Honestly (Q.U.P)

Dont you just get confused sometimes at what life throws at you?

I've been going through some rough times, and I've been thinking ALOT. Sometimes about major things, and sometimes about stupid little things. Alot of my talking to myself has been about friends.

You think they are on your side one moment, and then the next you think they are some spy. I can honestly and humbly say that I am one of the most honest, loyal, kind, ect people you will ever meet. I am genuine and sincere. Everyday of my life, ever since I was little. I like to think I am good with people.

...Or at least I was. I have this picture in my room from about 3-4 years ago and my group of "close" friends was about 15 people large. I always considered them close. What really sucks is, even though I feel that way, they don't. My group of close friends and people I can trust is now down to about 5. If even that. I've been trying to be more honest and my open about life with those "close" friends. Maybe some of them just dont expect it from me. I don't think I show signs of "faking" it or send mixed messages. But every time I try and be honest, I get shot down. It pisses me the fuck off. What are friends really for then? All my life I have been actions tell who you are, be humble, yet honest. I just figured if I want to be more open with my life and not keep shit bottled up, "close" friends are the ones to open it all up to. But lately, when I speak openly, they reject me like I' m being cocky or hypocritical. I say fuck them. Some friends I have huh? Lately, I've needed people to talk to more then ever...and I've cut the number of people I can trust to about 3.5 or so. Weird number huh?

I know I can talk to my Sister about anything. She is growing up real fast and she is understanding life much more now. She is in some goofy ass phase that I was also once in so I am not that worried (although, her friends are my age and they are still on that phase...so makes me a little worried). I've been able to go to her about anything. My brother is probably my best friend. He is still a little to young and spoiled to bring lifes hardships on. My Mom is also there always. She is someone who can guide me through anything. Then I have one friend that I can kind of go to. He is sometimes very ignorant about things. I guess you could call him very "white." His parents also seem like great people. He kind of has the mind of an 8 year old though. But I trust him with many things. But even lately, he has been influenced by others...and I feel like I am losing my trust in him. Lately, I have been hanging out with a friend I used to hang out in the past. We have been clicking and bonding as of late. I used to think he was a little over the top, but I have been keeping him in my inner circle more then my other "Close" friends. There probably are like 4 other guys out there that people would assume are my "close" friends. But ya know what, I can say FUCK them to about 2 of them. Its not that I hate them...but it really seems like the flame has burned out...and ya know what, I don't feel like its my fault at all. Their love for me faded, and therefore my love for them was affected. If they want to try and fix it...let them. But I see my life going away from them. One of the 4 guys is just to ignorant. He doesnt see alot of things. I know he has alot of passion and love for me...but sometimes, I just cant stand him. The 4th of the 4 I just dont know about. Couple of years ago, I would have considered him my best friend. Lately, he seems sick of me. I dont even try to bring up deeper things...just light casual things and he still tries to oppose them. He is becoming alot like my "3rd" friend.

What used to be a pool of friends is no more.

This on top of many other things...just makes times so trying.

(Tuesday, October 10, 2006)