Nice. I finally tied up some loose ends that I left hanging in a few of my old blogs. Sucks that my blogs don't stand independent and how you have to read a bunch of them to get one idea. Oh well. Hopefully I will understand what I am talking up later in my life. Its kind of like those good weekly dramas that end when the show is at its most intense part. I remember its how I would always feel when I watched Dragon Ball Z haha. Its hard to believe that phase was 7 years ago now. 7 years ago I told everyone else to watch it and we sat in Dean's basement and drilled some DBZ episodes out. Mixed in some ping-pong and some Melee. Good times. When I think of those days I think of Culvers too. I haven't been to that place in so long. Maybe I will round the troops up and make a Culvers run. Might bring back some good memories.
Blogs have helped me focus my thoughts and vent so much. Its like having someone you can talk to and not be embarrassed to say something. You can talk about anything. Its always nice to get a little feedback from real life people too. And its much more comfortable hearing from real life people via blogs because you don't actually have to say personal stuff face to face. I think blogs have helped me become a more relaxed person. I'm the type of person that holds everything in and when it spills over I blow up. I never lash out at little things, but little things build up. So sometimes it looked liked I would spaz at the smallest things, and I guess I did, but it wasn't that simple. It was because of my hold it on personality. But with blogs, I can let go of some of the little things that bother me a little bit at a time. Why do I hold my feelings in and keep everything to myself? I'm not to sure why I do that. But the more I think about, I think its to protect the people around me. I don't want to put extra stress into their lives. Its my problem, why should they have to deal with it? Sometimes its their fault I feel stress, but again, I don't want them to feel bad so I just take it. Why don't I just reach out and ask for help? I don't fully know yet. I was asked the question on one of those chain bulletins, "What is your biggest fear?" and before I didn't know. But I think I know now, and my biggest fear is being alone. I think that is easily my biggest fear. So I think I keep myself apart from people, because I don't want them to know about my poor qualities. I don't want them to be offended by me and leave me. Maybe its because I don't want to get to attatched in fear I will be left in the end. Lots of reasons I guess. But when it all comes together, I am alone right now. I was also asked the question, "Who is someone you can be completely honest with?" and the answer was no one. I think I can tell my Mom anything, but there are language barriers that other parent child relationships don't have to fight. So it weakens our communication line. Other then my Mom, I truly don't have anyone I can tell everything to. And that is a fucking shame. My biggest fear is living alone, and yet I am living in that nightmare. One night at Applbees we brought up the question about love, and Andy said he wouldn't mind living alone. I never even thought of living alone and I don't think I could do it. How come I don't just share my feelings with everyone? What am I so scared of? I don't think I know these answers yet, but I will search. Right now, I think its mostly because I really do love people and I want to protect them. Slowly I've watched my blogs become more and more honest and real. I've grown. I thinking I am breaking out of this shell. But still, I can't share everything because I don't want to hurt peoples feelings and I don't want to mess with politics. In my last blog, there were names and things I couldn't talk about, because I know people can read these blogs. Maybe someday I can be completely honest, but not until everyone accepts me. Through out my WHOLE life, I've alway been concerned about not offending people and making other people comfortable. I've always thought about social politics before I said things. I was sooo cautious about other peoples feelings, that I completely ignored mine. I need to break out of a 20 year old habit. Blogs have started my way, but now I need to act like it in real life. I need to stop protecting other people so much, and start protecting myself a little. I've always had trouble saying that I love other people. One person who helped be break out of that sorry habit was Skye Peirce. One night in a phone converstation she said she loved me before she hung up, and for some reason I couldn't say it back. Then she came back and said, "I just said I loved you..." and only after that I forced myself to say it back. In highschool people acquaintances like Tony Seeman would always joke around and say I love you, but I couldn't joke around and say I love you back. Why?! It doesnt make us gay for loving each other as human beings. Thats not what I was scared of though. So really, what was holding me back? I don't know. Its such a serious word, and I don't feel comfortable throwing it out like that I guess. I guess I need to focus a little more attention on love and being honest with myself and others. Its something I will work on as I grow. Its going to be tough just to change it and to change it around people who are used to me being the way that I am. But if I don't want to be alone, I need to let people into my life. The best way to do that is to be honest with them, even if it means offending them from time to time, and to tell them that I really do love them. I need to wash away this nightmare. Maybe this is why Final Fantasy 8 and 7 are so appealing to me. Maybe subconsciously I role played the protagonists being me. If you have ever played the games, you know the heros internal struggles. I never thought of the parallels but they are there many. Maybe this is why I make parallels with the supporting acts and my friends (I will probably blog about this later for fun). At the end of Advent Children, Cloud says, "I'm Not Alone" and I choke up everytime. I don't even think about it, but maybe I am jealous. Maybe I don't actually like the amazing fight scenes and the CGI, maybe I am in love with the story? haha, I don't know. I got some fucked up internal defensive mechanisms that I don't agree with. (Papa Johns just dropped some pizza off, brb). Some good ass pizza. Totally lost my thought though, but it was worth it. Papa Johns Works Pizza is YUM! I'll just wrap this up quick then. I've been paying attention to my life a little more, found out I don't want to be alone anymore. I am going to be more honest and more loving. I will try to break from my style and write more honest blogs (Will be easier), and be more honest in person (Will be hard). Done. Glad that parts over.
Mitch picked me up from school on Monday and we had a good talk in the car. He brought up touchy subjects and I was cornered and had no choice but to tell him the truth. It wasn't so weird. It felt good. Maybe Mitch isn't as empty and numb minded as I thought. I've always thought he was a loyal and good friend, but I never thought he was smart (Oh god, the honesty begins). It made me feel good that I am moving in with him next year. I also think Dean is starting to understand how I view life a little better (I think he secretly tunes into my blogs) and that makes me happy that we will be all room mates next year. I had doubts, but they are both starting to wash those doubts away. I still have my doubts about Mitchel though, maybe he just had a moment. Sometimes it doesn't look like he has gears upstairs, where I know Dean thinks a little more. We will see, it should be an experience of a life time. We just need to work on Mitch's stinky ass feet! MY LORD they are bad! For people that are planning on some major melee in Jon's basement this weekend, smell his feet. BAD!
Here is something that bothered me last weekend. Andy said he passed up on smoking weed with a group of co-workers because he knew I disapproved. I played it off like I was proud of him but I wasn't. I don't want him not to smoke weed for me, I want him to do it for him. There is a long history behind all this and I don't care to write it out right now. Maybe someday I will blog about it when I have nothing to blog about (As long I have my zombie dream project, I will be blogging for a while). But I know he doesn't approve of smoking weed either, or at least he didn't. If he is against it, why do it? I remember the first time he tried it. Just a few days prior to the night he tried it, he was making fun of his sister for giving into social pressures. He was telling other peeople, "You know your little brother/sister are getting into weed. Thats bad." Then a few nights later, a group of people pressure him into trying it and he does. This comes back to my last blog about hypocrites. I hate them. So if he was trying to get people avoid the drug, and making fun of people who failed to stay clean, why is he avoiding it for me and not for himself? I don't want to get to deep into it and maybe rise some bad blood. I don't know who reads these things (I usually get 50 views per blog and 2 comments). And I don't want to damage anyones reputation. Its just confusing to me. And the night he tried it, I was close to him and he said something I will never forget. Everyone was passing it around and it came to me and I passed and then it went around to Andy and couldn't resist. After he took his drag, and everyone patted him on the back and gave him his props, he looked to me and said, "sorry." Sorry for what? Its your choice. Another friend had the exact same experience with one of his friends and his friend said the exact same thing. It bothered the hell out of my friend to. We didn't know why it bothered us, but we both knew it bothered us. I don't know. I wish I had my attention then haha. I think Jon just came over. End of blog. More later.
Apparently I can...
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