Nice. I finally tied up some loose ends that I left hanging in a few of my old blogs. Sucks that my blogs don't stand independent and how you have to read a bunch of them to get one idea. Oh well. Hopefully I will understand what I am talking up later in my life. Its kind of like those good weekly dramas that end when the show is at its most intense part. I remember its how I would always feel when I watched Dragon Ball Z haha. Its hard to believe that phase was 7 years ago now. 7 years ago I told everyone else to watch it and we sat in Dean's basement and drilled some DBZ episodes out. Mixed in some ping-pong and some Melee. Good times. When I think of those days I think of Culvers too. I haven't been to that place in so long. Maybe I will round the troops up and make a Culvers run. Might bring back some good memories.
Blogs have helped me focus my thoughts and vent so much. Its like having someone you can talk to and not be embarrassed to say something. You can talk about anything. Its always nice to get a little feedback from real life people too. And its much more comfortable hearing from real life people via blogs because you don't actually have to say personal stuff face to face. I think blogs have helped me become a more relaxed person. I'm the type of person that holds everything in and when it spills over I blow up. I never lash out at little things, but little things build up. So sometimes it looked liked I would spaz at the smallest things, and I guess I did, but it wasn't that simple. It was because of my hold it on personality. But with blogs, I can let go of some of the little things that bother me a little bit at a time. Why do I hold my feelings in and keep everything to myself? I'm not to sure why I do that. But the more I think about, I think its to protect the people around me. I don't want to put extra stress into their lives. Its my problem, why should they have to deal with it? Sometimes its their fault I feel stress, but again, I don't want them to feel bad so I just take it. Why don't I just reach out and ask for help? I don't fully know yet. I was asked the question on one of those chain bulletins, "What is your biggest fear?" and before I didn't know. But I think I know now, and my biggest fear is being alone. I think that is easily my biggest fear. So I think I keep myself apart from people, because I don't want them to know about my poor qualities. I don't want them to be offended by me and leave me. Maybe its because I don't want to get to attatched in fear I will be left in the end. Lots of reasons I guess. But when it all comes together, I am alone right now. I was also asked the question, "Who is someone you can be completely honest with?" and the answer was no one. I think I can tell my Mom anything, but there are language barriers that other parent child relationships don't have to fight. So it weakens our communication line. Other then my Mom, I truly don't have anyone I can tell everything to. And that is a fucking shame. My biggest fear is living alone, and yet I am living in that nightmare. One night at Applbees we brought up the question about love, and Andy said he wouldn't mind living alone. I never even thought of living alone and I don't think I could do it. How come I don't just share my feelings with everyone? What am I so scared of? I don't think I know these answers yet, but I will search. Right now, I think its mostly because I really do love people and I want to protect them. Slowly I've watched my blogs become more and more honest and real. I've grown. I thinking I am breaking out of this shell. But still, I can't share everything because I don't want to hurt peoples feelings and I don't want to mess with politics. In my last blog, there were names and things I couldn't talk about, because I know people can read these blogs. Maybe someday I can be completely honest, but not until everyone accepts me. Through out my WHOLE life, I've alway been concerned about not offending people and making other people comfortable. I've always thought about social politics before I said things. I was sooo cautious about other peoples feelings, that I completely ignored mine. I need to break out of a 20 year old habit. Blogs have started my way, but now I need to act like it in real life. I need to stop protecting other people so much, and start protecting myself a little. I've always had trouble saying that I love other people. One person who helped be break out of that sorry habit was Skye Peirce. One night in a phone converstation she said she loved me before she hung up, and for some reason I couldn't say it back. Then she came back and said, "I just said I loved you..." and only after that I forced myself to say it back. In highschool people acquaintances like Tony Seeman would always joke around and say I love you, but I couldn't joke around and say I love you back. Why?! It doesnt make us gay for loving each other as human beings. Thats not what I was scared of though. So really, what was holding me back? I don't know. Its such a serious word, and I don't feel comfortable throwing it out like that I guess. I guess I need to focus a little more attention on love and being honest with myself and others. Its something I will work on as I grow. Its going to be tough just to change it and to change it around people who are used to me being the way that I am. But if I don't want to be alone, I need to let people into my life. The best way to do that is to be honest with them, even if it means offending them from time to time, and to tell them that I really do love them. I need to wash away this nightmare. Maybe this is why Final Fantasy 8 and 7 are so appealing to me. Maybe subconsciously I role played the protagonists being me. If you have ever played the games, you know the heros internal struggles. I never thought of the parallels but they are there many. Maybe this is why I make parallels with the supporting acts and my friends (I will probably blog about this later for fun). At the end of Advent Children, Cloud says, "I'm Not Alone" and I choke up everytime. I don't even think about it, but maybe I am jealous. Maybe I don't actually like the amazing fight scenes and the CGI, maybe I am in love with the story? haha, I don't know. I got some fucked up internal defensive mechanisms that I don't agree with. (Papa Johns just dropped some pizza off, brb). Some good ass pizza. Totally lost my thought though, but it was worth it. Papa Johns Works Pizza is YUM! I'll just wrap this up quick then. I've been paying attention to my life a little more, found out I don't want to be alone anymore. I am going to be more honest and more loving. I will try to break from my style and write more honest blogs (Will be easier), and be more honest in person (Will be hard). Done. Glad that parts over.
Mitch picked me up from school on Monday and we had a good talk in the car. He brought up touchy subjects and I was cornered and had no choice but to tell him the truth. It wasn't so weird. It felt good. Maybe Mitch isn't as empty and numb minded as I thought. I've always thought he was a loyal and good friend, but I never thought he was smart (Oh god, the honesty begins). It made me feel good that I am moving in with him next year. I also think Dean is starting to understand how I view life a little better (I think he secretly tunes into my blogs) and that makes me happy that we will be all room mates next year. I had doubts, but they are both starting to wash those doubts away. I still have my doubts about Mitchel though, maybe he just had a moment. Sometimes it doesn't look like he has gears upstairs, where I know Dean thinks a little more. We will see, it should be an experience of a life time. We just need to work on Mitch's stinky ass feet! MY LORD they are bad! For people that are planning on some major melee in Jon's basement this weekend, smell his feet. BAD!
Here is something that bothered me last weekend. Andy said he passed up on smoking weed with a group of co-workers because he knew I disapproved. I played it off like I was proud of him but I wasn't. I don't want him not to smoke weed for me, I want him to do it for him. There is a long history behind all this and I don't care to write it out right now. Maybe someday I will blog about it when I have nothing to blog about (As long I have my zombie dream project, I will be blogging for a while). But I know he doesn't approve of smoking weed either, or at least he didn't. If he is against it, why do it? I remember the first time he tried it. Just a few days prior to the night he tried it, he was making fun of his sister for giving into social pressures. He was telling other peeople, "You know your little brother/sister are getting into weed. Thats bad." Then a few nights later, a group of people pressure him into trying it and he does. This comes back to my last blog about hypocrites. I hate them. So if he was trying to get people avoid the drug, and making fun of people who failed to stay clean, why is he avoiding it for me and not for himself? I don't want to get to deep into it and maybe rise some bad blood. I don't know who reads these things (I usually get 50 views per blog and 2 comments). And I don't want to damage anyones reputation. Its just confusing to me. And the night he tried it, I was close to him and he said something I will never forget. Everyone was passing it around and it came to me and I passed and then it went around to Andy and couldn't resist. After he took his drag, and everyone patted him on the back and gave him his props, he looked to me and said, "sorry." Sorry for what? Its your choice. Another friend had the exact same experience with one of his friends and his friend said the exact same thing. It bothered the hell out of my friend to. We didn't know why it bothered us, but we both knew it bothered us. I don't know. I wish I had my attention then haha. I think Jon just came over. End of blog. More later.
Apparently I can...
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Can I Put 20 Years Of Imaginary Training To Use?
I am sick as fuck right now. This is what I get for having so much fun Sunday night. There needs to be balance between fun and work and I tipped the scale to far and now I am paying the price. Worth it bitch.
I noticed I use the F word plurally, Fucks. Does anyone else do that or is that just me? I haven't heard anyone else use it that way so I don't know where I picked it up. I like it though, its sexy as fucks.
I am hoping to take some good Melee notes this weekend so I can post the first offical Melee letter and second ever. If other people have some Melee input please write it out and send it to me so I can add it in. I'd like that. Maybe we will get famous someday for starting a Super Smash Bros. Melee newsletter. Haha, there are a lot of nerds out there. This is a reminder to self, but I plan to write out some old traditional rules that we made in the melee blog. Many of the traditions are not used anymore since a new wave of players have entered but I think it'd be fun to write them out. A bunch of unwritten rules and the idea behind of character claiming. I got a bunch of character questions this week and I think it would be helpful to clear that up.
Alrighty then, this is something I've wanted to blog about for a couple of weeks now but I haven't found the time to. Over this whole school year I've felt myself changing and growing (I think) as a human being. So many things have changed in my life and I've experienced so many new things and I've thought of so many new ideas and it all came at me so fast and at first. I wasn't able to focus all the energy coming at me but lately I've been able to sort everything out and it has been very beneficial. I think I've grown immensely. I've noticed my self being much more aware of everything going around me and I've been able to think more critically and spiritually about everything, but I still wasn't able to focus everything down to a fine line. A couple of a weeks ago we had a guest speaker in my Career Exploration class. Her job is to help people focus on the more spiritual and natural human elements of life. She is usually requested by business people who get burnt out because of their jobs. Those people basically become shells and they need her to instill life and a soul back into them. I've always thought this type of stuff was amazing. I'm not a fan of math and human made sciences but rather the natural ideas of life. Who really gives a fuck about a human made science when we don't even understand ourselves as human beings. This is another reason I think music is so amazing. Music moves our souls and makes us feel things (I believe this even more now after Underoath). But don't get me wrong, science has helped us all and hurt us all in many ways. I appreciate what science has done, but its just not for me to research. Lucky for the people who want to research that shit because thats where all the money is. No one gives a shit about finding out if we really have souls and why we are here. Religion has already answered that right? I'm a little to open minded to accept that right away. Anywho, I digress. Guest speaker. She had us do an quick exercise and it completely made sense to me. First she had us close our eyes and "listen" to everything around us for one minute. Before she gave us the sign, a bunch asked her what she you meant by "listen?" She would only explain by saying "Listen." She gave us the ready set go and for one minute the room was silent and we "listened." We discussed what we "heard" after the minute expired. Some people said they heard nothing, some people said they heard the heater rumbling. I heard the heater mumble and I heard my inner voice talking to myself trying to figure out what was going on. Then she told us that we were going to do it again. BUT, that this time we were to think about someone we hated or a time we were mad while listening. She gave us the ready set go and the minute began. Then we discussed what we heard. Some people told their stories about what they hated and others said they just heard the heater again. But those people who were really thinking about things they hated, did not hear the heater. Nothing special? Wrong! This is what she was looking for. She wanted to teach us about attention. Those people were paying so much attention to the things they hated, that things around them were passing unnoticed. If things pass our lives unnoticed, how do we know we are actually missing things? We are all ignorant, some more then others. Its really sad when people are ignorant about obvious social decencies. I know many people at this level. But again, I digress. Attention, what an amazing element of life we all ignore. She was able to put into words what I have been doing over this past year and expanded my vision even more. It just blew me away. She also said something about half of us don't even show up for our own lives. The quote blew me even further. So many people are narrow sighted, and thats really to bad. I've always felt that I see things differently then people but I've never been able to express it. Why? I'm not sure, maybe I was embarrassed, maybe I was scared, maybe I couldn't articulate my feelings, maybe I did it to protect the people around me (More on all this later). I just totally lost my thought. Fucks. I might have to end this section shorter then I planed. But ya, it was an amazing lesson. I was already growing and expanding my vision rapidly lately, but after that day, I took another big jump. If I can achieve a complete 360 degree range of vision on life, that would be amazing. Maybe the only way to obtain this skill is through meditation? I want to find out more about the human being. Not about the anatomy, which is also fairly interesting, but passed the guts and into the spirit and soul.
I think this vision and attention helps in all aspects of life. This is a very bad example, but Melee. Where Dean, Jon and I can see so many things blazing by in slow motion, others can't. Its weird for me to think that people have such a different range in vision. Maybe because I've always had fairly good "vision" and attention (Remember, I say everything humbly, even though it doesn't sound like it. But I need to be honest, more on this later). But even in Melee, I think I am separate from Dean and Jon. Its so hard to explain the way I feel because I just feel it and "see" it. Its to difficult to explain it someone who has less "sight" cause they just wont see it. I tried to explain it to Dean one time, and through time, I think he is finally understanding what I mean. Its nice to have someone understand you. Its nice not to be alone. Its fun to joke about.
Damn, my list of blog topics are all serious and kind of depressing. I guess its my inner "emo" coming out. I hate that word, but society understands that word and I will use it the way many people use it.
Here is a funny story that just happened to me though. This girl just tapped me on my shoulder and I turned around to say hi and she just sat there looking at me for about 5 seconds. I was like, okkkkaaaay (inside of course)...then she finally said oh, shoot, I thought you were a different person. Bitch, don't you know who I am!? I'm the mother fucking juggernaut bitch!
"Bitch, I've never seen you in my LIFE!"
Through all this attention, I've realized a quality of life that is REALLY important to me. Balance. I don't know how I am going to explain this. Again, I know what it is cause I just feel it and see it. I am not a very articulate writer. Definitely not a poet. Its hard for me to express my feelings in text. More of an intuition guy. But balance is something I really value. I hate hypocrites with all my heart and I avoid being one at all costs. But sometimes I look at my own values, and think, wow, you contradict yourself. But I've paid more attention to it now, and its not contradicting myself, its striking a fine balance. I take surveys online once in a while for fun and many times I find my self split on questions. Like for example (I dont know if its a good example) I might get a question like do you like organized settings or free settings? I like both! I like it being organized so it isn't complete chaos but I like it free because I hate being tied down. Its kind of like Donnie Darko's "Fear" and "Love" spectrum (I think those were the to sides). Oh, and I get questions like are you serious or humorous most of the time. I'm both most of the time! I take things very seriously, but humor is very important. I'm serious about humor. So I hope people don't look at me as a hypocrite, because I have my morals strait and although I might not be able to express my self sometimes, I am never being hypocritical. I think I have a very complex personality, deep and full of layers. Makes it hard to understand me sometimes. But loyalty is an important moral of mine, so it should give us plenty of time to learn about each other. I got asked the question, "What do you look for in your dream girl?" on one of them chain letters. And I didn't know how to answer it. I guess I could write out a 1,000,000 page novel explaining it out, but I'd rather not. But now I know how to explain it in a few short words. Balanced and complex. And Beautiful haha. I want her to be balanced and open minded like me. And I guess just good at living. I want her to be complex, so I can spend the rest of my days trying to figure her out. So I can spend the rest of my days falling in love with her more and more each day. I met this guy a few months ago (Bad follow up to my hopeless romantic column, haha, very bad) and he seems to have his shit together. I wish I could write out his name, but that'd just be a little to weird right now I think (more on this later). But he challenges himself and it just seems like he has a grip on things. I've only known him for a short while so I don't want to give him to much credit and be way off.
I have one more serious topic I wanted to bring up that kind of links in with all this personal shit but I have to roll soon for my Korean oral and I think I will just hold off until I get home.
So something random. I was thinking about how amazing Sunday night was and it made me think of the night we camped out for the Wii. That was really a fucking good time. Sure it was cold, and we were hungry, but it was sooo much fun. I wish I could go back to that night too. Sitting outside with my best friends goofing off and being the most charismatic group there. Bumping our music loud and singing along. Playing little football mini games. Playing 2v2 street hockey. Chatting. We waited for a long time, but it felt so quick. Just another one of those things I probably won't be forgetting for a long time.
20 years, or just 1 year?
I noticed I use the F word plurally, Fucks. Does anyone else do that or is that just me? I haven't heard anyone else use it that way so I don't know where I picked it up. I like it though, its sexy as fucks.
I am hoping to take some good Melee notes this weekend so I can post the first offical Melee letter and second ever. If other people have some Melee input please write it out and send it to me so I can add it in. I'd like that. Maybe we will get famous someday for starting a Super Smash Bros. Melee newsletter. Haha, there are a lot of nerds out there. This is a reminder to self, but I plan to write out some old traditional rules that we made in the melee blog. Many of the traditions are not used anymore since a new wave of players have entered but I think it'd be fun to write them out. A bunch of unwritten rules and the idea behind of character claiming. I got a bunch of character questions this week and I think it would be helpful to clear that up.
Alrighty then, this is something I've wanted to blog about for a couple of weeks now but I haven't found the time to. Over this whole school year I've felt myself changing and growing (I think) as a human being. So many things have changed in my life and I've experienced so many new things and I've thought of so many new ideas and it all came at me so fast and at first. I wasn't able to focus all the energy coming at me but lately I've been able to sort everything out and it has been very beneficial. I think I've grown immensely. I've noticed my self being much more aware of everything going around me and I've been able to think more critically and spiritually about everything, but I still wasn't able to focus everything down to a fine line. A couple of a weeks ago we had a guest speaker in my Career Exploration class. Her job is to help people focus on the more spiritual and natural human elements of life. She is usually requested by business people who get burnt out because of their jobs. Those people basically become shells and they need her to instill life and a soul back into them. I've always thought this type of stuff was amazing. I'm not a fan of math and human made sciences but rather the natural ideas of life. Who really gives a fuck about a human made science when we don't even understand ourselves as human beings. This is another reason I think music is so amazing. Music moves our souls and makes us feel things (I believe this even more now after Underoath). But don't get me wrong, science has helped us all and hurt us all in many ways. I appreciate what science has done, but its just not for me to research. Lucky for the people who want to research that shit because thats where all the money is. No one gives a shit about finding out if we really have souls and why we are here. Religion has already answered that right? I'm a little to open minded to accept that right away. Anywho, I digress. Guest speaker. She had us do an quick exercise and it completely made sense to me. First she had us close our eyes and "listen" to everything around us for one minute. Before she gave us the sign, a bunch asked her what she you meant by "listen?" She would only explain by saying "Listen." She gave us the ready set go and for one minute the room was silent and we "listened." We discussed what we "heard" after the minute expired. Some people said they heard nothing, some people said they heard the heater rumbling. I heard the heater mumble and I heard my inner voice talking to myself trying to figure out what was going on. Then she told us that we were going to do it again. BUT, that this time we were to think about someone we hated or a time we were mad while listening. She gave us the ready set go and the minute began. Then we discussed what we heard. Some people told their stories about what they hated and others said they just heard the heater again. But those people who were really thinking about things they hated, did not hear the heater. Nothing special? Wrong! This is what she was looking for. She wanted to teach us about attention. Those people were paying so much attention to the things they hated, that things around them were passing unnoticed. If things pass our lives unnoticed, how do we know we are actually missing things? We are all ignorant, some more then others. Its really sad when people are ignorant about obvious social decencies. I know many people at this level. But again, I digress. Attention, what an amazing element of life we all ignore. She was able to put into words what I have been doing over this past year and expanded my vision even more. It just blew me away. She also said something about half of us don't even show up for our own lives. The quote blew me even further. So many people are narrow sighted, and thats really to bad. I've always felt that I see things differently then people but I've never been able to express it. Why? I'm not sure, maybe I was embarrassed, maybe I was scared, maybe I couldn't articulate my feelings, maybe I did it to protect the people around me (More on all this later). I just totally lost my thought. Fucks. I might have to end this section shorter then I planed. But ya, it was an amazing lesson. I was already growing and expanding my vision rapidly lately, but after that day, I took another big jump. If I can achieve a complete 360 degree range of vision on life, that would be amazing. Maybe the only way to obtain this skill is through meditation? I want to find out more about the human being. Not about the anatomy, which is also fairly interesting, but passed the guts and into the spirit and soul.
I think this vision and attention helps in all aspects of life. This is a very bad example, but Melee. Where Dean, Jon and I can see so many things blazing by in slow motion, others can't. Its weird for me to think that people have such a different range in vision. Maybe because I've always had fairly good "vision" and attention (Remember, I say everything humbly, even though it doesn't sound like it. But I need to be honest, more on this later). But even in Melee, I think I am separate from Dean and Jon. Its so hard to explain the way I feel because I just feel it and "see" it. Its to difficult to explain it someone who has less "sight" cause they just wont see it. I tried to explain it to Dean one time, and through time, I think he is finally understanding what I mean. Its nice to have someone understand you. Its nice not to be alone. Its fun to joke about.
Damn, my list of blog topics are all serious and kind of depressing. I guess its my inner "emo" coming out. I hate that word, but society understands that word and I will use it the way many people use it.
Here is a funny story that just happened to me though. This girl just tapped me on my shoulder and I turned around to say hi and she just sat there looking at me for about 5 seconds. I was like, okkkkaaaay (inside of course)...then she finally said oh, shoot, I thought you were a different person. Bitch, don't you know who I am!? I'm the mother fucking juggernaut bitch!
"Bitch, I've never seen you in my LIFE!"
Through all this attention, I've realized a quality of life that is REALLY important to me. Balance. I don't know how I am going to explain this. Again, I know what it is cause I just feel it and see it. I am not a very articulate writer. Definitely not a poet. Its hard for me to express my feelings in text. More of an intuition guy. But balance is something I really value. I hate hypocrites with all my heart and I avoid being one at all costs. But sometimes I look at my own values, and think, wow, you contradict yourself. But I've paid more attention to it now, and its not contradicting myself, its striking a fine balance. I take surveys online once in a while for fun and many times I find my self split on questions. Like for example (I dont know if its a good example) I might get a question like do you like organized settings or free settings? I like both! I like it being organized so it isn't complete chaos but I like it free because I hate being tied down. Its kind of like Donnie Darko's "Fear" and "Love" spectrum (I think those were the to sides). Oh, and I get questions like are you serious or humorous most of the time. I'm both most of the time! I take things very seriously, but humor is very important. I'm serious about humor. So I hope people don't look at me as a hypocrite, because I have my morals strait and although I might not be able to express my self sometimes, I am never being hypocritical. I think I have a very complex personality, deep and full of layers. Makes it hard to understand me sometimes. But loyalty is an important moral of mine, so it should give us plenty of time to learn about each other. I got asked the question, "What do you look for in your dream girl?" on one of them chain letters. And I didn't know how to answer it. I guess I could write out a 1,000,000 page novel explaining it out, but I'd rather not. But now I know how to explain it in a few short words. Balanced and complex. And Beautiful haha. I want her to be balanced and open minded like me. And I guess just good at living. I want her to be complex, so I can spend the rest of my days trying to figure her out. So I can spend the rest of my days falling in love with her more and more each day. I met this guy a few months ago (Bad follow up to my hopeless romantic column, haha, very bad) and he seems to have his shit together. I wish I could write out his name, but that'd just be a little to weird right now I think (more on this later). But he challenges himself and it just seems like he has a grip on things. I've only known him for a short while so I don't want to give him to much credit and be way off.
I have one more serious topic I wanted to bring up that kind of links in with all this personal shit but I have to roll soon for my Korean oral and I think I will just hold off until I get home.
So something random. I was thinking about how amazing Sunday night was and it made me think of the night we camped out for the Wii. That was really a fucking good time. Sure it was cold, and we were hungry, but it was sooo much fun. I wish I could go back to that night too. Sitting outside with my best friends goofing off and being the most charismatic group there. Bumping our music loud and singing along. Playing little football mini games. Playing 2v2 street hockey. Chatting. We waited for a long time, but it felt so quick. Just another one of those things I probably won't be forgetting for a long time.
20 years, or just 1 year?
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