I'm just a frustrated little boy right now. I can't pin point it down to one thing, because just a bunch of events this weekend has made me into a raged child. I am hoping blogging about it quick, listening to loud music, and sleeping it off will make it all go away. Tomorrow a little exercise, more music, and just creating some videos will help me calm down. I wish there was some exciting shit to do to get me up beat again. I wish Warped Tour was tomorrow. It's like I get depressed if I don't go to concerts for an extended period of time.
What is exciting around this place with these people? I wanted to film this weekend but of course people bail out. I just wish people would tell the fucking truth once in a while. Look, if you don't want to do something, just say you don't want to do it. I don't need to hear some fucking excuse. Want to play football? Oh, I would, but I think my dead grandma is dying. Oh, I think I picked up a shift at work. Oh, this and that. Just strait up tell me. I can handle it. Don't lead me to believe something is going to happen just so I can plan the whole thing out and so you can back out 2 minutes after I get everyone together. Football is just an example...and not a good one. I can kind of understand why people don't really want to play football with me. I'm just too fucking intense for people to handle. But I don't think I'm this intense about everything I do. Yes, I like to do things organized, I like to do things right, and I like to do things with passion. So what? Fuck off. Maybe I am a shitty dude, maybe I'm not. I feel misunderstood sometimes. By everyone sometimes. I honestly feel totally alone sometimes. I feel no one understands my philosophy. Maybe the way I think is just total bull shit? How could I be rejected over and over again? I get really confused because I'm just playing by the standards this world has made. I'm just rambling now. I think I talked about this in my previous blog. Sorry for repeating so many issues...I guess it's something that just sticks with me. I wish I just had one best friend, that totally understands me that I can talk to about anything and is just as considerate as I try to be. Is that what ones wife/husband is suppose to be? Something that I can put all my blind faith into and come out on the other end a happy person? I'd like to bond, but I feel sometimes people just don't understand me. What am I? Where am I? Why am I like this? What made me like this? Why can't I just be normal. I'm 21 years old and I currently feel like I just don't have a grip on anything. I have no fucking job. I really don't have any friends. A few. I really feel lucky to have a brother like Dick, a mother like my Mom, and a friend like Jon. But there are barriers even there. Maybe I'm just an impossible person. How can I completely change the person I am? I feel like I am a pretty flexible person. Am I really just that fucking boring? It seems like people just don't really like to be around me. I try to plan stuff to do when I get people gathered, but it never seems to work out. I'd like to go out and have fun. I'd like to be always doing sweet shit. When I suggest things, people brush them off. Look, I'm not going to force anyone to do anything. When I ask others to suggest shit, they don't have anything.
Again, why do I feel these things? Why do I write these things and post them as blogs? I like to document my thoughts once in a while and I like to vent. But sometimes I actually thing I am reaching out for attention. I'm really critical on myself like that sometimes. But hey, I don't know if it's true or false, but at least I can admit I'm a piece of shit sometimes.
This Friday we got to act 4, I believe, in Metal Gear Solid 4. All tight so far. I read that since MGS4 came out, PS3 sales have gone up 700%. Pretty crazy huh? Saturday we were suppose to film, I thought I had all the pieces together, but of course something more important then me comes up. Had to throw that out. Planned basketball instead, but hey, more important shit came up again. Sunday, new movie plans, oh wait, I'm still not worth the time. And I learned some people just don't appreciate me. Hey, I get it. I also understand that people have shit to do and people have lives that don't revolve around me. But when you say that you are there, c'mon, keep your promise. I don't know what to believe any more. People don't believe what I say or give me credit for the things I've done...and when I give trust to others, they just break it. Where am I suppose to go from here? People don't trust me, I try trusting but it all ends fucked up. I did have some good moments too this weekend. I hung out with an old pal who I haven't seen for a bunch of months I think. Always good to see old pals. Even if I didn't have much to do.
Who knows.
I'll probably feel better tomorrow. I just don't want to be in this awful funk anymore. I don't want to waste my summer any more. I keep telling myself I need to do shit to feel good. But when you're in a funk, you just don't want to do shit. It's like an awful circle of shit, and some how you just need to grab your self and break free.
I need something to change my fortunes.
Really, I'm not as crazy as this blog makes me appear. I'm a pretty normal dude. I just get passionate about things, I look to deep into things. Good qualities in ways, but it can get me into trouble. It's just the dude I am. If that means I have to live alone, what can I do. I do enjoy people though.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Passion
Looks like I will have to wait for my first NBA championship, but I am sure come Tuesday I will finally be an NBA champ.
God, lately I have been so passionate about things and kind of emotional. It's like the old Min that was so much fun to be. Like right now, I have nothing to do since Leah is on the computer that I edit my videos on but I can't go to bed because I have to much anxiety from the Celtics game. I've been trying to play a lot more basketball lately and even when I'm playing I feel like I want to be the best and I am much more passionate than I have been. I've worked very hard to suppress my passion for things because sometimes I feel like I get to caught up in things and it offends other people. but lately just everything gets me jacked up. I feel like a female on her period. Maybe I've just found my old drive again. I remember when failure wasn't an option for me. Losing was a disgrace to myself and the people around me. I mean, I always have that philosophy, but I've been more forgiving these last few years. I'm kind of glad that I have a little more killer instinct. I think it's a good time for me to have it. Also, I am glad I played basketball with E-rob today. He is a lot of fun to play with since he does play with a little more emotion than my usual company. I hope to play with him more often. I just can't sit around and do nothing as of late. I need to be production, doing stuff, and competing. If that makes me a jackass, well, that's just who I am. I get made fun of sometimes for being to passionate when it comes to Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I say why not! Could this be the reason there isn't anyone that can take me down at that game? Yes, I know it's just a video game, but if I have this mentality for everything, isn't it good? What if I work hard at being the best son, brother, student, Brawl player, basketball player, whatever! Look, I know I am not playing basketball at a world class level...if I were I'd be playing in the NBA. I'm not stupid, I know I'm not that good. But I still don't see why I can't be passionate and try my best. No one is gifted with everything, so does that mean we shouldn't try at the things that we aren't that good at? This is some peoples philosophy, but it ain't mine. So yes, fuck everyone and kiss my ass. I am better than you. I've been saying that to myself a lot lately...not because I believe it completely, but sometimes I am way to modest and I sometimes get the short end because of it. I am trying to teach myself to be more cut throat. So yes, I will fuck you up. That is what I'm telling myself.
I've been getting some worries comments on my last blog. Let me try and clarify some things. Yes, the story is real. Yes, it's a little sensitive and J.W's quote isn't as direct as it could be. But you needed to be there, the context really pushes it over the top. Yes Jon and I talked about it a little. Jon told me he wouldn't be surprised if his grandpa was a racist. We both know he is a little old, he grew up in a difference culture. No, I am not looking to get FPI into trouble. Why the hell would I do that? People still must not know me. I am unconditionally loyal and loving. I hold family above everything and I try to do the same with friends (even though sometimes I feel like I am the only one giving in that department). Sometimes I say some real shit and it catches people off balance. This is probably why people tell so many white lies. Cause people now'a days just can't handle real shit any more. I'm a complicated person, I am real, but I love to joke. I am really strict about stuff, but I am totally passive. I'm kind of a paradox. I always try to be humble, but I know I need to be confident and a lot of times I tell myself I am better than others. You just kind of have to learn me. Sometimes I feel totally alone. Sometimes I feel like I'm too complicated for anyone to understand. Maybe I'm just too inconsistent. Too crazy, too stupid. Maybe too organized, too smart.
I like the things in life that can't be seen or measured. Only sensed. I think I have a greater sense on these things. It's hard to explain since I can't quantify it and that's how people base things. On facts, evidence, and numbers. I think there is more out there than that. I often ask people can you just see, or can you just feel, and they think I am way off. This is when I feel alone sometimes. I can look into someones eyes and sense things others can't. The other day we met a group of guys at the basketball courts and I was a captain and I needed to draft a team. I didn't draft on raw talent or what people said. I drafted on what I felt, their personalities and things that couldn't be measured. My team would go on to win more games than the other.
I'm being way to cocky tonight. Someone slap some sense into me. Actually no, I'd probably get mad.
God, lately I have been so passionate about things and kind of emotional. It's like the old Min that was so much fun to be. Like right now, I have nothing to do since Leah is on the computer that I edit my videos on but I can't go to bed because I have to much anxiety from the Celtics game. I've been trying to play a lot more basketball lately and even when I'm playing I feel like I want to be the best and I am much more passionate than I have been. I've worked very hard to suppress my passion for things because sometimes I feel like I get to caught up in things and it offends other people. but lately just everything gets me jacked up. I feel like a female on her period. Maybe I've just found my old drive again. I remember when failure wasn't an option for me. Losing was a disgrace to myself and the people around me. I mean, I always have that philosophy, but I've been more forgiving these last few years. I'm kind of glad that I have a little more killer instinct. I think it's a good time for me to have it. Also, I am glad I played basketball with E-rob today. He is a lot of fun to play with since he does play with a little more emotion than my usual company. I hope to play with him more often. I just can't sit around and do nothing as of late. I need to be production, doing stuff, and competing. If that makes me a jackass, well, that's just who I am. I get made fun of sometimes for being to passionate when it comes to Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I say why not! Could this be the reason there isn't anyone that can take me down at that game? Yes, I know it's just a video game, but if I have this mentality for everything, isn't it good? What if I work hard at being the best son, brother, student, Brawl player, basketball player, whatever! Look, I know I am not playing basketball at a world class level...if I were I'd be playing in the NBA. I'm not stupid, I know I'm not that good. But I still don't see why I can't be passionate and try my best. No one is gifted with everything, so does that mean we shouldn't try at the things that we aren't that good at? This is some peoples philosophy, but it ain't mine. So yes, fuck everyone and kiss my ass. I am better than you. I've been saying that to myself a lot lately...not because I believe it completely, but sometimes I am way to modest and I sometimes get the short end because of it. I am trying to teach myself to be more cut throat. So yes, I will fuck you up. That is what I'm telling myself.
I've been getting some worries comments on my last blog. Let me try and clarify some things. Yes, the story is real. Yes, it's a little sensitive and J.W's quote isn't as direct as it could be. But you needed to be there, the context really pushes it over the top. Yes Jon and I talked about it a little. Jon told me he wouldn't be surprised if his grandpa was a racist. We both know he is a little old, he grew up in a difference culture. No, I am not looking to get FPI into trouble. Why the hell would I do that? People still must not know me. I am unconditionally loyal and loving. I hold family above everything and I try to do the same with friends (even though sometimes I feel like I am the only one giving in that department). Sometimes I say some real shit and it catches people off balance. This is probably why people tell so many white lies. Cause people now'a days just can't handle real shit any more. I'm a complicated person, I am real, but I love to joke. I am really strict about stuff, but I am totally passive. I'm kind of a paradox. I always try to be humble, but I know I need to be confident and a lot of times I tell myself I am better than others. You just kind of have to learn me. Sometimes I feel totally alone. Sometimes I feel like I'm too complicated for anyone to understand. Maybe I'm just too inconsistent. Too crazy, too stupid. Maybe too organized, too smart.
I like the things in life that can't be seen or measured. Only sensed. I think I have a greater sense on these things. It's hard to explain since I can't quantify it and that's how people base things. On facts, evidence, and numbers. I think there is more out there than that. I often ask people can you just see, or can you just feel, and they think I am way off. This is when I feel alone sometimes. I can look into someones eyes and sense things others can't. The other day we met a group of guys at the basketball courts and I was a captain and I needed to draft a team. I didn't draft on raw talent or what people said. I drafted on what I felt, their personalities and things that couldn't be measured. My team would go on to win more games than the other.
I'm being way to cocky tonight. Someone slap some sense into me. Actually no, I'd probably get mad.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Franklin Press Inc.
Before I get to the title of my blog I got to mention a few other things. First thing being the Boston Celtics! LET'S GO! I am upstairs right now watching game 4 and what a joke the first quarter was. The 2nd half just started and I'm calling it now, Boston is going to win tonight. (I'll just delete this part later). But for real, it's going to be so amazing when the Celtics win the championship.
Today I did a lot video editing and learning how to create some cool effects until Tony and Jon came over. (Oh no! Perkins just got hurt!) When they came over, we basically sat around and didn't do much. Kind of sad really.
Anywho, now time for what I really wanted to write about. I had the day off today and as far as I know, I have the rest of the summer off from Franklin Press until they get a bulk of work. I'm really glad they let me work there for a couple of weeks. Seriously, I do appreciate it. However, earlier this week I had the worst day at Franklin Press ever. Along with that, possibly the first time my race was used against me because some racist thought Asians were inferior to whites. I never really thought that my race would ever be used against me, but 21 years of luck finally ran out. So, who played the race card? Well, it was Jon's Grandpa who is referred to as J.W at Franklin Press Inc (FPI). Maybe J.W was just having a rough day that day, but he just had a string of offensive comments and acts. The first one happened early during they day. We were all working in a little crowded room and Jon asked me to movie a pallet for him and of course I told him I would. He wanted me to move a pallet on the side of the room. J.W asks me why I was moving that pallet and I told him Jon wanted me to. J.W goes over to Jon and asks him why that pallet needed to be moved. Jon explained to him why but J.W tells him he has a more efficient way of completing Jon's task. So J.W tells me to move another pallet in the middle of the room surrounded by other pallets. No biggie, if it truly is a better way of doing things, it has to be done. The pallet was in a difficult position to move already, and it doesn't help that I'm inexperienced with the pallet jack. So I lift the pallet and I try to pull it out, but my pallet hits another and I get caught. I push it back and in the middle of my adjustment I feel a hand on my shoulder so I turn around to see J.W. He opens his old face and says to me, "Damn Mihm, you suck!" (Mihm, because the ass-hole still hasn't learned my name). So he takes the jack away from me and lifts the pallet. As he begins to pull the pallet out, the corner of the pallet he is mocing gets caught at the same spot my attempt did. Well, of course I wasn't going to help him so I just sat back and watched him make the same blunder I did. Superiority complex? Maybe. Usually J.W just sits back and doesn't do anything except make fun of people. Doesn't do any work really. Whatever, let the old man have his glory. Let me set up the next story. So remember how Jon told me to move the pallet on the side? He needed to get to a couple of pallets in the middle of a bunch of pallets. Jon found a way where he could 2 pallets and get to what he needed. Not a bad method since there was also an assembly line we needed to work around. However, J.W told Jon he knows a better way where he only needs to move one pallet to get to Jon's objective. However, we needed to stop the assembly line. Either way, Jon submits and agrees to do it the way J.W wanted. After J.W moved the pallet I tried to move, he realized he needed to move another pallet. So while Jon's way would have moved two pallets and not stopped the assembly line, J.W's more self proclaimed efficient method needed two pallets and a stop in the line. J.W fails again. (Boston just won!) Fast forward and skip some other shit J.W did (Ya, I'm lazy). He is the big one that really offended me. There were a bunch of temps working with us that day. Most of the temps happen to be Asain, Vietnamese to be specific. Anywho, a couple of temps and I were assigned to label boxes and stack them. While I was stacking them, I needed to reposition a couple of boxes but it was hard to do it by myself because the stack was too high. I was physically unable to reposition them. PHYSICALLY. So Jon, who is taller than I am, is walking by so I ask him to help me out really quick. Jon lifts one of the boxes and I move the one I need into place. As we are doing this J.W walks by and says, "Can't figure out the jigsaw puzzle with your brains huh?" Jon replies," No grandpa, I was never good with jigsaws." J.W says, "Oh no, not you Jon, those people couldn't figure it out." Who exactly are THOSE PEOPLE? A bunch of Asians? Get this too, Jon told me a a story before this happened. J.W pulled Jon to the side earlier that day and told Jon that he needed to do jobs at FPI that stimulate his brain. Unfortunately, we are part of the production team. We pack boxes, stack boxes, and collate paper. Not much brain power needed. So I was physically unable to reposition the box, and therefore I am too stupid to do more sophisticated jobs. Now the temps don't speak English too well, however, I have learned a little English in my day. So I was able to take offense to his comment. Luckily for J.W and I am a friend of the Franklin family so I am forced to just let that comment pass. Does anyone know how much trouble a business can get into for making racially offensive comments? I do need to pay for college...
Anywho, do let me know.
But here is my warning, if you're Asian, do not work at Franklin Press Inc. They will not respect you.
Today I did a lot video editing and learning how to create some cool effects until Tony and Jon came over. (Oh no! Perkins just got hurt!) When they came over, we basically sat around and didn't do much. Kind of sad really.
Anywho, now time for what I really wanted to write about. I had the day off today and as far as I know, I have the rest of the summer off from Franklin Press until they get a bulk of work. I'm really glad they let me work there for a couple of weeks. Seriously, I do appreciate it. However, earlier this week I had the worst day at Franklin Press ever. Along with that, possibly the first time my race was used against me because some racist thought Asians were inferior to whites. I never really thought that my race would ever be used against me, but 21 years of luck finally ran out. So, who played the race card? Well, it was Jon's Grandpa who is referred to as J.W at Franklin Press Inc (FPI). Maybe J.W was just having a rough day that day, but he just had a string of offensive comments and acts. The first one happened early during they day. We were all working in a little crowded room and Jon asked me to movie a pallet for him and of course I told him I would. He wanted me to move a pallet on the side of the room. J.W asks me why I was moving that pallet and I told him Jon wanted me to. J.W goes over to Jon and asks him why that pallet needed to be moved. Jon explained to him why but J.W tells him he has a more efficient way of completing Jon's task. So J.W tells me to move another pallet in the middle of the room surrounded by other pallets. No biggie, if it truly is a better way of doing things, it has to be done. The pallet was in a difficult position to move already, and it doesn't help that I'm inexperienced with the pallet jack. So I lift the pallet and I try to pull it out, but my pallet hits another and I get caught. I push it back and in the middle of my adjustment I feel a hand on my shoulder so I turn around to see J.W. He opens his old face and says to me, "Damn Mihm, you suck!" (Mihm, because the ass-hole still hasn't learned my name). So he takes the jack away from me and lifts the pallet. As he begins to pull the pallet out, the corner of the pallet he is mocing gets caught at the same spot my attempt did. Well, of course I wasn't going to help him so I just sat back and watched him make the same blunder I did. Superiority complex? Maybe. Usually J.W just sits back and doesn't do anything except make fun of people. Doesn't do any work really. Whatever, let the old man have his glory. Let me set up the next story. So remember how Jon told me to move the pallet on the side? He needed to get to a couple of pallets in the middle of a bunch of pallets. Jon found a way where he could 2 pallets and get to what he needed. Not a bad method since there was also an assembly line we needed to work around. However, J.W told Jon he knows a better way where he only needs to move one pallet to get to Jon's objective. However, we needed to stop the assembly line. Either way, Jon submits and agrees to do it the way J.W wanted. After J.W moved the pallet I tried to move, he realized he needed to move another pallet. So while Jon's way would have moved two pallets and not stopped the assembly line, J.W's more self proclaimed efficient method needed two pallets and a stop in the line. J.W fails again. (Boston just won!) Fast forward and skip some other shit J.W did (Ya, I'm lazy). He is the big one that really offended me. There were a bunch of temps working with us that day. Most of the temps happen to be Asain, Vietnamese to be specific. Anywho, a couple of temps and I were assigned to label boxes and stack them. While I was stacking them, I needed to reposition a couple of boxes but it was hard to do it by myself because the stack was too high. I was physically unable to reposition them. PHYSICALLY. So Jon, who is taller than I am, is walking by so I ask him to help me out really quick. Jon lifts one of the boxes and I move the one I need into place. As we are doing this J.W walks by and says, "Can't figure out the jigsaw puzzle with your brains huh?" Jon replies," No grandpa, I was never good with jigsaws." J.W says, "Oh no, not you Jon, those people couldn't figure it out." Who exactly are THOSE PEOPLE? A bunch of Asians? Get this too, Jon told me a a story before this happened. J.W pulled Jon to the side earlier that day and told Jon that he needed to do jobs at FPI that stimulate his brain. Unfortunately, we are part of the production team. We pack boxes, stack boxes, and collate paper. Not much brain power needed. So I was physically unable to reposition the box, and therefore I am too stupid to do more sophisticated jobs. Now the temps don't speak English too well, however, I have learned a little English in my day. So I was able to take offense to his comment. Luckily for J.W and I am a friend of the Franklin family so I am forced to just let that comment pass. Does anyone know how much trouble a business can get into for making racially offensive comments? I do need to pay for college...
Anywho, do let me know.
But here is my warning, if you're Asian, do not work at Franklin Press Inc. They will not respect you.
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