Cheap

I wish I could give you more, but I can't
I can't give you the snowmobile winters like he can
I can't give you fancy rides to the mall
I can't give you sports vehicles and big SUVs
I can give you love
I can show you light
I can promise I will be there
But I now know those things are worthless and cheap

I can't make a mark on your life like he can
I have to accept that
It was fun while it lasted
I hope you I didn't waste your years
I'll leave you to be happy

There is the truth

Silent

I will share a happy exterior

Even if I burn inside

I will laugh at all your jokes

I will smile when I see you

I will act like I am protecting you

Even though I know its false



Do you ever miss me when I'm away?

Do you talk bad when my back is turned?

Would you cheer if I were gone?



Life is to hard to fight alone

To build an army is even harder



Let me think.


(March 24th, 2007)

Friends

I think I have the worst friends any person could have. I show them nothing but love and loyalty and the treat me like shit and use me. It is set in my mind that these people will most likely leave me in the next few years. So to water down the pain, I need to sever my connection with them. I will begin to use them like they have been using me these past 7 or so years. They never cared about me, they kept me around because I offered them things no one else could. I think I am beginning to hate them. I just called Jon, who is suppose to be one of my best friends, and he told me that he was going out with some other friends tonight. Thats cool, not a big deal though, Tony is visiting him and how often does he see Tony. When they all came over, the first thing Nick did was hit me a couple of times with a stick and of course he called me a bitch. I now know for sure I fucking hate Nick. I would kill that fucker if I had the chance. He thinks he is the baddest mother fucker in the world, but anytime anyone shows and sort of threat to him, he runs away. All the concert experiences have shown me he is the biggest pussy of them all. There are so many other things that make him just someone I can't respect. My life is wonderful. I think my most loyal friend is Mitch. Everyone makes fun of how stupid he is, but he probably is the nicest one out of all of them. From now I will try and defend him as long as he doesn't make a idiot out of himself, but he does that a lot, and most of the time he deserves to get made fun of. Right now, my true friend count is zero. First time in my life and I am scared right now. I know I won't last long with out any friends, that is just how I am. So I need to start exploring. I am thinking about not moving into Melrose next year so I can stay home and be with people who I really love.

Pray for me. I don't know what I did to deserve this.

(March 23rd, 2007)