Euthanasia (Q.U.P)

Go search that fucking word. Its a damn good word.

(I like writing here, cause I know no one looks at this fucking profile (You would have to be a fucking idiot). Writing about touchy, taboo, or embarrassing topics makes me feel better, but I don't like it when heavy traffic might flow through the blog, but I want a chance of some people seeing it. Maybe they feel they same way, maybe they don't but they like reading about how shitty someones life can be. My life isn't shitty, don't get me wrong, but there are things I think about, and it helps to write to myself a little bit).

Here, I'll do you a fucking favor:

When placing blame, I like to try and think of how both parties would view things, make sure I can see the whole picture before blaming a party. Much harder when you are a party. Anywho, lies aside, I'm right. I have no wrong. I played all my cards right. (But if all your lies were out the window, you would have nothing to hide and tell the whole story, but yet you don't). These past 2 years, I think I have lied to myself more then ever. So many people have changed, and I am so stupid, shitty, fucking dumb for tricking myself. I just want things to be the same, things to be back to what they were. I think I was truly happy 2 years ago. I got along with my parents (I finally understood them and loved them to the fullest), I had a close group of friends, I had a growing pair of siblings (And my sister wasn't a wacko like she is now, I hope she grows out of it), school was going well, life was well. The only thing missing in my life was my friend Dean. When summer came around this year, and we were all back from school and college, I had so many feelings. One day, while we were driving, a friend out of no where confronted me about one of these feelings. Somehow he had known. again, I lied. (Truthfully, I was fucking angry. Betrayal, lies, honor, friendship, hypocritical actions. (Fuck). He asked me how I felt, and I lied. Why didn't I just tell the truth. I am a fucking pussy thats why. But is that really what it is? All my life, I tried and present this perfect, all ways thought out, never makes a mistake man. (I don't know of this shit makes sense). I didnt want him to think I was weak I guess...but its really not just that. Its deeper I guess. So deep I cant even reach it and put it on paper. So I lied and told him things were the same when he was a fuck up. He, two weeks earlier made fun of someone and pretty much had a hand in changing someone elses life and then does the same thing. And guess what, his life didn't change, how come he gets away with it. And for that, I should kill myself. (You're perfect huh...). I pride myself in being fair...and I was totally unfair. I felt like because of this friend, I turned myself into a hypocrite, the worst thing on Earth. Then I did it again, if I lied to myself in the car, and I don't lie to myself with the friend my sister talked to...I am a hypocrite. Cause I lie and act like things are the same with one, and not with the other...why, they are doing the same thing (just breaking hearts). Therefore, I think I need to lie myself. Is it my fault? For being nice? For being fake? (Fuck). I feel bad for everything I've done when I think about things like this. I dont know...

Last week, I watched the movie Crash. And it blew me away. When I watched it, I saw people, good people, bad people. No matter how good you are and what you do, if whatever, god, time, fate doesn't go your way, you're fucked. Bad people sometimes have it better then good, and why the fuck is that?! Its not fair...why do we do this to ourselves...when I saw ourselves, I mean us as a people. We set up this system we call living. Its not living, I like to call it dying. Maybe fighting. We are seeing how long we can fight, how long we can die before we get sick of it. Lifes a crazy ride.





(FUCK!!!!!!!!!! IDK Why but half the blog got deleted. Maybe I'll fix it up someday...it was a good one. A deep, meaningful and a very close one. Took me two hours to write...so I cant do it now!!!! FUCKING GAY!!!!!!!!)

(Tuesday, August 29, 2006)