Zombie Dream Chapter 6

I wake up and it feels really late but I can't tell since there isn't any sun and its raining outside. I had a nightmare. I get up really slow and I feel really groggy and I've got a slight headache and I'm kind of grumpy. I look around and no one is in the dark room and for some reason it scares me. I throw on a light coat and some sweatpants and I step out into the rain and speed walk to the next room. I see everyone having brunch again in the same spots minus the Christensons and the Johnsons replaced by some of the Bloomington boys. As I walk in Dawson makes a sassy comment about my morning hair that sounds a lot like Jon's comment the day before and I flick him off like I did Jon. I sit in the same chair and I open up a bottle of water. I see that everything is happening the same as it did yesterday and it kind of worries me. I leave the table early and I check the next room. Pretty much the same thing minus the hair jokes. After I get cleaned up we sit around for a little and then the time for Ben's group to leave comes. I tell him that its raining and that it might be smart to stay another night. He turns to Jeff and asks him what he thinks. Jeff says in his loud voice, "Nah, we'll be cool, nothing can touch us. You should really think about dipping out soon Min, its not safe!" I tell him, "Ya, thanks" but inside my head I think, "Thanks you fuck head. I think I can take care of myself," and I don't know why I think such angry words. They pack all their stuff and we all say our last goodbyes. Ben and I hug and I watch him jump into his car. I stay outside in the rain and I watch the cars shrink smaller and smaller until they become a part of the horizon. For some reason I knew that would be last time I would see Ben and it makes me extremely sad, but for some reason I can't cry. I hear a knock on one of the windows and I see the curtains flip and its Jon and Amanda waving me inside. I nod my head in walk in and they give me a towel to dry myself. While I'm drying my hair Jon asks, "Dude, were you crying out there you fag?" jokingly knowing that I didn't cry and that I'm just wet from the rain and it cheers me up a lot. Amanda pats me on the shoulder and gives me a "cheer up" smile and it cheers me up even more. We have a huge group dinner that night with everyone and we plan out what our next move is going to be. We all agree that tomorrow we will set out early and finish our journey to Canada. That night Jon, Mitch, Dawson, Dean and I think it would be fun if we all shared a room together so we grab a couple of sleeping bags and decide to share a room. While we are goofing off in the room we hear some cars pull into the lot. I look out the window and I think to myself this is getting annoying. I run out and introduce myself and tell the new comers that there are plenty of safe rooms here. I don't make an effort to get to know the new people but after I meet all of them I just run back into our new room. Dawson asks me what the new people are like and I just tell him they seem nice. We play our music really loud and we just goof off for most of the night. It gets late and we turn the music off so everyone else in the motel can get some sleep. We all get cleaned up and we plan to get to sleep early as well. We sit around chatting when we hear a knock on the door. Everyone looks at each other and we give each other this "you go get it look." Jon finally offers to go get it and as he penguin waddles his way to the door he mumbles something to us. He looks through the eye hole and with excitement lets us know its Amanda. He opens the door and lets her in. She says hi and she brushes the rain off of her shoulders and takes a seat. We ask her whats up and she says that she was bored and that she wanted to see what was going on in the cool guys room. Dawson and Mitch both talk over each other and they say something macho. I tell her that we should have invited her to hang out with us and that I'm sorry for being so inconsiderate. She laughs and says that its okay. I tell her that next time she should just call so we could escort her over instead of her walking alone. She tells us that her Dad watched her as she came. We all chat for a long time about random things then Amanda catches the time and says that she better get back so she can get some sleep since we need to start early tomorrow. She looks over at me and asks me if I would like to escort her back to her room and I tell her nah jokingly. As I get up I tell her that she could just sleep over in our room. She asks if I am being serious and I tell her yes. She speaks with excitement and runs over to the corner of the room to grab a sleeping bag. I ask her what she is doing? She says that she is setting up a sleeping bad kind of confused and worried and I tell her that she isn't sleeping on the floor and that she is taking my bed for the night. She says that she doesn't want to take my bed and I tell her I insist. After a couple minutes of friendly arguing I gently push her onto the bed and she gives in. I tell her that it is fine and she smiles and thanks me. We all crawl into our beds or sleeping bags and there is a second of silence then we all start talking again. I zip my sleeping bag even though I know I'm going to get way to hot in it. In the middle of the conversation Amanda says that someone else should share the bed with her since Jon and Dean are sharing one bed comfortably. No one says anything for a second then Amanda says, "Don't feel bad because I'm a girl." Mitch pops up and says, "fine I'll take it" in a reluctant tone then looks at Dawson who is closest to him then turns to me with a grin. Mitch jumps under the covers and I feel kind of bad for Amanda. Dawson says, "Don't be afraid to get frisky Mitch" and makes it kind of awkward. Dean and Jon pretend to spoon and it breaks the silence. We all chat for a little more and slowly one by one everyone falls asleep.

Nicole Simpson

Pop (Soda) is bad for you. Over the past week or two I've had more pop then I usually have had. I tried limiting my pop consumption, but for some reason I was around a lot of pop these past two weeks. Now that I am around bottled water again, I feel this addiction to pop. Nothing I can't handle but its weird because after you drink a lot of pop, its all you want to drink. And after you don't drink pop for a long time and then you start drinking a bunch of it again, you feel what it does to your body and it doesn't feel good. I felt sick and heavy. Before I hadn't even noticed this, but I guess you just have to pay more attention to the little things in life. This probably happens with a lot of things we put in our bodies, but we just don't know it since we are so used to it.

Lately I've found the human embrace and kiss to be fascinating. When ever people are sad, they often search for a hug like it is going to make things better. It doesn't, but for that little amount of time, you feel better like the person you are hugging cares and like you can share you pain with him/her. I noticed I don't hug a lot of people and that maybe its a bad thing. I'm to scared that I will offend someone sexually so I don't usually engage in hugs unless it is offered. Maybe I should be more of a leader and offer hugs. I once read an article that said that when humans kiss, a healthy chemical is released that makes us feel better. Is this true? I couldn't tell you because I don't think kissed someone since like the 3rd grade. Maybe this is why I often feel alone? I don't think it is, but who knows. I thought of it because I've seen a lot of people hugging recently.

So I broke my silence with this one guy via Facebook. Only one of like three people I can say I really hate. I don't know why I did it either, I guess I was in one of my "love people" moods. I felt like I had to forgive him, that it was so long ago that it would be childish of me to keep the beef. Well, call me childish, but I have to much pride to just submit. I know we fought over a stupid thing, but I feel like I did nothing wrong and for him to accuse me and do the things he did to me is fucked up. And the thing is, I did nothing to him. Its like if someone killed someone you loved, and the court couldn't accuse the person so he got away free. This guy did all the wrong and now he walks with no weight on his shoulder just because I was nice enough not to ruin his image. Its my fault that I was nice enough to do that, and its my fault my pride won't let me ever show any kindness towards him. He sent me a friend request asking if my friends and I wanted to play Halo this summer, I responded to his message but I declined his request. I guess I thought I'd just let him know I'm still alive but also let him know that he could fuck him self and his one eyed girlfriend bitch whore. Tee hee!

I have in my blog notes to talk about Western Medicine again but I don't remember exactly what about. I know I thought of something to say while I was watching Babel, but I forget. How do we really know western medicine is the best? I guess I'm still alive so I have to believe it a little, but still, sometimes I wonder. It seems to be the worlds standard, but just because its mainstream doesn't make it right. Ah well, this is just something I can accept, but I'll still keep one eye open.

So someone commented my blog about my experience with the two Christians last week and he basically wrote everything they told me. Its nice to see that they are all on the same page. This is something I hate about Christians is that they are so forceful. Why don't they just give you the tools and let you do what you want with them. They keep telling me about lust too. That if you look at someone sexually that I've raped that person in my mind and committed adultery. Adultery against who? The next person I am about to rape with my mind? And let me tell you I'm a guy, I have a penis and I have testosterone, I have raped a lot of women...with my mind, I don't want to get into trouble for writing that. I say that, but I bet women are just as horny as guys. Everyone time Christians approach me the more I think religion and church is a scam. They use desperation and hope to suck you into their trap. The church uses your confusion and sucks money right out of your pockets. The catholic church is the smartest because they don't fuck around, they go out and gank everyones money. Non of this soft core Christian bullshit. If people weren't so scared and so curious and so desperate, non of this would be a problem. The same goes with science to. Our curiosity leads us to good things, but a bunch of awful things. Maybe we believe in western medicine because we have to?

Lately I've been checking out a lot of new music. Because I want to and kind of because I have to. Many reasons why I have to. A lot of the bands I grew up with have reached their peak, they aren't going to grow anymore. I think the journey you take with bands as they grow in popularity and musically is just part of the experience. It's fun to me to watch something I enjoy grow. Another reason is that a lot of old bands are breaking up and I need new bands to fill the empty slots. Another reason is that since all my favorite bands have grown so much and are pretty popular now, they don't play with each other since they are all headliners. Why the Taking Back Sunday, Underoath, Armor for Sleep concert was soooooo amazing. I knew headliners and openers but recently I've had to research openers before shows. The last reason being is because I love music, who the hell doesn't want to hear good music. I stopped searching for new music a while back because the scene got to clustered. To many little bands came out and tried to copy sounds instead of creating their own and it made it way to messy. I didn't want to have to sort through that mess. It seems like it has died off a little. The timing is also perfect. With most of the tours done and only Warped Tour coming up, it gives me about a whole year to discover new bands. Warped Tour is always dedicated to the top bands so I don't ever need to preview, just review. But after Warped I should know a bunch of upcoming bands for next fall and winter, so I will have a good balance of up and coming and veterans. It just seems like a good time to discover. Its really hard to find these new bands though. I have a list of bands I need to check out, but the HUB isn't always the best place for deep underground music. Some of these bands don't even have purevolume accounts and for some reason MySpace downloads don't always work. I guess I just wait for the bands to get a little more popular and then snag it off the HUB. Or maybe I might have to buy some CDS!? yuck! I did manage to scoop some off them HUB and I was going through them while mixing in The Format since I was suppose to see them yesterday (Wednesday) but things didn't work out. I got stuck on this little band called Escape the Fate. Pretty sweet stuff. A blend of From First to Last, The Used, From Autumn to Ashes and Atreyu.

One last thing before I close this blog. Lately I see I get lied to a lot. When you view the world as a pure and kind place, lies just go through you. You accept peoples lies and think that they are telling the truth. But when you look at the world as bad place and you think people are corrupt and little fucks, you catch lies. My sister always lies, and I don't know why I don't confront her about her lies. I think probably all of my friends lie to me, but recently I've caught a bunch of them lying. One of my friends always lies to make himself look better then he really is. He hides his poor qualities and boasts what little good qualities he has. I caught one of his lies because I heard something from someone else he hangs out with and then when I talked to him he gave me a different story. I also didn't confront him. And now my friends are also hanging out with each other outside of the big group, so they probably can plan things out against me too. It is going to get harder and harder to tell real from fake. Why does it have to be like this?

Jenny Kallas

For some weird reason I have been struggling to make it through this school week. Usually this semester the weeks have gone by real fast, but this week has been slow as fuck.

Start this blog of with a couple of random questions. Are there gay animals? It seems like the question of whether homosexuality is right or wrong has come up a lot in my life lately. I could case less if someone wants to fuck a guy in the ass, I know my preference and thats what matter to me. But are there gay animals? No doubt humans are sexual creatures, but animals can be to so I wonder if its more instincts or if it's something society puts into our minds? Here is another question, if there is a after life, or you could think after you died, what do you think you would remember more -- The last good thing you did before you died? Or the last bad thing? I personally think bad.

I've been staying over Dean's place a lot lately and I've realized that people might be more diverse than I originally thought. I respect all the people that chill in Dean's room, but to me, they are kind of strange. Strange only in the sense that I've never encountered people like them, but they seem like semi-good people from what I've seen so far. This past Tuesday or maybe Sunday (who cares) two of Dean's friends were in the middle of what seemed like a heated argument but they were so calm and friendly about it. One would be like, "why are you being stupid?" then walk away and then come right back like 10 seconds later and ask the other person if they wanted to study. Then they would walk off together, then come back in and argue then leave together. I just know when I argue, I scream, yell, swear, I walk away and I think to myself, "fuck that person, I'll fucking kill him/her." Its a good thing I don't get into many heated arguments. So its kind of like what do you prefer: having one huge, everything boils over argument or having a bunch of little fights but always fighting? Another thing that fascinates me are the girls Dean hangs out with. Now I haven't known them that long, and I'm not around them that much, but from what I've seen, they are like human shells. Some of their qualities I envy. They seem so careless about everything and free. Nothing seems to register in them, they are free to speak their minds, they aren't politically correct or kind with words. I guess they would be what people stereotype as our average "California Barbie blond." I've never experienced such an extreme case of this stereotype though. I always told myself I would never date a girl like that, and after this, I still tell myself that. I just don't think I could be around a shell of a person for that long. I like having intelligent conversations. It's not a bad thing, I just think that its cool that there are so many different people around me and I just haven't noticed. Member my blog about how I need to show up for my life and I need to pay more attention?

Before I left for Chicago I watched The Departed and when I slept over at Dean's we tried to watch it but the people in the room were so oblivious it made it to hard. I hate it when people are like, "YA! That would be fun!" and then when you get there they go do other things. Anywho, its a sweet movie. Leonardo DiCaprio is a sweet actor. I never knew this because I always got the impression that he was in movies because of his looks. I read an article a long time ago that talked about how he was a bad actor and on top of that I've never really watched any of his movies. Leonardo DiCaprio is sweet and so is Mark Whalberg! "Feel the vibration!"

I recently denied a couple of friends about some serious things. It might haven been the first time I denied friends on something important and it felt kind of good. That sounds horrible, but usually I am willing to sacrifice a lot of things to make my friends feel good, and for once to do something that made me happy felt weird. I still feel bad that I had to do it, but there are a lot of mixed emotions. In psychology I learned about the "foot in the door" theory. That once someone takes the first step towards something, the rest becomes easy. They said once someone tries cigarettes and tries alcohol, that it makes it easier to try other drugs. Same goes for something you are scared of trying, once you try it a little, it makes it easier to dive in fully. I'm worried that I got my foot in door and now I will deny people left and right. I don't plan in making it a habit but it feels good.
I think I have a problem. I think my problem is that I try to be to perfect and I expect other people to try and be perfect. I think thats why I am beginning to hate people, but maybe it isn't their fault. I read in a Christian book that perfectionism is a sin, that no one should try to be perfect because its an impossible task. My whole life I've tried to be perfect. I try and make everyone around me happy and I try to make them feel comfortable. What if I let my defense down a little and let things hit me? I'm so careful not to offend people and to respect everything around me like it were the last thing on earth. Lately, I thought about just being impulsive. I think it would feel good not to ever give a shit and do what ever I fucking wanted. If I see a flock of hot bitches, well walk up to them and ask them whats up. If someone says something that bothers me, tell them to shut the fuck up (actually no, I know a lot of people that talk out of their asses and if I had to correct people on everything, I'd lose my voice). If someone bothers me or touches me, well fucking punch them in the face. I am to scared to try my "missing senses" test, but maybe I will test my self and be impulsive for a week. I will try and view people as creatures that will never be perfect and I will stop trying to be perfect myself. I will stop worrying about other people so much, and start worrying about me a little more.
Every time I think people around me are starting to treat me better, something always happens and knocks over all the blocks I've just been building over. I told myself maybe about a month ago that people are evil, don't treat them with respect because you will never get any. Basically I told myself it was a cut throat world and I need to sharpen my knife. But slowly that attitude died. I think I was born a nice person and it's just my makeup. I can't change it. Maybe some people were just born shitty people and they can't help that. Slowly my hate started changing back into love. I can't help it, I just want to help people. Then something always happens, usually a friend does something that ticks me off, that I would never do to them. And I start hating people knowing that soon I will love people. I can't win and it feels like I confuse myself. No one is doing this to me, I am doing it to myself. I know I am better then a lot of people in this world, I know if I challenge myself, I can do anything I want, but it is so hard to fight myself. How can I beat myself? Maybe I need to study more meditation.
Meditation has helped me so much. During our trip to Chicago I had a headache. I thought about it and told me self this pain is only my state of mind and that if I made it go away it would go away. I closed my eyes, turned on some music and I told my self to focus for a little while and force the pain away. Then I told myself to forget about it an not to think about for a long time. I did that and maybe 40 minutes later I caught myself and I thought about my headache and it was gone! I do this when I'm stressed out, I take some time and I breath and I listen to music and tell myself if I don't want to feel pain and that I don't have to. Some battles are larger and harder to over come, like some of my recent struggles. But meditation does amazing things I think. It's hard to get any sleep at Dean's because the people there are so loud, but recently I put myself to the test and I told myself, try to cut the noise out and it worked. I focused hard on the sounds for a couple of minutes and slowly one by one I eliminated each noise and then I told my self to think of something completely different. It worked. The next thing I remember is waking up to the sound of my alarm. Really crazy stuff. Makes me wonder if I study myself more, can I actually bend spoons with my mind? Could I toss cars with my energy? What if this stuff is actually possible but we as people have lost touch with our inner being and lost these abilities? Crazy stuff.
Maybe I'm just crazy. Tee hee!