And for that, I should kill myself. (You're perfect huh...). I pride myself in being fair...and I was totally unfair. I felt like because of this friend, I turned myself into a hypocrite, the worst thing on Earth. Then I did it again, if I lied to myself in the car, and I don't lie to myself with the friend my sister talked to...I am a hypocrite. Cause I lie and act like things are the same with one, and not with the other...why, they are doing the same thing (just breaking hearts). Therefore, I think I need to lie myself. Is it my fault? For being nice? For being fake? (Fuck). I feel bad for everything I've done when I think about things like this. I dont know...
Last week, I watched the movie Crash. And it blew me away. When I watched it, I saw people, good people, bad people. No matter how good you are and what you do, if whatever, god, time, fate doesn't go your way, you're fucked. Bad people sometimes have it better then good, and why the fuck is that?! Its not fair...why do we do this to ourselves...when I saw ourselves, I mean us as a people. We set up this system we call living. Its not living, I like to call it dying. Maybe fighting. We are seeing how long we can fight, how long we can die before we get sick of it. Lifes a crazy ride.
(FUCK!!!!!!!!!! IDK Why but half the blog got deleted. Maybe I'll fix it up someday...it was a good one. A deep, meaningful and a very close one. Took me two hours to write...so I cant do it now!!!! FUCKING GAY!!!!!!!!)
(Tuesday, August 29, 2006)
Honestly (Q.U.P)
Dont you just get confused sometimes at what life throws at you?
I've been going through some rough times, and I've been thinking ALOT. Sometimes about major things, and sometimes about stupid little things. Alot of my talking to myself has been about friends.
You think they are on your side one moment, and then the next you think they are some spy. I can honestly and humbly say that I am one of the most honest, loyal, kind, ect people you will ever meet. I am genuine and sincere. Everyday of my life, ever since I was little. I like to think I am good with people.
...Or at least I was. I have this picture in my room from about 3-4 years ago and my group of "close" friends was about 15 people large. I always considered them close. What really sucks is, even though I feel that way, they don't. My group of close friends and people I can trust is now down to about 5. If even that. I've been trying to be more honest and my open about life with those "close" friends. Maybe some of them just dont expect it from me. I don't think I show signs of "faking" it or send mixed messages. But every time I try and be honest, I get shot down. It pisses me the fuck off. What are friends really for then? All my life I have been actions tell who you are, be humble, yet honest. I just figured if I want to be more open with my life and not keep shit bottled up, "close" friends are the ones to open it all up to. But lately, when I speak openly, they reject me like I' m being cocky or hypocritical. I say fuck them. Some friends I have huh? Lately, I've needed people to talk to more then ever...and I've cut the number of people I can trust to about 3.5 or so. Weird number huh?
I know I can talk to my Sister about anything. She is growing up real fast and she is understanding life much more now. She is in some goofy ass phase that I was also once in so I am not that worried (although, her friends are my age and they are still on that phase...so makes me a little worried). I've been able to go to her about anything. My brother is probably my best friend. He is still a little to young and spoiled to bring lifes hardships on. My Mom is also there always. She is someone who can guide me through anything. Then I have one friend that I can kind of go to. He is sometimes very ignorant about things. I guess you could call him very "white." His parents also seem like great people. He kind of has the mind of an 8 year old though. But I trust him with many things. But even lately, he has been influenced by others...and I feel like I am losing my trust in him. Lately, I have been hanging out with a friend I used to hang out in the past. We have been clicking and bonding as of late. I used to think he was a little over the top, but I have been keeping him in my inner circle more then my other "Close" friends. There probably are like 4 other guys out there that people would assume are my "close" friends. But ya know what, I can say FUCK them to about 2 of them. Its not that I hate them...but it really seems like the flame has burned out...and ya know what, I don't feel like its my fault at all. Their love for me faded, and therefore my love for them was affected. If they want to try and fix it...let them. But I see my life going away from them. One of the 4 guys is just to ignorant. He doesnt see alot of things. I know he has alot of passion and love for me...but sometimes, I just cant stand him. The 4th of the 4 I just dont know about. Couple of years ago, I would have considered him my best friend. Lately, he seems sick of me. I dont even try to bring up deeper things...just light casual things and he still tries to oppose them. He is becoming alot like my "3rd" friend.
What used to be a pool of friends is no more.
This on top of many other things...just makes times so trying.
(Tuesday, October 10, 2006)
I've been going through some rough times, and I've been thinking ALOT. Sometimes about major things, and sometimes about stupid little things. Alot of my talking to myself has been about friends.
You think they are on your side one moment, and then the next you think they are some spy. I can honestly and humbly say that I am one of the most honest, loyal, kind, ect people you will ever meet. I am genuine and sincere. Everyday of my life, ever since I was little. I like to think I am good with people.
...Or at least I was. I have this picture in my room from about 3-4 years ago and my group of "close" friends was about 15 people large. I always considered them close. What really sucks is, even though I feel that way, they don't. My group of close friends and people I can trust is now down to about 5. If even that. I've been trying to be more honest and my open about life with those "close" friends. Maybe some of them just dont expect it from me. I don't think I show signs of "faking" it or send mixed messages. But every time I try and be honest, I get shot down. It pisses me the fuck off. What are friends really for then? All my life I have been actions tell who you are, be humble, yet honest. I just figured if I want to be more open with my life and not keep shit bottled up, "close" friends are the ones to open it all up to. But lately, when I speak openly, they reject me like I' m being cocky or hypocritical. I say fuck them. Some friends I have huh? Lately, I've needed people to talk to more then ever...and I've cut the number of people I can trust to about 3.5 or so. Weird number huh?
I know I can talk to my Sister about anything. She is growing up real fast and she is understanding life much more now. She is in some goofy ass phase that I was also once in so I am not that worried (although, her friends are my age and they are still on that phase...so makes me a little worried). I've been able to go to her about anything. My brother is probably my best friend. He is still a little to young and spoiled to bring lifes hardships on. My Mom is also there always. She is someone who can guide me through anything. Then I have one friend that I can kind of go to. He is sometimes very ignorant about things. I guess you could call him very "white." His parents also seem like great people. He kind of has the mind of an 8 year old though. But I trust him with many things. But even lately, he has been influenced by others...and I feel like I am losing my trust in him. Lately, I have been hanging out with a friend I used to hang out in the past. We have been clicking and bonding as of late. I used to think he was a little over the top, but I have been keeping him in my inner circle more then my other "Close" friends. There probably are like 4 other guys out there that people would assume are my "close" friends. But ya know what, I can say FUCK them to about 2 of them. Its not that I hate them...but it really seems like the flame has burned out...and ya know what, I don't feel like its my fault at all. Their love for me faded, and therefore my love for them was affected. If they want to try and fix it...let them. But I see my life going away from them. One of the 4 guys is just to ignorant. He doesnt see alot of things. I know he has alot of passion and love for me...but sometimes, I just cant stand him. The 4th of the 4 I just dont know about. Couple of years ago, I would have considered him my best friend. Lately, he seems sick of me. I dont even try to bring up deeper things...just light casual things and he still tries to oppose them. He is becoming alot like my "3rd" friend.
What used to be a pool of friends is no more.
This on top of many other things...just makes times so trying.
(Tuesday, October 10, 2006)
Thanksgiving (Q.U.P)
What is there to be thankful for?
You read/hear what other people are writing/saying and they are all very thankful. I just don't see what there is to be thankful in this shit hole we call life and this peice of shit society we have set up for ourselves. The way we have things set up, we aren't living to live, we are living to die. Who actually enjoys working 10 hours a day at a job you dont want to do be working at, but is forced to so you can pay the bills. I know some stupid ass motherfuckers are going to be like, "this dude is dumb, thats exactly why you do have to work 10 hours a day." Fuck that, we only pay bills, work so our society can keep moving and so the rich people can live the life I think is good. (I think! I dont know if there is a perfect life, but when you're poor, money helps. But I also understand, money is the root of all sins, don't think I'm writing this crying about how I want money). I don't know, I just think about sometimes how fucked up our lives are. What the fuck are we really doing here? I've been reading the looking into to religion and the spiritual explanations of life a little more lately, but no answers yet. I don't know a whole lot about religion or anything, but from my standpoint, all that shit is an easy way out. And a scam set up by a wise man to suck peoples money. Church, temples or whatever the fuck you go to, all 'accept' (steal) money from us. In the Christian bible (I'm assuming stories change from religion to religion)(Religion could strike another thought in me)(I side track alot) it says that because of our sins, we are forced to live under stress and hardships. That shit is the truth. Exactly how I feel, its because some stupid motherfuckers set up this dumb system that we live in, that many people are depressed and develop so many health problems. The dumb mother fuckers would be those idiots that came from Europe to America, fucked the Indians up and then blah blah blah. We all know now, since we are living it, what life is like because history happened the way it did. But think, what if major past events would have happened differently? Would we be living differently? One thing I have learned in life is that you donut know what you had, until you have lost it. Isnt that the fucking truth? A good example for me is high school. Fucking happiest time of my life (Not because of highschool, but it just was a good time for me). My whole time in school, I thought, "I cant wait till highschool is over." But I was talking with a past friend, and we both stated, that we miss it. So maybe life is good right now? Maybe I should give thanks?
Along with religion, I've been thinking more about the government. There are alot of thoughts that I just dont care to write about right now, but I've been thinking about the communist system. What a good fucking idea. I rip on the idea all the time, just cause it fucked up so many times in the past, but who ever thought of it, was really looking out for other people. There is no way a system like that would in the selfish world we live in. People are just so fucking selfish. Another holocaust wouldnt hurt. With many things, I pride myself on team work, believing in each other, faith, love. I think maybe with a group of people who have those gifts and many others, something like the communist system would work. But we all know its a fuck up for now.
I dont know. I just don't feel very thankful right now and blogs are my way to vent. I know many people feel thankful, and I think thats pretty cool that they do. But with things that have been happening to me lately, emotions are weak.
(Thursday, November 23, 2006)
You read/hear what other people are writing/saying and they are all very thankful. I just don't see what there is to be thankful in this shit hole we call life and this peice of shit society we have set up for ourselves. The way we have things set up, we aren't living to live, we are living to die. Who actually enjoys working 10 hours a day at a job you dont want to do be working at, but is forced to so you can pay the bills. I know some stupid ass motherfuckers are going to be like, "this dude is dumb, thats exactly why you do have to work 10 hours a day." Fuck that, we only pay bills, work so our society can keep moving and so the rich people can live the life I think is good. (I think! I dont know if there is a perfect life, but when you're poor, money helps. But I also understand, money is the root of all sins, don't think I'm writing this crying about how I want money). I don't know, I just think about sometimes how fucked up our lives are. What the fuck are we really doing here? I've been reading the looking into to religion and the spiritual explanations of life a little more lately, but no answers yet. I don't know a whole lot about religion or anything, but from my standpoint, all that shit is an easy way out. And a scam set up by a wise man to suck peoples money. Church, temples or whatever the fuck you go to, all 'accept' (steal) money from us. In the Christian bible (I'm assuming stories change from religion to religion)(Religion could strike another thought in me)(I side track alot) it says that because of our sins, we are forced to live under stress and hardships. That shit is the truth. Exactly how I feel, its because some stupid motherfuckers set up this dumb system that we live in, that many people are depressed and develop so many health problems. The dumb mother fuckers would be those idiots that came from Europe to America, fucked the Indians up and then blah blah blah. We all know now, since we are living it, what life is like because history happened the way it did. But think, what if major past events would have happened differently? Would we be living differently? One thing I have learned in life is that you donut know what you had, until you have lost it. Isnt that the fucking truth? A good example for me is high school. Fucking happiest time of my life (Not because of highschool, but it just was a good time for me). My whole time in school, I thought, "I cant wait till highschool is over." But I was talking with a past friend, and we both stated, that we miss it. So maybe life is good right now? Maybe I should give thanks?
Along with religion, I've been thinking more about the government. There are alot of thoughts that I just dont care to write about right now, but I've been thinking about the communist system. What a good fucking idea. I rip on the idea all the time, just cause it fucked up so many times in the past, but who ever thought of it, was really looking out for other people. There is no way a system like that would in the selfish world we live in. People are just so fucking selfish. Another holocaust wouldnt hurt. With many things, I pride myself on team work, believing in each other, faith, love. I think maybe with a group of people who have those gifts and many others, something like the communist system would work. But we all know its a fuck up for now.
I dont know. I just don't feel very thankful right now and blogs are my way to vent. I know many people feel thankful, and I think thats pretty cool that they do. But with things that have been happening to me lately, emotions are weak.
(Thursday, November 23, 2006)
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