Let Go and Move On

It sure has been a while since I've written. Usually it's because I'm a lazy piece of shit and I always find a lame excuse to avoid writing. This time around I think I might have a legitimate reason. I just don't think I've been in any shape to write. Which is strange because in the past, whenever I feel bad or am under stress, I write. This is something I needed time to heal, and still need time to heal. The last 4 months or so of my life have been...well, I can't quite think of one word that'll sum it all up. It's been very much a learning experience, and a very difficult one. As I am still in the recovery phase, it's still difficult for me to sort out all my memories, feelings, pain, and experiences. I'm just hoping that I come out of this awful funk, and soon.

Here is one thing I've been thinking about a lot. This concept of "love." We all seek it, we all want it, and we are all a little bit scared of it. I think at this point in my life, I'm not sure what it is anymore. I know I need it, and I know I have so much of it to give. I think that's part of my problem. I care so much about people, and sometimes I think too much. I think the part I'm struggling with right now is that we can never beat love. Love always hurts. I know there will be people in my life that I will love forever. Take for example, my family. I know I will love them, and they will love me. However, even with them I will have to say goodbye someday. I've never been good at goodbyes. Never, ever. I think one test that Korea put me through, and is still putting me through, is letting go of things. It's going to sting like hell, but you have to move on. If things take its natural course, my mom and dad will die before me, and that is going to suck and tear me apart. However, I will need to learn how to get over it. I will have to say goodbye to love. So I've been thinking, we always take a shot on love, and I think we all know that we can't win. Why take that chance? You are going to get hurt. On the other hand, if we don't love, what else do we have? I keep thinking about that phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." I've been juggling it a bit, and I think who ever said that is correct. Love it what keeps me going. So does revenge, but revenge disappears with time. Love has longevity.

I guess a skill we all need to learn at one point is the ability to let go of love. It's a skill that I haven't had a chance to work on.

I feel like I'm almost back to normal. I feel like I just need one more thing to push be over the edge. If I knew what it was, I would seek it out, but I can't really pin-point it. I think I need to get out and meet people. Or at least just be around people. Sitting at home alone just allows me to think. I just sit around and reply situations in Korea and how I could've played them differently. You know, trying to change my past in my mind. It doesn't work, and it just hurts more. I thought when I got back, I was going to be able to lean on people, just for a little while. It turns out a lot has changed since I've been gone. My friends and I are growing up and our lives are all taking different turns. Now that I'm back, I look around and it turns out that I don't really have a lot of friends anymore. I don't really have a lot of people I can turn to. It's not anybody's fault, it's just that we are all growing up and we are all finding different interests and we all have different paths. My problem is I rely on other people too much. I'm starting to think that I'm the type of person who depends on other people and wants other people to depend on me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know if that's something I should change. My mom and dad have been on my case for a while to start chasing girls because soon I'm going to enter a phase in my life where that is very important. You don't just meet someone and they are perfect for you. It takes time. I'm starting to think they are right about this whole "girl" thing. Not because I'm the type of person who needs a girlfriend, but I just need that best friend. It just happens that our world works that way. I can't expect to live out my entire life with a best male friend. It might work for some, but as I am a heterosexual male, the world tells me I live out my life with a female partner in crime. Again, I don't know if any of my thoughts make any sense. I don't think I am in the state of mind to make sense these days. I'm just trying my best to stay afloat and put my life back together. However, if I am right about myself being a dependent/social person, then maybe that "girl route" is the way to go. I don't have any other way of playing the cards society deals me, correct? To have that one person you can always turn to and know they will be there your whole life. What a gift.

Again, don't listen to me right now. I'm crazy.
And please help me. I need it.