Let Us Trade

I think I injured my finger the other day at Lifetime during basketball. It could be that I injured it while I was lifting, but that seems unlikely. I can't pinpoint the exact moment of injury which also leads me to believe it was when I was playing basketball. I'm a pretty competitive person, so I feel like I might have injured it and was oblivious of it because of the moment. Heal up poor finger. I need you.

I've just been living through a brutal 2010. I can't say it's been my finest half year of life. I think hitting this slippery patch of life has really "distracted" me from who I really am. I was reminded a little bit today of who I was about a year ago. I was hoping that when I got out of school, that I could use the power of critical and free thought to help others, to pass an idea on or just motivate someone in a way where they could do beautiful things. I've learned that this is a very messy and dirty world filled with dirty people. We could all do a little extra. I like to think I'm a fairly genuine person. What you see is what you get. I don't have to masquerade around and pretend like I'm a people person and try to trick people into things. I like to help people because it matters to me. I think that's part of the reason I make an awful business person. Capitalism is not my strongest attribute. I remember being extremely excited before I went to Korea because I would have a platform to be able to help children out. Children are a much tougher audience I've learned. That, and Asian countries very much need to be taught how to think outside the box and the power of critical thought. Don't believe the stereotypes. Yes Asians are good at math and science, but they aren't actually that smart. I hope after I gather myself, I can get back on track and focus on helping others.

Another aspect I think I've become very skeptical about is "trust." After you get pounded with lies and lies and lies, it takes a toll. Even when I got back home, things had changed so much I didn't know where to go. All my friends had dispersed, and even when we did get together, it never felt the same. Things are always moving and people change and adapt. I have changed and the people around me have changed. I'm someone who always tries to hold onto things. I've never been good at goodbyes and letting go. It seems like I've been doing so much of that lately, and it's probably a good thing. It seems I have hit a turning point in life, where I just need to start a new chapter. A clean start in some ways. I remembering writing a long time ago that I felt that one of the most important things we have are the bonds between human beings. I still believe it, but maybe I need to be a bit more independent. Love certainly needs to be a two way road. I guess I'm trying to teach myself that if other people don't want to hang on or are incompatible, there is nothing that I can do to hold on. I just need to forget and meet people that I can relate to. I have been meeting a lot of new people lately. I have enjoyed meeting all of them, but it always hits me a bit more when I meet someone I can really relate to. There aren't many people that really have the same outlook or philosophy that I do. I often tell myself that I wasn't meant for this time or world. It just seems like there aren't a lot of people I fully click with. These are the people I need to find. I had a dream a long time ago where I was hanging from a cliff. There were people that I knew and trusted above me and they knew I was hanging from the cliff. I wasn't worried because I knew they were going to come and rescue me so I waited patiently. Some time passed, and I managed to pull myself up. When I got up and dusted my self off, I saw that everyone had left. I remember feeling incredibly alone in the dream, and I think the dream was only echoing real subconscious fears. I feel like being a people person, that might be an insecurity I have. I can't be for certain, but it's a theory that I've been thinking about lately. When you're a kid, there isn't much getting in the way of relationships. If you like to play in the sand, we will get along. As we get older, there seems to be many reasons why you can't get along with someone. It's a complicated world we create for ourselves. I think that might be what I'm going through right now.

It's almost been two months back in America and I still don't feel like myself. I'd do anything to feel like myself again. Yes, time heals all, but I also want to get things rolling. I want to figure things out and see what is next for me.