I've been smashing out these blogs non-stop today. Guess I have a lot to talk about. I just watched the end of the Cavs and T'wolves and my heart was just broken. My heart aches for Kevin Garnett. It aches because I know how it feels. I know how it feels to give everything you have within you only to be disappointed by the people around you. I watched Kevin Garnett's body language, I looked at his eyes, I sensed the his aura, and it all reminded me of me. Of me when I'm playing backyard football with the pals, of me playing basketball last summer with Jon and Dawson and how many times we could have won against the "wegros" but lost, it reminded me of my life. I could feel his blood boiling at the surface of his stomach, the same spot I feel it every time I get frustrated at peoples efforts. I felt his pain and it hurt. It hurts to see someone do everything perfect, put in 200% effort and heart, and not have anything to show for it. It's how I feel a lot of the time. It breaks my fucking heart that there aren't more people like him. What if everyone was that driven? The world would be a more productive place. No one will ever understand people like us. Some people in the room claimed he was angry, and I guess that isn't wrong, but its deeper then that. I wish I could explain it, but I can't. You just have to feel it, but the problem is I know no one reading this has ever felt it.
In the past I would always act up beat when I was around people. The past being early as 2 weeks ago. But lately I just don't feel like being nice to everyone I come across anymore. Knowing that this world is full of shitty people. Knowing that I could be nice to someone, but that that person doesn't appreciate it and won't give me any respect back. Its frustrating. So I apologize in advance to everyone that reads this. Sorry if you are around me and I don't seem so excited to be around you. Its probably because I'm not. For 20 years I did nothing but make people feel comfortable and look where I am now. Alone and lost. There is no need to make the people around you feel better, because it will never benefit you. But trust me, I'm actually a nice person, but life has forced me to become a realist.
One last thing. People suck at driving. I think car horns should be removed from all cars. People are to quick to use it. People think they are immune to mistakes in a car. I drive with to many people who think they own the road. Quick to honk and point out other peoples mistakes even though they didn't do anything. Even quicker to deny their own wrongs.
Damn, I must be bored and really bitchy. Sometimes I just get fed up. You try going through 20 years of shit.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
God, Jesus, Heaven, Hell
When I got done writing blogs in the basement of Coffman I left so I could get to Dean's. On the way, these two people stopped me and asked me if I was a student at the U and I told them that I am. Then the guy told me that they are Christians and he was going around asking people about their faith. He asked me, a bunch of questions. "Are you religious?" "Are you a good person?" "Have you ever stolen?" "Ever lied?" "What do I think will happen to me after I die?" I answered his questions honesty and I stayed and chatted with him because I wanted to see what he was getting at. He really got no where. At the end he asked me to decide right there and then if I believed in heaven and god. I told him that I couldn't answer that at the time, because I really couldn't. Show me some proof. I appreciated the talk. I am to open minded not to be open to their views, but I wasn't willing to give them my word. I could have just lied and told them yes, but I am to honest of a person. Before they left, they told me that they would pray for me. I wondered what they would say in their prayers. "Dear heavenly father, please help Min believe and earn a spot in heaven." I doubt that. I know for sure they don't give a shit about if I get in their heaven or not. They actually probably hope I don't get in so they have more of a chance to get in and so their heaven isn't so crowded. What were they really going to say in their prayer? Are they even going to mention my name in a prayer? Or was it just an attempt to suck my money into their church. Their talk just confused me more. I really don't think I can trust anyone of religion because the church has warped their minds.
The walk Dean's was different. As I walked I felt almost hypnotized. Everything that was going on just made it a numb walk. The snow, the wind, the cold, the talk, the lights, the buildings. The wind and snow made the environment mystic, made it beautiful and foreign. The street lights seemed to glow mildly and were more comforting than usual. The buildings seemed to look down at me and critique me. There was a point in my walk where there was no one around me. Not a single physical body. Crowded U of M and there isn't a single body around me. It was kind of eerie but comforting. At that moment, I felt completely alone.
The walk Dean's was different. As I walked I felt almost hypnotized. Everything that was going on just made it a numb walk. The snow, the wind, the cold, the talk, the lights, the buildings. The wind and snow made the environment mystic, made it beautiful and foreign. The street lights seemed to glow mildly and were more comforting than usual. The buildings seemed to look down at me and critique me. There was a point in my walk where there was no one around me. Not a single physical body. Crowded U of M and there isn't a single body around me. It was kind of eerie but comforting. At that moment, I felt completely alone.
Zombie Dream Chapter 5
I wake up and I spring up like I just woke up from a nightmare. I look around the room quick and I catch myself and ask myself why I am freaking out. I can hear voices outside and next door. I lay back down and think about going back to sleep but I crawl out and see what the other people are doing. Some of the males are checking the cars outside with no protection and it bothers me but I don't say anything and walk into the next room where a bunch of people are chatting and have some brunch. Jon makes fun of my morning hair and I flick him off. I am trying to shake my morning grogginess off and I keep walking with a morning limp. I pretend like I'm a zombie and I attack Dick from behind. He knocks his brunch over and my Mom yells at me. Morning grogginess gone. I look around the room to see who else is eating. I see my sister and Natalie off in another corner and I see the Johnson females and the Franklin females in the other. Tiffany waves as she eats her food and I wave back. I pop a squat next to the boys and I open a bottle of water. Jon asks what time I got to bed and I just tell him late. Dawson then asks me where we are going today and I give him this "I just woke up, shut the fuck up face." I ask them where the other families are and they tell me they are in the room next door. I tell them that the Dads are checking up on the cars without and protection and that when we finish we should go out and keep an eye on them. I get up from the table and I tell them I am going to go visit the other group next door. On the way I walk over to the cars and I drop off a pistol for my Dad. I knock on the door of the other families and I walk in. They are all eating brunch in their pajamas and I ask them how they are doing. They pull up a chair and offer me something to eat but I say no thanks and I have a seat. Jim asks me how I slept and I tell him not to well with a smile on my face. I look around the table and I see Amanda staring at me with a smile and I smile back and she laughs. I ask her what and she tells me my hair is amazing. I look up like I can actually see the top of my head. Then I pat my hair and I feel it sticking up in all directions. I get up slightly embarrassed and Amanda says it looks fine and the whole table laughs. I laugh and say I need to get cleaned up any way and I leave. After I take my shower and I eat I gather everyone to discuss our next move. The Johnson's remind us that we haven't reached Canada yet and that we should keep moving. Sounds good to me. Jim from the other group interjects and asks if we could stay here for one more day. I ask him why? He says that the boy with the broken leg isn't feeling well and another day of relaxing will probably do him some good. I look around to see if anyone from my group has anything to say but all I get are blank stares that suggest I say something. I tell Jim that I think that would be fine. Its already 4 in the afternoon and it wouldn't make much sense to pack and leave so late. I think it would be nice to just sit around and relax for another day. I was also hoping that with this spare time our two groups would interact more and not avoid each other like boys and girls at a third grade lunch table. I look around to see if anyone disagreed with the idea. Cory steps out from the crowd and says that we can't waste another day just sitting around. I say in a light voice, "ah its okay. We're in no hurry." He looks at me with an angered face. He says that this is a dumb idea and that we need to be more efficient. He looks at Jim and tells him that he is sorry but that we are going and that they will have to defend them selves. Jim and I both try to say something but Cory turns to me and says "Who the fuck made you leader?" I tell him no one and I try to explain that I don't think I'm the leader but he keeps yelling in my face. I figure its better if he gets everything out and I let him yell. He finishes and storms toward his room. The air thickens and no one says anything. I break the silence and suggest that if anyone wants to go, they can go with Cory's group and if anyone wants to stay, they can stay with me and Jim's group. The rest of the Johnson's start towards their room and the Christenson's also join them. Everyone from my original group stays with me. Jim walks over to me and tells me that I don't have to do this and that I should go. I tell him that I would rather stay and not to worry about it. I look over to my group and they seem content with staying. Everyone goes off to do their own thing and I stand there and watch everyone go. I feel a hand on my shoulder, it's Amanda. She says in a weak voice, "You don't have to stay," her voice trails off. I look at her. She's looking at the ground and I smile and I tell her that I would rather help her Dad and her group out. She asks me if I'm sure and I tell her yes. I tell her the history behind me and Cory and it clears things up a little. I see the Christenson's and the Johnson's are almost done loading their car and I walk over. A bunch of them walk by me without saying anything. Natalie looks back and says bye before she hops into her car. Tiffany walks by and I wait for her to turn around and say bye but she just hops into her car. The two families start their cars and drive off. Our group watches them disappear and then goes into their rooms. I ask Jim how the boy with the broken leg is doing and he tells me he is fine. I ask Jim for the kids name and I'm kind of ashamed that I don't even know his name yet. Jim tells me the boys name is Danny. I watch everyone go into their rooms and now I'm the only one outside. The evening wind is cooler then it usually is and I sit outside and let it hit me. My Mom calls me in for some dinner so I walk into our room to get a bite. After dinner we sit around and watch some tv. The sun has set and I see some headlights outside the window and I move the curtains to get a better look but the lights shine right in my eyes and I can't make out the cars. I assume it is Cory's group coming back but when the shut the lights off I see it isn't. I open our door and look out at the silhouettes and I yell out Hi. A couple of voices yell hi back and they sound very familiar. I walk towards them and they walk towards me and the first guy I see is Jeff Blanchard from Bloomington. We both go crazy, jump up and down then hug each other. While we are yelling Ben Lee walks out and joins us and then the rest of their group. Now everyone inside heard all the yelling and they begin to pour out. Jon, Dawson and Mitch all run over and join the group hug. My Mom and Dad are pretty shocked and they say hi to the group of guys hugging then they talk to Ben's parents. Both groups shoot a bunch of questions at each other but everyones to loud and no one can make out the answers. No one can believe that our two groups would meet out in the middle of no where like this. We help them carry a few things in and then we just keep talking way to loud. I ask Ben what their plan is and he says that they really don't have one, that they are kind of going around trying to find safe places. I tell him that they are welcome to stay here with us and if they wanted to they could join us in our mission. They say they will bring it up with the rest of their group and that they will decide. After we get some serious talk done, we go back to goofing off. Later that night when everyone is settled in, Jeff and Ben tell me they talked to everyone and they decided that it would be best for their group to leave early tomorrow morning. I ask them why? Their group thinks it would be best not to stay in one spot for to long. Jon tells Ben to go back and beg for our two groups to merge but they say that its already been decided. I tell them that its to bad that we can't work together but I respect their decision. Everyone walks back inside but before I do I catch Jim digging around in his car and I walk over to say hi. When I say hi he kind of jumps then catches his breath and says hi back. I ask him how everything is and he says fine. I tell him that if Danny needs another day that I think I can talk everyone into staying another day. He turns to look at me and he asks if I'm sure and I tell him yes. He says that it would be nice but I hear in his voice that he doesn't want to trouble me. I tell him that it would be fine and not to worry and that its no trouble. He says thank you. I start walking toward my room and he says my name and I stop. He doesn't say anything for a second then he just says goodnight. I say goodnight back and walk into my room. That night I gave the bed up so someone else could sleep on it and I chose to sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I did this because I knew it would probably be another sleepless night. My assumption was true. I roll around for a few hours and I think maybe some fresh air might do me some good. I sneak out of my sleeping bag and out of the room quietly. I open the office door and I find the same chair I used last night, I grab it and make my way to the same spot on the second floor. I check my rifle and pistol. Ready like always. I take a deep breath. The air is thick and humid like it might rain soon and the stars aren't as bright tonight. I just sit back and think to my self since there aren't any stars to gaze at when I hear a clank on the stairs and I jump and I grab my rife. I catch myself and I hope that it's Amanda but I'm still careful. I see that the object doesn't look threating and I whisper Amanda's name and I squint my eyes. Amanda responds and tip toes over and hands be a bottle of water. I tell her with a smile on my face you can't scare me every night like this. She says sorry and pulls some snacks out of a bag. She asks, "Another rough night?" and I tell her yes and I thank her for the fruit snacks as she hands them to me. She thanks me for helping out her Dad and Danny and I tell her that it's not a big deal. I ask her why she isn't sleeping and she just says she is more of a night person and that someone has to keep me company. We sit and chat for a while as we feast on the snacks she brought out. She asks me stuff about Cory and Andy and I tell her more about the history honestly. She asks me if I like Tiffany and I tell her, "Ya, I guess so." She tells me it is kind of obvious and laughs. She asks me about Ben and I tell her about him but I feel bad for only talking about me and I ask her a few questions. The time seems to pass quick and I tell her that we better get some sleep and that it's probably not healthy to lack sleep like we are. She agrees and we walk down together and I walk her to her room like the previous night. She thanks me again for everything and throws a hug on me and we say goodnight. I dive back into my sleeping bag and I wish I hadn't had do many fruit snacks. Has to be unhealthy to snack that late and then go to sleep. I catch my self thinking and thinking and I slowly fall asleep.
Ventilation
Ignore me.
Friend vs. friend, I can see I am overreacting a tad. One left me, the other was just busy sharing his love.
An old friend visits, friendship, no shame in that.
The other: Leaving your loved ones for your own desires, thats called betrayal.
A friend is visiting. Hockey and fun. Understandable. What hurt was not the visiting friend, but another. The timing also was not in your favor.
"Plan on sight seeing and discovering a ghost city filled with curruption." Lies and betrayal. Afraid to tell me the truth? Was it sex? Was it fame? Money? It is something I obviously can't offer you. My love isn't enough. But I see through your lies. The first day of the month brings the day of deceit. Another lie to leave your friends? The holiday of jokes is one that is to important to miss I see. Even if your friend is dying. "Good friends" let others drown. I now know this.
Strange how time works. Strange how the stars are so disorganized perfectly. I polished my priorities and morals recently. I expressed them on a digital canvas. Time and fate were against me today, and showed me that my thoughts are weak. Loyalty is important to me, but not to this jester. Friends are in my heart, but with this fraud. Strange how my morals were rejected so fast by one I considered a best friend. Amazing how we differ so much. My time, energy, and life, were not enough to keep him dear. No worries, you are not the first to reject.
Anger: a powerful emotion.
Trust: difficult to breath life into, easy to kill.
Old memories. A digital journal. I just recently looked back. Our past, full of happiness and hope. I just read over a time where I wrote that I would give up anything just to have this friend near. How foolish of me. I wrote about how happy I was to be around him. How childish of me. Time, fate, memories, they all laugh at me. It angers me that I wasted that time. Time I spent feeding you, when I could have been feeding people who are actually important. More time wasted; Time and energy needed to mend a broken heart. Regret? Yes. I will use my journal to remind me that diamonds are not forever.
I've been fooled.
Thanks. Kind hearts do remain in a black world. Unexpected uplifting. Healing process hastened. But don't give yourself to much credit.
In goes the old, out comes to new. Will you ever look back? No. I have changed. Thrice my heart has been broken. All by artificial brothers. By my brothers and their need for sex, fame, acceptance and liquor. The scars are deeper, darker then ever. Life should be lived defensively, this I have learned.
Forgive one, but not the other. Can we still be friends? Of course. But I see you are not as pure as you present yourself to be. You are dark and cold. I thought I could give you light and warmth. You did not want my help.
Three broken hearts, and a couple more before I am finally free.
The past is the past. Lets live now...
Friend vs. friend, I can see I am overreacting a tad. One left me, the other was just busy sharing his love.
An old friend visits, friendship, no shame in that.
The other: Leaving your loved ones for your own desires, thats called betrayal.
A friend is visiting. Hockey and fun. Understandable. What hurt was not the visiting friend, but another. The timing also was not in your favor.
"Plan on sight seeing and discovering a ghost city filled with curruption." Lies and betrayal. Afraid to tell me the truth? Was it sex? Was it fame? Money? It is something I obviously can't offer you. My love isn't enough. But I see through your lies. The first day of the month brings the day of deceit. Another lie to leave your friends? The holiday of jokes is one that is to important to miss I see. Even if your friend is dying. "Good friends" let others drown. I now know this.
Strange how time works. Strange how the stars are so disorganized perfectly. I polished my priorities and morals recently. I expressed them on a digital canvas. Time and fate were against me today, and showed me that my thoughts are weak. Loyalty is important to me, but not to this jester. Friends are in my heart, but with this fraud. Strange how my morals were rejected so fast by one I considered a best friend. Amazing how we differ so much. My time, energy, and life, were not enough to keep him dear. No worries, you are not the first to reject.
Anger: a powerful emotion.
Trust: difficult to breath life into, easy to kill.
Old memories. A digital journal. I just recently looked back. Our past, full of happiness and hope. I just read over a time where I wrote that I would give up anything just to have this friend near. How foolish of me. I wrote about how happy I was to be around him. How childish of me. Time, fate, memories, they all laugh at me. It angers me that I wasted that time. Time I spent feeding you, when I could have been feeding people who are actually important. More time wasted; Time and energy needed to mend a broken heart. Regret? Yes. I will use my journal to remind me that diamonds are not forever.
I've been fooled.
Thanks. Kind hearts do remain in a black world. Unexpected uplifting. Healing process hastened. But don't give yourself to much credit.
In goes the old, out comes to new. Will you ever look back? No. I have changed. Thrice my heart has been broken. All by artificial brothers. By my brothers and their need for sex, fame, acceptance and liquor. The scars are deeper, darker then ever. Life should be lived defensively, this I have learned.
Forgive one, but not the other. Can we still be friends? Of course. But I see you are not as pure as you present yourself to be. You are dark and cold. I thought I could give you light and warmth. You did not want my help.
Three broken hearts, and a couple more before I am finally free.
The past is the past. Lets live now...
Danny Rogers
So when I'm a computer lab in the basement of Coffman right now and when I got here I looked down to unzip my jacket and when I looked up I saw maybe about 8 faces looking at me and they all turned away quickly because they all got caught staring. It was kind of weird and I thought maybe my hair was messed up or maybe I had a poop stain on my coat or something. But nothing.
Last weekend I got to sit around and relax. I had time to myself and I got to do what ever I wanted. It might sound boring, but it was so refreshing. I didn't have to worry about other people and babysit them. I didn't have to organize events evreyone would think are fun, I didn't have to plan out where we were going to eat, I didn't have listen to ignorant bull shit. I sat in my room and I did homework, read books, played lots and lots of guitar, sat there listened to music and thought about life. When I wanted to interact with people, I just walked out and hung out with my little brother or went up stairs and chilled with my Mom. I'm going to need a few more of these weekends in the future. The weekend really went by to fast. I remember sitting in my room on Sunday asking myself when the hell it turned into Sunday. Saturday I was actually productive and did some homework. I took a nap and that took a bite out of the day, but I managed to chill with Andy and then later Benny came over. When Andy came over I installed Final Fantasy 7 onto my computer and we played that for a little while. Benny came over and we played some Melee. Its amazing what some time off of Melee does to you. Two weeks ago we maybe played like 2 hours of Melee and this past weekend we hadn't played at all. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. Its going to be interesting to see how sharp everyone is when we all come back and play. The playing grounds should be much more leveled. After we smashed for about an hour we went back to some Final Fantasy. The game has been awesome so far. Barret punched a guy in the face out of no where and Andy and I just died! Andy and Mitch left around 3 am. Sunday I woke and did nothing but homework until I had to go to Dean's. Then I just organized what homework I needed to do and just sat around. I wanted to do some HUB shopping but Dean is worried that there will be an FBI crackdown so I didn't. I tried to go to bed but everyone in the room was way to amped that night. One of Dean's roommates mummbles when he usually talks, but it is amazing how loud he is only when I attempt to sleep. I think he secretly hates me. And when I do fall asleep, someone starts yelling or kicks the couch I sleep on. I don't think I ever had a decent nights sleep there, but I can't complain, if it wasn't for that room I wouldn't even be able to attend school.
I have my little brothers name written in my blog notes, but I can't remember why I put it there. It just says Richard, I wish I would have written a sub-note. Something deep within makes me think that I wanted to write something really good about him.
Haha, nice, I just remembered! Amazing how just typing a few sentences triggered my memory. On Saturday or Friday, I don't remember, Dick went out to go watch a movie with his friends. He went with his friends and with out me. A part of me was proud because this means he is growing up and exploring the world with out me and exploring his life post-min. But at the same time, a part of me was sad, because I don't want him to leave, I don't plan on living post-richard, or him living post-min. I know that we will always be there for each other, but it still made me a little sad to see that this is just another person I might have to let go of someday. I hope he had fun though.
The other day I over heard a pitiful story. A girl (I won't mention any names) was telling someone a story about their weekend or a past weekend or whatever, doesn't matter. She said that she had gone out but was to tired to drink. But that all of her friends forced her to drink. The listener told her that it really isn't that hard to pass up booze and she replied that he was wrong, that it is near impossible to deny alcohol. I really thought peer pressure was more of a highschool thing but I guess not. And maybe I was stupid to think that. I am beginning to think that social conformity is something that lasts with us even through adulthood. Until we grow old and gray and finally realize that what society wants us to be doesn't matter. Adults still put in makeup before they go out into public. Why? Because they are afraid of what society will think of them. And why is alcohol so hard to decline? You even see adults pushing alcohol onto each other. If you were full and someone offered you another plate of food, you could easily deny that offer. But, when it comes to alcohol, and you don't want to drink or you are to drunk and someone offers you more, you can't deny. That doesn't make sense to me. Is it really that embarrassing to the people of our society to decline alcohol? Why are people who don't drink outcasts? A very strange concept to me.
The semester is coming to a close and I need to pick a major before I hit 60 credits. That gives me about a 6 week window I believe. I have a couple of ideas but I'm still not completely sure. I think over these next few weeks, a search for a passion is going to be really sensitive. Right now if I had to choose, I think I would pick Moral Philosophy. Kind of out there huh? I still need to research it but they said you could still be artistic with the major and still help people. I know I like art, and I know I want to use art to help people and help them feel things. I want to help people tap into the intangibles. Maybe Moral Philosophy could help me do that, we will see. The story of how I discovered the major is actually kind of cool. I was reading my eblogger comments and Ms. Anonymous left me a comment saying that I had good philosophy. I thought that, "wow, thats a cool word and a good way of putting it." Later that week, I went to a major fair and I saw a poster that said Philosophy in big bold letters. I had to check it out. If anyone has any info that could lead me to an awesome major, philosophy or anything else, please let me know. I need all the help I can get.
Lately I've been playing lots and lots of guitar. When I slept over Dean's dorm on Sunday, the thing I missed most was my guitar. I've been playing it so much that the skin on my fingers are beginning to peel. I still don't think I'm that good at it, but I've improved and I think I can use it to write some music. And right now, writing some music of my own seems fantastic. Writing music is such good therapy to me, and right now I could use some healing. I thought out a couple of original guitar parts that I still want to add more to, but I think they are a good start. I wish I had more music knowledge and more equipment and more skills, but I'll see where this takes me. When I say "takes me" I don't mean publicly or commercially, I mean whether it makes me happier or not. I probably will start a little project here soon. I was trying to think of a deep, dense and meaningful name for my project and I had Vince help me out the other day. He brought up some amazing words and with his help I think I have a good name. I don't want to unveil it right now, but maybe later if everything comes together right.
Recently I asked myself the question: "Do you like things over produced?" And I really don't know. I appreciate things that are well thought out and very polished, but I don't want it to be mechanical. I think there are a lot of things out there that I like over produced, but I'm not sure yet. I know I don't like one thing over produced, and thats a hair style. I like fancy and original hair, but I don't like the preppy wet gel look. I think I need to invest in hair spray and not gel. Does hair spray still hurt the o-zone?
Last weekend I got to sit around and relax. I had time to myself and I got to do what ever I wanted. It might sound boring, but it was so refreshing. I didn't have to worry about other people and babysit them. I didn't have to organize events evreyone would think are fun, I didn't have to plan out where we were going to eat, I didn't have listen to ignorant bull shit. I sat in my room and I did homework, read books, played lots and lots of guitar, sat there listened to music and thought about life. When I wanted to interact with people, I just walked out and hung out with my little brother or went up stairs and chilled with my Mom. I'm going to need a few more of these weekends in the future. The weekend really went by to fast. I remember sitting in my room on Sunday asking myself when the hell it turned into Sunday. Saturday I was actually productive and did some homework. I took a nap and that took a bite out of the day, but I managed to chill with Andy and then later Benny came over. When Andy came over I installed Final Fantasy 7 onto my computer and we played that for a little while. Benny came over and we played some Melee. Its amazing what some time off of Melee does to you. Two weeks ago we maybe played like 2 hours of Melee and this past weekend we hadn't played at all. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. Its going to be interesting to see how sharp everyone is when we all come back and play. The playing grounds should be much more leveled. After we smashed for about an hour we went back to some Final Fantasy. The game has been awesome so far. Barret punched a guy in the face out of no where and Andy and I just died! Andy and Mitch left around 3 am. Sunday I woke and did nothing but homework until I had to go to Dean's. Then I just organized what homework I needed to do and just sat around. I wanted to do some HUB shopping but Dean is worried that there will be an FBI crackdown so I didn't. I tried to go to bed but everyone in the room was way to amped that night. One of Dean's roommates mummbles when he usually talks, but it is amazing how loud he is only when I attempt to sleep. I think he secretly hates me. And when I do fall asleep, someone starts yelling or kicks the couch I sleep on. I don't think I ever had a decent nights sleep there, but I can't complain, if it wasn't for that room I wouldn't even be able to attend school.
I have my little brothers name written in my blog notes, but I can't remember why I put it there. It just says Richard, I wish I would have written a sub-note. Something deep within makes me think that I wanted to write something really good about him.
Haha, nice, I just remembered! Amazing how just typing a few sentences triggered my memory. On Saturday or Friday, I don't remember, Dick went out to go watch a movie with his friends. He went with his friends and with out me. A part of me was proud because this means he is growing up and exploring the world with out me and exploring his life post-min. But at the same time, a part of me was sad, because I don't want him to leave, I don't plan on living post-richard, or him living post-min. I know that we will always be there for each other, but it still made me a little sad to see that this is just another person I might have to let go of someday. I hope he had fun though.
The other day I over heard a pitiful story. A girl (I won't mention any names) was telling someone a story about their weekend or a past weekend or whatever, doesn't matter. She said that she had gone out but was to tired to drink. But that all of her friends forced her to drink. The listener told her that it really isn't that hard to pass up booze and she replied that he was wrong, that it is near impossible to deny alcohol. I really thought peer pressure was more of a highschool thing but I guess not. And maybe I was stupid to think that. I am beginning to think that social conformity is something that lasts with us even through adulthood. Until we grow old and gray and finally realize that what society wants us to be doesn't matter. Adults still put in makeup before they go out into public. Why? Because they are afraid of what society will think of them. And why is alcohol so hard to decline? You even see adults pushing alcohol onto each other. If you were full and someone offered you another plate of food, you could easily deny that offer. But, when it comes to alcohol, and you don't want to drink or you are to drunk and someone offers you more, you can't deny. That doesn't make sense to me. Is it really that embarrassing to the people of our society to decline alcohol? Why are people who don't drink outcasts? A very strange concept to me.
The semester is coming to a close and I need to pick a major before I hit 60 credits. That gives me about a 6 week window I believe. I have a couple of ideas but I'm still not completely sure. I think over these next few weeks, a search for a passion is going to be really sensitive. Right now if I had to choose, I think I would pick Moral Philosophy. Kind of out there huh? I still need to research it but they said you could still be artistic with the major and still help people. I know I like art, and I know I want to use art to help people and help them feel things. I want to help people tap into the intangibles. Maybe Moral Philosophy could help me do that, we will see. The story of how I discovered the major is actually kind of cool. I was reading my eblogger comments and Ms. Anonymous left me a comment saying that I had good philosophy. I thought that, "wow, thats a cool word and a good way of putting it." Later that week, I went to a major fair and I saw a poster that said Philosophy in big bold letters. I had to check it out. If anyone has any info that could lead me to an awesome major, philosophy or anything else, please let me know. I need all the help I can get.
Lately I've been playing lots and lots of guitar. When I slept over Dean's dorm on Sunday, the thing I missed most was my guitar. I've been playing it so much that the skin on my fingers are beginning to peel. I still don't think I'm that good at it, but I've improved and I think I can use it to write some music. And right now, writing some music of my own seems fantastic. Writing music is such good therapy to me, and right now I could use some healing. I thought out a couple of original guitar parts that I still want to add more to, but I think they are a good start. I wish I had more music knowledge and more equipment and more skills, but I'll see where this takes me. When I say "takes me" I don't mean publicly or commercially, I mean whether it makes me happier or not. I probably will start a little project here soon. I was trying to think of a deep, dense and meaningful name for my project and I had Vince help me out the other day. He brought up some amazing words and with his help I think I have a good name. I don't want to unveil it right now, but maybe later if everything comes together right.
Recently I asked myself the question: "Do you like things over produced?" And I really don't know. I appreciate things that are well thought out and very polished, but I don't want it to be mechanical. I think there are a lot of things out there that I like over produced, but I'm not sure yet. I know I don't like one thing over produced, and thats a hair style. I like fancy and original hair, but I don't like the preppy wet gel look. I think I need to invest in hair spray and not gel. Does hair spray still hurt the o-zone?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)