The Pursuit Of Perfection

I've just been kind of down lately. Nothing really exciting going on, kind of living every day in repetition, and just unsure of a lot of things if not everything. There was a period earlier in 2012 where for a couple of months I was busting ass and trying to make things happen. I think that sort of maximum effort would've continued had I seem some sort of progress. However, there came a point where it seemed like the harder I worked the more backwards I was headed. If I could just pin-point the source of my frustration/depression/anger/anxiety/yearning (See, I can't even come up for a good word for what I'm feeling) I could hone in on it and focus purely on fixing the issue with laser like focus. I think this inability to articulate and understand what I'm feeling makes it doubly frustrating. And so I've decided to change my way of life a bit. Forever I tried to be this purely logical, very disciplined, no bull-shit, considerate, open-minded, and available kind of guy. I chased "perfection" with nothing else in mind. I convinced myself I could rest when I get there. However, it would make little sense for me to continue this course of action if I feel like I'm going backwards. I suppose it doesn't matter at this point if I don't have a solid backup plan because what I'm doing is not working. I can almost assume anything else would work better. I, however, have figured out one thing during the trek. I've learned that my pursuit of perfection might have been my biggest flaw. What a stupid fucking flaw too. Doesn't seem right that trying to be the kindest, hardest working, most logical dude in the room can be a flaw. But it was mine and I now know I have to let go a bit. Trying to control every factor just isn't possible. I just hope something comes my way soon. I just want something to click, or a sign to come my way and give me a push a certain direction. Even a tiny little spark that would add some excitement in my life would be good enough for me. Something that makes waking up exciting. 2012 is about to end on us, and although a date doesn't mean anything, maybe it will give me enough of a placebo push a certain way.