Jenny Kallas

For some weird reason I have been struggling to make it through this school week. Usually this semester the weeks have gone by real fast, but this week has been slow as fuck.

Start this blog of with a couple of random questions. Are there gay animals? It seems like the question of whether homosexuality is right or wrong has come up a lot in my life lately. I could case less if someone wants to fuck a guy in the ass, I know my preference and thats what matter to me. But are there gay animals? No doubt humans are sexual creatures, but animals can be to so I wonder if its more instincts or if it's something society puts into our minds? Here is another question, if there is a after life, or you could think after you died, what do you think you would remember more -- The last good thing you did before you died? Or the last bad thing? I personally think bad.

I've been staying over Dean's place a lot lately and I've realized that people might be more diverse than I originally thought. I respect all the people that chill in Dean's room, but to me, they are kind of strange. Strange only in the sense that I've never encountered people like them, but they seem like semi-good people from what I've seen so far. This past Tuesday or maybe Sunday (who cares) two of Dean's friends were in the middle of what seemed like a heated argument but they were so calm and friendly about it. One would be like, "why are you being stupid?" then walk away and then come right back like 10 seconds later and ask the other person if they wanted to study. Then they would walk off together, then come back in and argue then leave together. I just know when I argue, I scream, yell, swear, I walk away and I think to myself, "fuck that person, I'll fucking kill him/her." Its a good thing I don't get into many heated arguments. So its kind of like what do you prefer: having one huge, everything boils over argument or having a bunch of little fights but always fighting? Another thing that fascinates me are the girls Dean hangs out with. Now I haven't known them that long, and I'm not around them that much, but from what I've seen, they are like human shells. Some of their qualities I envy. They seem so careless about everything and free. Nothing seems to register in them, they are free to speak their minds, they aren't politically correct or kind with words. I guess they would be what people stereotype as our average "California Barbie blond." I've never experienced such an extreme case of this stereotype though. I always told myself I would never date a girl like that, and after this, I still tell myself that. I just don't think I could be around a shell of a person for that long. I like having intelligent conversations. It's not a bad thing, I just think that its cool that there are so many different people around me and I just haven't noticed. Member my blog about how I need to show up for my life and I need to pay more attention?

Before I left for Chicago I watched The Departed and when I slept over at Dean's we tried to watch it but the people in the room were so oblivious it made it to hard. I hate it when people are like, "YA! That would be fun!" and then when you get there they go do other things. Anywho, its a sweet movie. Leonardo DiCaprio is a sweet actor. I never knew this because I always got the impression that he was in movies because of his looks. I read an article a long time ago that talked about how he was a bad actor and on top of that I've never really watched any of his movies. Leonardo DiCaprio is sweet and so is Mark Whalberg! "Feel the vibration!"

I recently denied a couple of friends about some serious things. It might haven been the first time I denied friends on something important and it felt kind of good. That sounds horrible, but usually I am willing to sacrifice a lot of things to make my friends feel good, and for once to do something that made me happy felt weird. I still feel bad that I had to do it, but there are a lot of mixed emotions. In psychology I learned about the "foot in the door" theory. That once someone takes the first step towards something, the rest becomes easy. They said once someone tries cigarettes and tries alcohol, that it makes it easier to try other drugs. Same goes for something you are scared of trying, once you try it a little, it makes it easier to dive in fully. I'm worried that I got my foot in door and now I will deny people left and right. I don't plan in making it a habit but it feels good.
I think I have a problem. I think my problem is that I try to be to perfect and I expect other people to try and be perfect. I think thats why I am beginning to hate people, but maybe it isn't their fault. I read in a Christian book that perfectionism is a sin, that no one should try to be perfect because its an impossible task. My whole life I've tried to be perfect. I try and make everyone around me happy and I try to make them feel comfortable. What if I let my defense down a little and let things hit me? I'm so careful not to offend people and to respect everything around me like it were the last thing on earth. Lately, I thought about just being impulsive. I think it would feel good not to ever give a shit and do what ever I fucking wanted. If I see a flock of hot bitches, well walk up to them and ask them whats up. If someone says something that bothers me, tell them to shut the fuck up (actually no, I know a lot of people that talk out of their asses and if I had to correct people on everything, I'd lose my voice). If someone bothers me or touches me, well fucking punch them in the face. I am to scared to try my "missing senses" test, but maybe I will test my self and be impulsive for a week. I will try and view people as creatures that will never be perfect and I will stop trying to be perfect myself. I will stop worrying about other people so much, and start worrying about me a little more.
Every time I think people around me are starting to treat me better, something always happens and knocks over all the blocks I've just been building over. I told myself maybe about a month ago that people are evil, don't treat them with respect because you will never get any. Basically I told myself it was a cut throat world and I need to sharpen my knife. But slowly that attitude died. I think I was born a nice person and it's just my makeup. I can't change it. Maybe some people were just born shitty people and they can't help that. Slowly my hate started changing back into love. I can't help it, I just want to help people. Then something always happens, usually a friend does something that ticks me off, that I would never do to them. And I start hating people knowing that soon I will love people. I can't win and it feels like I confuse myself. No one is doing this to me, I am doing it to myself. I know I am better then a lot of people in this world, I know if I challenge myself, I can do anything I want, but it is so hard to fight myself. How can I beat myself? Maybe I need to study more meditation.
Meditation has helped me so much. During our trip to Chicago I had a headache. I thought about it and told me self this pain is only my state of mind and that if I made it go away it would go away. I closed my eyes, turned on some music and I told my self to focus for a little while and force the pain away. Then I told myself to forget about it an not to think about for a long time. I did that and maybe 40 minutes later I caught myself and I thought about my headache and it was gone! I do this when I'm stressed out, I take some time and I breath and I listen to music and tell myself if I don't want to feel pain and that I don't have to. Some battles are larger and harder to over come, like some of my recent struggles. But meditation does amazing things I think. It's hard to get any sleep at Dean's because the people there are so loud, but recently I put myself to the test and I told myself, try to cut the noise out and it worked. I focused hard on the sounds for a couple of minutes and slowly one by one I eliminated each noise and then I told my self to think of something completely different. It worked. The next thing I remember is waking up to the sound of my alarm. Really crazy stuff. Makes me wonder if I study myself more, can I actually bend spoons with my mind? Could I toss cars with my energy? What if this stuff is actually possible but we as people have lost touch with our inner being and lost these abilities? Crazy stuff.
Maybe I'm just crazy. Tee hee!