I wash going to continue to write my Zombie dream but Dean left me a quote in one of my blogs and forced me to read and listen to to a speech. Its very powerful and moving and completely honest and true. Who ever presented this speech is and always will be an OG. Check out the "song" in Deans profile or mine since I recently added it. You can read the speech here.
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97: Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters.
Throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. But trust me on the sunscreen.
I read the speech as I listened to the song and in the middle of it I got a huge knot in my throat and I started to cry in the middle of the fucking computer lab. I hope no one saw me haha. But even if they did, I shouldn't care right? Isn't that a lesson from the speech?
So many beautiful things said in the speech. A lot of them are lessons I've been taught or taught myself. A lot of them are lessons I knew about, but for some reason don't practice, maybe I'm a prick or I'm to lazy. Some of the lessons are lessons I know about but don't fully understand cause I can only understand them with experience. The speech made me feel so sad, and so happy and was so reassuring that I am doing things and going about things the right way. I would love to meet the person who wrote the speech. I don't know who wrote it, but it is hard for me to believe that someone young could have wrote something like this. Even though I write about things and have my opinions on things, I know at my age and my experience level, I don't know shit about life. It seems like some people are so eager to grow up. I'm not. I want to take it as it goes. I have a couple of friends who act like they know everything about everything and have something say about everything and talk for other people and talk even when not being talked to, and I feel bad for them. I also have a couple of friends, who kind of don't speak their minds enough. They aren't as bad as the others though.
"The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience"
-It is so well put. Member in an older blog where I talked about how people are obsessed with numbers and facts? This is my point exactly. Sun-screen has been proven by scientists, but advice and experience is so much more valuable. I think people have a hard time grasping this. I think the people who are able to grasp this concept know the people who can't. The people who can't think they can, but will forever live their lives a lie. And I feel bad for those people, because I probably know some.
"I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded."
-Very true. My parents always tell me about this lesson. That we will never understand how things work until we have actually experienced it. Even though I can't understand it fully, I believe them. I look back at how I used to be, and I can start to feel this concept. It must be so much bigger for our parents.
"But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked."
-Makes me scared. I hope I am not wasting my time.
"Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum."
-Can't help it
"Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing."
-A lesson I learned recently in my career exploration class.
"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind."
-I've already been living this way. When you're ahead, be sure to share your wealth. When you're behind, it should motivate you.
"The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself."
"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life."
-Can't help but worry.
"Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone."
-You only know what you've lost when you've lost it. A very important moral and one I live by. But sometimes its hard to know what to appreciate and value.
"Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't."
-Oh I'll marry...someone probably like Jessica Alba haha! And we will have lots of children. haha.
"Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either."
-I written about being humble a bunch of times already. I know a lot of cocky people and it really does bother me to be around those people. Sometimes I don't think they are cocky, but more ignorant. They just don't know they are bad. Sometimes I think I should take it easier, but its just my make up to give 1000%.
"Your choices are half chance."
-It really does feel like that. I said in a recent blog I always want to have control over my actions and how things effect me. Sometimes you just can't help it. No one is that powerful.
"Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own."
-Agreed. I am afraid of growing old. I haven't treated my body in the best way...but lately I have monitored what I put into it. I love to exercise but don't do it enough.
"Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room."
-Just live
"Read the directions, even if you don't follow them."
-Understand even if you don't agree. Be respectful of other views. I know a lot of stubborn people.
"Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good."
-Value everything they have given me
"Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future."
-I know mine will always be there. But they are young and sometimes hard to deal with.
"Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on."
-I try.
"Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85"
-oops
"Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it."
-I think I wrote about this in a recent blog too
"But trust me on the sunscreen."
-Will do
This one will stick with me for a while.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Short and Stumpy
Korean class is done and now I have a 3 hour break before Barneezy gets done with class. 3 hours sounds like a long time but it never seems that long. After the computer lab closes I am going to go read my Rock History novel.
I look around and everyone is using computers to do academic work but I use it to blog haha. Actually there is this one Asian dude checking his Fantasy Basketball team. I already know he has a weak ass team. He may rank high in his league, but he is probably playing against some other weak ass Asian who don't know what traveling is. They all probably fought for the first pick so they can draft Yao Ming. Idiots. I once heard these blacks arguing in this lab and they were debating if Steve Nash was the best player on the Sun or if Shawn Marion was. Shawn Marion is a one of a kind player in the N.B.A but that question is soooo easy. If we are playing street ball, maybe Marion, but this is basketball you stupid monkeys. Oh well, what do I know, I like the Minnesota Timberwolves.
Think about a time when you were walking down a narrow hallway and someone was approaching you and you guys both try to get out of each others way, but only get in each others way again. And then you do it again. This may go on to 3 dodges but usually no more. Well when I am walking around campus and someone is approaching me, it seems like I am always the one to avoid them. One day I tested this to see if i kept going strait would the other person move. I waited for the last moment to steer away and if I hadn't we would have bumped shoulders. Are people that stupid? Are people that inconsiderate? Are people that oblivious? How come I'm always the one that moves? And is it that hard to hold the door for someone behind you? It doesn't take that much effort. The U of M has bike lanes. I usually look both ways before I cross those bike lanes but I always see people walking into them as bikes are coming. I hope one of these days someone has bike rage and runs them the fuck over. That would be sweet to see.
In my latest blog (The one I wrote and posted an hour ago haha) I wrote about a reoccurring dream. After I wrote about it and on my way to my Korean class, I thought about another reoccurring dream I used to have when I was a little kid. It was a nightmare and I was scared to go back to bed after I would have this nightmare. It was your stereotypical nightmare where you would spring up when you wake up with wide eyes and sweat dripping. The dream always started with a helicopter shot of a dark castle with storms over it. I think every time I saw this shot I would think to myself ahhh fuck. But shortly after the castle is examined by the camera you see a group of kids walking down the street. The group of kids are me and my friends. They flip open the fence and walk in. When you walk in, there is a small sidewalk that is surrounded by tombstones. Some of us are scared to go into the castle and some of us are excited. We eventually talk everyone to going into it. As we walk into it, the camera stays behind. The castle has a bridge from the graveyard to the actual castle. Way below is a lake or something. Probably has crocodiles in it to. But you see blood dripping from one of the tombstones into the lake. Then it cuts to us inside the doors. To our right there are bathrooms and some rooms to our left and stairs that lead upstairs strait ahead. Most of us run upstairs but someone needs to take a shit so they go into the bathroom. The bathroom lights don't work so he/she takes a shit in the dark. The is a girls bathroom and a guys bathroom, but in the wall that separates them is a door. I can't think of a situation where a girl or guy would need to walk into the opposite sexes bathroom really quick, but it was there. The door opens and someone kills the person taking a shit (Made that really dramatic). Slowly that person kills everyone off but me in the house. I find my way out and run down the street and he chases me. Just like like in Dane Cooks skit, I am running as hard as I can but the killer is always behind me. I run for a long ass time and the sun starts to rise. I run into a populated area and there are people on the sidewalk but no one decides to help. Thats all I remember.
My History of Rock and Roll class got me the thinking the other day. We are listening to early punk and heavy rock right now. When I listen to those songs I kind of have to cringe. The instrumentals are okay, but the way the lyrics are laid out bothers me. It seems like the writer have no idea what syllables are. They try to squeeze in a whole line of words where maybe only a few words would fit. The music doesn't seem organized. I always wondered why I don't like oldies when people always brag that music back then was better. When I listen to Senses Fail and then Led Zeppelin the way the syllables fall into the song are way different. So I was thinking about this the other day, and I thought maybe Rap music is the biggest contributor to music. Rap is always, or used to always have a certain flow to it. It was done more "poetically" and I just think the lyrics fit and were organized better. We haven't gotten to rap and hip-hop yet in the class, but maybe only after rap was introduced is when people looked to structure lyrics into the music more. Maybe I'm not sure.
I look around and everyone is using computers to do academic work but I use it to blog haha. Actually there is this one Asian dude checking his Fantasy Basketball team. I already know he has a weak ass team. He may rank high in his league, but he is probably playing against some other weak ass Asian who don't know what traveling is. They all probably fought for the first pick so they can draft Yao Ming. Idiots. I once heard these blacks arguing in this lab and they were debating if Steve Nash was the best player on the Sun or if Shawn Marion was. Shawn Marion is a one of a kind player in the N.B.A but that question is soooo easy. If we are playing street ball, maybe Marion, but this is basketball you stupid monkeys. Oh well, what do I know, I like the Minnesota Timberwolves.
Think about a time when you were walking down a narrow hallway and someone was approaching you and you guys both try to get out of each others way, but only get in each others way again. And then you do it again. This may go on to 3 dodges but usually no more. Well when I am walking around campus and someone is approaching me, it seems like I am always the one to avoid them. One day I tested this to see if i kept going strait would the other person move. I waited for the last moment to steer away and if I hadn't we would have bumped shoulders. Are people that stupid? Are people that inconsiderate? Are people that oblivious? How come I'm always the one that moves? And is it that hard to hold the door for someone behind you? It doesn't take that much effort. The U of M has bike lanes. I usually look both ways before I cross those bike lanes but I always see people walking into them as bikes are coming. I hope one of these days someone has bike rage and runs them the fuck over. That would be sweet to see.
In my latest blog (The one I wrote and posted an hour ago haha) I wrote about a reoccurring dream. After I wrote about it and on my way to my Korean class, I thought about another reoccurring dream I used to have when I was a little kid. It was a nightmare and I was scared to go back to bed after I would have this nightmare. It was your stereotypical nightmare where you would spring up when you wake up with wide eyes and sweat dripping. The dream always started with a helicopter shot of a dark castle with storms over it. I think every time I saw this shot I would think to myself ahhh fuck. But shortly after the castle is examined by the camera you see a group of kids walking down the street. The group of kids are me and my friends. They flip open the fence and walk in. When you walk in, there is a small sidewalk that is surrounded by tombstones. Some of us are scared to go into the castle and some of us are excited. We eventually talk everyone to going into it. As we walk into it, the camera stays behind. The castle has a bridge from the graveyard to the actual castle. Way below is a lake or something. Probably has crocodiles in it to. But you see blood dripping from one of the tombstones into the lake. Then it cuts to us inside the doors. To our right there are bathrooms and some rooms to our left and stairs that lead upstairs strait ahead. Most of us run upstairs but someone needs to take a shit so they go into the bathroom. The bathroom lights don't work so he/she takes a shit in the dark. The is a girls bathroom and a guys bathroom, but in the wall that separates them is a door. I can't think of a situation where a girl or guy would need to walk into the opposite sexes bathroom really quick, but it was there. The door opens and someone kills the person taking a shit (Made that really dramatic). Slowly that person kills everyone off but me in the house. I find my way out and run down the street and he chases me. Just like like in Dane Cooks skit, I am running as hard as I can but the killer is always behind me. I run for a long ass time and the sun starts to rise. I run into a populated area and there are people on the sidewalk but no one decides to help. Thats all I remember.
My History of Rock and Roll class got me the thinking the other day. We are listening to early punk and heavy rock right now. When I listen to those songs I kind of have to cringe. The instrumentals are okay, but the way the lyrics are laid out bothers me. It seems like the writer have no idea what syllables are. They try to squeeze in a whole line of words where maybe only a few words would fit. The music doesn't seem organized. I always wondered why I don't like oldies when people always brag that music back then was better. When I listen to Senses Fail and then Led Zeppelin the way the syllables fall into the song are way different. So I was thinking about this the other day, and I thought maybe Rap music is the biggest contributor to music. Rap is always, or used to always have a certain flow to it. It was done more "poetically" and I just think the lyrics fit and were organized better. We haven't gotten to rap and hip-hop yet in the class, but maybe only after rap was introduced is when people looked to structure lyrics into the music more. Maybe I'm not sure.
Cut the Blue wire or the Red wire?
Concert weekend is coming up REAL quick and I get bubble belly everything I think about it. I remember reading about the Armor for Sleep, Underoath, and Taking Back Sunday concert before our Senses trip in Nov and thinking how far away March is. Well its now a little more then a week away and it feels like I've had time to take a couple of naps and a couple of shits. I can't believe it so close. I just wrote on the all the doubler header's walls asking them if they want to wear our Geek Squad shirts to the shows. It would be sweet. But do we want to wear them to both the shows or just to one and if just one, which one? I think it would be awesome to wear them to both, but then we would have to clean them over night (Well most of my buds are slobs and I don't think they would mind nasty shirts. I have like 3 Geek Squad shirts so no problem for me). We will chit chat. Also, I need to bring up the thought of Applebees after the Anberlin and Meg and Dia show. That would be baller. Lots of water and a little snack. A new band that I checked out since they are playing at the Anberlin show is Jonezetta. They are a pretty sweet band and it should be an awesome opener (But not as sweet as Armor for Sleep. Armor for Sleep opening?! Jizz). Everyone should give them a try. They in my point of view sound like a blend of Midtown meets The Rasmus with a more electric feeling with a light The Format influence. They also use brass instruments in a couple of tunes and it gives it a ska feel. They have a little 80's zip to them as well. Its not bad stuff and the dudes seem really cool. When I friended them on MySpace they sent me a message with the friend approval. Pretty cool of them, even if it might have just been a representative. I mean most the bands I listen to probably aren't even gold, and a little interaction with fans doesn't sound that hard.
I've been thinking more and more about moving to Melrose with some of my friends next year. I know its going to be an amazing experience and its going to be a lot of fun, but I've been trying to play out all the band things that might happen and those images scare me. I get this feeling that our refrigerator is not going to be clean, with jars tipped over and leaking and mold growing on the sides. I get this image of sauce stained microwave sides and dirty dishes lying around waiting for me to clean them. I get the image of pizza boxes scattered all of the floor and magazines and paper tossed around. I'm scared that when you walk by their rooms you are going to need a gas mask. I scared at what the bathrooms are going to look like. And I'm scared that I am the only one who actually cares to keep everything clean. I don't think the people I am moving in with really care about keeping a sharp appearance, about hygiene, and about keeping their surroundings clean. I vision myself having to do a lot of house work. I don't think I want to wash my clothes during the same wash as them either. I get the idea that they have poop stained underwear. The idea behind washing clothes is to make them cleaner, not to spread the filth evenly among other peoples clothes. I am scared to wash my socks in the same load as Mitchell's because his feet are VERY VERY stank! Sometimes when we sit around in Jon's basement and the way everyone sits makes it so Mitch is sitting on the couch next to me while I sit at the feet of the couch and closer to his feet. The smell is suffocating and unbearable. I guess as long as things work out, and my separate room and bathroom is clean, I will have an escape area.
Ever since Jon didn't get accepted to the U of M I've been planning what my life is going to be like Post-Jon. And its scary. At first it didn't hit me so hard, but after we got our place at Melrose its been hitting me harder and more real. I guess I always thought that it would be Dean, Jon and Me causing chaos together. The other day Mitch brought it up and said that it is going to be weird without him around every weekend. And I told him that I've been thinking about it too, and thats all I wanted to say. I didn't want to talk about anymore. I didn't think college and distance could put such a strain on a friendship. I thought things would remain the same and when you are back together things would just pick up. I always compared it to when Dean moved away from the neighborhood. I always thought there was a brotherhood bond and that bond would never break. I think I give peoples loyalty to much credit because just give them the loyalty I feel inside. Over my 2 years of college, I've learned that people who you think love you, don't actually give a shit about you. Once something better comes by, they are quick to jump on that bandwagon. My bandwagon doesn't supply people with booze and and naked girls and parties, but it does hold loyalty and honesty and love but in our society that doesn't appeal. In my AP issue someone brought up the question, "Do nice guys really finish last?" And at this point in my life, yes, they do. I hear in the long run, things start to look better. I hope so. Jon has plans to attend UMD and I am scared to death I am going to lose him to. He stated he is choosing UMD so his transfer to the Twin Cities campus will be easier. But I heard the whole transfer story two years ago and I don't see any of my past friends here now. History is perfectly lined up to repeat itself. And if it does repeat it self, that will leave Dean and myself as the only two OG's left. UMD means Jon will be spending a lot of time with Ben, which is good and bad. Ben's a good guy and but someone that has different morals then me. If Ben is the only friend Jon is going to have up there, I don't see any chance Jon doesn't get sucked into the college life. He will forget about me and our past just as quickly as my old friends. And that sucks because I feel like I have sacrificed a lot to keep our friendship as strong as possible. I feel like I have sacrificed a lot to keep all my friendships healthy and it makes me sad when people ignore it. My feelings on this whole situation are a little confusing but I mostly have a negative feel about it all. I've been down this road and it wasn't a smooth one. I hope Jon considers our long lasting friendship a little more then some of my friends in the past. I have nothing but love for that guy and even if he decides to throw it away, I will always remember.
Today I woke up from a dream I've had many times in the past. The dream is mostly always the same with a few details changed. The dream is set in south Minneapolis between Lake Street and Hiawatha. For some reason I start in the same spot without knowing how I got there. I am always given a a method of transportation. This time I was given a wheelchair and I remember one time I was left with a scooter. For some reason my guy, who I have some control over, always decides to go to this corner store. Each time I can't remember how get there but I use landmarks to guide my way. the horizon is always dusty and green. I always look down the long city roads and see faded buildings hiding behind the green dust. I always see the same building and know to take a right and then the next left and then I should be two blocks away from the corner store. And the corner store is always there to my left. Sometimes it has a different sign posted above its door. On my way to the store, I always get the feeling that I am going to be mugged. I've never been attacked in any of the episodes but I always get the idea they are going to attack me because I am from the suburbs and that I left them. When ever I enter the store, they always have amazing deals. Last night they had huge boxes of fruit snacks for a dollar a piece. In the next aisle they had big jugs of Gatorade for 50 cents. In the dream I always wonder how they sell these products for so cheap. I always check the expiration date and the drinks are always overdue. I don't remember what I did after that from my dream last night, but I do remember when I had this dream before I walked to my old house by South High. I always just walk by and see a bunch of Mexicans running around inside. then I walk through my old alley and turn the corner to the place where I almost got shot in the head. After I leave the alley an old friend of mine always runs up and says hi. We talk for a little while and then I walk over to Ayabe's house. When I get to Ayabe's I knock on his door. I always knocked the same way when I would go over to his house and then he would repeat the knock back to me from the other side. He opens the door and I am thrilled to see him but he just walks back upstairs after letting me in. His living room is brand new and his parents and some friends are having dinner. I say hi to his parents and they offer me a plate. Our friend Sye is there too. I say hi to him and he says hi back only a little more friendly the Ayabe. Thats all I remember.
I did one of those chain bulletins on MySpace this week or last week and one of the questions were, "Have you ever been in love?" And I didn't know how to answer it. What is love? Its not tangible and difficult to describe so how do we define it? I read Stephen Christian's blog (Front man of Anberlin) the other week and he had this one blog about love that was interesting. It was cool to read how someone else viewed love. I know some people are going to say, "You don't know what love is because you never felt it" and this might be true. But what if I have felt it but didn't know I was feeling it? I've been heartbroken before, I've been disappointed and I've been sad. Does this meet the criteria of love? I've meet people that I would do anything for if they gave me the chance. Does this meet your definition of love? Really think about it. I don't think any of us can really grasp what love is, yet we search endlessly for it. What if it doesn't even exist? Just some word and idea someone made up. Whatever it is, we all want it, including me. But what if we are searching for something that isn't there.
I've been thinking more and more about moving to Melrose with some of my friends next year. I know its going to be an amazing experience and its going to be a lot of fun, but I've been trying to play out all the band things that might happen and those images scare me. I get this feeling that our refrigerator is not going to be clean, with jars tipped over and leaking and mold growing on the sides. I get this image of sauce stained microwave sides and dirty dishes lying around waiting for me to clean them. I get the image of pizza boxes scattered all of the floor and magazines and paper tossed around. I'm scared that when you walk by their rooms you are going to need a gas mask. I scared at what the bathrooms are going to look like. And I'm scared that I am the only one who actually cares to keep everything clean. I don't think the people I am moving in with really care about keeping a sharp appearance, about hygiene, and about keeping their surroundings clean. I vision myself having to do a lot of house work. I don't think I want to wash my clothes during the same wash as them either. I get the idea that they have poop stained underwear. The idea behind washing clothes is to make them cleaner, not to spread the filth evenly among other peoples clothes. I am scared to wash my socks in the same load as Mitchell's because his feet are VERY VERY stank! Sometimes when we sit around in Jon's basement and the way everyone sits makes it so Mitch is sitting on the couch next to me while I sit at the feet of the couch and closer to his feet. The smell is suffocating and unbearable. I guess as long as things work out, and my separate room and bathroom is clean, I will have an escape area.
Ever since Jon didn't get accepted to the U of M I've been planning what my life is going to be like Post-Jon. And its scary. At first it didn't hit me so hard, but after we got our place at Melrose its been hitting me harder and more real. I guess I always thought that it would be Dean, Jon and Me causing chaos together. The other day Mitch brought it up and said that it is going to be weird without him around every weekend. And I told him that I've been thinking about it too, and thats all I wanted to say. I didn't want to talk about anymore. I didn't think college and distance could put such a strain on a friendship. I thought things would remain the same and when you are back together things would just pick up. I always compared it to when Dean moved away from the neighborhood. I always thought there was a brotherhood bond and that bond would never break. I think I give peoples loyalty to much credit because just give them the loyalty I feel inside. Over my 2 years of college, I've learned that people who you think love you, don't actually give a shit about you. Once something better comes by, they are quick to jump on that bandwagon. My bandwagon doesn't supply people with booze and and naked girls and parties, but it does hold loyalty and honesty and love but in our society that doesn't appeal. In my AP issue someone brought up the question, "Do nice guys really finish last?" And at this point in my life, yes, they do. I hear in the long run, things start to look better. I hope so. Jon has plans to attend UMD and I am scared to death I am going to lose him to. He stated he is choosing UMD so his transfer to the Twin Cities campus will be easier. But I heard the whole transfer story two years ago and I don't see any of my past friends here now. History is perfectly lined up to repeat itself. And if it does repeat it self, that will leave Dean and myself as the only two OG's left. UMD means Jon will be spending a lot of time with Ben, which is good and bad. Ben's a good guy and but someone that has different morals then me. If Ben is the only friend Jon is going to have up there, I don't see any chance Jon doesn't get sucked into the college life. He will forget about me and our past just as quickly as my old friends. And that sucks because I feel like I have sacrificed a lot to keep our friendship as strong as possible. I feel like I have sacrificed a lot to keep all my friendships healthy and it makes me sad when people ignore it. My feelings on this whole situation are a little confusing but I mostly have a negative feel about it all. I've been down this road and it wasn't a smooth one. I hope Jon considers our long lasting friendship a little more then some of my friends in the past. I have nothing but love for that guy and even if he decides to throw it away, I will always remember.
Today I woke up from a dream I've had many times in the past. The dream is mostly always the same with a few details changed. The dream is set in south Minneapolis between Lake Street and Hiawatha. For some reason I start in the same spot without knowing how I got there. I am always given a a method of transportation. This time I was given a wheelchair and I remember one time I was left with a scooter. For some reason my guy, who I have some control over, always decides to go to this corner store. Each time I can't remember how get there but I use landmarks to guide my way. the horizon is always dusty and green. I always look down the long city roads and see faded buildings hiding behind the green dust. I always see the same building and know to take a right and then the next left and then I should be two blocks away from the corner store. And the corner store is always there to my left. Sometimes it has a different sign posted above its door. On my way to the store, I always get the feeling that I am going to be mugged. I've never been attacked in any of the episodes but I always get the idea they are going to attack me because I am from the suburbs and that I left them. When ever I enter the store, they always have amazing deals. Last night they had huge boxes of fruit snacks for a dollar a piece. In the next aisle they had big jugs of Gatorade for 50 cents. In the dream I always wonder how they sell these products for so cheap. I always check the expiration date and the drinks are always overdue. I don't remember what I did after that from my dream last night, but I do remember when I had this dream before I walked to my old house by South High. I always just walk by and see a bunch of Mexicans running around inside. then I walk through my old alley and turn the corner to the place where I almost got shot in the head. After I leave the alley an old friend of mine always runs up and says hi. We talk for a little while and then I walk over to Ayabe's house. When I get to Ayabe's I knock on his door. I always knocked the same way when I would go over to his house and then he would repeat the knock back to me from the other side. He opens the door and I am thrilled to see him but he just walks back upstairs after letting me in. His living room is brand new and his parents and some friends are having dinner. I say hi to his parents and they offer me a plate. Our friend Sye is there too. I say hi to him and he says hi back only a little more friendly the Ayabe. Thats all I remember.
I did one of those chain bulletins on MySpace this week or last week and one of the questions were, "Have you ever been in love?" And I didn't know how to answer it. What is love? Its not tangible and difficult to describe so how do we define it? I read Stephen Christian's blog (Front man of Anberlin) the other week and he had this one blog about love that was interesting. It was cool to read how someone else viewed love. I know some people are going to say, "You don't know what love is because you never felt it" and this might be true. But what if I have felt it but didn't know I was feeling it? I've been heartbroken before, I've been disappointed and I've been sad. Does this meet the criteria of love? I've meet people that I would do anything for if they gave me the chance. Does this meet your definition of love? Really think about it. I don't think any of us can really grasp what love is, yet we search endlessly for it. What if it doesn't even exist? Just some word and idea someone made up. Whatever it is, we all want it, including me. But what if we are searching for something that isn't there.
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