Depth Of Field

On a cold February night, I was forced to adjust my focus.
In all black, you stood there face down.
Corners with their vignette, and optics rattled.
Up and down, going through the entire range.
We needed a panorama to capture it all.
I was only a boy, surrounded by the untouched.

Lost track of time.
Didn't remember the others joined.
The world seemed so quiet.
A blurry background and simple object at the forefront.
My eyes knew well.
My heart didn't.

The strike of an assassin.
Completely clueless.
You can have it.
Take it if you want.
It's not like I needed it.

Trading For A New Mask

Not much to update. I just felt like I should continue write.
Not much has been going on in my life as of late. I've just been keeping busy working temporary jobs here and there. The best thing to come out of all this free time is that I got to reconnect with some old friends and meet some really cool new people. 2010 has been a very crazy year for me so far. I learned there is a lot of evil out in the world, but once in a while you come across some form of love. It's important to recognize kindness when it is offered and put in an effort to hold onto it. I hope I've done more than my fair share of making this world a happier place. I have this desire inside to make everyone and everything around me happy and beautiful. I don't know quite how to accomplish this desire, but I hope that I have a positive influence on the world around me. I wish I had a set of well polished skills, or a platform to change things. I'm as boring and as normal as they come. I've also come to learn that I'm also slightly naive. People are not as they seem even if I want the world to be honest. I like to think I'm more passionate about things than the typical person. This double-edged sword has been used to benefit me, but at the same time it has hurt me.

I promised myself that I would put in some work trying to figure my life out this next week. A month of recovery seems ample. During these last two months, I learned that time heals all. It's a lesson well learned, but at the same time I feel like I am wasting time recovering. Why take the time to recover when I could be doing something? However, I fully understand this is a difficult world to live in, and I need to be at full strength to combat it.

I'm looking forward to the second half of 2010. It can't be any more painful than my first half.

Let Go and Move On

It sure has been a while since I've written. Usually it's because I'm a lazy piece of shit and I always find a lame excuse to avoid writing. This time around I think I might have a legitimate reason. I just don't think I've been in any shape to write. Which is strange because in the past, whenever I feel bad or am under stress, I write. This is something I needed time to heal, and still need time to heal. The last 4 months or so of my life have been...well, I can't quite think of one word that'll sum it all up. It's been very much a learning experience, and a very difficult one. As I am still in the recovery phase, it's still difficult for me to sort out all my memories, feelings, pain, and experiences. I'm just hoping that I come out of this awful funk, and soon.

Here is one thing I've been thinking about a lot. This concept of "love." We all seek it, we all want it, and we are all a little bit scared of it. I think at this point in my life, I'm not sure what it is anymore. I know I need it, and I know I have so much of it to give. I think that's part of my problem. I care so much about people, and sometimes I think too much. I think the part I'm struggling with right now is that we can never beat love. Love always hurts. I know there will be people in my life that I will love forever. Take for example, my family. I know I will love them, and they will love me. However, even with them I will have to say goodbye someday. I've never been good at goodbyes. Never, ever. I think one test that Korea put me through, and is still putting me through, is letting go of things. It's going to sting like hell, but you have to move on. If things take its natural course, my mom and dad will die before me, and that is going to suck and tear me apart. However, I will need to learn how to get over it. I will have to say goodbye to love. So I've been thinking, we always take a shot on love, and I think we all know that we can't win. Why take that chance? You are going to get hurt. On the other hand, if we don't love, what else do we have? I keep thinking about that phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." I've been juggling it a bit, and I think who ever said that is correct. Love it what keeps me going. So does revenge, but revenge disappears with time. Love has longevity.

I guess a skill we all need to learn at one point is the ability to let go of love. It's a skill that I haven't had a chance to work on.

I feel like I'm almost back to normal. I feel like I just need one more thing to push be over the edge. If I knew what it was, I would seek it out, but I can't really pin-point it. I think I need to get out and meet people. Or at least just be around people. Sitting at home alone just allows me to think. I just sit around and reply situations in Korea and how I could've played them differently. You know, trying to change my past in my mind. It doesn't work, and it just hurts more. I thought when I got back, I was going to be able to lean on people, just for a little while. It turns out a lot has changed since I've been gone. My friends and I are growing up and our lives are all taking different turns. Now that I'm back, I look around and it turns out that I don't really have a lot of friends anymore. I don't really have a lot of people I can turn to. It's not anybody's fault, it's just that we are all growing up and we are all finding different interests and we all have different paths. My problem is I rely on other people too much. I'm starting to think that I'm the type of person who depends on other people and wants other people to depend on me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know if that's something I should change. My mom and dad have been on my case for a while to start chasing girls because soon I'm going to enter a phase in my life where that is very important. You don't just meet someone and they are perfect for you. It takes time. I'm starting to think they are right about this whole "girl" thing. Not because I'm the type of person who needs a girlfriend, but I just need that best friend. It just happens that our world works that way. I can't expect to live out my entire life with a best male friend. It might work for some, but as I am a heterosexual male, the world tells me I live out my life with a female partner in crime. Again, I don't know if any of my thoughts make any sense. I don't think I am in the state of mind to make sense these days. I'm just trying my best to stay afloat and put my life back together. However, if I am right about myself being a dependent/social person, then maybe that "girl route" is the way to go. I don't have any other way of playing the cards society deals me, correct? To have that one person you can always turn to and know they will be there your whole life. What a gift.

Again, don't listen to me right now. I'm crazy.
And please help me. I need it.

The Fourth Blog From Korea

I went to Seoul my first weekend in Korea because I needed to go up to receive training. The school tells me on Friday that I would be going up on either Sunday, or Monday (which ever day worked best for me). I met someone named Jay (co-worker) that Friday, and I told him my situation. I told him that the school was sending me up to Seoul without anything, and I had no idea how to get up there. Lucky for me, Jay was also to go up to Seoul that week for training. Jay is a Korea native, so a trip up to Seoul was nothing to him. If it weren’t for Jay, I would’ve never made it to Seoul. The school asked me if I could come in on that Saturday, but I told them that some family members were coming to visit me and that I would not be able to come in. They agreed that I could take the day off. I met up with my family on Saturday and went out to eat lunch with them. We picked up a few things for my apartment and went to go drop the goods off. On my door was a sticky note that requested that I come into the school as soon as I can. I figured that they needed some information or something so I told my family that I’d be back in about 10 minutes. My cousin came along with me to help me in case I couldn’t understand the request. When I got there, the school told me that I needed to come in for work. I was extremely upset because less than 12 hours ago, they agreed to give me the day off so I could meet up with my family. So, my family took a 4.5 hour journey from Daegu to Jeonju so they could eat lunch with me for 30 minutes, and now they would have to go back home. This is how Korean people bend you over, and repeatedly stick their cock in your ass. I finished work, and went home around 1am in a grumpy mood.
Jay and I agreed to head up to Seoul on Sunday so we wouldn’t have to wake up early as hell on Monday. We got to Seoul mid-afternoon, and just walked around to learn our surroundings. We found a cheap and comfortable hotel, and claimed our room for the night. Afterwards, Jay took me to Coex Mall and Lotte World where we went to a museum that was featuring the history of Korea. We did a bit more exploring and mapped out the bus and subway routes, then went back to the hotel. The hotel was very nice and I couldn’t believe that it would only cost us roughly $50 a night. That’s when Jay told me that the hotel has a “love hotel” reputation. What that means is that people come to the hotel, have sex for a few hours, and then return to normal human life. The hotel sure did have all the makings of a “love hotel.” A mirror ceiling, a class door into the bathroom, a large bathtub, a shower with glass doors, and all sorts of Asian porn. In fact, the computer had more pre-loaded porn that regular programming. The computer was linked to a big LCD TV so you could stream anything from the computer to the TV.
The next morning Jay and I headed out extra early to make a good first impression. During our checkout, we asked the workers at the hotel if we could reserve the same room for that night. They told us that we could, but that we would have to take all of our belongings with us. This would be very inconvenient as Jay and I packed enough stuff for a week in Seoul. However, we needed to save all the money we could, so we agreed to do so. The reason why we needed to move our belongings out was that people come in and check into rooms for a few hours (for some, a few minutes), and then leave. I didn’t know that mid-afternoon sex on a weekday was such good business. Training sucked ass as expected. The training was presented about 90% in Korean, so the information went in one ear, took a shit in my head, and then went out the other ear. During training week, I probably averaged about 5 hours of sleep. If we weren’t at the training center getting lectured, we were studying for the exams, or preparing for our demonstration classes. It was a brutal week that was no help at all to me.
I don’t remember much after that as it’s been almost two months. I just remember going into work, getting shit on and disrespected, going home and feeling like shit, coming in early the next day only to get shit and pissed on, going home to sleep, waking up, and doing it all over. Of course it’s not all bad as my co-workers have been a saving grace and kept me afloat when the times were tough. The weekends were our reserved time to unwind, bitch about JLS, and just let out some energy. I can’t say I’ve done much other than work and hang out with co-workers. Work is constantly changing and it’s impossible to find solid ground here. They want us to do one thing one day, and then it’s completely different the next day. I had numerous meetings with my director, and eventually the lack of communication between us forced Jay to step in and translate. By that time, so much damage had been done, it would be impossible to fix. We would just go along with this as long as it didn’t break. The school and I still haven’t found a level of comfort, but I’m still here and they tell me the parents have been sending in compliments. The school is probably lying to make me feel better about myself. Koreans lie a lot, so I’ve learned not to trust any information unless I get it first hand. Again, it’s not all bad. I’m sure if any of you have been following my uploaded pictures or my vlogs, it’d very much seem like this trip has been a lot of fun. It’s a blast going out with co-workers and exploring Korea, it’s just very difficult to organize things and for me, it’s very difficult to keep sane because I need to be able to plan everything out and see what’s ahead of me. My co-worker Scott lives a floor below me, and so when ever I just needed to be around someone, or I needed to borrow some food, or I needed help getting somewhere, I would go to him. He has been extremely helpful, and I only regret not being able to help him more since he is also going through a tough time. When ever I feel like Korea is crashing down on me, I go to Jay. Jay has taken me under his wing and helped me out financially, and has also made my time in Korea much more pleasant. I feel like I owe Jay about $1,000,000. I feel like I can go to Jay for just about anything. I also have become very close to my co-workers named Jenna, and Song. They’ve been there for me when I needed someone to talk to. When I have an emotional or psychological burden, they’ve been there to share to load. I don’t know how I can pay them back for keeping me sane, because this is something that can’t be measured. I have an insane amount of love for all these people, and I feel as though I’ll forever be in debt to them. I hope that they will never be in a position where they need my help, but if there ever comes a time that they do need my help, I will be there for hear their call.
This blog is a mess, and it covers a wide range of time. Sorry.

The Third Blog From Korea

I intended on blogging with more frequency than I have been, but if any of my readers have been following my Facebook, they know quite well by this point that I have an absolutely brutal job. The lack of time and lack of Internet access at home make for a very bad combination when it comes to blogging. I was just beginning my plane ride to Korea in my last blog, but that seems like an eternity ago, and most of those memories have faded. The memories have faded quicker than usual, as I have been on a rollercoaster ride from hell. I feel like a bi-polar teenage girl, who is on her period. I was hoping to keep my blog neat and organized, but at this point, that seems like a futile task. I will try my best to catch up and keep up, but I can’t promise anything.
I believe I when I last left my blog, I was just hopping into a plane at the international airport in Minneapolis. Saying goodbye to my friends and family was one of the toughest things I had to do in a while. I got through all the security scans and to my gate with plenty of time to spare. In fact, too much time to spare. The flight to Chicago wasn’t bad at all and seemed pretty quick as the adrenaline was still filtering out of my system. I didn’t have any time to spare in Chicago. I was headed to San Francisco right away. My plane got the San Francisco 30 minutes early, and I had a 2 hour lay-over. Lucky for me, I needed that time to regroup, finally eat something, and get some music onto my iPod for the long flight. I also gave my family a short call, and it was very short because payphones are a bitch. I was hoping to relax, watch a couple of movies, and listen to a bunch of music on my flight to Korea, but there was an old Korean man sitting next to me that insisted on having lengthy conversations. Conversations are a great way to pass the time, and normally I would be all for it, but not this time as my Korean is very limited, and the old man’s English was very limited. There must’ve be a cultural gap because I had my headphones in, but the man continued to tap my shoulder and would spark a new conversation every 10 minutes. If I knew how to say, “shut the fuck up old man,” in Korean, that would have been the time to use that phrase. I watched a total of 0 movies without interruption, I listened to a total of 0 albums without interruption, and had 2 naps interrupted. The moral of this story is that Koreans are fucking dumb.
I landed in Incheon and I wanted to shoot my brains out. Airplanes are so goddamn cramped. It took forever to get through immigration, but finding my bags and customs were a breeze. One of the workers actually told me to lie on my customs card when I asked him, as it would speed up the process. That’s Korea for you. I got out into the lobby, and searched for my recruiter, but no one was there waiting for me. That was understandable as my plane landed a bit early. I waited in the lobby for about 30 minutes. My stomach began to warn me that my meeting with the toilet would begin soon, and that I should get prepared. As I started my way towards the bathroom, a woman with a sign runs into the lobby. The name on the sign read, “Min Woo Kim,” but for some odd reason I thought that could be me. I don’t know why I thought it was. The odds there was another Min Woo Kim in that lobby were probably very high. Koreans have about 3 names total. Lee, Kim, or Bak. However, that lady walked right toward me and it turned out to be my recruiter. I still needed to go to the bathroom, but she had a lot to say. I calmly stopped her when I started sweating, and told her I needed to make a run to the bathroom. I paid for a bus ticket (thanks for taking care of me Korean people), and made my way toward Jeonju. My recruiter told me that she would contact my director, and let her know that I was on my way to Jeonju and that she should expect my arrival in a few hours. I had been awake for almost 48 hours, and I kept falling asleep in the bus. I tried my best to stay awake, because I didn’t want to miss my stop and have to explain my situation to a bunch of Koreans. I got to Jeonju, and I waited outside for my director to pick me up. I helped a couple of white people get to their school via taxi because they knew zero Korean. I felt bad for them, because their school expected them to find their own way to the school. That’s Korean people for you. I waited outside for about 30 minutes, and no one came. It was the middle of the night, and I was half frozen so I desperately looked for a phone. I called my director from a payphone, and ran out of time in the middle of my call. I waved for the next taxi, and hoped that maybe the driver knew where JLS English Academy was. He didn’t, but he was kind enough to ask for my director’s phone number and called her for me. I eventually got to the school, and I was ready for bed. However, they wanted to hold an interview so I my sleep would have to be put on hold. They then told me that my apartment was not set up yet, so they would put me into a motel. I got dropped off at the motel at 2am, and my director told me to get to school the next day at 10am. That would be 6 hours of sleep, after a 16 hour plane ride, and after zero sleep for the last 48 hours. They could’ve at least had the courtesy of picking me up at the right time. Of course I got there at 9:45am the next day, and the entire room seemed as if it were spinning. I had never felt such a sensation. The moral of this story is that Koreans are always late, Koreans don’t give a shit about how you feel, and that Koreans are mother fucking ass-holes.

The Second Blog From Korea

This whole journey to Korea wasn’t manifested over night, and has actually been in the works for a few years. I don’t remember exactly when I got serious about going, but I think it’d be safe to say about two years ago. My friend Ben Lee and I heard from church members that teaching English in Korea would be a job pretty much guaranteed to us. I was very close to accepting a job then and taking a break from college. I think it didn’t work out because the opportunity was moving too quickly and Ben’s parents didn’t want him to go during the middle of his schooling. The Korea trip was thereafter put on hold and looking back, I’m glad it was. I grew so much my last two years of college, and if I hate this job right now, I would have been destroyed if I would’ve came two years ago. I finished school, and lived the life of a middleclass bum for half a year working part time. I knew I had it lucky during those 6 months, and now that I’m here, I’d kill a small family to be back to living the life of a suburban bum. I quit my job in February of 2010 and there was an insane amount of pressure to do something with my life. I promised myself I’d do it big in 2010, and with added pressure from my parents, I scrambled to find something that’ll make everyone happy. I started putting my information all over the Internet, and within a few days, my Hotmail inbox was packed, and I kept getting calls late into the night. Most of the responses seemed like bullshit, so I ignored most of them, but I kept getting a call from a lady so I eventually started talking to her and it seemed she was genuinely interested in me coming to Korea. Things moved quickly, but eventually we ironed some things out and we booked a flight. Looking back, I should’ve waited until the next term before coming to Korea. The first term starts in March, and we booked my ticket mid-February. This didn’t give me or the school enough time to get ready. However, I was feeling pressure from my parents and myself so I took a leap of desperation, and I must say the leap has failed greatly. Well, “greatly” might not be the word because I’ll be taking something very valuable home even if I went home tomorrow. Rushing was my first mistake.
Rushing also forced me to say goodbye to my friends and family in about a week. I didn’t know it would be so goddamn hard to pack for the next year of your life and say goodbye to the people you love and saw everyday in one week. I was getting ready down to the last second. I slept maybe 30 minutes my last night in the States. Due to both needing the time to prepare, and because I was going through the entire spectrum of human emotions. During my last week, I was trying to spend time with my friends, but preparations made it nearly impossible. I would try to have movie nights with my friend Dawson every night, but the movie night would be interrupted, and on some occasions completely destroyed. One night we did manage to go out with Huy and enjoy a dinner at a restaurant. Dawson, Dean, and Huy came over my last night there to say goodbyes. I didn’t get to sit around with them much as I was packing and organizing final arrangements. I got to hang out with them for about an hour before it was time to say goodbye. I shared hugs with my guys, walked them out and shut my garage as they walked down my driveway. Although it was a frequent occurrence, the sight of my garage door shutting on my friends has never been so painful. I tried my hardest not to cry, but I’ve found out that I am very much a crier. I didn’t have much time to sulk as I needed to get more things ready. I gave myself 5 minutes, and then I gathered myself, shook off the heavy emotions, pounded my chest, and went back to work. When I was finally comfortable with what I had, I spent the remaining time with my little brother. There wasn’t much to do, and we were both tired, but just being around him was good enough for me. I knew I wouldn’t have a chance to do so for the next year, so I tried to soak in every second. My brother and I finally agreed that we both needed to try and get some rest so we jumped into bed around 2:00 A.M knowing that we needed to leave the house something shortly after 3:00 A.M. I rolled around for a while, but I think I eventually fell asleep. It felt like going to bed would be a waste of memories. I wanted to remember how soft my memory foam felt, then pressure from my covers being wrapped around me too tightly, and the sense of security I had living under my parents’ house. I woke up the earliest because I knew I wanted to take a good shower, worrying that it might be my last good one for the next year, and because I wanted to feel clean or my 16 hour flight. By the time I got out of the shower, my mom and dad were getting myself loaded into the car. I walked around the house one last time, and held my dog for as long as I could. I didn’t want to let go of her. Usually when you hold her for an extended amount, she tries to sneak free, but this time she was willing to give me my time. I don’t think she understood the situation, and it was probably more because it was 3:00 in the morning and she was tired, but maybe there is an off chance that she sensed the situation. A week ago, the thing I wanted to do most was hold my puppy. My dad spoke up and told the family it was time to go, and so I finally let my dog go and we all walked out to the car. It was dark and cold, but that was the least of my worries. I was really leaving, and it finally had hit me. I’ve already forgotten the scent of my house, and I’d do just about anything for just a sniff. I didn’t think much on the way to the airport. I wanted to enjoy the private car ride, because I was worried it might be my last for a while. Oh, before I forget, I want to mention all the awesome meals I had before I left. My family went out to eat a bunch of times, and we even had a chance to get my aunts, uncles, and cousins to come eat. I don’t want to forget the awesome meals I had with my friends too. Anyways, I got to the airport, checked my bags in and walked over to the security line. That’s where my family had to wait. I said bye to my mom first, then my dad, my brother, and lastly my sister. I knew my mom and my sister were going to cry, but seeing my dad and my brother crying was very difficult. It took everything in me not completely melt down. I wish I had the luxury of letting all my emotions out then, but I knew I needed to keep a clear and focused mind. The line was long and it took a while for me to get to the front. I must’ve looked back toward my family every few seconds, and every time I looked, they were there with red and swollen eyes. I finally got through the metal detector, collected all my belongings when it came out of the x-ray, and gave one more look back to the lobby. The only person I could see was my mom, and so I waved goodbye one last time, and dragged my heavy heart towards the plane.

The First Blog From Korea

I'm 3 days short of my first month here, and I'm finally just finding solid ground. I can't really decide if this last month has been a sprint, or a slow crawl. It has been a sprint in the sense that everything has been moving so quickly and it feels like I haven't even had time to breath. The whole time, I'm just trying to keep my head above water. At the same time, it has been a crawl in the sense I haven't really gotten a grasp on things yet, so it feels like I haven't accomplished much. I'm almost in the same position I was about a month ago, only missing home more and, slightly more confused at work, but more comfortable in my new apartment (if we can even call it that) and surroundings. There has been so many good things this past month, but so many frustrating things as well. In my previous blog that I wrote around the New Year, I promised I'd challenge myself in 2010, and I think I've done just that. I don't know how long I'll last here, but I'm going to test my limits. I'm a people person, and I begin to feel unhealthy if I am unable to have a healthy, educational, and lengthy conversation for an extended period of time. If it weren't for my co-workers, I would have already been back home. They have been my support and my anchor. Our family&friends and our relatives that live in Korea both can't imagine the amount of stress we are going through. The only way we know we aren't alone is to speak to each other. I think because of that reason, we have become a family quite quickly. We've had talks on subjects that people that have just met would not talk about. Although, my co-workers weren't sober, and I'm an open book so this variable might also be a major factor. Alcohol consumption seems to be a savior here, but unfortunately I do not have that luxury. I wish I could write, or even better, I wish I could just speak about everything I have been through. However, my thoughts are every where right now and I don't know where to begin to organize them. I have some extra time at work on Monday afternoon, and so maybe I'll just start writing about my experiences from the beginning. That's a big maybe because my work is not a very good environment for deep thinking (even though it's a school) because of the pressure to keep moving. I've got to say, I must be working at one of the worst places in Korea. Well, that might be a bit extreme...okay, very extreme and unfair, but it's fair to say it's not a very considerate place. Again, many of the people I work with are such a blessing and I don't know how I got so lucky to be around so many wonderful people, but the whole program and slightly the way Korean labor is set up is not very worker friendly. I learned that Korea switched to 5 day work weeks not too long ago (within the last 8 years), and that labor laws are only just now being put into place. We are in the middle of a transition period, so many employers are still clinging to the old ways. Think about all the white people that didn't want to give up slavery. Why would Korean people with money want Korean people without money to have an equal say? Because it's fair and equal? Ha, fair and equal is such liberal paranoia and for such pussies. Learn how to get tough. Anywho, I'm going to cut myself off prematurely as I need to wake up a bit early. Actually, it's not that early, but earlier than I would like. My co-worker Scott and I are planning on hitting up a bank and changing some mighty American dollars into Korean won. Then of course, it's the beginning of a new work week for us. It's amazing that we all hate work this much, yet we keep going back.
I hope to write more soon. I don't think I've asked people to comment on my blogs before, but now I'm desperate. Talking to someone in English (even if it is just via text) is so refreshing. Speaking in broken, infant level Korean just doesn't satisfy my thirst to have a meaningful conversation. I hope that those of you reading are doing better than I am, and I hope that the weather where ever you may be is better than the weather here. If it's not raining, it's cloudy, and we even managed to get snow here. I thought weather sucked in Minnesota.

2009-2010.

I thought the transition between 2009 and 2010 would be seamless, but it turned out to be a more "thoughtful" night than I imagined it would be. I was planning for a quiet night in, with my mom, dad, and brother, and in the end, that is what basically happened. Earlier during the day I asked people if they had any good new year resolutions. I heard a couple of good responses, and typically who ever I was talking to returned the question. However, I sincerely didn't have any challenges for myself for the coming year in my mind. Now that the year has begun, my mind has been at work and ideas started emerging. I didn't have much to do after my mom and dad went to bed and Richard took over the X-Box (if he hadn't, I'd be playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare2. However, I'm glad that on this night, the X-Box was occupied.) And so I did what I normally do when I am alone and without any medium to occupy my attention, and that is listen to music. I recently "obtained/bought/borrowed" the new 30 Seconds to Mars album. I fully understand that admitting something like that could absolutely get my ass pushed in by the musically intelligent. However, I will admit it with my chest out and with my musical integrity entirely intact. I will concede that there are some "over the top" songs on the album, but overall, I'd give it a positive review. 30 Seconds to Mars puts out some highly polished music videos, and their new one for "Kings And Queens" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMX3qv1N37s) does not fail their reputation. The video and the song together has a highly inspirational quality to it that I can't quite articulate well. Perhaps it is just me, and the mood the new year has put me in. Anywho, I got the thinking and I guess there is a lot I want to accomplish in 2010. It's not that 2010 is a special year, I think these challenges should always be attempted to be accomplished, but I suppose my hope is that maybe in 2010, I will actually strive to complete my objectives. Of course I can't pin it down to one mission, but to put it broadly, I want to progress as a person, and I want to be someone who creates change. Maybe that statement is a bit general, because who doesn't what to grow as a person and create change that helps others. However, it seems to me that help and love isn't as easy to come by as we would think. I was having a talk with my mom and dad over dinner last week or the week before. We talked about my potential job in Korea, and then they asked me what I was thinking about doing even further in the future. Lucky for me I had already explored this question (I seem to do a lot of talking to myself before bed. Some may call it schizophrenia, others might consider it a form of meditation) and I had a response to present them. Contracts for teaching English in Korea typically are for a full school year. That contract allows you get all the benefits. Looking ahead, I think that I will enjoy my time there and will strongly consider staying for an extra year. Hopefully they allow me to come back home in between the school years. I thought deeply about what it might be like when I come back home. Would home feel foreign to me? Will I remember where all the light switches in my house are? Will I be able to wake up in the middle of the night and find my way to the bathroom just by muscle memory? Regardless, I didn't want to come home like a soldier from an extensive tour and have nothing to do and be completely lost. I want something to be waiting for me when I get home. I proposed to my parents the idea of going back to school, and expanding my education. The stronger I make my brain, the better I can think, and the better I can think, the more opportunities I will have to make a change. I was thinking of studying something that will encompass: politics, theology, philosophy, psychology, and what ever else involves people (almost everything, duh! Haha). And so I thought maybe something to do with sociology. I don't know if this is even a possible path, or if that's the field that will allow me to accomplish what I am thinking of. I haven't done any research, so if anyone out there has a jump start and would like to share some information, anything and everything helps. I fear that sociology might deal too much with demographics. Well, that's probably not a fair assumption and me being paranoid. I just have these images in my head of me sitting at a large desk, and coloring in maps like the seventh grade. I am hoping through extensive research and thought, I can find something so revolutionary that I can change the path of history. For the better of course. Perhaps I am dreaming too big, and maybe I am being arrogant to believe that I could change the path of the inhabitants of Earth (I think that's a better way to put it, "inhabitants of Earth." I originally wrote, "man," but that's how conservatives speak, ignoring women. And, I didn't want to cut out the rest of the living creatures, because for some reason, humans feel like they have some sort of right over the rest of the creatures on Earth). But who knows, what if I can leave something behind that will better everything that lives, hopes, and feels. I won't know until I try. We all only get one life, only one chance, and if I can make that short period better for other people, I want to do it.

People who know me will vouch for my love of music. I certainly don't know enough about music to be able to write my own tunes, but I think it's fair to say I have an objective ear when it comes to listening to music. In 2010, I want to fall in love with music even more. I want to be able to soak in every layer of the songs I listen to in 2010. iPods and other devices have made it so easy for people to listen to music while they are doing other chores. Well, that's not really "listening" to music. I seem to think a lot about what life might have been like before television was invented. I think about how much fun it must have been to sit around with your friends, and stab the needle down into the newest album you purchased. Everyone sat around and listened, and I mean actually listened, to the sound that was being produced. Today, music is just a peripheral. It has become a novelty. To be fair, most of the children today would not be able to sit for a whole 30 minutes to listen to an album. It is much too difficult for them to sit around without images being forced into their eyes. I wish I knew people that would text me Tuesday morning letting me know they got an album released that day, and that a couple of people were coming over for snacks and we were going to listen to the album. Actually listen. Maybe I'm being too picky, and maybe I'm too crazy.

So, to conclude, in 2010, I need to push myself to advance, advance, advance. I think something that will help me accomplish this goal is putting people who are wiser and more advanced than I am, around me. I've kind of been doing this these last few years. I have seen the number of people who I consider "friends," or "acquaintances," fall dramatically. It hit me, over a period of time, that most of the people I spend my time with, are people who I don't want to spend time with. They were people that were concerned with things, perhaps too "childish" or irrelevant (How tan can I be? If I take creatine, maybe my muscles will be bigger! I am going to see how drunk I can get this weekend). Looking back, I didn't do a lot of socializing in college because I was discouraged by the people I was meeting. I wonder if people actually go to college to learn, or if they go to college to take out student loans to buy them alcohol? I guess the point I am trying to make is that I need to get out and build my network. Find new people. I can't sit around and expect the same people to come back. I think tonight was an especially good day to learn that lesson. Even my "closest friends," had other dates, other people that they found that matched their interests better (of course one of my best friends is vacationing in China, so that decreased numbers). My plans were to spend the night with my family regardless (Having parents that come from another country adds a unique wrinkle to holidays. They obviously aren't going over to the neighbors to bring the new year in. What would they do there, just sit and not talk because of the language barrier? Of course I want to join them and make their night more eventful). Although my night went according to plan, what I'm trying to point out is that if I didn't have my family to spend the night with, I wouldn't have any alternatives. I almost didn't even have my parents to enjoy the dropping of the ball. They made plans to go out together, expecting that I would go out with friends. Little did they know, their son is not really accepted by his peers. I hope that doesn't come across as some teenage angst, insecure about where he belongs in the high school caste system. I just find myself to be a lot different from people my age. I'll leave it to your judgment if I am different for the better, the worst, or neither. But tonight seems like the perfect opportunity to open up my horizon. I will try my hardest to meet new people (something I already enjoy doing) and put people around me who will challenge me.

I hope everyone has a 2010 that they will remember as the year that their life took a turn for the better. I hope when 2011 comes, people will want to hold onto their 2010 calendar so they can remember the year that everything went right, and the year we all progressed as creatures on Earth. I wish everyone a beautiful 2010. Enjoy it, because aren't we all suppose to die in 2012 because some strange tribe said we were going to?

Jesus! (Just Kidding)

It sure has been a long time since I got my Charles Dickens on. My life has been so busy, and by busy I mean not busy at all. Basically my days consist of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare2 and work. It's a pretty sad life, but I don't have any good alternatives. Since Modern Warfare 2 has been released a full 49 days ago, a whole 7 of those days has been dedicated to Modern Warfare 2. That's 168 hours of Modern Warfare in 1176 hours of life. I actually hit the 7 day mark earlier today. I'm not proud of that fact.

Although it might not seem like it, I have actually been partaking in other activities. I completed another wedding project last week, and I've been bouncing e-mails trying to get a job in Korea. I really hope things work out, because my life really needs a change of scenery and something to challenge me as a human being. Thinking about being away from home for a full year without being able to visit on the weekends is a frightening thought, but something I think I need. I'm going to be 23 years of age next week, and I think I need something to push me forward. I think when I get settled in Korea, I will really enjoy my time there. I would bet that I'd stay there for two years. When I come back home, I hope to continue with school. As of right now, I think being a sociology professor at the U of M would be a really cool job. I hate thinking about the future, 'cause my brain starts to hurt and I just get scared. I'll just take it slowly and cautiously.

I have been going to this new church in Minnetonka that I have enjoyed very much so far. The youth group teacher there is very open minded and fair and I have learned a lot from that class. Going to that church made me realize that I really enjoy meeting new people and that I am comfortable around anybody. Something about being able to hold my own intellectually gives me the confidence to approach new people without fear. Another reason I think I will enjoy my experience in Korea. I'm going to pretty much have to make acquaintance with everyone I run into. The exception being the few family members I have in Korea. This new church makes me want to visit other churches. My short time at the Minnetonka church has really progressed my search for an "answer." I think I'm pretty much settled that there is no God. It's ridiculous to think there is an invisible space man, that watches over all of us and controls everything that occurs in our lives. When I was a little kid, I used to think Santa Claus existed, then I learned that one would have to be insane to continue to think he existed. It took me a little bit longer to figure this out about God, but anyone who thinks he exists has to be crazy. However, my thought has shifted from the existence of God, to thinking about if religion can actually be a good thing. Is it worth having the world live a lie, if it can bring good? Are we focusing on the extremes of religion so much, that we miss the good things? That is an answer I am seeking now.

I'd be playing Modern Warfare 2 right now, if it wasn't for Richard. If feels kind of stupid having two X-Boxes in one house, but it might happen in our house. Splitting one X-Box has been a chore.
Anywho, time for bed. I've been reading The God Delusion every night before bed this week. At this rate, I'll be done with the book sometime next year.

Night!

Don't Get Pulled Down

I'm tired, so I'll have to keep this short. I haven't written in a while, but I've actually been pretty busy doing video work.
My sleep was all thrown off today. Sunday night/Monday morning, I captured footage from Chris and Amy's wedding until about 4 in the morning while I still had the GL2 to use as the VTR. Then I woke up at about 9:30 to return the camera. I then came home and went back to bed for a couple of hours.

I think on the way to Cinequipt, I saw a domestic abuse case. There was a black Suburban at the end of a drive way and man swinging his arms at the ground. I wasn't sure what he was doing, but as I was driving by, I swear a women rolled over and tried standing up after the man stopped. I told myself I'm running off zero sleep and I'm seeing shit.

So President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize a couple of weeks ago (the same day we bombed the moon). I was really confused as to why he won the prize because he hasn't really done anything. He is still fighting Bush's wars, still torturing, and hasn't done anything he has promised. When the conservatives we criticizing Obama 2 days into his term for not doing enough, I thought it was too early to tell. However, pretty soon, that excuse won't be good enough, so he better get his shit together. Of course, it's not all his fault. Our government has its checks and balances (kind of, Bush fucked so much shit up and made up so many new laws to allow the president more power) so sometimes his ideas don't always get through. Regardless, he still shouldn't have won the prize.
I was confused so I started reading some blogs to see what other people thought. There are a lot of reasons why people think Obama won the prize. None of them are really firm reasons, but I thought they made sense. Some thought maybe it was because Obama was such a fresh breath from Bush. That with Bush and Cheney, nothing could get achieved at an international level. Bush and Cheney were fucking awful, and you idiots that could vote back then elected those fucking idiots for two terms. So, some feel this is the world slapping Bush in the face. And I say, fucking good. Other people though it might be to give Obama a push to actually get shit done. Now that he has the prize, there is a spot light on him. People are going to keep a closer eye on him.
Remember, the nominations were in February. I heard Obama did more peace related topics before he was president and around the time of the nominations, people around the world were just so glad Bush was gone.
Still, he shouldn't have won it.

Now I'm going to bed, because I'm really fucking tired.
What a waste of a blog.

Argh

I was trying to think of a meaningful title for this blog, but couldn't come up with anything. Shows you how creative I am.

I just finished watching a Korean flick called Treeless Mountain. Not the most amazing thing I've ever seen, but it was a decent watch. I think I suck a watching realist films because I have been struggling with those lately. Realist films tend to be a little slower than I like, but if done right, it can really expose life like only cinema can. I don't think I've seen/heard as much off screen dialogue in a film as I did in Treeless Mountain. I think this film was a bit better for me being that it is a Korean movie. I hated to sub-titles as I thought the translations were awful. It's a good thing I understand Korean better than I can speak/write/read it. I think watching more Korean movies will help my Korean develop. I can't wait to visit Korea again and see my aunts, uncles, cousins, but I really want to see my grandmother. The grandmother in the movie really reminded me of my own. I doubt I will be able to engage in a meaningful conversation with my grandmother, just basic yes or no answers responses to her questions, but there is a bond between family I just can't articulate. Just being around makes me feel infinitely safer/comfortable. I wondered during the movie what life might have been if my parents chose to stay in Korea. There is nothing I can think of in America that I am so attached to that I couldn't give up. Everything would be an easy sacrifice to be able to send my parents to their home, where family is, where people speak their language, where they wouldn't have to second guess cultural standards. I don't have many friends here, I seem not to fit in very well, I can't seem to find my inner capitalist to take advantage of opportunities. I'm not saying Korea would be a better fit, but I wonder sometimes. I'm sure when I'm there, I'll want to be here, and while I'm here, I want to be there. Koreans are probably still a bit more conservative and that doesn't fit me too well. Argh, I meant to write about my grandmother, but got derailed a bit. And now I've actually used my title in my blog. An act of god, I'm assuming.

For the past few days I've really wanted to visit Europe. I don't know why I got the sudden urge, but I just want see a new group of people. Something not American. If only I had the funds.

I've been wanting to do some album reviews since I've been getting a lot of music listening done. I've been listening to a lot of Between The Trees (although I've worn them out a bit now), the brand new Brand New, Paramore, Lights, with a little Saosin and The Used mixed in. The new Paramore I think is a step above Riot!, but I don't think will be as popular. You never know though, their momentum from Riot! might carry the album. Riot! was a singles gold mine, but the overall record was pretty weak. I think this is where Brand New Eyes improves most, although it still isn't a very complete album. Right now my two favorite songs are Misguided Ghosts and The Only Exception. I think the softer more acoustic songs from Paramore are amazing. I haven't gotten enough listens yet, but I think the new Lights album might actually be better than the new Paramore. I really wasn't expecting anything from Lights, but there is some really good moments on that album. I think Pretend is a must listen!

While I'm talking about the scene a little bit, I had a random fashion thought the other day. Yes, fashion, my estrogen runs heavier than most men. It seems to me that a good pair of jeans, preferably of the skinny group, will most likely forgive a bad top. You could put almost anything on top and have a good pair of skinnys and still look good. Of course throw in a pair of good flats.

I don't really know much about Hinduism, but I was thinking the other day on the way to work, if the single Christian god (well, even though he exists in the forms. Yeah, pretty dumb) can piss me off this much, how angry would I be if I learned about all 836.5 Hindu gods? Okay, I made that number up, but I've heard they got a handful. One religion I do want to learn a little about is Buddhism. I've heard some things about Buddhism that really interested me. I heard that Buddha once said that if anyone meets him, they should kill him because no one should be idolized. That's some real shit.

When I was young, I learned that sharing was a good thing and that greed should be checked. I thought about that childhood lesson because I was wondering when the word "socialist" became such a toxic word. I don't think socialism is the answer to everything. I don't think socialism is the answer to everything. I thought I'd write that twice before people hated me for being a communist. But, in a way, isn't socialism the same a sharing? And isn't capitalism, in a sense, an enabler of greed? I think both has shortcomings, and both has benefits, but I'm confused as to when capitalism was the best idea ever, and when socialist became the most dangerous. There are some things I think we need to help each other on and shared, and there are some things that should be fought for. I think a little balance is needed. I have community ideas for certain things, and I am capitalistic about certain things. For example, when I play sports, I attack the weakness of the other team. I find a wound and I keep digging at it. But outside the sports realm, I enjoy helping people. I was thinking (I guess I was thinking a lot lately) about why I support gays so much. I have no idea why I do and I only seem to get into trouble for doing it. I am not personally gay, and I don't know any gays (well, at least none out of the closet). Why do I stick up for these people? My main point is, somewhere, somehow, the meanings of these words got twisted and spun around. Socialism is now such an evil word for what is at the core a generous idea.

I learned something about my dad the other day that I never knew (is that sentence redundant? If I learned something, how could I have known about it before?). My mom told me that my dad has been donating money for cancer research for many years now. I thought my dad was the stingiest man ever, but I don't know if I think that anymore. When ever my bother, my sister, and I wanted things when we were young, we went to my mother because we knew my father would never give in and get us the desired item. I was confused as to why my dad was so generous with other people, but was tough on us. I think he was just trying to teach us to work for everything we get. My uncle died from cancer this past spring, so I wonder if my dad will up his ante a bit. I noticed my dad is very generous with students as well. When ever students show up at our door during the summers with a product in hopes to save enough money for a semester, my dad always seems to help them out. Recently he has just been giving them money and doesn't even accept the product. The latest occurrence I witnessed was this summer when a student was selling popcorn. He was selling popcorn for a $1 each. My dad gave him $5 and didn't even take any popcorn. I gave my dad some shit afterward because I wanted some popcorn, but I now understand what he did was very generous.

I've noticed I have a lot more conservative friends. Which makes sense, I have lived in Plymouth for the last 10 years. However, I've also noticed that my friends who consider themselves conservatives, are more liberal, at least socially. They didn't specify what parts of their lives they consider themselves conservative, so I just assumed generally. However, I think socially I am more conservative than most these people. Politics and economic doctrines aside. I think society should be liberal, but the individual should be conservative, but maybe that's just me. I don't think I should have control over what other people do. I do not drink, run around with my ass exposed, or go to clubs and get my freak on. The craziest I get is rock shows and swearing, a lot. So maybe not too conservative, but at least I don't have it backwards. Many of the people I know live freely, but seem not to want other people to have the same freedoms. I guess this is where I get confused a little.

I thought about what a classmate said about one of my videos I made last semester when we were critiquing my video. My classmate told me that it seems like I am willing to take risks with the narrative and cinematography that many people are not willing to take. Very non-Hollywood he said. He very much appreciated my willingness to avoid what is standard and popular. His words have stuck with me and have been giving me strength lately. I very much feel like I'm in the minority on most things, but that's okay. I just see things differently and I'm willing to take the hard road if I have to.

Bloody Nose

Really just writing to fulfill my promise to myself that I'd write these more frequently.

So I've been trying these little personal experiments lately, and I'm finding them very interesting. I've been running with the more "militant atheism" approach lately. Not really my style, but I found it to be cool. It seems to piss a lot of people off, but maybe they shouldn't be so damn religious. I heard a writer put it really nicely the other day and called religion a social disorder. One side is able to exert more pressure than the other side. I think every time I deal with Christians, I become more and more of an atheist. They are really an interesting bunch. A little delusional, but interesting. I'm just trying to promote a little doubt. I only know a couple of things for certain, but the biggest thing I know is, I know nothing. I know that most of us know nothing, so it does upset me when people act like they know. I think the next little experiment I'm going to try is lying. Try lying a little bit. Tell some fake stories, say I did something when I didn't. Just see where it takes me.

It seems that I've been trying to find a little motivation in life lately. I keep asking myself what the point of life is. I've been feeling a little unfulfilled lately. My life really doesn't have a lot of momentum. I wake up, surf the interweb, edit videos, go to work, and then come home and sit around. It was Dawson's birthday last week, and I couldn't really think of anything interesting to do. We went and watched Jennifer's Body. It's sad when Jennifer's Body is the most interesting thing I could come up with for my friend's birthday. I guess people my age are usually out getting drunk, but that is just not a scene I can get into. I think that is a culture I really will never understand, and something I don't think I want to understand. Drinking/binge drinking seems like an absolutely ridiculous act to me. I guess being strait edge and not exactly enjoying the company of drunks cuts about 90% of social activities for people my age. Maybe a little wine? That shit is suppose to be good in small amounts, right? I think it was about a year ago, I told myself I am going to try and cut out all the useless people in my life. I think I did a good job dumping this weight. It turns out there is only about 3 people (minus my family) that I can really trust. Good friends of mine, but even friendship is a risky relationship. Many years ago I learned that the level of "love" in friendships is only as good as the amount of "goods" I have to offer. It's kind of a business. There is a song by Anberlin called, "Never Take Friendship Personal," and I live by that because I know friends come and go. Maybe other people have relationships with friends that aren't like this, but I kind of doubt it. They just haven't realized it. This all sounds bad, but that is because we have made it out that way. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I guess I just wanted to put out there that I'm searching. Searching for something to hold on to. Grab, never let go and just keep running. And running. And running. Until my legs give out, until I just fall over, and go to sleep.

My Ideas Will Get Me Killed

So, I just got done with an epic Facebook argument. Where would we be without the internet? Haha, people are so touchy about religion. I only wish religion didn't exist so we wouldn't have to debate how shitty it is. I can't believe that there are people that still think this way in the 21st century. I'm glad Obama is promoting education, 'cause people need it. Get over your arrogant ideas.

But I digress from what I really wanted to write about.
So, it looks like I might have gotten a chance to teach English in Korea sooner than I might have wanted. It sounds like a truly great opportunity. But, I learned today that it is through the Seventh Day Adventist church. Total bummer! The professor wrote in the e-mail, "So teachers are expected to be very pious in his or her faith." Fuck my life. If I have to go to church or promote the life of Jesus Christ while I'm trying to teach English, Korea's suicide rate might take a jump. I can't lie to myself or to others. I was raised to tell the truth and I agree that it is truly the best way. I always speak the realest shit (can I say that in the same blog where I challenge the intellect of people?). Some people might not like it, but that's too bad. I'm not afraid of the truth. Yes, the truth is scary, but that doesn't mean we should run away from it. Why the hell is the world so religious? Why can't Richard Dawkins just rule over the world?
Ughhh...religion just won't leave me alone.

Far Away Yesterday

If George Bush did one good thing for our country, it is that he politically charged many people. He may have polarized many people, but he helped us understand that if we elect dumb people to represent us, dumb things happen. This is probably why Sarah Palin didn't get elected. McCain's biggest mistake was picking that loony-toon.

Above I state that politicians are elected to represent us, the people. This doesn't seem to be happening. I think people forget that we elected them to push what we want to happen. We call our president our leader, and yes, that is a fair term, but he (and hopefully a her, soon) works for us and not the other way around. Remember that, they are our pawns.
And why hasn't Joe Wilson gotten his ass beat yet? If you search Joe Wilson in Google, the first two sites that pop up are sites that support him. Who the fuck made those websites? Can conservatives actually defend him?

Ron Paul is still a republican. That is the best dude the g.o.p has and they rarely use his name. Instead Sarah Palin and Joe Wilson are their mascots.

Remember when Obama kept Bush's Patriot Act? That still angers me that he kept that. Those republicans sure know how to use their words. What is patriotic about the Patriot Act? Remember this, Obama says he will get us out of Iraq by August 31, 2010. So really, September 2010. I was hoping that it might be a little sooner, but make sure he keeps at least that deadline. Or else...lynch him? Oh shit, too soon.

If God Told You To...

If god told you to kill your mom, your dad, your siblings and your child, would you do it?
If you consider yourself a christian and you say no, they you're not actually a christian. If you say yes, then stay the hell away from me because you're fucking crazy. Either way, religion loses.

I wonder if republicans and conservatives feel weird when Viagra or Cialis commercials come on? They seem to be freaked out over the topic of sex. Grown ass people who feel like sex is the worst thing in the whole entire world. I remember when I was uncomfortable when someone mentioned sex...I was in the third grade. Then I was educated and learned it was a normal thing. Then I went home and jacked off.

One Of Us Died Tonight, Somebody Knows.

So I just started watching Obama's speech about American students on Youtube and I just noticed reoccurring feelings I get every time he gives a speech. The first feeling I always get is excitement. I always think to myself, "this dude is going to say something really good that'll inspire a lot of people." That feeling and thought is quickly pushed aside when ever the camera cuts to the strait forward angle that most speeches are captured with. Then my mood changes to fear and I think to myself, "Shit, this dude is going to get assassinated this time."

Was anyone scared that Bush might get assassinated? Thought never crossed my mind.

Eat, Sleep, Fuck, and Repeat.

In my previous blog, I stated I wanted to write more blogs, and well hot damn, I'm going to get off to a good start.

I think people who say violent video games make our youth more violent are pussies. Pussies and fucking dumb. When I feel violent and aggressive, I channel those emotions through healthy mediums. Lately, I've been playing more Gears of War2 and Call of Duty (the only Call of Duty that fucking matters until Call of Duty 2 comes out [I am going to refer to Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 as Call of Duty 2 from now on]). I also listen to music which helps me vent some of that inner rage. Violent video games to me are cathartic, not harmful. But, everyone is different.

I have joined that large pool of uninsured Americans. My student status has officially expired and I am no longer eligible to remain on my father's health insurance plan. I feel like my arguments for health care reform would be stronger if I wasn't a victim, but now I am a victim needing help. I never fought for reform before because I needed it, I fought for it before because I felt it was the right thing. People deserve to live calm, peaceful lives. What we have now is bull shit, absolute bull shit. I guess we are all playing the waiting game now. If these pussy ass democrats could actually get their shit together and pass something, that'd be kind of nice. Hey democrats, drop your dildos and get to fucking work. That is the problem with the democrats, they are too "open minded" and too many of them are pussies. Just get it done, that is what Bush did and now it is your turn to fuck up the country. Republicans have their shit together. When they have the power, they all move forward (or backwards?). They all agree on something, and push it as hard as they can. Even if they push us all the wrong way and into the shitter, they push. The republicans don't care about compromise, they don't care about the consequences, they just push and push and push. Stop compromising you stupid fucking democrats! The republicans are fucking crazy! Don't listen to them. Don't believe me? Look up Sarah Palin. Every time someone mentions something pro-republican, I will simply point to Sarah Palin. Palin and her history of goofs will be my support. Anytime someone says something pro-democrat, I will call them a pussy. When are these politicians ever going to do something for the people? You are public servants. Obama is coming out with this press conference or whatever where he is going to speak directly to our youth. He is going to explain the importance education. The conservatives already are complaining that he is going to attempt to brainwash the children. Please, shut the fuck up!

I was part of bush's "no child left behind" promise. I feel retarded just being part of that.

Anyone been listening to this Rachel Maddow? She is fucking brilliant! If only she wasn't a butch lesbian.

How come when Harry Potter uses magic, it is considered "witchcraft" to the Christian and the crazy right, but when Jesus uses magic the acts are coined "miracles?" *Sniff, sniff* Does anyone smell that? Yep, it's bull shit and the crazy right talking again (can you smell a group of people talking?!). I can't tell the difference between the Harry Potter bull shit, and the Bible bull shit. Oh right, one has been deemed actual events. The Harry Potter books, right? I think once the people of this world get over religion, we will be better off. We are not that privileged that when we die, we are revived and get to walk golden roads and are fed grapes for sexy ass women. Get over yourself you arrogant human fuck. When we die, we just die. The end. Take care of your body, and you will live a bit longer. The idea of eternal life is truly scary. Look at it this way - if we go to heaven, god is our boss and if we go to hell, satan is our boss. Either way, we are working for someone. Think about the worst boss you have ever had, and thinking about working for that prick for an eternity. Pretty scary huh? Why the hell would you want to work for someone forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever. Makes no sense to me. And think about this, if the devil and god are at war, why would satan torture us when we get to hell? I bet he is trying to build an army strong enough to topple god's kingdom. If anything, I bet he would take care of us and train us so he can finish off that dude god, once and for all. But the Bible teaches us that the devil is a super bad dude. Oh but that's right, the Bible is written from god's point of view. Why would he say anything good about the devil? That is like Bill O'reilly writing a book praising the democrats. It wouldn't happen. At least the devil didn't go tooting his own horn writing gossip about god. So far, the devil seems like a cooler dude than god. But where did I learn about the devil? Oh right, the Bible again. So he probably doesn't exit. If I ever own a book store, I am putting the Bible in the fiction section. Right next to Harry Potter. That'll piss a lot of people off. Probably because it'll make them wonder why the hell a book that starts with B is next to a book that starts with H.

One last topic before I go read 1984 and get some shut eye. Is anyone else glad to see Pfizer get raped by the long dick of the law? The same dick they sucked off so many times to become so fucking rich. $2.3 billion is the sum I saw. That is rape. Pfizer was asked to bend over and when they declined, they were forced to the ground. Begging for mercy, Pfizer took the dick in the ass. (I should start writing porn). I was thinking a couple months ago, and I pissed the fuck off that D.A.R.E lied to me when I was in the 4th grade. D.A.R.E taught me when I was in elementary school that were bad drugs, and good drugs. Get those fucking lies the fuck out of here. There is no such thing as "good drugs." They are all bad for our human bodies. None of that garbage needs to be in our body. You have a headache? Well, that is your body reacting to something it doesn't like. It is your job to find what is causing that reaction. By taking a little pill, you are just covering up the symptoms, not curing the cause. Americans will work harder to cover up symptoms, when they should be attacking the cause. Lazy, fat Americans. It is so easy to just take a poisonous pill, but it takes a little work to understand your body. It is your body, take some time to learn it. I don't take any pills, ever. Now, I think if it is life and death, the choice is obvious. You can either die, or take a poison pill and live. If that is the case, take the poison pill. I think I know why we are all so dumb. Because we take so many damn pills and we are just walking zombies. These chemicals have taken over our bodies. We are slaves to these chemicals, only vessels. I think we should legalize Marijuana because it would be the only fair thing to do. If these companies can sell these pills and make billions of dollars, Marijuana should have an equal chance. I don't smoke, nor do I drink. The legalization of marijuana wouldn't benefit me in the slightest. I just hate to see these stupid laws be so unfair. If it were up to me, cigarettes would be eliminated, alcohol would be eliminated, and all these stupid drugs would be gone. But I understand how successful prohibition was and I know this would never work. So we need to keep these things and if that is the case, everything should have an equal chance. We just need to teach people these things are not good for your body. What we should do is tax the shit out of these products. How much do cigarettes cost these days? In Minnesota, the cigarette tax is $1.05 per pack, and the tax on beer is .15 cents per gallon. Fuck that, tax the shit out of booze. These are things we don't need. I don't hear anyone talking about increasing the tax on booze.

Anywho, I'm actually a nice guy (I think).

Remove The Blood Stains From Your Walls

I don't have anything to write about, which is too often the case for me these days. I remember when I used to write every day. But those were days when I had to vent endlessly. I am hoping in September, I can write more of these blogs, I can read more, I can film and edit more, and I also want to get back to writing some music. I can feel these sparks of creativity inside me, and they want to be more than just sparks. I guess I need a slight push forward. On top of this, I want to get into photography, but hot damn, cameras do not come cheap.

I read there is a Ted Kennedy memoir coming out soon. I bet that would be an interesting read. Right now, I want to read George Orwell's 1984. I'm on page 5 right now. I have trouble reading fiction because while reading, I always try to paint a picture to what I'm reading. It ends up that my eyes are still reading, but my mind is painting a visual. What color is the wall? What is the temperature? Maybe that is why I am into motion pictures. I suck at reading fiction and it isn't because of that fake, made up thing called A.D.D.

Does anyone else enjoy this Michael Bay and Megan Fox feud? Did anyone catch Inglorious Basterds? More importantly, has anyone seen Food, Inc?! I want to see that so badly.

Everyone should check out "The Black Swan" by Story of the Year. Solid, solid record. There was a time when everyone believed Story of the Year was done. I went back and listened to their second album, and yes, those assumptions seemed just. But boy oh boy, did they come back with The Black Swan. I read they are recording now, and I can tell you right now, this little man is looking forward to it. I've always been listening to a lot of Emery, Between The Trees, and I just got my hands on the new The Used. This fall has a pallet full of new records coming out, so my new MP3 will be put to good use.

Suck it.

The Final Countdown

Just last night I watched an Oliver Stone and Bill Maher interview where Mr. Stone stated that America no longer has journalists. Journalists today are just a pawn of the government. Too afraid to speak to truth.

Then Keith Olbermann had his amazing episode on August 3rd. Calling out specific elected officials and their failures. Mr. Olbermann spoke for the people with no fear, delivering actual news. None of that Michael Jackson bull shit. If we had more people delivering news like Olbermann, people might actually know what is going on in this world. Olbermann called out both republicans and democrats. A politician is a politician no matter what brand they have stamped on their stupid heads. I have an amazing amount of respect for Mr. Olbermann. He called out for these lame elected officials to finally start working for the people and not these large companies. He also requested that the people start acting. Everyone should check out what this man has to say. The only thing I fear now is that someone will assassinate him. We all know how much those crazy republicans love their guns.

Bless Keith Olbermann!

WARPED TOUR 2009!

Sometimes I hear things. I hear things that sometimes makes my goose pimples rise, that sends a shock through my system, that get my hormones pumping. I hear music.

The highlight of my summer has come and is now gone. I am officially one day closer until Warped Tour 2010 comes to Minnesota. This blog might be a little early to start writing about how excited I am for Warped Tour 2010, so I will use most of this space to write about how amazing Warped Tour 2009 was. Warped Tour 2009 was kind of awesome. Just a little bit. The sun burn and pain I feel in my body right doesn't equal the amount of happiness Warped Tour brings me. A day full of music and culture. A day when I can completely ignore the world and just let music sink into me. A day when it doesn't matter how stupid I look and how stupid I act. If there is a heaven (and let me assure you now, there isn't a heaven) Warped Tour is the closest thing to it (at least for me). Some people claim to "like/love music" because it is "cool" to like music. I wouldn't say that is a false statement, music is indeed very cool. Music isn't just a bunch of noise that convey a message and make us feel things. Music is also fashion, culture, history, stories, etc. Music should mean much more in our world, but this meaning seems to get lost and is often traded in for what is "cool." Music to me is a life force. Music helped me through the hardest and darkest times of my life. I don't think I was ever close to be suicidal, but it would be fair to say music kept me afloat. Music was, and still is, by my side ready to take on the world with me. Music is also there during the happiest days of my life. If there is a group that appreciates music, I'd like to think I deserve a spot in that group.

The day I knew music was woven in my soul was at an Underoath headliner. That night was the closest thing I came to a supernatural/out of body experience. I don't know what song Underoath was playing, but it was so intense, it was so inviting, it was so clear and beautiful. During that song, I lost complete control of my body. I literally froze and had no control over my body. I could think and talk to myself, but I couldn't command my body to move. Shortly after I lost control over my body, I started crying out of no where. I have no idea why. But, I knew from that moment, I would forever be passionate about music.

I didn't have any body versus soul experiences at Warped, but I did have an overload of fun. The day started out with our usual breakfast at McDonald's then we hit the road. What we didn't expect was the amount of traffic on 169. One of my biggest fears is missing an important 11:00 set. My heart nearly imploded when we were still a while off, and 11:00 was near. When we got to Warped, there were massive lines like usual. We had to first find the will-call tent so that I could receive my free tickets from Warner Bros. Records. My tickets were there, but Richard's tickets he won through the John Lennon Education Foundation were a bit more difficult to track down. Eventually we got all our free tickets and got the whole crew together. It must have been at least 11:30 when we got into the venue. Naturally my first instinct is to speed walk my ass over to the mecca of Warped. When I looked to the top left corner of that giant red balloon, my heart sank about 16 yards. Devil Wears Parda was the first band on the main stage. "2 years in a row!?" I thought to myself because I had missed their set last year. However, I looked at the time next to the Velcro T.D.W.P label and saw that the first set on the main stage hadn't started yet. Thank the lord! This year Warped only used one main stage instead of two so the first band played a bit later. We had about 10 minutes until T.D.W.P hit the stage so we planned out route quickly. Main stage...Hurley stage...Hurley.com stage...Smartpunk stage...main stage...break. Warped 2009 would start quickly and would show no mercy.

I joked before Warped about badly we would be drained if Warped started with Underoath and Devil Wears Prada. Well, 1/2 of that joke came true as we started with The Devil Wears Prada. This would be the first T.D.W.P set I attended after the release of their new album. I don't think it was good for me to start off so quickly and aggressively. I always tell myself before concerts, "take it easy, pace yourself," but when that music hits me, I lose all control. They came in to the Mortal Kombat theme and I could feel all the juices in my body flowing. When the music started, it was all out hell. T.D.W.P sounds like T.D.W.P for the most part when they perform live. One difference I always notice is that it is much easier to hear the keyboard on their record. Which is the opposite for Underoath. Since T.D.W.P played so early, I had plenty of room to move around and act like a complete fool. My friends told me after Warped that there were some members of the crowd that laughed at my "dancing." Which is fine with me. I'm not at Warped to impress people, haha. I wish some of the people I went with knew more of the songs because they really are a fun live band. We didn't get to finish their set (most likely left a song early) because Scary Kids Scaring Kids overlapped.

We sprinted over to the Hurley stage and when we got there Scary Kids Scaring Kids were already mid-song. Dean and I snaked through the shell of the crowd so that we could get into where the party really happens. The Scary Kids crowd was much more calm compared to the T.D.W.P crowd. I was actually surprised. T.D.W.P had a bigger stage, but I thought a Scary Kids crowd would have an equal amount of energy for its size. This all just meant that we would have to get the people around us more into the energy of the songs. The vocal mic was a little low in the mix, but Scary Kids sounded very good. They did a good job of mixing new songs, old songs, softer songs, harder songs and gave their set a diverse feel. Scary Kids requested a "wall of death" (which I hate). Dean and Jon seemed to have some fun with it. Scary Kids ended and it was off to the Hurley.com stage as the end of this set and the start of the Meg&Dia set matched perfectly.

We got to the Hurley.com stage as Dia just started singing. This is only my second time seeing Meg&Dia perform, but the first time was completely boring. I was hoping that this time would be a little different. When we got there, the crowd was spaced out and completely still, which was not a very good indicator that this was going to be a very fun crowd. I'm not for crazy pushing, crowd surfers, but I am for a little crowd movement. A little dancing. It doesn't seem right when there is about a foot of space between me and the next person. The first time I saw Meg&Dia, I think I was the only person in my group that had really checked their music out. This year Dean and Jon joined me so I had at least 2 other people to feed of off. They made the Meg&Dia set 100% more entertaining. The people we were around didn't seem to like our moving around and jumping too much, but they can suck a dick. Dean and I have had many friendly debates debating whether Carlo or Meg is playing the guitar solos. Dean officially earned his Meg&Dia badge mid-way through the Meg&Dia set. What amazed me was the band was able to completely ignore 3 college aged males jumping around and yelling in a sea of 4 foot tall girls. Not even a look, not even a smile of amusement. I don't know if this was a good thing, or bad. If they didn't completely ignore us, they probably would have yelled at us for causing such a scene. I always hear Meg&Dia fans complement the band on how much they sound like their records. I would like to disagree. Some of the parts seem watered down and I Dia doesn't sound nearly as good live. She doesn't sound that amazing on the album. I really appreciate the diversity of their songs and their composition, but they just aren't my favorite live band. The crowd is no good, the songs a much thinner live, and they lack stage presence. Dia is no Hayley Williams. However, I think they are a good band to have on Warped. It is a very good mix up, and I needed a break before we headed over to Senses Fail. Plus, Meg and Dia (The sisters, not the band) are incredibly attractive. I can't believe my own girl friend didn't even say hi to me in the middle of their set!

Lucky for us, the Hurley.com stage was right next to the Smartpunk stage. I think the band I have seen the most is still Senses Fail, although Underoath is catching up quickly! Coming into Warped, there seemed to be a lot of Senses Fail break up rumors. I actually thought the same. Heath is leaving the band soon, they haven't done much touring, they all seem to have regular jobs, Buddy now has a side project, and their latest effort was about 2 touchdowns weaker than Still Searching (although Still Searching was a near masterpiece). I heard they have a fall tour in the works, but I am still not convinced. I missed the last This Day and Age show, and the last Acceptance show (they announced their break ups after their last tours) so I promised myself if this is the last time I see Senses Fail, it'd be a good one. Senses Fail put on a good show. I don't think they have ever been the best live band and Buddy certainly isn't the greatest singer on this earth, but they have enough passion and energy to make a lot of people happy. The instrumentals are pretty much spot on with the records -- I think. I can't be sure because the way I participate, I feel like I'm not catching everything. Buddy always has some interesting topics to talk about between songs. He reminded us that Brett Favre isn't coming to play for the Vikings (jerk!). But he also had a very good message about the scene becoming a joke. There are so many joke bands out there now because it is so easy to record a decent demo in your basement and create a MySpace profile. As long as your band wears neon skinny jeans, high tops, typical neon band shirt, shutter shades, and a flat brim baseball cap, you are ready to become a scene band. You also can't know how to play actual instruments and need to be completely computer based. Maybe I'm not the one that should judge because I am not good on any instrument. However, that is why I consider playing and instrument a skill, because it is hard and I can't do it. I always joke about making a top 40 album on my keyboard with the samples I have on my computer. That doesn't seem to difficult, but playing a guitar at a high level is something that I am not close to doing. One of the songs I was most excited for was "Family Tradition" (along with "Danger: Wildman" by T.D.W.P) and I was not disappointed. This was the first time I heard any of the songs off L.I.N.A.W.R live and they all sounded good. Hopefully Warped isn't the last time I see Senses Fail.

After Senses Fail it was back to the main stage for Chiodos. We got there in time for a 5 minute breather and then the music started. At this point I'm completely drained. The worst part was Craig had the crowd do all these stunts that made it almost impossible for me to pay attention to the music. At one point he challenged us to beat the world crowd surfing record (apparently held by My Chemical Romance). Many punches were thrown as I absolutely hate crowd surfers. I can handle a few as I understand sometimes that is the best escape route. Especially if I see little girls crowd surfing. I never understand when fat fuckers crowd surf. Why would you do that to us?! I also hate it when I see the same fucker crowd surf more than once. When I do catch someone crowd surf more than once, they will have some sort of mark on their body to remind them not to do it again. A long time ago, I felt bad when I punched someone thinking it was a boy, but it actually turned out to be a girl. It is difficult to tell sometimes since everyone looks like a girl in a Chiodos crowd (except for the prog type emo). Now, everyone just gets punched with out any sympathy. Well, some sympathy. If I didn't show sympathy, there would be a poor individual in the hospital right now getting work done on his male genitalia. When surfers are hanging right in front of me, is when they get it the worst. After the song, Craig said that there would be no more crowd surfing for the rest of their set. A few songs later, he had us do a wall of death for "Best Friends". Chiodos sounded very good, it was just hard to pay attention to them with all the crowd participation. I sound kind of hypocritical because I just complained about how boring a MegDia crowd is, but now I'm complaining about how rowdy a Chiodos crowd is. I just need some balance is all. I need to crowd to be into the music, but too much pushing makes it difficult to pay attention to the music. I guess I'm too much of a circle put guy.

Our first break came after Chiodos and I needed it. I don't think I've ever felt that bad at a Warped since my first Warped tour which is excusable since I had no idea what I was getting into my first time around. An hour gap for us to get drinks, pee, and eat before Underoath. We left some drinks in the car, however they wouldn't let us re-enter after we left the venue. It is good thing Dean is such a sweet talker.

Underoath would be our epic finale. Underoath played around 4:00, but there weren't many bands we needed to see after. Easily the earliest our Warped ended. Not because the Warped lineup was thin, but because they stacked all the acts we wanted to see on top of each other early. If you haven't seen an Underoath set and you are into the scene, then you are obviously not very smart. Easily one of the best live bands in the scene. They sound absolutely perfect and identical to their albums (maybe Aaron's singing is a bit cleaner on the albums), they perform with enough energy to create about 5 atomic bombs, and there are so many other reasons why they are one of my top bands. I knew the set was going to be awesome because it started with a Gatorade bottle landing on me full of yellow Gatorade. Now my face and shirt were full of Gatorade. There isn't I can say to help someone imagine an Underoath set, it is truly an experience. Again, the songs are perfect and it is obvious they practiced their sets because they add theses amazingly intense and epic interludes between their songs. I wish they would just record those interludes and make an album. They ended their set with "In Regards To Myself." That sound of the film projector starting will forever be known to the screamo world through this song.

We wanted to try and catch a bit of the Saosin set before we left, but they overlapped Underoath more than I thought. We left Warped and headed to our traditional post-Warped Taco Bell dinner. This year we were joined by Jeff and first timer Ben. I felt bad for some people in my group because they didn't know many of the bands at Warped. I always safely have about 5 acts at Warped that I have to see. I'd like to think I am pretty diverse when it comes to music. Not as diverse as I once used to be, but I enjoy everything from pop-punk to hardcore. If it is good music, I can listen to it. Now I play the waiting game and prepare myself for that one special Sunday in August.

Thank you Warped Tour! And thanks for all my friends.
(And thank you to Meg&Dia and Warner Bros. Records for getting me in for free!)
(I hope this blog makes some sense, because I never proof read these shitty things. I may have wasted the last 2 hours of my life).