You're Coming For Me This Time

I've decided for the next few years, I am looking forward to fucking up. I'm hoping that I fuck up in ways that I can learn things that will make the next 50 years of my life better, but won't set me too far back. I looked hard at my life for the last few weeks, and I learned that I put too much pressure on myself. I'm trying to make every step a perfect one, but I think there really isn't formula for a perfect life. It's what you make it, and if you're happy, that's what matters. Fuck everything else. So, I told myself I'm going to use the next few years and just make mistakes. I'm someone who has to keep things organized and plan for the future. However, I'm at a place where there are so many options and I just don't know what's out there or what I want. I just got to keep searching. I can't get complacent, but I should move at the pace the world allows me to move at. Take it as it comes, roll with the punches, and keep my mind clear and my eyes open. As long as I am looking and keeping my heart open, I hope the pieces fall into place. It seems like a lot of people my age are really worried about their future. That's okay, we should be. We'd be strange if we weren't. We are coming out of college and we don't know which path to take. I guess at this point in my thinking, I'm just saying, "pick one."

Well, it looks like my dumb ass is headed back to Korea. I feel stupid for doing it. I'm not looking forward to re-immersing myself into that shitty fucking country with their shitty fucking culture and their shitty fucking people. Even the common people are capitalistic and materialistic as can be. I've heard a lot of people say this about Korean people, but I never believed them. "My family isn't that way," I always thought. That is until I lived there for 3 months. If you know a Korean person and they tell you Korean people are, "way cool," they are fucking lying. Dirty fucking people they are. I think it would be safe to assume that all Asian people and cultures are. However, to be fair and objective (because I am expressing some bitterness above. All true statements, but I could have worded things a bit more "delicately"), I think I believe in equality too much. Asian cultures are not based off of equality. It's all about seniority, status, power, wealth, and position. If you have things and a big dick, you're the man. No exaggeration on the portion about phallus as women are second grade citizens in Korea. I always made sure to help my female co-workers clean during my time there.
But, all that negative stuff is part of the reason I feel like I need to go back. How could a society be so far behind? Well, the answer is pretty simple. They haven't been an independent country for that long and it's going take them a while to catch up and filter out all the years they've been oppressed and under war. One of the biggest hurdles Koreans need to get over is their arrogance. They actually think they are the second strongest nation after the United States. They will suck off the States like the world is going to end, but after that, they expect to be sucked off by the remaining counties of the world. Until the people of Korea can get over themselves, they will lag behind. My aunt and uncle in Korea believe that Korea has some of the best architecture in the world. That's dumb. One of my old bosses would have these hourly chats with me about how great the Korean economy is. Although they did have a growing quarter, Korea wasn't even mentioned when these reports about the biggest economies were released. China was the star of the articles I read, but in the few articles I read, no one even mentioned Korea. So, when it comes to the global scale, Korea must hush up about that as well. And while China is mentioned, fuck a China too.
However, the main reason I am going back is because of the students. It all comes back to this one student I met during my last few days in Korea. To me, she seemed like a brilliant and vibrant student asking wonderful questions and always maintaining a positive attitude. However, her teachers told me that she was actually considered a lower level students because she didn't fit into some sort of shitty "formula." I feel awful when I think about how trapped students like her are. She will never get the same opportunities that I had in America. If only she had an equal opportunity to express herself. So, I'm not going back for me, for family, for money, but I am going back to help the students. I don't know if I will be of any help to them or if I can unlock their futures, but I got to try. I only hope that this time, I will be given a chance. A part of me says, "let 'em rot in their own shit," but I've never been someone who has been able to abandon people I can help. I don't think I can live with the guilt knowing that I could have helped, but I chose not to.
So, I'm hoping for the best. I'm hoping I make it out of that shitty country, with its shitty culture, shitty people, and shitty air quality a better person.
And if I don't and I've made a major mistake, good. I'm looking forward to these mistakes.