Simple Paradox

I'm the piano that doesn't produce a note.
I'm the writer without a thought.
I'm the mother that can't nourish.
I'm the heart that rejects blood.

I remind myself that world still spins without you.
That I was alright before I knew you existed.
I wish you could feel an ounce of what I was feeling.
I remind myself that the world still spins without you.

I'm the planet without life.
I'm the novel without any words.
I'm the artist that can't express.
I'm the lung that rejects oxygen.

I'm an open book.
Open me up and understand my insides.
He will never love you like I do.
What good am I without you in my arms?

Powerless. Do As You Will.

The way your cold, long hands feel on my cheek.
The way my senses heighten as you slide across my skin.
A permanent high I can't let go.
If I can only express how much I love you with my embrace.
I would hold you forever.

Now I'm broken and I can't find any beauty in this world.
You tell me that look I saw in your eyes was never there.
I refuse that believe that I was the only one.
I know you were there with me, but you're afraid.
Afraid of what could happen, afraid of my promise.

I don't know where to go from here.
You've hopped ships with your vision on the horizon.
I won't lie to you because I don't plan to start now.
I'm destroyed and I'd be willing to do anything.
But you would never understand.
You're going to throw me away.

Really, I Just Want You To Be Happy. Really.

I'm losing it.
You're the last thing I see before bed.
And the first thing when I wake.
I'm glad you're doing so well without me.

Not even a thought of me.
Not even look back.
You're doing so well.
And I'm stuck here.

Don't let me get close.
'Cause I'll take this feeling to your heart.
But I won't take it like you took mine.
With hopes that you that if you remain intact, you feel double what I did.

To find my way out of this hole you put me in.
I'm back and aware.
That love is such an imaginary idea.
And you think you have it.

Really, I just want you to be happy.
Good luck, but know this my love.
He can't treat you the way I can.
Because I love you.

Let Us Trade

I think I injured my finger the other day at Lifetime during basketball. It could be that I injured it while I was lifting, but that seems unlikely. I can't pinpoint the exact moment of injury which also leads me to believe it was when I was playing basketball. I'm a pretty competitive person, so I feel like I might have injured it and was oblivious of it because of the moment. Heal up poor finger. I need you.

I've just been living through a brutal 2010. I can't say it's been my finest half year of life. I think hitting this slippery patch of life has really "distracted" me from who I really am. I was reminded a little bit today of who I was about a year ago. I was hoping that when I got out of school, that I could use the power of critical and free thought to help others, to pass an idea on or just motivate someone in a way where they could do beautiful things. I've learned that this is a very messy and dirty world filled with dirty people. We could all do a little extra. I like to think I'm a fairly genuine person. What you see is what you get. I don't have to masquerade around and pretend like I'm a people person and try to trick people into things. I like to help people because it matters to me. I think that's part of the reason I make an awful business person. Capitalism is not my strongest attribute. I remember being extremely excited before I went to Korea because I would have a platform to be able to help children out. Children are a much tougher audience I've learned. That, and Asian countries very much need to be taught how to think outside the box and the power of critical thought. Don't believe the stereotypes. Yes Asians are good at math and science, but they aren't actually that smart. I hope after I gather myself, I can get back on track and focus on helping others.

Another aspect I think I've become very skeptical about is "trust." After you get pounded with lies and lies and lies, it takes a toll. Even when I got back home, things had changed so much I didn't know where to go. All my friends had dispersed, and even when we did get together, it never felt the same. Things are always moving and people change and adapt. I have changed and the people around me have changed. I'm someone who always tries to hold onto things. I've never been good at goodbyes and letting go. It seems like I've been doing so much of that lately, and it's probably a good thing. It seems I have hit a turning point in life, where I just need to start a new chapter. A clean start in some ways. I remembering writing a long time ago that I felt that one of the most important things we have are the bonds between human beings. I still believe it, but maybe I need to be a bit more independent. Love certainly needs to be a two way road. I guess I'm trying to teach myself that if other people don't want to hang on or are incompatible, there is nothing that I can do to hold on. I just need to forget and meet people that I can relate to. I have been meeting a lot of new people lately. I have enjoyed meeting all of them, but it always hits me a bit more when I meet someone I can really relate to. There aren't many people that really have the same outlook or philosophy that I do. I often tell myself that I wasn't meant for this time or world. It just seems like there aren't a lot of people I fully click with. These are the people I need to find. I had a dream a long time ago where I was hanging from a cliff. There were people that I knew and trusted above me and they knew I was hanging from the cliff. I wasn't worried because I knew they were going to come and rescue me so I waited patiently. Some time passed, and I managed to pull myself up. When I got up and dusted my self off, I saw that everyone had left. I remember feeling incredibly alone in the dream, and I think the dream was only echoing real subconscious fears. I feel like being a people person, that might be an insecurity I have. I can't be for certain, but it's a theory that I've been thinking about lately. When you're a kid, there isn't much getting in the way of relationships. If you like to play in the sand, we will get along. As we get older, there seems to be many reasons why you can't get along with someone. It's a complicated world we create for ourselves. I think that might be what I'm going through right now.

It's almost been two months back in America and I still don't feel like myself. I'd do anything to feel like myself again. Yes, time heals all, but I also want to get things rolling. I want to figure things out and see what is next for me.

Depth Of Field

On a cold February night, I was forced to adjust my focus.
In all black, you stood there face down.
Corners with their vignette, and optics rattled.
Up and down, going through the entire range.
We needed a panorama to capture it all.
I was only a boy, surrounded by the untouched.

Lost track of time.
Didn't remember the others joined.
The world seemed so quiet.
A blurry background and simple object at the forefront.
My eyes knew well.
My heart didn't.

The strike of an assassin.
Completely clueless.
You can have it.
Take it if you want.
It's not like I needed it.

Trading For A New Mask

Not much to update. I just felt like I should continue write.
Not much has been going on in my life as of late. I've just been keeping busy working temporary jobs here and there. The best thing to come out of all this free time is that I got to reconnect with some old friends and meet some really cool new people. 2010 has been a very crazy year for me so far. I learned there is a lot of evil out in the world, but once in a while you come across some form of love. It's important to recognize kindness when it is offered and put in an effort to hold onto it. I hope I've done more than my fair share of making this world a happier place. I have this desire inside to make everyone and everything around me happy and beautiful. I don't know quite how to accomplish this desire, but I hope that I have a positive influence on the world around me. I wish I had a set of well polished skills, or a platform to change things. I'm as boring and as normal as they come. I've also come to learn that I'm also slightly naive. People are not as they seem even if I want the world to be honest. I like to think I'm more passionate about things than the typical person. This double-edged sword has been used to benefit me, but at the same time it has hurt me.

I promised myself that I would put in some work trying to figure my life out this next week. A month of recovery seems ample. During these last two months, I learned that time heals all. It's a lesson well learned, but at the same time I feel like I am wasting time recovering. Why take the time to recover when I could be doing something? However, I fully understand this is a difficult world to live in, and I need to be at full strength to combat it.

I'm looking forward to the second half of 2010. It can't be any more painful than my first half.