You're Already Dead

Yay! Still an hour plus until my advisory meeting so I need to burn some time. A perfect time to blog in this computer lab like I did so much last year. I finished class about 45 minutes ago and I didn't feel like walking back home to only walk back an hour later for my meeting. The meeting should be interesting. I guess I really don't have something concrete to talk about, but rather I was going to ask my councilor what I should do with the rest of my collegiate career and then my life. Kind of a weird theme huh? But the fact is that I need to pick a major within 2 weeks and whether or not that major correlates to my life and career, it is still going to be an important decision I feel. Oh the chaos and confusion!

So the state of our apartment has been pretty fair as of late. Zak has really raised his understanding and has really tried hard to balance his living style with the style of others. His actions are much appreciated as far as I go. Dean has always been one of the more understanding and considerate people I've known so no worries there, duh. I hate to admit it, but the only hiccup now in our room is Mitch. How someone can be so naive, ignorant, arrogant, self-centered, inconsiderate and hot-tempered baffles me. It's hard to explain what he does, but if you are around him long enough you quickly catch on to his annoying habits. You don't have to live with him to pick these annoyances up. The thing is that it is impossible to talk to him about everything and anything because he just lies about all his insecurities and misdoings. I think he is so far into thinking that he is good at living and everything that he can't accept mistakes. If you confront him about something and he doesn't lie, he just gets angry. Along with this, his logic confuses me. I don't think I have blogged about the story of when he yelled at Zak, which I shall document now. I believe he needed to get up at 6 or something the next morning so he went to bed early. Well, Zak, Dean and myself got into a mild slap-happy mood in the living room so our volume was above normal. Well I walk into my room to brush up and get ready bed when I see Mitch storm by the door, single Zak out and yell, "Seriously, shut the fuck up. I have to get up at 6 A.M." The actions and words independently might not be seen to extreme, but let us consider a few things. One: He is generally, and by generally I mean always, the loudest person when I am trying to get to bed. Bed time for me is around midnight every night since I have morning classes this semester. His over exaggerated laughs and unnecessary excitement over Madden plays or what is going on TV always keeps me up (Even worse, haunts me haha). Two: He seems to put the volume of his laptop and volume of the TV in competition. For some reason he needs to watch YouTube at the same time as ESPN. When YouTube gets to loud, he just raises the volume for ESPN, but when his video is done buffering and ESPN is eclipsing his laptops volume, up goes the Youtube audio. Considerate? I think not. I would feel bad if I was the only one upset about his actions cause I know I can be picky at times. I never want to assume my way is the best way, so I had to make sure and ask my other roommates. The consensus of our room was his actions are not acceptable. I could write about this topic for megabytes and megabytes of server space, but I'll end it after a few more issues. With Mitch, nothing ever stays consistent. It could be that his memory is horrible and he just forgets that he has used something and where that item should be returned, but for some odd reason that item never returns clean or does it ever return. Also, he does this thing when he is done with milk cartons and cans. He rinses them and leaves them out on the kitchen counter-top. Now I am pretty American when it comes to living style, but I did grow up under a Korean roof and I am curious, is this a Caucasian habit? I don't want to make the mistake of a cultural difference. In my house, we usually clean up our mess and it is unacceptable to leave things out expecting other people to throw it away for you. That might just be my house though. I am beginning to think that he owns the refrigerator space as well. He just shoves other peoples items aside to access his and never moves them back. This might be a little picky, but I enjoy it when I am looking for food and it is aesthetically pleasing to look into the fridge. I don't want to think that I am eating mashed up pigs food. I will end with one more issue. A couple of weeks ago we made a "Room 125 Constitution." In this constitution we made a few major rules. One of them was that we would only eat our own food. I asked the room when we first moved in because I knew this was going to be an issue but they all agreed on community food. Now we all have to mark our items of food with a B, D, M, Z or C. Benny, Dean, Min, Zak or community. During the community era, which I knew wasn't going to work, I would probably put in about $30 of food a week with items like bread, water bottles and other much used items. Another major change we made was that everyone is responsible for their own dishes. You use it, you clean it. Pretty basic I think. For some reason this concept hasn't caught on as quickly as I had imagined. This past Monday, we made some amendments to make sure everyone does their part. Mitch admitted to not doing the dishes because he felt others were not doing their part. I once heard a quote that stated that two wrongs don't make a right...or I guess in this case, one wrong doesn't make a right. Because Zak and I confirmed that Dean was cleaning his dishes right after he used them, Zak only uses the food his Dad brings him which is in Tupperware and there wasn't ever any Tupperware, and I clean my isht everyday after class. We gave everyone a 24 hour rule so it was acceptable for me to wait until I got home from class. And I don't mean to be arrogant, but to put it bluntly, I am the standard right now when it comes to overall cleanness. On top of this, we saw items in the sink with Mitch's garbage in it. No one else in our apartment has eggs except for Mitch, so how did that egg covered frying pan, spatula and plate get into the sink? Maybe we have a 5th ghost roommate? Ya, that has to be it.

Along with the issues at the apartment, I've been kind of struggling with the discovery that people lie to me much more than I initially understood. I really thought if continued to be genuinely honest, that karma would work its magic. I always gave people the benefit of the doubt, but now I understand that when you give people that lenience they abuse it and when the do it for so long, it just becomes natural. Lies are so easily seen through. I firmly believe there is no such thing as a good lie when it comes from a liar. It is too obvious. The thing is, I am not one to call people out on their fuck ups so I will continue to get abused. If only people were strong enough to resist societies temptations and standards. Face it fuckers, you will never impress society and other fakes or "hipsters", you might as well start bonding with the people that matter. Don't sell out.
I guess this kind goes along with the liars idea, but I learned about a theory in my psychoanalysis class that really bothers me. In Sigmund Freud's studies of the human unconscious, pre-conscious and conscious, he states that all humans have an unconscious instinct to seek betrayal. That seems pretty ridiculous but how can we prove it right or wrong? I think it really dug into me because for the past 2 years I've struggled with this issue. It really wore me down last year and the only thing that kept me up was music (Good thing Senses Fail's "Still Searching" and Brand New's "The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me" came out when they did). I always asked myself, how does this horrible thing always happen to me? Haven't I always been loyal and caring? Then this theory exposed it self last week. Could it really have been that I have been setting my self up for epic heartbreaks? Consciously, I know I don't ever want to feel that way again. I guess what really eats at me is that if this really is an instinct and I really don't have any control over this, am I really living? I might as well just be a programmed robot that does my internal instincts will. I pride my self with strong logic and strong cognitive abilities but really maybe it's not even me doing these actions. I kind of think of it as my conscious in a vehicle that my unconscious is driving. I can think and see what is going on outside the window, but where the vehicle is going I have no control over. Kind of depresses me.

Almost time for my meeting so I will end on one last topic - the new Armor for Sleep album. Couldn't have come out at a better time. It is like artists and music knows when I need to talk about certain things and they always come out to help (haha, it could be that there is so much music our there, but always by my favorite artists?). It is almost as if Armor for Sleep wanted to talk about liars and betrayal with me. The CD has a theme of critiquing society and how it changes the way people act. "Smile For The Camera" the albums name is pretty self explanatory. I really love how Armor takes shots at hipsters (Listen of "Williamsburg"). There are a few parts in the CD that I don't really like, but overall it is something I really enjoy. The production might have been more fitting for the theme of "Dream to Make Believe" since it has a lot of echo and reverb effects along with chimes and bells but it works for this CD as well. Do your self a good deed and go listen to the whole album. And I don't give a shit what people say about emo music, I think it is fantastic. I really do feel like it is poetry, emotion, human thought, humanitarianism, therapy all in motion. If you can't except that people need to share their feelings, that is to bad for you.