I'm Not The Same Man I Once Used To Be

Does anyone else find it difficult to start writing something? When you sit down to write an essay for school, or to fill your blog, just writing something from scratch is so difficult. It feels so awkward. Where the fuck do I start? Here? There? There is no real good segue from nothing. If only there was a way to make my blog slap my readers in the face when they open up my blog. That'll be a nice way to start. It would certainly make the reader at least slightly shocked and desire an explanation as to why a hand manifested from their computer screen and slapped them across their innocent face. And I hope the slap is just perfect enough to leave a red mark across their face. I do, because I'm fucked up in the mind like that. I wish my fucked up-ness was contagious and that I could sneeze on people and other people would be as equally as fucked up in their dome as I am. I would sneeze on all the scientists in the world and all the doctors so that a cure would never be discovered. Eventually my brain disease would spread across the world and everyone would think crazy thoughts and nothing could be done about it. Everyone would be sick in the head, except for Magic Johnson, 'cause that mother fucker is not affected by any disease. Then everyone would think of crazy scenarios like one and we'd all be amused by them. But at least we would all be thinking.

If you've made it this far, congratulations. Now ask your self, why the hell did you read that first paragraph? It's crazy. Truly pointless. Most of my blogs are, but once in a while I throw out some meaningful shit. I ask some questions that have no real answer to them and I like reading what people think about them. I enjoy the fact that we can not accept that maybe there are some things in this world that have no answers. For example, there is no explanation as to why I've become such a baller. I certainly don't have an answer and I'd assume most people out there don't either. I only joke. I was actually going to talk about something in this blog, but I have completely derailed myself with all this jibber-jabber. Now I barely remember what I originally came here for. Meh, it matters not, I feel like writing a little bit and that's what I'm going to do.

I started the day out today with a George Carlin video and I think that increased the quality of my whole day. I think everyone should start their day out with a George Carlin lesson or a Priscilla Ahn song. It'll set a proper "beat" for your entire day. Here is a link to to the video I watched this morning: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eScDfYzMEEw
Does his voice crack at the beginning of the video? I wish George Carlin wasn't dead. He is such an amazingly smart guy and he isn't worried to spit the truth. He isn't concerned about what people are going to think of him. He has no reason to worry about what other people think about him because he knows the truth. If you have that much knowledge, if you can get over all these man made ideas, if you aren't afraid of the truth, you have nothing to fear. You share the truth, nothing but the truth. I love that George Carlin can say anything on that platform and he can get away with it. If our President (yes, OUR president, fuckers, hehe), Barack Obama, said any of the shit Carlin said, he would get assassinated immediately. Maybe I'll get assassinated just by mentioning assassination. That's what is fucked about us, human beings. We are so fucking scared of the truth. If the truth inconveniences you, and/or instills the tiniest bit of fear in you, you say it is taboo. You tell the author of the message to keep it to them self. Why is it okay to ignore the truth? I don't care how depressed I get, the truth is something I can not compromise. If the truth doesn't fit my ideals, I don't ignore it by telling myself that it's a crazy idea and that it can't be true. I accept it, I might sulk or just get extremely depressed for a week, a month, half a year, but then I learn how to accept it, because it's the truth. I can't afford the live a lie (nor can I afford much of anything because of the cost of tuition). I think this philosophy is part of the reason I don't take any drugs (medicine) or partake in any mind altering substances. I am proud to be strait edge. Let us take aspirin for example. If I remember my lessons from introduction to psychology during my freshman year, aspirin is a drug that blocks certain chemical transactions. Basically it lies to our brain that we are feeling pain (headache). Something tells me that a healthy human being doesn't have just have headaches for no reason. There is a cause and the headache is a symptom, a warning our body gives us to find and to take care of the cause. So instead of just lying and taking a quick aspirin, isn't it a better solution to find the problem, to learn, and then to avoid the cause in the future? "But it is so much easier to just take an aspirin each time I get a head ache!" Yeah, I know, but Mama said life wasn't going to be easy. People just focus on the symptom, not the cause. Wake the fuck up. I guess this is part of the reason I avoid alcohol and drugs. I just can't live a lie. I have to be myself. I don't want a diluted version of myself walking around interacting with the people I usually interact with taking credit for my accomplishments. But hey, I'm in the minority, I actually don't know another strait edged person. If a majority of the people are a certain way, then it has to be true, right? How do I come up with such stupid ideas? Why do I willingly choose to live this way? It's pretty dumb that I do choose to live this way. You only live once, so let's get wasted and blazed out of our fucking skulls. I guess it's just not for me. I can't conform to the main current or popular beliefs. I'm not saying my philosophies are the truth, I don't think I am that conceited, I'm not "God", you know that imaginary guy that floats above the clouds and taps into your thoughts like the Patriot Act. But this is how I view it, and it sucks. It sucks always being in the minority. Strait edge, Asian, homo...just kidding, I don't listen to the radio, I don't like every super hero movie that comes out during summer break, I just can't achieve the sexy standards. I am human, I want to be accepted, I want to be respected. Especially because I am such a social person. I need people. Another problem is I'm kind of a control freak, when things don't work out, I question things. I build all these walls that I need to climb and for no real reason. Because society and other people suggest that one way is the right way? I'd like to tell myself I am all these righteous things, we all do. But take a hard look at what you do. We are all pieces of shit. Everything we do is because of something fake. I've been struggling with this fact lately. Is there anything we have to do because nothing would make sense if we didn't do it? I think we have to eat, or else we wouldn't get too far. But nothing else comes do mind. Maybe sex, I think it is very possible that sex is programmed into us. But I'm not completely sold on that. I don't really remember my thoughts from when I was 5 years old, but I don't really think I thought about women the same way then as I think of them now. But chemicals in our bodies do change after that magical period we call puberty. And no, I'm not a womanizer. I don't want to stick my dick in every vagina I come across, well, that gets complicated sometimes, hehe. But I don't think women should be treated like flesh or slaves. God didn't make women from man. They are not our subordinates. They aren't organisms created by God to clean shit stains in our underwear, women are not people (think about how Fox could edit this line, "Women are not people" -Min Lee) who we should expect to have sandwiches ready for us when we get home, they are not just warm walking flesh that just sit around and wait to take care of our hard ons. Respect the women in your life. Damn, I lost track of my thought. Sometimes I have so much shit on plate that I forget where I'm going. One statement can lead to like 3 things and I go one way and there isn't a good segue back to the other two thoughts. I get the feeling this is getting kind of long, I better think about wrapping this up.

I know I wanted to talk about religion, but maybe I'll save that for another blog. Maybe I won't blog about it at all. I know my friend Tony is going to pay us a visit and I have the whole final week of winter break off. I really hope something snowballs and we end up at a dinner table and have one of our epic talks. Those talks really break me out of funks, those talks give me false hopes (ahh, I'm a hypocrite. Fuck yourself, we all are). I really hope to touch on the topics of religion, what makes people happy, what is the point of our existence, and also talk about Tony joining the Marines then. I remember our last Perkins run, that talk got kind of deep, it got kind of emotional (tears were shared), it got kind of heated. But I do know not everything said was true and that is a shame. Talks like that are what I think humans should be doing. Not going to the bar every Friday night. You couldn't have such intelligent conversations while under the influence. But hey, I'm a fan of critical thinking, that's not for everything. Read Tony's blog he wrote tonight, I share many of the same opinions. Here is the link: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/note.php?note_id=43883081869&ref=mf
I am Christian by default. I have been for 21 years albeit I consider myself and share mostly agnostic traits. However, recently, I am considering becoming an atheist. It's the only logical mind set. I mean, not that it's a big deal, because I guess atheism could also because considered religion, but I just wanted to be separated from "religious" ideals. I don't want to be a part of a cult, I don't want to live a lie. This whole idea of God just doesn't make sense, there are too many pieces missing for it to be true. Again, I was going to get into this much deeper, but I just don't feel like it. Plus, the Copeland C.D just ended and I need to switch albums and write one more section.

Just wanting to document my day before I go brush my teeth, and hit the sack (sack as in bed, not my balls. I would never strike my own balls). As mentioned above, I started the day out with George Carlin's blessings and teachings. Well, that's not the very first thing I did. I mean, I had to roll out of bed first, and before that I had to turn off my alarm, and before that I had to open my eyes, and maybe even before that I stretched, or took in some oxygen. Then I probably stumbled into the bathroom and took a piss. Is that the first thing everyone does when they wake up? Minus opening your eyes, or stretching, or taking in oxygen. Then I probably stumbled back into my room and squeezed one off. What?! Who shares that much info?! Oh no! Actually, I don't know, I don't remember. I just wanted to cause a stir. And I know my blogs are so moving a small stir could cause a hurricane. I got my Underoath DVD from Netflix today so I watched that upstairs before anyone got home so I could enjoy it on the new TV with up convert. It was pretty cool, nothing life changing, but I've been an Underoath fan so long it was cool to see a more personal side aside from the music. I envy the friendships they share, or at least the friendship they present. Then I hung out with Dick when he got home and played some Gears. Oh, I cut my thumb tonight when I got out of the shower, this is going to severely affect my Gearing. Looks like my rape fest might need to take a one or two day hiatus. And trust me, I am a raper (bring it on Fox, edit that one too, "I am a raper" -Min Lee). If charges could be charged for the amount of raping I cause in the virtual world, I'd serve two life times and my children would also serve. They'd probably find a way to resurrect my grandfathers so they could serve. Yeah, that extreme. Jon came over for a little bit but he got bored and went home early. I guess I'm just not as fun as I once used to be. Jon told me he was going home to eat, but I know a white lie when I hear/see it. I'm sure he went home to eat, I just wish he would have left out that part about texting me and getting back together after he finished. I know he was just trying to soften the truth. Maybe I'm way off, maybe he did go home and is still cooking up a mean meal that takes 8 hours to cook. I should just sit here and innocently wait for that text, that's what an obedient friend does. Back in the day, we would have just gone out and grabbed a bite together. I hope this last bit isn't portraying an angry tone, because although it is a bit irritating, it's not a big deal. To me, to be a good friend, a good spouse, a good brother, a good son, is to love. And to me, to love means to be able to sacrifice anything for the other persons happiness. If I am to be a good friend, I should let go and let friends do what ever they want. Winter and summer break for me means that I get to see good friends that I normally don't get to see often during the school year. Well, at least that is what I usually hope for. But I've learned I don't share the same hopes as most of my good friends and I must live with it. I must learn to love. Again, not a big deal. This thing we, I, call love means nothing when we die. I've conditioned myself to believe so many morals and bull shit man made ideas. It's impossible to juggle them all, although I tried for the past 22 years and I will most likely attempt into the future. I just wonder, if it is programmed into me, or have I just conditioned myself? If it's programmed into me, there is nothing I can do but to suffer, but if it is conditioned, I can break to trend.

Alright, this is way too long. I wanted to watch Pan's Labyrinth tonight but I might have to hold that off until tomorrow. I hate sleeping in later than 11:00 but I need my fair amount of sleep. I hate not being fully rested, I need to be at 100%. I can't have any one fucking me big time just because my mind isn't 100%.

You're still reading this?