I am sick as fuck right now. This is what I get for having so much fun Sunday night. There needs to be balance between fun and work and I tipped the scale to far and now I am paying the price. Worth it bitch.
I noticed I use the F word plurally, Fucks. Does anyone else do that or is that just me? I haven't heard anyone else use it that way so I don't know where I picked it up. I like it though, its sexy as fucks.
I am hoping to take some good Melee notes this weekend so I can post the first offical Melee letter and second ever. If other people have some Melee input please write it out and send it to me so I can add it in. I'd like that. Maybe we will get famous someday for starting a Super Smash Bros. Melee newsletter. Haha, there are a lot of nerds out there. This is a reminder to self, but I plan to write out some old traditional rules that we made in the melee blog. Many of the traditions are not used anymore since a new wave of players have entered but I think it'd be fun to write them out. A bunch of unwritten rules and the idea behind of character claiming. I got a bunch of character questions this week and I think it would be helpful to clear that up.
Alrighty then, this is something I've wanted to blog about for a couple of weeks now but I haven't found the time to. Over this whole school year I've felt myself changing and growing (I think) as a human being. So many things have changed in my life and I've experienced so many new things and I've thought of so many new ideas and it all came at me so fast and at first. I wasn't able to focus all the energy coming at me but lately I've been able to sort everything out and it has been very beneficial. I think I've grown immensely. I've noticed my self being much more aware of everything going around me and I've been able to think more critically and spiritually about everything, but I still wasn't able to focus everything down to a fine line. A couple of a weeks ago we had a guest speaker in my Career Exploration class. Her job is to help people focus on the more spiritual and natural human elements of life. She is usually requested by business people who get burnt out because of their jobs. Those people basically become shells and they need her to instill life and a soul back into them. I've always thought this type of stuff was amazing. I'm not a fan of math and human made sciences but rather the natural ideas of life. Who really gives a fuck about a human made science when we don't even understand ourselves as human beings. This is another reason I think music is so amazing. Music moves our souls and makes us feel things (I believe this even more now after Underoath). But don't get me wrong, science has helped us all and hurt us all in many ways. I appreciate what science has done, but its just not for me to research. Lucky for the people who want to research that shit because thats where all the money is. No one gives a shit about finding out if we really have souls and why we are here. Religion has already answered that right? I'm a little to open minded to accept that right away. Anywho, I digress. Guest speaker. She had us do an quick exercise and it completely made sense to me. First she had us close our eyes and "listen" to everything around us for one minute. Before she gave us the sign, a bunch asked her what she you meant by "listen?" She would only explain by saying "Listen." She gave us the ready set go and for one minute the room was silent and we "listened." We discussed what we "heard" after the minute expired. Some people said they heard nothing, some people said they heard the heater rumbling. I heard the heater mumble and I heard my inner voice talking to myself trying to figure out what was going on. Then she told us that we were going to do it again. BUT, that this time we were to think about someone we hated or a time we were mad while listening. She gave us the ready set go and the minute began. Then we discussed what we heard. Some people told their stories about what they hated and others said they just heard the heater again. But those people who were really thinking about things they hated, did not hear the heater. Nothing special? Wrong! This is what she was looking for. She wanted to teach us about attention. Those people were paying so much attention to the things they hated, that things around them were passing unnoticed. If things pass our lives unnoticed, how do we know we are actually missing things? We are all ignorant, some more then others. Its really sad when people are ignorant about obvious social decencies. I know many people at this level. But again, I digress. Attention, what an amazing element of life we all ignore. She was able to put into words what I have been doing over this past year and expanded my vision even more. It just blew me away. She also said something about half of us don't even show up for our own lives. The quote blew me even further. So many people are narrow sighted, and thats really to bad. I've always felt that I see things differently then people but I've never been able to express it. Why? I'm not sure, maybe I was embarrassed, maybe I was scared, maybe I couldn't articulate my feelings, maybe I did it to protect the people around me (More on all this later). I just totally lost my thought. Fucks. I might have to end this section shorter then I planed. But ya, it was an amazing lesson. I was already growing and expanding my vision rapidly lately, but after that day, I took another big jump. If I can achieve a complete 360 degree range of vision on life, that would be amazing. Maybe the only way to obtain this skill is through meditation? I want to find out more about the human being. Not about the anatomy, which is also fairly interesting, but passed the guts and into the spirit and soul.
I think this vision and attention helps in all aspects of life. This is a very bad example, but Melee. Where Dean, Jon and I can see so many things blazing by in slow motion, others can't. Its weird for me to think that people have such a different range in vision. Maybe because I've always had fairly good "vision" and attention (Remember, I say everything humbly, even though it doesn't sound like it. But I need to be honest, more on this later). But even in Melee, I think I am separate from Dean and Jon. Its so hard to explain the way I feel because I just feel it and "see" it. Its to difficult to explain it someone who has less "sight" cause they just wont see it. I tried to explain it to Dean one time, and through time, I think he is finally understanding what I mean. Its nice to have someone understand you. Its nice not to be alone. Its fun to joke about.
Damn, my list of blog topics are all serious and kind of depressing. I guess its my inner "emo" coming out. I hate that word, but society understands that word and I will use it the way many people use it.
Here is a funny story that just happened to me though. This girl just tapped me on my shoulder and I turned around to say hi and she just sat there looking at me for about 5 seconds. I was like, okkkkaaaay (inside of course)...then she finally said oh, shoot, I thought you were a different person. Bitch, don't you know who I am!? I'm the mother fucking juggernaut bitch!
"Bitch, I've never seen you in my LIFE!"
Through all this attention, I've realized a quality of life that is REALLY important to me. Balance. I don't know how I am going to explain this. Again, I know what it is cause I just feel it and see it. I am not a very articulate writer. Definitely not a poet. Its hard for me to express my feelings in text. More of an intuition guy. But balance is something I really value. I hate hypocrites with all my heart and I avoid being one at all costs. But sometimes I look at my own values, and think, wow, you contradict yourself. But I've paid more attention to it now, and its not contradicting myself, its striking a fine balance. I take surveys online once in a while for fun and many times I find my self split on questions. Like for example (I dont know if its a good example) I might get a question like do you like organized settings or free settings? I like both! I like it being organized so it isn't complete chaos but I like it free because I hate being tied down. Its kind of like Donnie Darko's "Fear" and "Love" spectrum (I think those were the to sides). Oh, and I get questions like are you serious or humorous most of the time. I'm both most of the time! I take things very seriously, but humor is very important. I'm serious about humor. So I hope people don't look at me as a hypocrite, because I have my morals strait and although I might not be able to express my self sometimes, I am never being hypocritical. I think I have a very complex personality, deep and full of layers. Makes it hard to understand me sometimes. But loyalty is an important moral of mine, so it should give us plenty of time to learn about each other. I got asked the question, "What do you look for in your dream girl?" on one of them chain letters. And I didn't know how to answer it. I guess I could write out a 1,000,000 page novel explaining it out, but I'd rather not. But now I know how to explain it in a few short words. Balanced and complex. And Beautiful haha. I want her to be balanced and open minded like me. And I guess just good at living. I want her to be complex, so I can spend the rest of my days trying to figure her out. So I can spend the rest of my days falling in love with her more and more each day. I met this guy a few months ago (Bad follow up to my hopeless romantic column, haha, very bad) and he seems to have his shit together. I wish I could write out his name, but that'd just be a little to weird right now I think (more on this later). But he challenges himself and it just seems like he has a grip on things. I've only known him for a short while so I don't want to give him to much credit and be way off.
I have one more serious topic I wanted to bring up that kind of links in with all this personal shit but I have to roll soon for my Korean oral and I think I will just hold off until I get home.
So something random. I was thinking about how amazing Sunday night was and it made me think of the night we camped out for the Wii. That was really a fucking good time. Sure it was cold, and we were hungry, but it was sooo much fun. I wish I could go back to that night too. Sitting outside with my best friends goofing off and being the most charismatic group there. Bumping our music loud and singing along. Playing little football mini games. Playing 2v2 street hockey. Chatting. We waited for a long time, but it felt so quick. Just another one of those things I probably won't be forgetting for a long time.
20 years, or just 1 year?
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