El Fucking

I'm just a frustrated little boy right now. I can't pin point it down to one thing, because just a bunch of events this weekend has made me into a raged child. I am hoping blogging about it quick, listening to loud music, and sleeping it off will make it all go away. Tomorrow a little exercise, more music, and just creating some videos will help me calm down. I wish there was some exciting shit to do to get me up beat again. I wish Warped Tour was tomorrow. It's like I get depressed if I don't go to concerts for an extended period of time.

What is exciting around this place with these people? I wanted to film this weekend but of course people bail out. I just wish people would tell the fucking truth once in a while. Look, if you don't want to do something, just say you don't want to do it. I don't need to hear some fucking excuse. Want to play football? Oh, I would, but I think my dead grandma is dying. Oh, I think I picked up a shift at work. Oh, this and that. Just strait up tell me. I can handle it. Don't lead me to believe something is going to happen just so I can plan the whole thing out and so you can back out 2 minutes after I get everyone together. Football is just an example...and not a good one. I can kind of understand why people don't really want to play football with me. I'm just too fucking intense for people to handle. But I don't think I'm this intense about everything I do. Yes, I like to do things organized, I like to do things right, and I like to do things with passion. So what? Fuck off. Maybe I am a shitty dude, maybe I'm not. I feel misunderstood sometimes. By everyone sometimes. I honestly feel totally alone sometimes. I feel no one understands my philosophy. Maybe the way I think is just total bull shit? How could I be rejected over and over again? I get really confused because I'm just playing by the standards this world has made. I'm just rambling now. I think I talked about this in my previous blog. Sorry for repeating so many issues...I guess it's something that just sticks with me. I wish I just had one best friend, that totally understands me that I can talk to about anything and is just as considerate as I try to be. Is that what ones wife/husband is suppose to be? Something that I can put all my blind faith into and come out on the other end a happy person? I'd like to bond, but I feel sometimes people just don't understand me. What am I? Where am I? Why am I like this? What made me like this? Why can't I just be normal. I'm 21 years old and I currently feel like I just don't have a grip on anything. I have no fucking job. I really don't have any friends. A few. I really feel lucky to have a brother like Dick, a mother like my Mom, and a friend like Jon. But there are barriers even there. Maybe I'm just an impossible person. How can I completely change the person I am? I feel like I am a pretty flexible person. Am I really just that fucking boring? It seems like people just don't really like to be around me. I try to plan stuff to do when I get people gathered, but it never seems to work out. I'd like to go out and have fun. I'd like to be always doing sweet shit. When I suggest things, people brush them off. Look, I'm not going to force anyone to do anything. When I ask others to suggest shit, they don't have anything.

Again, why do I feel these things? Why do I write these things and post them as blogs? I like to document my thoughts once in a while and I like to vent. But sometimes I actually thing I am reaching out for attention. I'm really critical on myself like that sometimes. But hey, I don't know if it's true or false, but at least I can admit I'm a piece of shit sometimes.

This Friday we got to act 4, I believe, in Metal Gear Solid 4. All tight so far. I read that since MGS4 came out, PS3 sales have gone up 700%. Pretty crazy huh? Saturday we were suppose to film, I thought I had all the pieces together, but of course something more important then me comes up. Had to throw that out. Planned basketball instead, but hey, more important shit came up again. Sunday, new movie plans, oh wait, I'm still not worth the time. And I learned some people just don't appreciate me. Hey, I get it. I also understand that people have shit to do and people have lives that don't revolve around me. But when you say that you are there, c'mon, keep your promise. I don't know what to believe any more. People don't believe what I say or give me credit for the things I've done...and when I give trust to others, they just break it. Where am I suppose to go from here? People don't trust me, I try trusting but it all ends fucked up. I did have some good moments too this weekend. I hung out with an old pal who I haven't seen for a bunch of months I think. Always good to see old pals. Even if I didn't have much to do.

Who knows.

I'll probably feel better tomorrow. I just don't want to be in this awful funk anymore. I don't want to waste my summer any more. I keep telling myself I need to do shit to feel good. But when you're in a funk, you just don't want to do shit. It's like an awful circle of shit, and some how you just need to grab your self and break free.

I need something to change my fortunes.
Really, I'm not as crazy as this blog makes me appear. I'm a pretty normal dude. I just get passionate about things, I look to deep into things. Good qualities in ways, but it can get me into trouble. It's just the dude I am. If that means I have to live alone, what can I do. I do enjoy people though.