To The Old Man Above

So you’re probably thinking — “why air out our beef on social media?” — but you’re probably not actually thinking that because you’re not a millennial with all history (false or correct) at your THUMB (none of this FINGERTIPS crap! The thumb is underappreciated sometimes — separate post to come — maybe).

But dude, can I listen to this jazz music at a volume I can appreciate? Admit it, you actually kind of enjoy that I like smooth jazz just like you once used to. In fact, come on down, there’s no reason we can’t enjoy the sounds of Miles Davis together.

But are you actually typing on your smart phone with your fingertips? No, you’re not — you’re probably wondering how quickly you can thumb through this pretentious post with your thumb right now! You’re likely only using fingertips if you’re using the tip of your ring finger because your other fingertips are too busy with food and baby poop — and you can’t get Doritos dust on your phone! Your pinky is just there to act as a counter weight — because, well, you know — physics, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and blah blah blah.

The old man above isn’t a god. The old man above isn’t even a grumpy old man that lives 20 feet above me. The old man is me.