The Realest Human Being On Eurf

I just woke up from a four hour nap in which I woke up in the middle of because I was sweating so damn much. Why I was perspiring so profusely without any real physical activity I do not know but I can think of some other reasons why a human being my sweat. I've been kind of freaking out lately just about myself, I guess would be the easiest way to put it. I feel like a lot of things are bothering me. Things that are out of my control, questions that have no answers to them, things that are confusing all have attributed to me going crazy. I guess I'm not clinically crazy yet, but I'll be there soon haha. Clinically insane and depressed, what a sweet combination.

The other night/early morning I tried to talk things out with my friends thinking it would make things better but I think it made things worse. Thursday morning around 2 a.m I went to Perkins with Jon, Mitch and Andy thinking it was going to be a normal trip for food and teenage conversation but it turned out to be more and I guess I was at the same time kind of expecting it. It started off like any other late night (We call it late night, but technically it is early morning) Perkins run with my debating if I wanted anything to eat so late and everyone trying to talk me into getting something. After we ordered with the usually chill servers that work at that hour we got the talking about the usual crap. Probably some ignorant ass shit about the government, some Donnie Darko philosophy, maybe a little sports (And only a little since all my friends, minus Dean, are sports world retarded), probably a lot of conversation on girls and then it all boiled down to life. The single most confusing element to life is life itself, at least to me. I've been struggling with life lately and I don't want that statement to scare anyone and/or make anyone think I am suicidal, because I'm not. Suicide is for the weak and it seems to easy to me (That statement shouldn't scare anyone either, haha). I feel bad for making that last comment because maybe it really isn't for the weak. Maybe someday I will become like those people because I will come to understand those people more. Who am I to call those people weak? This is also one of my problems, I'm always doubting and questioning myself. I am scared to make comments because I always think I am wrong. Do I have confidence and self image problems? No, I don't think so. I do think I am right most of the time and more often then other people and I do think I make "logical" decisions (Logical meaning to the standards of the cultures I live in). And I am only keeping it real when I say I am fucking ugly haha. So really, what is my problem? I don't know, and that is what is eating at me because if I did know, I'd be able to fix it. This blog isn't structured to well haha. Back to Perkins. We had one of the realest chats I have ever had and I did tell some truths and I got some things off my chest and I was able to explain how I was feeling. I would have liked to tell the whole truth, but when you know others aren't telling you the truth, its hard to come out (I am not gay). It is a very powerful tool to be able to feel when people are telling the truth and aren't and my friends aren't good liars. Out of the 4 of us, one of us was honest that night. I think it is safe to share (Of course its safe to share, no one reads these fucking things, and even if they did, who cares) that Jon was the only honest one because he has nothing to hide. Again, I would have liked to been completely honest but it is impossible to be honest around liars. How come Jon is so honest? Because he keeps life simple, he is content knowing that he really doesn't have any real skills and that he really only cares about himself. Maybe he doesn't know this, but it doesn't bother him that he doesn't know this and he just lives it. This type of innocence and ignorance is something I really envy. How come Mitch and Andy didn't tell the truth on everything? Because one of them has people to impress and one of them is maybe even more confused then I am. The confused one is able to cope with this confusion where I currently am not able to. How does he deal with it? I think maybe he doesn't actually know he is confused, or he is so far into his beliefs that he accepts things, or maybe he is comfortable living a lie. I don't think I can live a lie. Honesty is a moral I do believe in. There were so many things I wanted to blog about on Friday morning while I had the memories fresh but I woke up late (went to bed after 6 am) and then I had to help my Mom with yardwork right away and when I got in, Dick was on the computer watching his anime porn. So blog Sat right? No busy. Sunday? Not so busy, but Dick spent the WHOLE day, no lie, watching anime porn and then I let Leah on MySpace so she could stalk some more emo guys. So now it is Monday at 2:38 am, during this sentence, and I am trying to blog about what I remember. Two people cried that night, one of the participants being myself. That shit isn't the most manly thing I could say, but I don't think I'm very manly so who cares. Now we didn't cry like we owned the damn place, don't get the wrong image, but we did let out some tears and there was some snot involved and some sniffling. But most importantly, this is what I learned from the crying: that only two of the four people that went to Perkins cares if our little group of friends last through next weekend. The other two could care less if we never saw each other again because they view friendship kind of like a business. You offer me a product and I will offer you a product and as long as your product is better then mine, I will continue to subscribe. That is not how I viewed friendship because I truly am a people person and I used to believe that love was possible between two strangers if they were pure at heart. I was taught that love is only possible and is exclusive through blood and marriage and I thought that was total bull-shit, but I have no support against it. Slowly, that theory is settling on me. Sometimes I think blood isn't even enough to to fuel love and I would like to test the theory about love being possible through a man and a woman or any other combinations. So why is it that in my life and with the people around me, I am the only on able to give love? When Andy turned away from Mitch and to me to see tears across my face, his reaction was not one I expected. He jumped and said, "Oh shit!" I think this is because he has never felt or seen this type of loyalty ever before in his life. Actually I don' think, I know. I learned a lot about Andy that night through his actions and his words. I feel pretty bad for him because he is confortable living a lies. I feel bad for him because I couldn't live like that but, but I do envy him because he just doesn't care if he lives lies. One thing I didn't fully learn about him is, is he fully conscience of these lies and is afriad to face them in front of us? Or, is he so far gone that he just immune to these lies? I do believe that social anxiety has taken a slight toll on him. I've seen what peer pressure and social standards have done to him in the past and I thought he changed, but I see he really hasn't changed much. He told us that loyalty isn't a big moral in his life and I got the impression that he feels like it is a waste of time. I don't think he was lying when he said this, but I was a little confused. I remember a time when we tricked him. This was before our North Dakota road trip days and it was the day Dean's Dad came to pick him up to take him back home. I think we managed to get an extension out of Dean's Dad during our goodbyes or something like that. Andy wasn't there for the goodbyes and he got there to late, but he didn't know Dean got an extension. We told him that he missed Dean leave and it didn't seem to bother him and we sat there in Jon's driveway with a "now what..." attitude. Well, it was time for Dean to pop out and surprise and it worked. Andy chased Dean around the house with a "I'm angry because you guys tricked me, but happy about the results" attitude and when Dean finally stopped Andy threw a hug on him with tears in his eyes sceaming, "I love you Dean." Love, really? Jon joined the group hug first while saying something macho to cover up the emotions that were stirring that the time. I joined shortly with tears because I was so proud of these kids and so proud of what I had built. A group of friends that seemed to care enough for each other to consider one another family. So, what happened to that Andy and what happened to our group? Were we were young and stupid back then? Rather, were they young and stupid back then and I was just able to control them? Because I knew what I wanted and I knew what I felt. I've always been an honest and loyal person and thats what I wanted out of my friends. So is my problem now that they can think for themselves and I am no longer a part of their plan? Maybe that could be a part of my problem, but I know its not all of it. But back to a question I purposed earlier, what happened to that Andy? I think I found the answer earlier today. He may still hold a grudge against me for what happened between us. I don't think he blames Jon, but he certainly does blame me. I thought we were both past that, but its more and more obvious to me now. How could I be so stupid? And now that I let him back into our circle fully, is there any way to remove him without being the bad guy and without seeming like I am a complete hypocrite? Nope, I have given him to much leverage. Thats also kind of my problem is that I trust people way to quickly and I do give people to much leverage. People will only interact with you only of you have something they want. This "Want" doesn't always have to be material. Simple entertainment will draw people to you. If you're popular, people will want to use you for your connections. Here is an obvious one that even the simplest minds can't disagree with, if you are sexy/hot/attractive, people will want to fuck you. Well, I have this problem of sharing all my assets when I feel like I can trust someone. And when they learn how to steal those assests and have enough leverage, they don't need you anymore. It is sad, but thats how friendship works. During our talk Andy got mad at me on a number of topics. He called me a hypocrite and a non-socialist, and a conservative. It didn't deeply bother me, it was just kind of annoying. I got into an arguement with my Mom the other day and I had the same experience. I just let my Mom do all the talking, it didn't bother me, or a better way to put it, offend me, but it annoyed me. I guess I could counter them but they most likely wouldn't understand me. Maybe I am a the bad guy? Who else gets into all these arguments with parents and "friends?" Or is it because I'm not afraid to keep it real that I get into these arguments? If everyone kept it real, there would be a lot more debates. Or again, I'm I just a bad person? All I learned from Andy bashing me is, that he thinks all conservatives are bad people, which I don't agree with. He knows I'm liberal, he knows I'm a people person and I think he was simply trying to offend me but destroying those chracteriistics. So does he still hold a grudge against me? I don't know, but I think it supports it a little and only a very little because we were having an intense talk. He claimed if you are a liberal by definition, which I usually say I am because I don't like politics, you are a true conservative which I didn't and still don't get. A deinition I like from Dictionary.com is, "favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible." He said that if you are a liberal by definition you are a true conservative because they switched roles in history. After he said that, I just stopped talking, half because I was confused and I don't know how to follow up on something like that, and half because if someone is saying something that stupid, he is very emotional or very dumb. He also got mad at me when I said I didn't believe in evolution fully. I guess you can't be agnostic and not believe in evolution. You have to be a member of at least one. I feel like if I'm agnostic and I can't believe the church, what proof does scientists give me to trust evolution? Because it can be proven and because we can see it? There is no way some things can be coincidence right? I don't belive in the "Madden Curse" like some people do, I just believe some things can just happen. So the sun came out of no where or because of the big bang or whatever and caused little germs to morph into apes and apes into crazy human beings? To me, that sounds just as crazy as the bible. Of course he didn't say anything about the sun but rather told me to answer questions like, "Why are there fossils scattered across the earth?" and then continued to patronize with comments like, "Because people want to scam you right?" Pretty much asking me questions like a hardcore archeologist. I can accept that he believes in evolution, but he can't accept that I don't. Bascially he tried to push evolution on my like a hardcore christian would push christianity and I hate that. The funny thing is, Andy is known to hate christians for that reason as well. Is that the definition of a hypocrite? Or is it, if you're a hypocrite by definition, then you are truly honest? Anywho, this isn't an Andy bashing blog although I had to get some things of my chest about some things he is saying and doing I don't agree with. Know this, he believes in his words and his actions and I respect him for that, but it does not mean I need to believe in those things too. At least I think he believes in his words and actions. Sometimes I think he is even more confused then I. Anywho, the conversation ended shorter then I would have liked because the sun was coming up and Jon was worried that he wouldn't make it on his boat the next morning. I am not going to lie, this bothered me. We were having one of the realest conversations ever, and all Jon could think about was going on his family boat. This is how I know people just don't care about me. People would rather choose a boat over me without hesitation. Jon, who is suppose to be one of my best friends, chose his boat over me. But Jon known to be pretty materialistic and how can you blame him, he grew up in the suburbs and his family has enough money to afford it. Every winter break the day I dread comes along. The day after christmas where I have to listen to the catalogue of gifts Jon got. It is cool that he wants to let me know and it is cool that he got so many gifts, but damn, I don't care that you got a bucket of monkeys and an eye patch. Why not just tell me, "I got DDR pads," or something that actually has to do with me. When Jon goes to Florida, he lets everyone know it. When Jon gets a sword, he lets everyone know it. When Jon gets a boat, he lets everyone know it. And if I based my life on materialistic things, then fuck yea, I'd be pumped and jealous. I just get kind of depressed when people choose materials over me because I once heard you can't put a price on human life. Why is it that people choose boats over me? Why is it that people choose liquor and drugs over me? Its probably because I can't offer them things anymore. You can only offer love for so long before people get sick of it. Its not worth anything to these suburban people. Money will buy them happiness. Anywho, I kind of just lost my thought and I think this is enough bitching for the moment, and by moment I mean sentence. After Perkins we went on my hill to watch the sun rise. Let me tell you, if you haven't fully experienced a sun rise, please, do it. I mean fully get in to it, go out 30 minutes prior to its rise while the sky is still navy and dedicate yourself to the rise. Don't think about anything else. It'll blow you away. The horizon allows you to see how fast the sun is really moving. I think the whole sun climbed over the edge in like five minutes. It was an amazing sight, one I plan to do again soon, but I don't when since I hate summer humidity and bugs.

There were some other things I wanted to and planned to blog about but I will wait for another blog. Probably tomorrow haha. A more up beat and positive energy blog I hope. God, this blog helps me feel better and I think I will sleep well. Maybe not well, but better then I have this past week. I can't wait to blog again. I need to find some motivation somewhere and somehow, but when you're feeling down, its hard to do that. I read earlier that blogging is for emos. Well if you're a sterotype emo, this must make you feel a lot better.