So This Is An Identity Crisis

This is my first entry since returning to America. I’ve been meaning to write for a couple of weeks now, but writing always got pushed back for chores that needed more immediate attention. I just got back from gym where I didn’t go for my run tonight because I forgot to bring a spare shirt and I didn’t want to wear a drenched gray shirt on the way home. Because I didn’t go for my run, I came home and I had some spare time. I juggled the options of watching Real Time, playing Tetris, or writing with my unexpected time. I figured I had put off writing for far too long, and I told myself even if I don’t get all my thoughts into text within the next hour, at least I will have purged some of my thoughts. So, even if my thoughts here are incoherent, scattered, or just plain stupid, I owe it to myself to sit for the next hour and just talk to myself.
2010 was not an easy year for me. However, I think it might have been the best thing to happen to me. It took me a while to find myself, but when I did finally emerge from my metamorphosis, I found myself much more composed, confident, and able. I’m not exactly sure when I did break out of my cocoon, but I can guess that it was shortly after I arrived back home. I needed some time to settle in, analyze, and crystallize when I got home. Everything seemed to be stuck in a giant magnetic ball, and I needed to pull each hunk of metal and put it into its place. I had so much fun in Korea this time around, and I met so many people that I hope I can stay in touch with. I don’t see these relationships growing because of the distance and language barrier, but I appreciate meeting everyone I did. However much I’d like to be optimistic, my realist side speaks louder. I found that in the last couple of months, my senses of analyzing myself and the people around me have greatly heightened. I don’t just give my friends, family, and myself the benefit of that doubt anymore. Again, maybe it’s the realist in me that wants to kick and scream. When objectivity doesn’t get its Captain Crunch, it’s going to make a scene in aisle 6.
I’ve realized I haven’t done the best job of putting intelligent, articulate, and sincere people around me. When I was younger, I thought loyalty was the best thing I could offer anyone. I was willing to blindly go into battle for anyone I felt was close to me. It was always about putting someone else ahead of me. Someone asked me a long time ago, “If you knew your parents were wrong, would you still defend them?” At that time, that was an easy question, however, I can’t say I feel the same way anymore. I focused a lot on myself and developing myself via various avenues after my heartbreak. I was so depressed, I searched and searched for anything that would help me break the grasp that depression had on me. I focused on what made me feel better, what made me a better person, what made me a more productive member of society. I haven’t found an absolute answer as I am still in the middle of my escapade, but I have picked up bits and pieces along the way.
One thing I learned is that you need good people around you. You can take this journey alone and you will need a good crew to aid you. So I looked around and I didn’t see a lot of people. The lack of people didn’t bother me because I believe that quality conquers quantity. So I looked again, and I noticed that I had neither quantity nor quality. I noticed this more and more towards the end of my trip in Korea. One of my favorite ways to spend my time is over a meal with people having a great conversation. For me, nothing makes me forget about time like a good conversation with great story tellers. I noticed that I could spill out my thoughts just fine, but if there is not a comprehending audience, it’s hardly worth my breath. It really hit me hard when I couldn’t even explain the elementary terms “bad” and “sad” to one of my friends. I don’t think it was because of a lack of articulation on my part, because some of my other friends understood my stance. However, I wouldn’t completely discredit that reasoning either. It very well could have been my lack of communication. Call it arrogance; call it confidence, I still think it’s unlikely. This same friend still doesn’t understand that Europe is not a country. So I started stepping back during conversations with people to see what else I could see, to see what I might have been missing. I realized that when some of my friends talk, the only response I can generate inside my mind is, “what the fuck is this guy talking about?” It’s strange to think, and a bit horrifying, to think that it might be time to break away from these people you have spent so much time with. By “break” I don’t mean completely cut any sort of connection with that person, but that I don’t need to be around that person as often as I used to be, and that I don’t need to go to these people in times of crisis or when I have something I need to bounce off of them. If this were pre-2010, I don’t think I could have broken away, but I think because of what I went through and the independent development I focused so much on, I am able to do this comfortably and confidently. I’ve learned loyalty is much like pride. It can be used for good, but like with anything, too much will make you blind.
It is still a bit unsettling to look around and see that I am pretty much on my own island. That’s not to say I don’t have anyone I can trust. I actually had a very good dinner and conversation with two friends a couple weeks ago. They allowed me to get a lot of things off my mind and helped me refine and reshape my thoughts. I feel like I’m going through this identity crisis, where I need to figure out where I fit in. I’ve changed a lot, and the people around me have changed a lot. I’ve noticed that when I share my ideas with my peers, they usually shake their heads and smile in agreement, but really never move forward. It wouldn’t bother me one bit if they didn’t use my idea and moved forward, as long as they are moving forward. I’m not so naïve that I think I have all the answers or that I’m so progressive. It wouldn’t bother me if we all moved forward at different paces, but some people to me are just too complacent. So again, it comes around to this identity crisis and wanting to know where I fit in. I can’t be the only person like this. Where do I go to find other people like me? Who do I ask?
Another element I seem to be struggling with is my family. I’ve noticed I’m a lot different from all the members of my family, and that’s okay. You can choose your lover, you can choose your friends, so when I’m upset with my friends, I only have myself to blame. However, you can’t choose your family. You have to learn to live with them. As I mentioned above, I learned not to blindly defend my family. If they share some ignorant line like Sarah Palin is their writer, then that’s something they have to be responsible for. All I can hope is that the people who are listening to them don’t automatically attach me to my family member. I’ve learned that my family is not very good at communicating. They would much rather just assume that the other person knows what they are thinking and feeling, and then when they realize that the other person doesn’t know, they resort the yelling. I tried to remedy this issue by bringing up issues before it got to that boiling point in a calm and friendly tone. I wanted to be able to discuss before emotions rise and no productive discussion can be had. Just last week, I was told to be quiet on 3 the separate occasions because I was “being annoying” for bringing up issues I knew were present. A couple of times I was told that it wasn’t the right time. That response confused me because the topic had already come up, and I was just putting in my thoughts and thought it would be worthwhile to dig deeper into the subject. When I asked for a clarification, (again, in a polite tone) of why the conversation had to end only when I spoke, I was told because it wasn’t worth getting deeper into at the moment. I asked when would be an appropriate time, and I was told, “Later.” “Later,” most likely means when the issue is flooded over and is too late to prevent. I’ve realized it is so typical for people to lack foresight and completely skip on prevention. I don’t mean to make it sound like I have infinite foresight, but I do write foresight into my agenda. Not thinking about the next few steps makes me nervous. I need to know that my next step will be on solid ground. So I learned that I am not allowed to speak freely, or at least as freely as I want around my family. This paragraph is not an attack on my family or to say that I don’t respect them. They are my family and I know when I need them, they will be there. There is always a level of blind loyalty when it comes to family. I’ve just learned that my choices don’t match with the choices and ideas of my family members. I tried teaching my family how to recycle. We drink bottled water, and it hurt me to see all those plastic bottles going into the trash. My mother has been pretty good about recycling, and so has my brother. However, my father doesn’t believe in recycling and thinks it is inconvenient. I can’t see how the system I created for our home is inconvenient. I added an additional receptacle near the trash bin in our kitchen where most of the trash is collected. The two bins are about 4 feet apart. So, it isn’t inconvenient to him in terms of physical distance. Well, I guess it could be, but you have to be a real piece of shit person to let 4 feet stop you. Sometimes the recycling bin I added is even closer depending on which side of the room you are coming from. I assume it is mentally inconvenient for my father. Having to break out of a habit, and having to spend an additional 5 tenths of a second to determine of the object in his hand is recyclable or if he should dispose of it normally. A good thing that has finally come from years of discussion is I finally talked my mother into trading that lousy Chevy Suburban in for a more eco-friendly vehicle. She had the opportunity make a larger leap than she did with her Santé-Fe, but at least it’s an upgrade. What really confuses me on this issue is I had the foresight as a 7th grader. In 7th grade, a neighbor of mine drove a Geo Metro. One day while my friends and I were walking, someone pointed out how tiny that car was and another friend of mine informed us that although small, the car gets about 50 miles on a gallon of gasoline. It occurred to me that if the Metro is safe, reliable, and affordable, that it would make a great vehicle because at that time, there was nothing that could compete with 50 miles per gallon. Not only does that help the environment, it makes sense financially for the owner as well. If a 7th grader can understand this idea, I don’t understand how this philosophy doesn’t make sense to adults. Now I get that the Metro might have been inconvenient, loud, and plain un-sexy, but we really can’t make that excuse anymore with the hybrids that are out now. Sure, the aesthetics of these hybrid vehicles might not appeal to everyone. I certainly believe what is beautiful depends on the person. However, for the most part, these hybrids are slick and generally appealing. Although the number of these intelligent vehicles is growing, you still see new models of Suburbans on the road. These new model Suburbans and Tahoes comes with these Flexfuel labels that make the buyer feel like they are doing some good. I’ve been tracking this electrical car movement, and I know it doesn’t solve everything, but it is very exciting to follow.
So, I think I’ve fully entered phase one of an identity crisis. I don’t know if there are phases and levels to be achieved like a role-playing video game, but to benefit this blog, I’m going with it. It’s kind of a painful place to be in, but on the other side of the coin, it’s kind of a beautiful position to be in. I feel like I’ve been given a canvas and I am able to do with it what I feel. I do not want to paint the next picture of my life alone. I have been contacting new contacts, old professors, friends, and anyone who I can bounce ideas off of. The largest obstacle I’m having to hurdle right now is being able to craft my thoughts so I can express them in a way others can understand. The other person has to be able to understand my position, before they can help me out. I’m hoping that once I find a job, an opportunity, or a platform, I will be able to fill in these gaps and find out where I belong in this world. The goal is to leave this place in better shape for the next batch of thinkers and lovers. I do not want to be on the wrong side of history. Please help.