2010-2011

This blog is a bit late. I usually write this blog on the first of January, but my life hasn't exactly been "typical" since about February of 2010. I actually just pulled up and finished reading my blog from January 1st, 2010. The author of that blog definitely sounded like me. Lots and lots of babbling and run ons. This blog will most likely be the same.

I remember I challenged myself in 2010 to push my boundaries. Try something, and to be afraid. I imagined that my 2010 would include some hurdles, but that I would ultimately overcome with only a few stumbles. I had no idea that I would fall on my face, get completely broken down, and would need to rebuild myself. 2010 has to be one of the toughest years in my life, but I guess that's what I asked for. I think I'm still in the phase of reconstruction, but I've put enough back together where I can think straight. I wasn't unhappy in early 2010, but I was coming out of college and I couldn't help but think I needed to do something. My parents were pressuring me, my friends were leaving me, and it just felt like I needed something. That's not to say I wasn't grateful, 'cause I'm always grateful for what I have. So, in late January, I decided that I'm going to take a leap and try teaching English in Korea. I put my information on the Internet, and immediately the offers started to pour in. I now know why it's so easy to get a job in Korea teaching English, but of course at the time I was completely naive. Most people don't care about the quality of people they are hiring, and there is a large demand. If you appear to speak English well, and they can make money from you being in Korea, they will hire you. It took me about 2-3 weeks to filter through offers and finally settle on something that sounded decent. Looking back, there were so many things I did wrong, and so many signals as to why I was headed for a shitty situation, but how could I know at the time? I still can't decide that if given the chance, would I do things differently in 2010, or would I have played things the same way. Maybe in a year or two, I'll be fully healed and I can look back, laugh, and I'll fully appreciate the lessons I learned. However, as of know, it still stings a little so I can't be sure. I think I can comfortably say that I'm over J.L.S. Fuck that place, fuck the people running that joint, and fuck the 3 months I was in Jeonju working there. I'm more angry that I wasted 3 months of my life there, the time of my family and friends, and a lot of money. The poor families that pay that shitty institution hoping that they actually care about their children. They don't give a fuck about the kids that come there to learn. They actually wanted me to lie and tell the parents that I have 2 years of experience teaching English to Korean students. I didn't have an ounce of experience. What I did have to offer was a lot of passion, and a genuine love for people. I came to Korea fully expecting to bust my ass and to try to improve the lives of other people. Not only my students, but hopefully everyone around me. I just wasn't given the opportunity. I learned some valuable lessons, so my time there wasn't completely a waste.

It's no secret, but the biggest thing that made my 2010 a storm of confusion, anger, depression, and many other emotions was my interactions with a girl. Again, looking back, I don't know if would change going in Korea, and I don't know if I would change ever meeting Jinlan Song. It's stupid that a girl could have this type of impact on someone. It's really, really, stupid. I still don't think I understand how I could feel this strongly for someone. I wrote in plenty of blogs before, that I don't think I understand what "love" is. I still don't think I understand what "love" is. I am, however, starting to think there are different types of love. I love my parents like crazy. I love my brother like crazy. I used to love my friends like crazy, and I think I still do love them, but my definition of loving friends has changed a lot. If I really did love Song, then that is the most frightening, up and down, depressing, happy, confused, fuck-shit-fuck-shit-fuck, what a fucking bitch, flavor of love ever. Now again, I don't know if I what I felt for this girl was actually love. My little 24 year old mind thinks it is, but I can't be sure. Either way, that saying of losing love than never to have loved makes a lot more sense to me now. It's stupid that having someone could make you that happy. It's really, really stupid. At the time, feeling that fragile and vulnerable feels great, but you feel like trash when you're falling, and then when you hit the ground and you're broken.

I can't say that nothing good came out of heartbreak, because plenty of good came out. I learned a lot from that lying bitch (Haha, I'm still bitter, sorry!) I learned that I need to treat my parents better, and that I should appreciate the people around me and I trust that much more. I'm also a lot moreof health conscious because of Song. When I learned that everything she told me was all bullshit from her little whore mouth and that she actually had a boyfriend (again, a little bitter), I immediately started to search for answers why she would lie to me. One of the first responses my stupid little mind made up was that I was a fat piece of shit. So, I started to focus on my health a lot more. I completely reshaped the way I ate, and I hit the gym everyday. Eventually, I got to a point where I was going to the gym twice a day for about 6 hours a day. I was obsessed, and it helped me get my mind off of her. I dropped 25 pounds in 2.5 months, and I put on some muscle. This lifestyle change is something I practice today. So, thank you, Song, for changing that part of my life.

I'm still a little confused as to why someone would tell you that they have all these great feelings about you, tell you they care about you, never tell you that they had a boyfriend the entire fucking time, and then just abandon you. Well, I understood the whole abandoning thing after I learned about the boyfriend. I actually learned he wasn't even a boyfriend, he was actually her fiancé. Again, I just don't understand it. But, whatever. It's over with now, and the experience has really motivated me to improve my life. There's a part of me that still wants the best for her. I mean, I really cared for this girl (and I have to refer to her as girl, she's definitely not a "woman" yet). There's also a part of me that wishes that her stupid ass has a serious case of karma and steroids. And when that happens, I want to point and laugh.


So, now that I've hashed out my feelings about 2010, what about 2011? I really have no idea. I'm writing this blog sitting at my desk in a tiny little town in Korea. I've given more than a year of my life to this country. I have a month left here, and when I go back I'm not sure what my next move is. I'll continue to improve my health, I'll definitely need income, and I'm hoping to continue and find some avenues for art. This summer, I'm really excited to start my own garden and learning how to cook tasty and healthy meals. I eventually want to go back to school and continue to enhance my mind. Lately, I'm obsessed with health, and I'm obsessed for knowledge.


This is a very poor blog, haha. So much of it was just me bitching about my 2010. It has nothing to do with 2011. I guess that's what my problem is, I'm looking backwards a lot, and not forwards enough. Oh well, it's time to go home, and I don't want to miss these awful country side buses I have to take to get home.


I probably won't have a lot of time to blog until I get home, but I'm hoping to squeeze one or two more in soon.