Catharsis Through Story

Preface:
This shitty essay was written about 3 weeks ago. I was asked to write an essay for a workshop. I pretty much wrote it all in one sitting (I was told one day ahead of time) and revised it once. I haven't read it since or changed it, so it remains shitty. I thought I would just post in anyways. Some thought did go into it, so I may look back at it in a year or two and laugh or appreciate it.

An American Story Teller In Korea.
A Personal Story.

Teaching in Korea for any native English speaker is going to be a life altering experience regardless of background or where one comes from. Every individual story is going to have its own unique wrinkles. My story certainly has its own characteristics that set it apart from another teacher’s, and that is what I’m hoping to share with this short essay.
When I was asked to write this essay, I was not given any parameters and with only a day’s advance, I did not have much time to write a polished essay. Luckily for me, my tendency to procrastinate during my college years has prepared me for writing last minute essays. At first I thought I would write an in depth analysis about the differences and difficulties an American would have to adjust to when coming to teach in Korea. I wanted to prepare a quick comprehensive guide that future Americans could use. I quickly threw that idea out because I would not have enough time to get enough research gathered to write an intelligent paper. I needed to think of a paper topic that would be intriguing enough to hook a reader’s attention, without having to condense hours of research into an already busy work week. Then I thought of a great idea while taking my one and a half hour bus ride to work in the morning. I could just write about my experience and my philosophy. With this topic, the only research I would need to do is search my own soul and hopefully have enough eloquence and time to write an articulate and interesting paper.
“Story teller” is basically what a teacher’s duty is. It is the job of a teacher to infuse his or her personality into a story; mix it with enough creativity and life so that his or her students will absorb the moral of the story. That is how I viewed my teachers during my high school and college years. I graduated in 2009 from the University of Minnesota with strange little degree called Studies in Cinema and Media Culture. People often ask me to clarify what that translates to, and as I do not have a concise answer to that question, I find myself typically giving an extended explanation. Basically the major skill my department wanted to teach us were critical thinking, being able to understand our surroundings, and having enough skill to take that information and turn it into something. This is why I think the job of a story teller and teacher is such an important job.
My story is unique in that I come from America with a Korean-American background. I had a slight understanding of how difficult it would be for an American to come to Korea and live here. America is land of many luxuries that allows Americans live in excess. I knew there might be obstacles that I would have to overcome that maybe some other foreign teachers might not face because of my Korean-American background. A big part of me did not want to come to Korea because I was afraid of the challenge. However, I had a powerful encounter with a Korean student during a short stay in Korea earlier this year. I visited a hakwon one of my cousins worked at as a special guest. I did not have much prepared for the visit, so I simply asked the students to ask any questions they had about America. Most students asked me simple questions about Hollywood and if I like the Simpsons. However, one female student caught my interest as she asked critical questions about the current social situation in America and how it differs from the social situation in Korea. I was more than happy to answer those questions, give her some historical background, and compare Korea and America with her input. It was about as pleasant a philosophical conversation I could have with someone who I did not speak the same language as. After the students left the classroom I let her teachers know how intelligent the student seemed to me. To my surprise, her teachers informed me that they consider her one of their lower level students. I asked them how that could be and they replied that her math and science scores were too low for her to be considered a high level student. The news stung when I heard it because I am someone who never excelled at math and science, but was always able to keep an intelligent conversation going with my versatile knowledge and the power of free thought. The ability to think creatively and outside society’s boundaries is not a skill that can always be taught. Sometimes it is a natural gift, and I felt strongly that the student I met that night had that gift.
I returned to America in the spring completely changed from my time in Korea. I wanted to leave my comfort zone, and my journey gave me more than I asked for. I was crushed by the cultural differences, I was left bruised by the isolated feeling I had everyday, and Korea even supplied me with my first heartbreak. I wanted to shake off my depression and so I continuously searched for something that would lift my spirit. I made many dinner and lunch plans with friends and met a lot of new people. I hoped that during those meetings, I would get to share a story and get a good story in return. I reconnected with some old high school friends and during those times of conversation is when I felt like my happy self before my trip to Korea. One of my friends that I reconnected with had just gotten back from China where he taught English. I shared my story about the intelligent student with him and he informed me that he saw the same thing happening in China. He told me that he was thinking about going back to China to give students with the ambition of free thought an outlet to express their creativity. His words made in impact on me as I wished the same for the student I met, but I did not know what I could do for her. I slept on my friend’s words for a couple of nights, and then it hit me that although I might not be able to help that specific student, I could go to Korea and try to give other students that are in the same situation a platform to express their creativity.
I am still trying to find the person I was before my first trip to Korea, but during those few hours I am working and interacting with my students, they become my main focus and I am able to put my issues into the periphery. I am their story teller for the forty minutes I have them and to strengthen their minds is my task. I have had the chance to meet other native English teachers since arriving in Korea and not all of them are here because they feel that education is the path to a better future. Most of them are here to make a few extra bucks with taking advantage of a free vacation. I, however, am not here for a vacation as my initial trip to Korea taught me that this is not a comfortable place for me. I am here for one reason and that is to promote critical and free thought. I do not know if I will make an impact, but I will never know unless I try. If I can make an impact on just one life, I will have accomplished something great as a story teller. If I can progress the lives of a couple of students, I will have paid back the debt I have to the story tellers that came before me. I still have some time left in Korea and I do not know where this time will take me or what sort of difference I will make here. My hope is that I can return to America and feel like I have accomplished something, and hope that my students can someday become story tellers and pass on our story to the next generation of thinkers and dreamers.

Hiatus Over

It seems every time I write one of these things, I always have to preface it by stating how long it's been since I wrote the preceding blog. I haven't written since preparing for Korea, and since I've been here, I haven't had any extra time. This last weekend was the most relaxing weekend I've had since being here. Otherwise I've been traveling all over Korea seeing people. We've had a couple of weekends where we haven't traveled, but even those weekends we had deadlines to meet and places to be. It was kind of a bummer that Christmas weekend was the weekend we had nothing to do, but no major complaints. I wish I had a few more friendly and familiar faces around me at the time, but I got to Skype with my family and fully unwind. I think I got to watch 4 N.F.L games this weekend. I love watching my Steelers do their thing.
There are no classes this week and my school has been dead all day. We had a Korean blizzard yester-night. The inch of snow that dominated Gongju yesterday was enough to send cars into the side of the road and prevented many of my co-workers from coming to work. I was the first one to work today as everyone else was delayed. I actually have a lot of work to complete this week as my winter camp starts next week. It's going to be an intensive two weeks of winter camp. I need to have all my outlines prepared and materials ready. Our school is publishing a textbook for the two week camp and I am to prepare a chapter of the book. Daddy's going to be an author. I've spent most of my day reading up on old news that I missed out since I was so busy last week. I was originally told that I needed to have all my winter camp stuff submitted by Sunday, and on top of that I was forced to attend some training course after work. While I usually have some spare time at work or at home to keep up on news, I did not have any last week. I got to catch up on music news (this Paramore gossiping is so cute!), political news (Don't Ask, Don't Tell), movie news, and sports new.
It's already 3:20pm, so that means I've done about 6 hours of nothing today at work. Which isn't too bad considering most of my co-workers didn't even come to work or have been equally slacking. I really should have continued on developing my winter camp, but I have 4 more completely empty 8 hour days this week. Then it's New Year's weekend which I have no plans for as of yet. I'm hoping something comes up where I can be around people to start the new year. I feel as though I might get a little emotional as 2010 has been a very difficult year for me. I'm that it'll in my rear view where I can analyze is and use it as a growing tool. I'm bummed that I need to give Korea the first 3 months of my 2011, but after those 3 months I'm ready to gain some momentum in my life and take off. You'd think 2010 would have been a great year for me coming out of college with all sorts of momentum and everything in front of me. I guess we all need to fuck up, regroup, and try again.
I'm starting to feel like myself again, and it's about time. It has taken a long time to recover from my initial experience in Korea and my broken heart. I hear a lot of people look back at hard times and say that they wouldn't do it any differently. I would have done it differently. That's not to say that I haven't learned a lot and grown, but 2010 starting from February fucking sucked. There was a lot of excitement in February about going to Korea, but there was also a lot of anxiety and fear of the unknown. I took a leap of faith and trusted that things would be alright. Last time I take a leap of faith. Had I had a better grasp on the Korean people and Korean culture, I don't think I would've done it. I think so many people think about Samsung and their nifty little televisions and imagine Korea to be this advanced little country when they are actually a developing nation. I'm glad I got to experience living in a country that doesn't have everything we have back in America, because I know how truly lucky I am to be an American. My parents made some huge sacrifices by taking a leap of faith, and I'll forever appreciate that.
If I could go back, and change things, I definitely wouldn't have chosen to go to J.L.S English Academy in Jeonju. Nothing good came out of that. If I wouldn't have gone there, I would have never met Jinlan Song and I wouldn't have had my emotional foundation shaken like a Haitian earthquake. Maybe I'll write a full blog about that someday, but this doesn't seem like the blog to do it in. That story has earned a blog of its own. Maybe it's because I'm inexperienced with the fairer sex, but I'd like to think when a girl tells you the things I was told and offered the things I was offered, it's a big deal. I talked to her after she broke my heart and during my recovery process and she did promise me that it would take about 6 months to fully heal. I don't know if I'm just feeling better because I was given a deadline, or if she is a maestro of broken hearts, but it's about 6 months now and I'm feeling a lot better.
Everything this time has been about 156.76% better. That's after some rough calculations and rounding down. I've finished 3 months already, and the time has really flown by. That's pretty impressive seeing that I was in Korea for about 3 months last time, and it felt like 8 years. This time I actually have a worker's visa so I'm legally allowed to stay in the country for more than 3 months. I can only hope that my next 3 months will go by as quickly as my first 3 months. Then I'm going back home and having a mother fucking hamburger. I want to spend about a month working out and dieting to try to get into better shape. I lost 25 pounds net before I left for Korea. Which is pretty good considering that I was also lifting pretty hard so I must've gained some mass as well. I think a month of intensive dieting and working out will get me a lot closer to the conditioning I want to be at. I had nothing to do and was dealing with a broken heart before I left, so I went all out. 2 workouts a day totaling for about 6 hours at the gym and of course a strict diet. I was told, and I fully agree, that reshaping your health is about 80% diet, 20% exercise. I cut out almost all the sugar (minus a cup of orange or apple juice in the morning and some natural sugars from fruits), a lot of the fat (sometimes you just have to have a little fat when searching for protein, and I love peanut butter), and about 99% of my carbohydrate while eating in small portions every 3-4 hours. I've never done anything that dramatic with my health before, but it really works and I loved doing it. I was hoping to continue that trend in Korea, but being unfamiliar with my surroundings and having a full time job makes it really difficult. Therefore, I'm hoping to have about a month in America to really focus on my health and body. I'm doing to need some time to adjust and find a job anyways, so I'll use that time efficiently. I'm hoping to find a good job, work hard, put a dent into my loans, travel Europe, and then to school again in the next few years. I have a wonderful family and all the support I need to accomplish that vision. Right now, I have a ton of motivation behind me as well. I just hope that fire can remain lit for the next few years. I think if I ever need to re-start that fire, I can go look for someone to break my heart again. A broken heart is something everyone should go through as it is one of the best worst experiences you'll ever have. A few days after my heart was broken, I was able to chat with Anthony and Colin from Circa Survive. I was desperate and searching for an explanation and when I asked Anthony for advice the first words he said to me was, "that's awesome." My initial reaction was, "what a jerkoff!" but he as he continued to explain his stance, it made a lot of sense. Colin also confirmed that I would come out a better person. As I am just finishing my metamorphosis and breaking out of my cocoon, it is making even more sense to me now.
Well, I think I've avoided working enough today. I've got about an hour left at work so I think I'll waste my time doing something else. Hopefully I have enough time this week to write one more of these this week. If I don't, I'm sure I will in about 3 weeks when my winter camp ends.

You're Coming For Me This Time

I've decided for the next few years, I am looking forward to fucking up. I'm hoping that I fuck up in ways that I can learn things that will make the next 50 years of my life better, but won't set me too far back. I looked hard at my life for the last few weeks, and I learned that I put too much pressure on myself. I'm trying to make every step a perfect one, but I think there really isn't formula for a perfect life. It's what you make it, and if you're happy, that's what matters. Fuck everything else. So, I told myself I'm going to use the next few years and just make mistakes. I'm someone who has to keep things organized and plan for the future. However, I'm at a place where there are so many options and I just don't know what's out there or what I want. I just got to keep searching. I can't get complacent, but I should move at the pace the world allows me to move at. Take it as it comes, roll with the punches, and keep my mind clear and my eyes open. As long as I am looking and keeping my heart open, I hope the pieces fall into place. It seems like a lot of people my age are really worried about their future. That's okay, we should be. We'd be strange if we weren't. We are coming out of college and we don't know which path to take. I guess at this point in my thinking, I'm just saying, "pick one."

Well, it looks like my dumb ass is headed back to Korea. I feel stupid for doing it. I'm not looking forward to re-immersing myself into that shitty fucking country with their shitty fucking culture and their shitty fucking people. Even the common people are capitalistic and materialistic as can be. I've heard a lot of people say this about Korean people, but I never believed them. "My family isn't that way," I always thought. That is until I lived there for 3 months. If you know a Korean person and they tell you Korean people are, "way cool," they are fucking lying. Dirty fucking people they are. I think it would be safe to assume that all Asian people and cultures are. However, to be fair and objective (because I am expressing some bitterness above. All true statements, but I could have worded things a bit more "delicately"), I think I believe in equality too much. Asian cultures are not based off of equality. It's all about seniority, status, power, wealth, and position. If you have things and a big dick, you're the man. No exaggeration on the portion about phallus as women are second grade citizens in Korea. I always made sure to help my female co-workers clean during my time there.
But, all that negative stuff is part of the reason I feel like I need to go back. How could a society be so far behind? Well, the answer is pretty simple. They haven't been an independent country for that long and it's going take them a while to catch up and filter out all the years they've been oppressed and under war. One of the biggest hurdles Koreans need to get over is their arrogance. They actually think they are the second strongest nation after the United States. They will suck off the States like the world is going to end, but after that, they expect to be sucked off by the remaining counties of the world. Until the people of Korea can get over themselves, they will lag behind. My aunt and uncle in Korea believe that Korea has some of the best architecture in the world. That's dumb. One of my old bosses would have these hourly chats with me about how great the Korean economy is. Although they did have a growing quarter, Korea wasn't even mentioned when these reports about the biggest economies were released. China was the star of the articles I read, but in the few articles I read, no one even mentioned Korea. So, when it comes to the global scale, Korea must hush up about that as well. And while China is mentioned, fuck a China too.
However, the main reason I am going back is because of the students. It all comes back to this one student I met during my last few days in Korea. To me, she seemed like a brilliant and vibrant student asking wonderful questions and always maintaining a positive attitude. However, her teachers told me that she was actually considered a lower level students because she didn't fit into some sort of shitty "formula." I feel awful when I think about how trapped students like her are. She will never get the same opportunities that I had in America. If only she had an equal opportunity to express herself. So, I'm not going back for me, for family, for money, but I am going back to help the students. I don't know if I will be of any help to them or if I can unlock their futures, but I got to try. I only hope that this time, I will be given a chance. A part of me says, "let 'em rot in their own shit," but I've never been someone who has been able to abandon people I can help. I don't think I can live with the guilt knowing that I could have helped, but I chose not to.
So, I'm hoping for the best. I'm hoping I make it out of that shitty country, with its shitty culture, shitty people, and shitty air quality a better person.
And if I don't and I've made a major mistake, good. I'm looking forward to these mistakes.

Simple Paradox

I'm the piano that doesn't produce a note.
I'm the writer without a thought.
I'm the mother that can't nourish.
I'm the heart that rejects blood.

I remind myself that world still spins without you.
That I was alright before I knew you existed.
I wish you could feel an ounce of what I was feeling.
I remind myself that the world still spins without you.

I'm the planet without life.
I'm the novel without any words.
I'm the artist that can't express.
I'm the lung that rejects oxygen.

I'm an open book.
Open me up and understand my insides.
He will never love you like I do.
What good am I without you in my arms?

Powerless. Do As You Will.

The way your cold, long hands feel on my cheek.
The way my senses heighten as you slide across my skin.
A permanent high I can't let go.
If I can only express how much I love you with my embrace.
I would hold you forever.

Now I'm broken and I can't find any beauty in this world.
You tell me that look I saw in your eyes was never there.
I refuse that believe that I was the only one.
I know you were there with me, but you're afraid.
Afraid of what could happen, afraid of my promise.

I don't know where to go from here.
You've hopped ships with your vision on the horizon.
I won't lie to you because I don't plan to start now.
I'm destroyed and I'd be willing to do anything.
But you would never understand.
You're going to throw me away.

Really, I Just Want You To Be Happy. Really.

I'm losing it.
You're the last thing I see before bed.
And the first thing when I wake.
I'm glad you're doing so well without me.

Not even a thought of me.
Not even look back.
You're doing so well.
And I'm stuck here.

Don't let me get close.
'Cause I'll take this feeling to your heart.
But I won't take it like you took mine.
With hopes that you that if you remain intact, you feel double what I did.

To find my way out of this hole you put me in.
I'm back and aware.
That love is such an imaginary idea.
And you think you have it.

Really, I just want you to be happy.
Good luck, but know this my love.
He can't treat you the way I can.
Because I love you.

Let Us Trade

I think I injured my finger the other day at Lifetime during basketball. It could be that I injured it while I was lifting, but that seems unlikely. I can't pinpoint the exact moment of injury which also leads me to believe it was when I was playing basketball. I'm a pretty competitive person, so I feel like I might have injured it and was oblivious of it because of the moment. Heal up poor finger. I need you.

I've just been living through a brutal 2010. I can't say it's been my finest half year of life. I think hitting this slippery patch of life has really "distracted" me from who I really am. I was reminded a little bit today of who I was about a year ago. I was hoping that when I got out of school, that I could use the power of critical and free thought to help others, to pass an idea on or just motivate someone in a way where they could do beautiful things. I've learned that this is a very messy and dirty world filled with dirty people. We could all do a little extra. I like to think I'm a fairly genuine person. What you see is what you get. I don't have to masquerade around and pretend like I'm a people person and try to trick people into things. I like to help people because it matters to me. I think that's part of the reason I make an awful business person. Capitalism is not my strongest attribute. I remember being extremely excited before I went to Korea because I would have a platform to be able to help children out. Children are a much tougher audience I've learned. That, and Asian countries very much need to be taught how to think outside the box and the power of critical thought. Don't believe the stereotypes. Yes Asians are good at math and science, but they aren't actually that smart. I hope after I gather myself, I can get back on track and focus on helping others.

Another aspect I think I've become very skeptical about is "trust." After you get pounded with lies and lies and lies, it takes a toll. Even when I got back home, things had changed so much I didn't know where to go. All my friends had dispersed, and even when we did get together, it never felt the same. Things are always moving and people change and adapt. I have changed and the people around me have changed. I'm someone who always tries to hold onto things. I've never been good at goodbyes and letting go. It seems like I've been doing so much of that lately, and it's probably a good thing. It seems I have hit a turning point in life, where I just need to start a new chapter. A clean start in some ways. I remembering writing a long time ago that I felt that one of the most important things we have are the bonds between human beings. I still believe it, but maybe I need to be a bit more independent. Love certainly needs to be a two way road. I guess I'm trying to teach myself that if other people don't want to hang on or are incompatible, there is nothing that I can do to hold on. I just need to forget and meet people that I can relate to. I have been meeting a lot of new people lately. I have enjoyed meeting all of them, but it always hits me a bit more when I meet someone I can really relate to. There aren't many people that really have the same outlook or philosophy that I do. I often tell myself that I wasn't meant for this time or world. It just seems like there aren't a lot of people I fully click with. These are the people I need to find. I had a dream a long time ago where I was hanging from a cliff. There were people that I knew and trusted above me and they knew I was hanging from the cliff. I wasn't worried because I knew they were going to come and rescue me so I waited patiently. Some time passed, and I managed to pull myself up. When I got up and dusted my self off, I saw that everyone had left. I remember feeling incredibly alone in the dream, and I think the dream was only echoing real subconscious fears. I feel like being a people person, that might be an insecurity I have. I can't be for certain, but it's a theory that I've been thinking about lately. When you're a kid, there isn't much getting in the way of relationships. If you like to play in the sand, we will get along. As we get older, there seems to be many reasons why you can't get along with someone. It's a complicated world we create for ourselves. I think that might be what I'm going through right now.

It's almost been two months back in America and I still don't feel like myself. I'd do anything to feel like myself again. Yes, time heals all, but I also want to get things rolling. I want to figure things out and see what is next for me.

Depth Of Field

On a cold February night, I was forced to adjust my focus.
In all black, you stood there face down.
Corners with their vignette, and optics rattled.
Up and down, going through the entire range.
We needed a panorama to capture it all.
I was only a boy, surrounded by the untouched.

Lost track of time.
Didn't remember the others joined.
The world seemed so quiet.
A blurry background and simple object at the forefront.
My eyes knew well.
My heart didn't.

The strike of an assassin.
Completely clueless.
You can have it.
Take it if you want.
It's not like I needed it.

Trading For A New Mask

Not much to update. I just felt like I should continue write.
Not much has been going on in my life as of late. I've just been keeping busy working temporary jobs here and there. The best thing to come out of all this free time is that I got to reconnect with some old friends and meet some really cool new people. 2010 has been a very crazy year for me so far. I learned there is a lot of evil out in the world, but once in a while you come across some form of love. It's important to recognize kindness when it is offered and put in an effort to hold onto it. I hope I've done more than my fair share of making this world a happier place. I have this desire inside to make everyone and everything around me happy and beautiful. I don't know quite how to accomplish this desire, but I hope that I have a positive influence on the world around me. I wish I had a set of well polished skills, or a platform to change things. I'm as boring and as normal as they come. I've also come to learn that I'm also slightly naive. People are not as they seem even if I want the world to be honest. I like to think I'm more passionate about things than the typical person. This double-edged sword has been used to benefit me, but at the same time it has hurt me.

I promised myself that I would put in some work trying to figure my life out this next week. A month of recovery seems ample. During these last two months, I learned that time heals all. It's a lesson well learned, but at the same time I feel like I am wasting time recovering. Why take the time to recover when I could be doing something? However, I fully understand this is a difficult world to live in, and I need to be at full strength to combat it.

I'm looking forward to the second half of 2010. It can't be any more painful than my first half.

Let Go and Move On

It sure has been a while since I've written. Usually it's because I'm a lazy piece of shit and I always find a lame excuse to avoid writing. This time around I think I might have a legitimate reason. I just don't think I've been in any shape to write. Which is strange because in the past, whenever I feel bad or am under stress, I write. This is something I needed time to heal, and still need time to heal. The last 4 months or so of my life have been...well, I can't quite think of one word that'll sum it all up. It's been very much a learning experience, and a very difficult one. As I am still in the recovery phase, it's still difficult for me to sort out all my memories, feelings, pain, and experiences. I'm just hoping that I come out of this awful funk, and soon.

Here is one thing I've been thinking about a lot. This concept of "love." We all seek it, we all want it, and we are all a little bit scared of it. I think at this point in my life, I'm not sure what it is anymore. I know I need it, and I know I have so much of it to give. I think that's part of my problem. I care so much about people, and sometimes I think too much. I think the part I'm struggling with right now is that we can never beat love. Love always hurts. I know there will be people in my life that I will love forever. Take for example, my family. I know I will love them, and they will love me. However, even with them I will have to say goodbye someday. I've never been good at goodbyes. Never, ever. I think one test that Korea put me through, and is still putting me through, is letting go of things. It's going to sting like hell, but you have to move on. If things take its natural course, my mom and dad will die before me, and that is going to suck and tear me apart. However, I will need to learn how to get over it. I will have to say goodbye to love. So I've been thinking, we always take a shot on love, and I think we all know that we can't win. Why take that chance? You are going to get hurt. On the other hand, if we don't love, what else do we have? I keep thinking about that phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." I've been juggling it a bit, and I think who ever said that is correct. Love it what keeps me going. So does revenge, but revenge disappears with time. Love has longevity.

I guess a skill we all need to learn at one point is the ability to let go of love. It's a skill that I haven't had a chance to work on.

I feel like I'm almost back to normal. I feel like I just need one more thing to push be over the edge. If I knew what it was, I would seek it out, but I can't really pin-point it. I think I need to get out and meet people. Or at least just be around people. Sitting at home alone just allows me to think. I just sit around and reply situations in Korea and how I could've played them differently. You know, trying to change my past in my mind. It doesn't work, and it just hurts more. I thought when I got back, I was going to be able to lean on people, just for a little while. It turns out a lot has changed since I've been gone. My friends and I are growing up and our lives are all taking different turns. Now that I'm back, I look around and it turns out that I don't really have a lot of friends anymore. I don't really have a lot of people I can turn to. It's not anybody's fault, it's just that we are all growing up and we are all finding different interests and we all have different paths. My problem is I rely on other people too much. I'm starting to think that I'm the type of person who depends on other people and wants other people to depend on me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know if that's something I should change. My mom and dad have been on my case for a while to start chasing girls because soon I'm going to enter a phase in my life where that is very important. You don't just meet someone and they are perfect for you. It takes time. I'm starting to think they are right about this whole "girl" thing. Not because I'm the type of person who needs a girlfriend, but I just need that best friend. It just happens that our world works that way. I can't expect to live out my entire life with a best male friend. It might work for some, but as I am a heterosexual male, the world tells me I live out my life with a female partner in crime. Again, I don't know if any of my thoughts make any sense. I don't think I am in the state of mind to make sense these days. I'm just trying my best to stay afloat and put my life back together. However, if I am right about myself being a dependent/social person, then maybe that "girl route" is the way to go. I don't have any other way of playing the cards society deals me, correct? To have that one person you can always turn to and know they will be there your whole life. What a gift.

Again, don't listen to me right now. I'm crazy.
And please help me. I need it.

The Fourth Blog From Korea

I went to Seoul my first weekend in Korea because I needed to go up to receive training. The school tells me on Friday that I would be going up on either Sunday, or Monday (which ever day worked best for me). I met someone named Jay (co-worker) that Friday, and I told him my situation. I told him that the school was sending me up to Seoul without anything, and I had no idea how to get up there. Lucky for me, Jay was also to go up to Seoul that week for training. Jay is a Korea native, so a trip up to Seoul was nothing to him. If it weren’t for Jay, I would’ve never made it to Seoul. The school asked me if I could come in on that Saturday, but I told them that some family members were coming to visit me and that I would not be able to come in. They agreed that I could take the day off. I met up with my family on Saturday and went out to eat lunch with them. We picked up a few things for my apartment and went to go drop the goods off. On my door was a sticky note that requested that I come into the school as soon as I can. I figured that they needed some information or something so I told my family that I’d be back in about 10 minutes. My cousin came along with me to help me in case I couldn’t understand the request. When I got there, the school told me that I needed to come in for work. I was extremely upset because less than 12 hours ago, they agreed to give me the day off so I could meet up with my family. So, my family took a 4.5 hour journey from Daegu to Jeonju so they could eat lunch with me for 30 minutes, and now they would have to go back home. This is how Korean people bend you over, and repeatedly stick their cock in your ass. I finished work, and went home around 1am in a grumpy mood.
Jay and I agreed to head up to Seoul on Sunday so we wouldn’t have to wake up early as hell on Monday. We got to Seoul mid-afternoon, and just walked around to learn our surroundings. We found a cheap and comfortable hotel, and claimed our room for the night. Afterwards, Jay took me to Coex Mall and Lotte World where we went to a museum that was featuring the history of Korea. We did a bit more exploring and mapped out the bus and subway routes, then went back to the hotel. The hotel was very nice and I couldn’t believe that it would only cost us roughly $50 a night. That’s when Jay told me that the hotel has a “love hotel” reputation. What that means is that people come to the hotel, have sex for a few hours, and then return to normal human life. The hotel sure did have all the makings of a “love hotel.” A mirror ceiling, a class door into the bathroom, a large bathtub, a shower with glass doors, and all sorts of Asian porn. In fact, the computer had more pre-loaded porn that regular programming. The computer was linked to a big LCD TV so you could stream anything from the computer to the TV.
The next morning Jay and I headed out extra early to make a good first impression. During our checkout, we asked the workers at the hotel if we could reserve the same room for that night. They told us that we could, but that we would have to take all of our belongings with us. This would be very inconvenient as Jay and I packed enough stuff for a week in Seoul. However, we needed to save all the money we could, so we agreed to do so. The reason why we needed to move our belongings out was that people come in and check into rooms for a few hours (for some, a few minutes), and then leave. I didn’t know that mid-afternoon sex on a weekday was such good business. Training sucked ass as expected. The training was presented about 90% in Korean, so the information went in one ear, took a shit in my head, and then went out the other ear. During training week, I probably averaged about 5 hours of sleep. If we weren’t at the training center getting lectured, we were studying for the exams, or preparing for our demonstration classes. It was a brutal week that was no help at all to me.
I don’t remember much after that as it’s been almost two months. I just remember going into work, getting shit on and disrespected, going home and feeling like shit, coming in early the next day only to get shit and pissed on, going home to sleep, waking up, and doing it all over. Of course it’s not all bad as my co-workers have been a saving grace and kept me afloat when the times were tough. The weekends were our reserved time to unwind, bitch about JLS, and just let out some energy. I can’t say I’ve done much other than work and hang out with co-workers. Work is constantly changing and it’s impossible to find solid ground here. They want us to do one thing one day, and then it’s completely different the next day. I had numerous meetings with my director, and eventually the lack of communication between us forced Jay to step in and translate. By that time, so much damage had been done, it would be impossible to fix. We would just go along with this as long as it didn’t break. The school and I still haven’t found a level of comfort, but I’m still here and they tell me the parents have been sending in compliments. The school is probably lying to make me feel better about myself. Koreans lie a lot, so I’ve learned not to trust any information unless I get it first hand. Again, it’s not all bad. I’m sure if any of you have been following my uploaded pictures or my vlogs, it’d very much seem like this trip has been a lot of fun. It’s a blast going out with co-workers and exploring Korea, it’s just very difficult to organize things and for me, it’s very difficult to keep sane because I need to be able to plan everything out and see what’s ahead of me. My co-worker Scott lives a floor below me, and so when ever I just needed to be around someone, or I needed to borrow some food, or I needed help getting somewhere, I would go to him. He has been extremely helpful, and I only regret not being able to help him more since he is also going through a tough time. When ever I feel like Korea is crashing down on me, I go to Jay. Jay has taken me under his wing and helped me out financially, and has also made my time in Korea much more pleasant. I feel like I owe Jay about $1,000,000. I feel like I can go to Jay for just about anything. I also have become very close to my co-workers named Jenna, and Song. They’ve been there for me when I needed someone to talk to. When I have an emotional or psychological burden, they’ve been there to share to load. I don’t know how I can pay them back for keeping me sane, because this is something that can’t be measured. I have an insane amount of love for all these people, and I feel as though I’ll forever be in debt to them. I hope that they will never be in a position where they need my help, but if there ever comes a time that they do need my help, I will be there for hear their call.
This blog is a mess, and it covers a wide range of time. Sorry.

The Third Blog From Korea

I intended on blogging with more frequency than I have been, but if any of my readers have been following my Facebook, they know quite well by this point that I have an absolutely brutal job. The lack of time and lack of Internet access at home make for a very bad combination when it comes to blogging. I was just beginning my plane ride to Korea in my last blog, but that seems like an eternity ago, and most of those memories have faded. The memories have faded quicker than usual, as I have been on a rollercoaster ride from hell. I feel like a bi-polar teenage girl, who is on her period. I was hoping to keep my blog neat and organized, but at this point, that seems like a futile task. I will try my best to catch up and keep up, but I can’t promise anything.
I believe I when I last left my blog, I was just hopping into a plane at the international airport in Minneapolis. Saying goodbye to my friends and family was one of the toughest things I had to do in a while. I got through all the security scans and to my gate with plenty of time to spare. In fact, too much time to spare. The flight to Chicago wasn’t bad at all and seemed pretty quick as the adrenaline was still filtering out of my system. I didn’t have any time to spare in Chicago. I was headed to San Francisco right away. My plane got the San Francisco 30 minutes early, and I had a 2 hour lay-over. Lucky for me, I needed that time to regroup, finally eat something, and get some music onto my iPod for the long flight. I also gave my family a short call, and it was very short because payphones are a bitch. I was hoping to relax, watch a couple of movies, and listen to a bunch of music on my flight to Korea, but there was an old Korean man sitting next to me that insisted on having lengthy conversations. Conversations are a great way to pass the time, and normally I would be all for it, but not this time as my Korean is very limited, and the old man’s English was very limited. There must’ve be a cultural gap because I had my headphones in, but the man continued to tap my shoulder and would spark a new conversation every 10 minutes. If I knew how to say, “shut the fuck up old man,” in Korean, that would have been the time to use that phrase. I watched a total of 0 movies without interruption, I listened to a total of 0 albums without interruption, and had 2 naps interrupted. The moral of this story is that Koreans are fucking dumb.
I landed in Incheon and I wanted to shoot my brains out. Airplanes are so goddamn cramped. It took forever to get through immigration, but finding my bags and customs were a breeze. One of the workers actually told me to lie on my customs card when I asked him, as it would speed up the process. That’s Korea for you. I got out into the lobby, and searched for my recruiter, but no one was there waiting for me. That was understandable as my plane landed a bit early. I waited in the lobby for about 30 minutes. My stomach began to warn me that my meeting with the toilet would begin soon, and that I should get prepared. As I started my way towards the bathroom, a woman with a sign runs into the lobby. The name on the sign read, “Min Woo Kim,” but for some odd reason I thought that could be me. I don’t know why I thought it was. The odds there was another Min Woo Kim in that lobby were probably very high. Koreans have about 3 names total. Lee, Kim, or Bak. However, that lady walked right toward me and it turned out to be my recruiter. I still needed to go to the bathroom, but she had a lot to say. I calmly stopped her when I started sweating, and told her I needed to make a run to the bathroom. I paid for a bus ticket (thanks for taking care of me Korean people), and made my way toward Jeonju. My recruiter told me that she would contact my director, and let her know that I was on my way to Jeonju and that she should expect my arrival in a few hours. I had been awake for almost 48 hours, and I kept falling asleep in the bus. I tried my best to stay awake, because I didn’t want to miss my stop and have to explain my situation to a bunch of Koreans. I got to Jeonju, and I waited outside for my director to pick me up. I helped a couple of white people get to their school via taxi because they knew zero Korean. I felt bad for them, because their school expected them to find their own way to the school. That’s Korean people for you. I waited outside for about 30 minutes, and no one came. It was the middle of the night, and I was half frozen so I desperately looked for a phone. I called my director from a payphone, and ran out of time in the middle of my call. I waved for the next taxi, and hoped that maybe the driver knew where JLS English Academy was. He didn’t, but he was kind enough to ask for my director’s phone number and called her for me. I eventually got to the school, and I was ready for bed. However, they wanted to hold an interview so I my sleep would have to be put on hold. They then told me that my apartment was not set up yet, so they would put me into a motel. I got dropped off at the motel at 2am, and my director told me to get to school the next day at 10am. That would be 6 hours of sleep, after a 16 hour plane ride, and after zero sleep for the last 48 hours. They could’ve at least had the courtesy of picking me up at the right time. Of course I got there at 9:45am the next day, and the entire room seemed as if it were spinning. I had never felt such a sensation. The moral of this story is that Koreans are always late, Koreans don’t give a shit about how you feel, and that Koreans are mother fucking ass-holes.

The Second Blog From Korea

This whole journey to Korea wasn’t manifested over night, and has actually been in the works for a few years. I don’t remember exactly when I got serious about going, but I think it’d be safe to say about two years ago. My friend Ben Lee and I heard from church members that teaching English in Korea would be a job pretty much guaranteed to us. I was very close to accepting a job then and taking a break from college. I think it didn’t work out because the opportunity was moving too quickly and Ben’s parents didn’t want him to go during the middle of his schooling. The Korea trip was thereafter put on hold and looking back, I’m glad it was. I grew so much my last two years of college, and if I hate this job right now, I would have been destroyed if I would’ve came two years ago. I finished school, and lived the life of a middleclass bum for half a year working part time. I knew I had it lucky during those 6 months, and now that I’m here, I’d kill a small family to be back to living the life of a suburban bum. I quit my job in February of 2010 and there was an insane amount of pressure to do something with my life. I promised myself I’d do it big in 2010, and with added pressure from my parents, I scrambled to find something that’ll make everyone happy. I started putting my information all over the Internet, and within a few days, my Hotmail inbox was packed, and I kept getting calls late into the night. Most of the responses seemed like bullshit, so I ignored most of them, but I kept getting a call from a lady so I eventually started talking to her and it seemed she was genuinely interested in me coming to Korea. Things moved quickly, but eventually we ironed some things out and we booked a flight. Looking back, I should’ve waited until the next term before coming to Korea. The first term starts in March, and we booked my ticket mid-February. This didn’t give me or the school enough time to get ready. However, I was feeling pressure from my parents and myself so I took a leap of desperation, and I must say the leap has failed greatly. Well, “greatly” might not be the word because I’ll be taking something very valuable home even if I went home tomorrow. Rushing was my first mistake.
Rushing also forced me to say goodbye to my friends and family in about a week. I didn’t know it would be so goddamn hard to pack for the next year of your life and say goodbye to the people you love and saw everyday in one week. I was getting ready down to the last second. I slept maybe 30 minutes my last night in the States. Due to both needing the time to prepare, and because I was going through the entire spectrum of human emotions. During my last week, I was trying to spend time with my friends, but preparations made it nearly impossible. I would try to have movie nights with my friend Dawson every night, but the movie night would be interrupted, and on some occasions completely destroyed. One night we did manage to go out with Huy and enjoy a dinner at a restaurant. Dawson, Dean, and Huy came over my last night there to say goodbyes. I didn’t get to sit around with them much as I was packing and organizing final arrangements. I got to hang out with them for about an hour before it was time to say goodbye. I shared hugs with my guys, walked them out and shut my garage as they walked down my driveway. Although it was a frequent occurrence, the sight of my garage door shutting on my friends has never been so painful. I tried my hardest not to cry, but I’ve found out that I am very much a crier. I didn’t have much time to sulk as I needed to get more things ready. I gave myself 5 minutes, and then I gathered myself, shook off the heavy emotions, pounded my chest, and went back to work. When I was finally comfortable with what I had, I spent the remaining time with my little brother. There wasn’t much to do, and we were both tired, but just being around him was good enough for me. I knew I wouldn’t have a chance to do so for the next year, so I tried to soak in every second. My brother and I finally agreed that we both needed to try and get some rest so we jumped into bed around 2:00 A.M knowing that we needed to leave the house something shortly after 3:00 A.M. I rolled around for a while, but I think I eventually fell asleep. It felt like going to bed would be a waste of memories. I wanted to remember how soft my memory foam felt, then pressure from my covers being wrapped around me too tightly, and the sense of security I had living under my parents’ house. I woke up the earliest because I knew I wanted to take a good shower, worrying that it might be my last good one for the next year, and because I wanted to feel clean or my 16 hour flight. By the time I got out of the shower, my mom and dad were getting myself loaded into the car. I walked around the house one last time, and held my dog for as long as I could. I didn’t want to let go of her. Usually when you hold her for an extended amount, she tries to sneak free, but this time she was willing to give me my time. I don’t think she understood the situation, and it was probably more because it was 3:00 in the morning and she was tired, but maybe there is an off chance that she sensed the situation. A week ago, the thing I wanted to do most was hold my puppy. My dad spoke up and told the family it was time to go, and so I finally let my dog go and we all walked out to the car. It was dark and cold, but that was the least of my worries. I was really leaving, and it finally had hit me. I’ve already forgotten the scent of my house, and I’d do just about anything for just a sniff. I didn’t think much on the way to the airport. I wanted to enjoy the private car ride, because I was worried it might be my last for a while. Oh, before I forget, I want to mention all the awesome meals I had before I left. My family went out to eat a bunch of times, and we even had a chance to get my aunts, uncles, and cousins to come eat. I don’t want to forget the awesome meals I had with my friends too. Anyways, I got to the airport, checked my bags in and walked over to the security line. That’s where my family had to wait. I said bye to my mom first, then my dad, my brother, and lastly my sister. I knew my mom and my sister were going to cry, but seeing my dad and my brother crying was very difficult. It took everything in me not completely melt down. I wish I had the luxury of letting all my emotions out then, but I knew I needed to keep a clear and focused mind. The line was long and it took a while for me to get to the front. I must’ve looked back toward my family every few seconds, and every time I looked, they were there with red and swollen eyes. I finally got through the metal detector, collected all my belongings when it came out of the x-ray, and gave one more look back to the lobby. The only person I could see was my mom, and so I waved goodbye one last time, and dragged my heavy heart towards the plane.

The First Blog From Korea

I'm 3 days short of my first month here, and I'm finally just finding solid ground. I can't really decide if this last month has been a sprint, or a slow crawl. It has been a sprint in the sense that everything has been moving so quickly and it feels like I haven't even had time to breath. The whole time, I'm just trying to keep my head above water. At the same time, it has been a crawl in the sense I haven't really gotten a grasp on things yet, so it feels like I haven't accomplished much. I'm almost in the same position I was about a month ago, only missing home more and, slightly more confused at work, but more comfortable in my new apartment (if we can even call it that) and surroundings. There has been so many good things this past month, but so many frustrating things as well. In my previous blog that I wrote around the New Year, I promised I'd challenge myself in 2010, and I think I've done just that. I don't know how long I'll last here, but I'm going to test my limits. I'm a people person, and I begin to feel unhealthy if I am unable to have a healthy, educational, and lengthy conversation for an extended period of time. If it weren't for my co-workers, I would have already been back home. They have been my support and my anchor. Our family&friends and our relatives that live in Korea both can't imagine the amount of stress we are going through. The only way we know we aren't alone is to speak to each other. I think because of that reason, we have become a family quite quickly. We've had talks on subjects that people that have just met would not talk about. Although, my co-workers weren't sober, and I'm an open book so this variable might also be a major factor. Alcohol consumption seems to be a savior here, but unfortunately I do not have that luxury. I wish I could write, or even better, I wish I could just speak about everything I have been through. However, my thoughts are every where right now and I don't know where to begin to organize them. I have some extra time at work on Monday afternoon, and so maybe I'll just start writing about my experiences from the beginning. That's a big maybe because my work is not a very good environment for deep thinking (even though it's a school) because of the pressure to keep moving. I've got to say, I must be working at one of the worst places in Korea. Well, that might be a bit extreme...okay, very extreme and unfair, but it's fair to say it's not a very considerate place. Again, many of the people I work with are such a blessing and I don't know how I got so lucky to be around so many wonderful people, but the whole program and slightly the way Korean labor is set up is not very worker friendly. I learned that Korea switched to 5 day work weeks not too long ago (within the last 8 years), and that labor laws are only just now being put into place. We are in the middle of a transition period, so many employers are still clinging to the old ways. Think about all the white people that didn't want to give up slavery. Why would Korean people with money want Korean people without money to have an equal say? Because it's fair and equal? Ha, fair and equal is such liberal paranoia and for such pussies. Learn how to get tough. Anywho, I'm going to cut myself off prematurely as I need to wake up a bit early. Actually, it's not that early, but earlier than I would like. My co-worker Scott and I are planning on hitting up a bank and changing some mighty American dollars into Korean won. Then of course, it's the beginning of a new work week for us. It's amazing that we all hate work this much, yet we keep going back.
I hope to write more soon. I don't think I've asked people to comment on my blogs before, but now I'm desperate. Talking to someone in English (even if it is just via text) is so refreshing. Speaking in broken, infant level Korean just doesn't satisfy my thirst to have a meaningful conversation. I hope that those of you reading are doing better than I am, and I hope that the weather where ever you may be is better than the weather here. If it's not raining, it's cloudy, and we even managed to get snow here. I thought weather sucked in Minnesota.

2009-2010.

I thought the transition between 2009 and 2010 would be seamless, but it turned out to be a more "thoughtful" night than I imagined it would be. I was planning for a quiet night in, with my mom, dad, and brother, and in the end, that is what basically happened. Earlier during the day I asked people if they had any good new year resolutions. I heard a couple of good responses, and typically who ever I was talking to returned the question. However, I sincerely didn't have any challenges for myself for the coming year in my mind. Now that the year has begun, my mind has been at work and ideas started emerging. I didn't have much to do after my mom and dad went to bed and Richard took over the X-Box (if he hadn't, I'd be playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare2. However, I'm glad that on this night, the X-Box was occupied.) And so I did what I normally do when I am alone and without any medium to occupy my attention, and that is listen to music. I recently "obtained/bought/borrowed" the new 30 Seconds to Mars album. I fully understand that admitting something like that could absolutely get my ass pushed in by the musically intelligent. However, I will admit it with my chest out and with my musical integrity entirely intact. I will concede that there are some "over the top" songs on the album, but overall, I'd give it a positive review. 30 Seconds to Mars puts out some highly polished music videos, and their new one for "Kings And Queens" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMX3qv1N37s) does not fail their reputation. The video and the song together has a highly inspirational quality to it that I can't quite articulate well. Perhaps it is just me, and the mood the new year has put me in. Anywho, I got the thinking and I guess there is a lot I want to accomplish in 2010. It's not that 2010 is a special year, I think these challenges should always be attempted to be accomplished, but I suppose my hope is that maybe in 2010, I will actually strive to complete my objectives. Of course I can't pin it down to one mission, but to put it broadly, I want to progress as a person, and I want to be someone who creates change. Maybe that statement is a bit general, because who doesn't what to grow as a person and create change that helps others. However, it seems to me that help and love isn't as easy to come by as we would think. I was having a talk with my mom and dad over dinner last week or the week before. We talked about my potential job in Korea, and then they asked me what I was thinking about doing even further in the future. Lucky for me I had already explored this question (I seem to do a lot of talking to myself before bed. Some may call it schizophrenia, others might consider it a form of meditation) and I had a response to present them. Contracts for teaching English in Korea typically are for a full school year. That contract allows you get all the benefits. Looking ahead, I think that I will enjoy my time there and will strongly consider staying for an extra year. Hopefully they allow me to come back home in between the school years. I thought deeply about what it might be like when I come back home. Would home feel foreign to me? Will I remember where all the light switches in my house are? Will I be able to wake up in the middle of the night and find my way to the bathroom just by muscle memory? Regardless, I didn't want to come home like a soldier from an extensive tour and have nothing to do and be completely lost. I want something to be waiting for me when I get home. I proposed to my parents the idea of going back to school, and expanding my education. The stronger I make my brain, the better I can think, and the better I can think, the more opportunities I will have to make a change. I was thinking of studying something that will encompass: politics, theology, philosophy, psychology, and what ever else involves people (almost everything, duh! Haha). And so I thought maybe something to do with sociology. I don't know if this is even a possible path, or if that's the field that will allow me to accomplish what I am thinking of. I haven't done any research, so if anyone out there has a jump start and would like to share some information, anything and everything helps. I fear that sociology might deal too much with demographics. Well, that's probably not a fair assumption and me being paranoid. I just have these images in my head of me sitting at a large desk, and coloring in maps like the seventh grade. I am hoping through extensive research and thought, I can find something so revolutionary that I can change the path of history. For the better of course. Perhaps I am dreaming too big, and maybe I am being arrogant to believe that I could change the path of the inhabitants of Earth (I think that's a better way to put it, "inhabitants of Earth." I originally wrote, "man," but that's how conservatives speak, ignoring women. And, I didn't want to cut out the rest of the living creatures, because for some reason, humans feel like they have some sort of right over the rest of the creatures on Earth). But who knows, what if I can leave something behind that will better everything that lives, hopes, and feels. I won't know until I try. We all only get one life, only one chance, and if I can make that short period better for other people, I want to do it.

People who know me will vouch for my love of music. I certainly don't know enough about music to be able to write my own tunes, but I think it's fair to say I have an objective ear when it comes to listening to music. In 2010, I want to fall in love with music even more. I want to be able to soak in every layer of the songs I listen to in 2010. iPods and other devices have made it so easy for people to listen to music while they are doing other chores. Well, that's not really "listening" to music. I seem to think a lot about what life might have been like before television was invented. I think about how much fun it must have been to sit around with your friends, and stab the needle down into the newest album you purchased. Everyone sat around and listened, and I mean actually listened, to the sound that was being produced. Today, music is just a peripheral. It has become a novelty. To be fair, most of the children today would not be able to sit for a whole 30 minutes to listen to an album. It is much too difficult for them to sit around without images being forced into their eyes. I wish I knew people that would text me Tuesday morning letting me know they got an album released that day, and that a couple of people were coming over for snacks and we were going to listen to the album. Actually listen. Maybe I'm being too picky, and maybe I'm too crazy.

So, to conclude, in 2010, I need to push myself to advance, advance, advance. I think something that will help me accomplish this goal is putting people who are wiser and more advanced than I am, around me. I've kind of been doing this these last few years. I have seen the number of people who I consider "friends," or "acquaintances," fall dramatically. It hit me, over a period of time, that most of the people I spend my time with, are people who I don't want to spend time with. They were people that were concerned with things, perhaps too "childish" or irrelevant (How tan can I be? If I take creatine, maybe my muscles will be bigger! I am going to see how drunk I can get this weekend). Looking back, I didn't do a lot of socializing in college because I was discouraged by the people I was meeting. I wonder if people actually go to college to learn, or if they go to college to take out student loans to buy them alcohol? I guess the point I am trying to make is that I need to get out and build my network. Find new people. I can't sit around and expect the same people to come back. I think tonight was an especially good day to learn that lesson. Even my "closest friends," had other dates, other people that they found that matched their interests better (of course one of my best friends is vacationing in China, so that decreased numbers). My plans were to spend the night with my family regardless (Having parents that come from another country adds a unique wrinkle to holidays. They obviously aren't going over to the neighbors to bring the new year in. What would they do there, just sit and not talk because of the language barrier? Of course I want to join them and make their night more eventful). Although my night went according to plan, what I'm trying to point out is that if I didn't have my family to spend the night with, I wouldn't have any alternatives. I almost didn't even have my parents to enjoy the dropping of the ball. They made plans to go out together, expecting that I would go out with friends. Little did they know, their son is not really accepted by his peers. I hope that doesn't come across as some teenage angst, insecure about where he belongs in the high school caste system. I just find myself to be a lot different from people my age. I'll leave it to your judgment if I am different for the better, the worst, or neither. But tonight seems like the perfect opportunity to open up my horizon. I will try my hardest to meet new people (something I already enjoy doing) and put people around me who will challenge me.

I hope everyone has a 2010 that they will remember as the year that their life took a turn for the better. I hope when 2011 comes, people will want to hold onto their 2010 calendar so they can remember the year that everything went right, and the year we all progressed as creatures on Earth. I wish everyone a beautiful 2010. Enjoy it, because aren't we all suppose to die in 2012 because some strange tribe said we were going to?