Stop Glorifying Meal Prep!

Stop glorifying meal prep!
It's awesome that people are planning their food for the busy work week, but this is also a sad indicator that work-life balance is non-existent in our society. We all need to eat, so food shouldn't be something we manage but rather something that is supported and enjoyed.
Stop glorifying meal prep and demand you be treated like a human being. We are more productive than ever and compensation has not kept up. 

John Oliver's Show is a Gem!

John Oliver embodies, with actual success, all of my failed comedic endeavors. I've praised him before, but I still don't think he gets enough credit.
I grew up thinking I was going to be an "artist," but slowly learned I was no good at that. The creatives I looked up to always taught me that artists have a social responsibility to comment on the world around them. I hope I was able to capture that sentiment with whatever I did. John Oliver & Team does it with nuance, intelligence, humility, care, and while being incredibly funny.
In this episode he interviews Monica Lewinsky. How she was able to put her life together after going through a meat grinder is beyond me — I know I am not strong enough to have withstood what she went through. What an incredible individual with a great sense of humor.

Privilege & Fraud — Academia Is Still Important!

Academia is still a very important institution — it's a place where we: test ideas; gather & share knowledge; challenge each other; and give people the tools to navigate the complicated world around them. That is why the recent news about admissions fraud is even more disappointing. Those that value academia need not turn their back on it, but should be critical & honest about the ethical failures of these schools.

My parents worked multiple jobs and saved for years so that we could move to a nicer school district. In the end, I wasn't able to attend Wayzata High School because they re-did district borders (because you can't have the poorer part of Plymouth coming to such a pristine school). It all worked out for me because I met some of my best friends and had some of the best teachers at Osseo Senior High School. But this is why my professional career will be about breaking down barriers, giving people more access, and helping people to see privilege.

Growing Up Really Poor - Wage War Against Poverty

A little over a month ago I applied for the Krusell Fellowship. It's a program that helps people in developing communities with housing and other needs. In a portion of my application statement I shared a bit of my history growing up in South Minneapolis. I never felt poor growing up, but I learned later in life that my family was indeed very poor. My parents immigrated to America with almost nothing, and they could not find much traction here early on due to cultural and language barriers. There was virtually no way we could not have been poor during the early years of our family. Now that I am an adult, I better understand that we lived well under the poverty line, but I did not understand exactly how poor we were until recently.

There were only two occasions I ever felt poor growing up. I remember feeling poor after winter break would finish and all the kids would meet up at school and brag about their Christmas gifts. My friends would have a laundry list of gifts the received, but I hardly ever got more than one gift. The lack of Christmas gifts stopped bothering me when I entered junior high. I had to quickly overcome the envy because we moved to affluent Plymouth when I entered junior high. There was no possible way my parents could get us gifts that matched the gifts of my suburban friends. The only other time I remember feeling poor was when I was around second grade age. A friend of mine had me over for dinner one night. Milk and macaroni and cheese was served that night. That must have been the most, middle-of-no-where-Wisconsin-white-meal I have ever had up to that point. I thought it was delicious. I remember going home and bragging to my parents what was served for dinner at Kevin's house. It must have been a few weeks later that my parents weren't able to even put food on the table at home. I remember being especially hungry that night, and all we could afford was a slice of bread for dinner. I remember vocalizing my disappointment and frustration with my parents. I compared what we were having for dinner to what I had at Kevin's house only a few weeks prior. I know I can claim youthful ignorance, but it breaks my heart to think about how my parents must have felt in that situation as their first born child sat in the middle of the kitchen crying and complaining.

My father, mother, and 2 siblings shortly after we moved to Plymouth

My parents did a wonderful job shielding us from the a lot of the craziness that life throws at families (especially at families in need). They exposed us to the stressors of life in small doses to insure we weren't overburdened with concern while not missing out on important life lessons. I am forever grateful for their masterful balancing act. It is a bit strange researching your own family's history though. I asked my parents about programs we utilized to help us get to the place we are today. One of the greatest things to have come out way was a program my father had access to. It was a program that reimbursed his tuition at a technical college if he worked full time and kept his grades above a B average. It gave my father the economic mobility our family needed to pursue a decent standard of living and more educational opportunities. Our family used that program and food stamps to stay afloat, and I feel a bit of regret now as I feel as though I have not vocalized my defense for welfare enough after learning how food stamps helped my family tremendously. I have a lot of Republican friends (I did, after all, grow up in Plymouth) and I consistently see their anti-welfare posts on social media.

Why should people have access to an education if they can't afford it? Why should people get food stamps when they are just going to abuse the system?

I cannot say I have ever agreed with their sentiments and I do believe a social safety net is important (especially in a nation as wealthy and as "Christian" as ours). I am ashamed that I didn't defend the people who aren't that much different than my family more vehemently. To be negligent of their needs is to fail morally. Henceforth, when I see people bashing social programs that work and that saved families like mine, I will take it as a personal affront. To take these programs away from people in need is to create a vacuum is misery, and certainly you have a little more compassion than that.
Our application statements for the Krusell Fellowship were limited to two-pages. I dedicated a paragraph to my family's history. It took forever to write and it was heartbreaking. Imagine me in my dimly lit room hacking away at my keyboard with vision blurred from the tears running down my face. I have it exponentially good because of my parents, but also because there is a community and system that is willing to lend a hand. I cannot begin to summarize the level of malice some people must have to want to deny people access to these programs of mobility. There are families out there that are treading water and all they need is a little assistance to find solid ground and run inland. I am hoping to soon be in a position to search the sea for these people.

Oh, one last thing. I did not get the fellowship, but life goes on.

Amazing Couple To Spend Entire Year Exploring United States

Meet Carl and Anna. They started an amazing project called US ANYWHERE at the start of 2016 where they will explore every state in these United States. You can see some of the photos they took and videos they made here, but you'll want to follow their travels for the remainder of the year.


Introducing US Anywhere from US Anywhere on Vimeo.

Here is my interview with Carl:

Min: Could you please explain what this project is about and what sparked the idea for this project?
Carl: My wife Anna and I are both native Minnesotans. We both grew up camping and have cultivated a love of travel domestic and abroad. But despite being passionate about these things, we’ve had difficulty making time for them in our busy lives. I’m a filmmaker by trade, and have developed a body of work organically by filming projects in my spare time involving friends and nature. These personal projects have led to job opportunities, and I found myself working in advertising, most recently doing work for Minnesota tourism. The idea for this project struck me a couple of summers ago, when my friends and I drove out to Glacier National Park for a backpacking trip. On our way home, I got stuck with the red-eye shift driving through North Dakota. I was white-knuckled as I tried to avoid hitting the seeming thousands of deer- but as the sun started to come up, it dawned on me that North Dakota could be truly breathtaking. I realized that I would love to come back to shoot something. At the same time, I realized that if I could find something interesting to shoot in North Dakota, an oft-maligned state, I could probably find something to shoot in every state. I started doing the math about how long it would take to shoot a short video about a state- and I decided a week would be about right. From there, it works out almost perfectly.  If you spend a week per state, it rounds out to almost exactly a year (if you include a week for Washington DC and a week in case anything goes wrong.) The concept of spending an entire year on the road and visiting every state was too compelling to pass up. I told Anna what I was thinking about, and she was immediately on board. We spent the next year and a half saving up and planning before launching the project in 2016. Our aim is to have a great adventure in seeing all of the USA, but to make creative work in the process so that we can bring people (virtually) along for the ride.


M: Were you ever worried this project wouldn't be possible leading up to the start of it?
C: There were a lot of times that we doubted our ability to do something so time-consuming and costly. The logistics alone are so complicated and daunting. We’d never even trailer camped before, and were talking about doing it for an entire year! However, I have a stubborn streak- once I’ve made up my mind that I’m doing something, I’m doing it. It was going to take a lot to prevent us from going- and luckily, we managed to pull it off!



M: What has been the toughest thing about the project so far? 
C: We absolutely underestimated how hard it would be to travel so quickly. We knew the week-per-state framework was ambitious, but we didn’t understand just how ambitious until we learned how long it takes to set up and take down camp, and how traveling with a camper has its own unforseen delays (slower speeds, more frequent stops for gas, fewer accessible places, more difficulty parking, etc.). This also makes our logistics a bit trickier, since we want to be flexible- RV campsites are limited and fill up quickly, so we have to be more forward-thinking than we’d like when planning future states. Also, the lack of WiFi is killer! We’d assumed it would be easy to keep connected from the road, since we have such an easy time with it at home (if it’s not at your house, it’s at work, or at a coffee shop, library, etc.) We’ve quickly learned that public wifi can be hard to find when you’re not in a city, and connection speeds are slow to nonexistant at most campgrounds. This has made working and planning tough!



M: What has been the most fulfilling and coolest thing you've seen so far?
C: We took a risk by starting in Wisconsin- the first week in January isn’t the friendliest time to be there by a long shot (especially if you’re camping!) But the gorgeous sunsets in Door County, ice-covered branches and snowy landscapes turned out to be just as beautiful as we’d hoped. Even though we were freezing our butts off, we were experiencing midwestern winter at its best, and we knew the decision to start there had been worth it.


US Anywhere: Wisconsin from US Anywhere on Vimeo.

M: Have expectations changed now that you've been on the road for a while?
C: They definitely have. For one, we’d planned to release videos about each state as we went, weekly- alongside blogging and posting to other various social media. We’ve quickly realized that all of that on top of moving so quickly leaves almost no time for the actual experience of the trip, which should really be the main point! We’ve had to scale back on the videos (for now, it’s still the plan to release a video for every state, but they will be released as I finish editing them, and actual experience will be the focus.) That means I’ll have a fair amount left to edit when I get back, but it will be a fun way to extend the experience of the trip! We’ve also realized that (aside from the northeast) the states are really big! We’ve started to become more focused in our planning.  Honing in on specific areas within each state, so we can have more in-depth experiences.



M: Now that you've explored the country a bit, what is one thing, in general, that even citizens of the United States might not know/expect about our own country?
C: The United States is an incredibly accessible place. Even though it’s massive, it can be surprisingly easy to get around.  Having grown up in the middle of the country, I always thought of the coasts as being so far away. I had only ever flown to the oceans, but it’s entirely possible to drive there in just a few days. If you get some friends together and take turns driving, you can go anywhere. With the current price of gas, there’s never been a better time.



M: If people wanted to stay in touch, follow your journey, and/or contribute to your journey, how can they do that?
C: We keep our channels up-to-date with lots of photos, fun facts, state recaps, and videos. OUR WEBSITE (USANYWHERE.NET) is a great resource where everything is pooled (and links to our Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Vimeo and mailing list can all be found there, too). We can be reached on all of those channels, but the best way to reach us is to shoot us an email at us@usanywhere.net! The best way for people to contribute to our journey is to share it with others that might be interested and to pass along their knowledge and suggestions. We rely heavily on input and suggestions from others when deciding what to do in a particular state!

When Someone Alters Your Life

On Thursday I learned that I will be starting a new chapter in my life later this year. It was a joyous day, but usually when one chapter begins, another one must end. As I begin to ink the first page of my new academic career, I might have punctuated the final period to my Christian career. I was born a Seventh-Day Adventist and I have been attending the same church for all 29-years of my life. Around the age of 21, I went on a spiritual journey that exposed me to many ups and downs. Over the last 5-years, I've grown into a comfortable atheist. I settled on being a huge skeptic about the physics of Yahweh, a lover of Jesus Christ's philosophies, and a continuing member of the church. The last remaining connective tissue between the church and I were long time members of my church and my pastor. This Saturday was my pastor's final day at the Minneapolis Korean Seventh-Day Adventist church. Pastor Kim came into my life at the perfect time. Had he not come when he did, I might have lost my connection to my church. My frustrations about religion were cooling, but hadn't completely hardened. He showed me that there is still space for love in religion and Christianity. He strengthened our youth group by opening the church doors wider than they had ever been opened, and by making his personal home, everyone's home. He never put himself above anyone, and treated everyone he interacted with like royalty. He was quick to nurture the ideas of other people (Without him A Night Back In Korea wouldn't have been possible). He embodied what Jesus Christ is to me.

With tearful goodbyes, we watched him and his wonderful family begin their new journey to Los Angeles. For every kind statement written about Pastor Kim, two equally great comments could be written about his wife. There will be an immense void at our church, but I am so happy for the church in L.A that will be adopting Pastor Kim. He will bring many great examples of love through his words and especially his actions. His children and his beautiful wife will enhance their new community exponentially. Thank you for changing my life, Kim Family, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Mission Accomplished! So, What's Next?

I sleep with my cell phone charging on my lamp stand. I do that so I have a fully charged phone to start my day, but also because I use my cell phone as my alarm clock. During weeks I abuse the snooze button, I will set my alarm song to something really aggressive. Imagine waking up to the sounds of Slipknot, As I Lay Dying, or Cradle of Filth. When I wake up, I normally shut my alarm off, and I check my e-mails. I have this horrible fear that I'll wake up and I'll have e-mails from people at work telling me I talked about something on-air that I wasn't supposed to talk about, or that I completely missed something. It's probably not a healthy thing to always be concerned about, but I'm not totally confident in my radio ability. In fact, feeling insufficient is probably an issue I will carry around with me for a long time. I guess the silver lining is that it always keeps me on my toes and open minded.

I move onto my personal inbox after I finish checking my iHeartMedia inbox. Yesterday, I had my usual spam, an e-mail from the Bernie Sanders campaign, and an e-mail that stuck out. It was from The University of Minnesota Graduate Admissions and the subject line was titled, "Subj: University of Minnesota - Application For Admission Decision". I locked my phone, stared at the ceiling for a second, and re-opened my phone. The e-mail was still there, and I didn't know what to do. A normal person might've quickly opened it, logged into their U of M account, and uncovered the University's decision, but not me. That lack of confidence slowly crept in again, and I thought, "Wouldn't it be awful to start your day with a rejection letter?" It's the sad way I approach everything that involves an appraisal of me (My job, girls, sports, etc).

I rolled out of and made by bed, started my morning routine, but I couldn't get that e-mail off my mind. I booted my computer up, because everything on desktop is better than mobile. I'm not here to brag about my computer, but I have some pretty sweet specs, and my operating system is on a solid state drive, so I only have to wait seconds to use my computer. I opened the e-mail, logged into my U of M account, and clicked on a link to open the University's decision. I decided before I did all of this to not raise any expectations. That way the fall back to reality would hurt less on impact. How incredibly shocked I was when the first word I read was, "Congratulations."Well, technically, I first skimmed over the date, my name, my student ID, and then congratulations.

The feeling of being lifted away on cloud nine is not something you feel every day, and difficult to describe. If this gives you something to compare it to, it's the opposite of having your heart broken. That's a feeling I know better. Heartbreak starts in your chest, and you feel a ripple work its way out from there. It feels like your blood is being drained, your body temperature drops, and your soul feels heavy. I quickly picked up my phone and called my mother. She had been pressuring me over the last week to send an e-mail to inquire when a decision might be made on my application. In typical fashion, my call went to my mother's voice-mail. I followed that up by telling my dad, texting people that helped me with my application process (recommendation letters, proof reading my statement letter, etc.), and I thanked a few teachers that helped me with this journey. It was actually my high school civics teacher that put me on a path to public service. There was no way I could have appreciated his teaching methods at the time as my mental capacity wasn't all there yet. His non-indoctrinating, nurturing, and engaged way of teaching really unlocked my desire to connect to and help the world.


This idea of applying to the Humphrey School of Public Affairs started about a year ago at church. It was a couple of months into the new year, and like I do every year around that time, I assessed my life and attempted to project what the next year would look like. I shared some of my concerns with a lifelong friends. In actuality, she's more of a sister as I've known her since she was in elementary school. I listened to what she wanted to accomplish in 2015, and I told her how I felt about my prospects. I hit a wall at work, I was underemployed, I wasn't engaged in any creative freelance projects, and I really wasn't working toward anything. I felt like an idiot, but she peeked my interest by telling me that the Humphrey School of Public Affairs might be a good fit for me. Although I've known my friends for many years, and I adore her, I never deeply talked to her about politics nor policy (although I should have considering she had been attending the Humphrey School of Public Affairs). She probably assumed the school might be something that matches me because I can't seem to stop commenting on social issues on Facebook. The more she told me about their Master's in Public Policy program, the more I was intrigued. I took some time to think about all the information she had shared with me, and I followed up one day. After receiving more input from her I decided to at least apply. I mean, what's the harm in that? I e-mailed the fine people working in admissions, and of course the deadlines for the year had all passed. I was encouraged to still apply, but also warned about the limitations. My ignorant little boy mind also didn't factor in all the time, effort, and money that went into the application process. What's the harm in applying? Studying for the G.R.E exam after not doing anything school related for years, paying for the expensive test, reaching out to people for letters of recommendation, and crafting an application that gloats about your attributes without sounding like a jerk. I have never been all that good at self-promoting. When it was all said and done, it was too little, too late. I was told to try again in 2016, and I fully intended to do that.

What I lack in confidence, I might make up in determination. Confidence totes a line with arrogance, and determination a line with stubbornness. Given the option between arrogance and stubbornness, I take stubbornness every time. There is no way to disguise arrogance, but at least I can claim my stubbornness is conviction. I took a fresh approach, and started the entire process again. Things got a bit rocky in November with the passing of a close friend. My G.R.E exam was creeping up, but I had no desire to prepare for it as I tried to sort out the concept of death. It's the closest I've ever dealt with death, and I couldn't make sense of it for a long time. In fact, I still haven't, but I have gotten to a point where I can compartmentalize it enough to function.


Fast forward to yesterday. After learning I had been accepted to the Humphrey School of Public Affairs, I thanked everyone I needed to thank, and I skipped out the door to work. When I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2009, I thought I would never call myself a student again. I'm always a student of life, but I never thought I would be a student in an institutional setting. Well, here I am gearing up to return to the University of Minnesota in the fall of 2016. So what's next and what I am I expecting? I guess I don't really know. I know it's going to get really crazy with work, school, and trying to get involved in anything I can. I foresee my social life shrinking, decreased visits to the gym, and unless I can tie my creative side into my school work, I don't see that getting a lot of attention either. That might not sound great, but I am really looking forward to it. For so long I've been spreading myself thin, and I longed for something to put all my focus into. This feeling of excitement and focus is something I haven't felt since my first boss at Cities 97 hired me.

My focus for the next couple of years will be to gather the tools and knowledge to better myself so I can better the lives of the people in the communities around me and the communities itself. I will chase a life of academia and social work. Clearly I can toss that dream of becoming a millionaire into the trash bin now. Some of my church members recently suggested that I go back to school to study business. Given the options of business school or social work, I think, Jesus would have chosen social work. I'm of the millennial generation so a job that makes you happy takes priority over a higher paying job. My family is of the proletariat class. It is a class of people I admire and value, and hopefully it will soon be my duty to protect the proletariat class.

 

Meatheads Galore

The gym is one of my favorite places to play sociologist. As a timid member of the male gender, I am fascinated by the machismo culture that is accepted and promoted at the gym. I will, in screenplay format, share my latest hyper-masculine observation at Life Time Fitness.

The following is based on a true story.

Meatheads Galore 

Int. - Weight Room.
BEVIS and his pal, BUTTHEAD, are working out at a high end fitness center in their neighborhood. The weight room is stuffed with people as the two are working out during peak hours. They are using dumbbells and spotting each other. After what seems to be an especially difficult set, Bevis slams the dumbbell onto the floor and the noise of the weight echoes through the room.

BEVIS 

Woo! Dude, I've bee going really fucking hard on arm day lately. Plus, I got this new shit and it's making me jacked.

BUTTHEAD 

Fuck-yeah man. I was like 160 like three months ago. Now I'm like 168 and cut.

Both Bevis and Butthead are speaking at an unnecessarily excessive volume and occupying too much space. Other members of the gym turn to look at Bevis and Butthead as they have, against their will, eavesdropped on Bevis and Butthead's conversation. Butthead now takes the dumbbell into his possession and begins his set of bicep curls. Meanwhile, Bevis takes an enormous swig of the concoction he has in his mixing bottle while flexing and looking out the corner of his eyes to the mirror in front of him. Bevis exhales when he finishes drinking and wipes his mouth with his forearm. Bevis then adjusts his focus to Butthead.

BEVIS 

Don't quit on me. Give me three more reps, mother fucker! Come on!

Butthead, in manly fashion, grunts as he wills three more reps. At the conclusion of his third rep, Butthead drops the dumbbell, again letting out cacophonous echo throughout the room. As Butthead jumps out of his seat, he lets out a tremendous bellow.

BUTTHEAD 

Fuck-yeah, dude. Last time I got with Jenny she was loving the guns.

The end.

Is Bernie Sanders Too Smart For Us?

One of the most influential books I have read in my lifetime is "Looking Forward" by Jacque Fresco (A new hardcover copy of the book is going for $448 on Amazon). The book was published in 1969 and was way ahead of its time. One would assume having that sort of foresight would be a good thing, but I think it would be burdensome (Look at what they did to Jesus Christ). Jacque Fresco was quickly deemed a fringe thinker, and I see many doing that with Bernie Sanders. I would love to see someone with a prophetic like vision drag the rest of us knuckle-draggers into a more prosperous future. Many critics claim that Sanders is clueless on foreign affairs, and that may prove to be true, but he has the right outlook on war and wasn't wrong about the Iraq War.

Racism Is Alive And Well

This video has been popping up in my feed a lot lately. I've been reading the comments and it's very apparent we approach racism the same way we approach illness. We're very adept at recognizing the symptoms and remedying them, but in our fervor the cause(s) often slithers by out of sight. I wrote an op-ed for a blogging site a few years back where I touched on how racism is much harder to clearly show to others these days. I described it as a "Veiled Racism". Racism in the form of physical and verbal harassment, relatively, aren't as prevalent these days. I believe racism has become more crafty, and it has found a cozy home within systemic racism. Mr. Pisone has failed to keep up with the evolution of racism, and now finds himself in hot water. What I find troublesome is when racism of Mr. Pisone's nature is documented, we can get everyone on board. But when evidence about systemic racism is presented, it is often written off as "Liberal Sympathy". Don't be distracted by how raucous the symptoms of racism are, but focus on the cause.

I'm Lost

In 2007, I wrote over 200 entries in my blog. I doubt most entries were profound or anything worth reading, but I remember writing whatever was on my mind because I found it therapeutic. I was going through a major identity crisis, and I remember waking up feeling afraid and depressed everyday. I somehow slowly drifted away from writing my thoughts out. I do not know what the catalyst was that created that change, but a shift happened. I feel like I've been carrying around a heaviness lately. I don't think it's one element that is creating this feeling, but rather a collection of stressors. I've been cramming for the GRE exam and preparing my application for Humphrey School of Public Affairs. Both those items probably would make any able and normal person feel at least a little anxiety. On top of that, I feel as though my discomfort is compounded as I still try to compartmentalize the concept of death. It's been over a month since Mitchell died and his funeral. However, I still catch myself falling into these stupors where I am swimming on my own thoughts. I've had trouble falling asleep a couple of nights this week. I'm low on energy, although the lack of sleep might have something to do with that. On Sunday, I almost texted Mitch to ask him if he wanted to watch the Minnesota Vikings game together. The nihilist in me tells me to let go of it. The teenager in me wants to scream and cry. The adult in me whispers to be strong and patient. Reality tells me I'm really confused. I've never dealt with uncertainty well, although I've been surrounded by it most of my life. Maybe writing will help. It's worth a shot. Just ramble on this vast digital canvas.

My Friend Mitch

-Eulogy-

There are far too many noble traits about my brother, Mitchell Hausdchildt, to unpack them all today. But, if there is 2 qualities that I want people to remember about Mitch, it is that he was beyond generous and loyal. When our circle of brothers gathered on the Sunday after his death as we tried to make sense of what happened, our brother Andy put it best: "Mitch was the most ferociously loyal person I have ever met".

I met Mitch when I moved from Minneapolis to Plymouth to attend Maple Grove Junior High. I had no friends at this new school, and I was a part of a completely different environment. My family moved from a mostly inner-city setting to a predominately middle-class and Caucasian community. To put it simply, I stuck out at school. How fortunate I was to randomly sit next to Mitch during lunch. I thought I was going to sit all alone and keep to myself, but since day 1, Mitch was my brother and protected me. He didn't have to defend me every time I was reminded I was an outsider, but he did, because that's the kind of person he was.

Our friendship would continue to blossom. Mitch fell in love with my neighborhood friends and he would soon show them the same level of generosity and loyalty he did to me. My neighborhood friends and I would gather every day after school, but Mitch lived 5 mile away. Which might not seem like a lot, but to a middle schooler without a car and many options, it certainly is a distance not easily covered. Mitch would ride his bike over every day after school to make sure he saw us. I would let him know that he didn't need to make that journey on days it was 100 degrees and humid, or 10 below zero and snowy, but no barrier was too great for Mitch.

Mitch would constantly let us know how much he loved us. From the first time he invited us over to his mom's house so we could have our very first eating contest, to anytime someone fell ill or injured them self, and to the countless bonfire we had. Every time Mitch and I had one of our deep conversations, we would always end it with: "I can't wait until we're all 50, and we are having these same conversations looking back at all the good times we had". My brother, Mitch, we are looking back at all the love you shared, and how happy you made us. And we promise you, that when we're all 50 and looking back at our lives, that you will be there.

Shush - Listen To A Story

I love story telling. 
I don't necessarily mean me telling stories. I'm a decent story teller at best, but I love the idea of "story telling". This concept of just being silent and having this composer take you down this path, have you see things that they want you to see, and have you feel things they want you to feel. It's a really big, generous, and abstract concept. You can captivate, entertain, and educate people with just this one thread. 
I've been really making an attempt to just shut up and listen to other people more. Trying to widen my views and find inspiration through others. I'm the sort of person that's always swimming in my own mind and thoughts, but even more so these last few months. However, what I want right now is for other people to tell me stories. However big, and however small. I want to know how buying a toothbrush was a scientific endeavor for you the other night because of the diversity of toothbrushes. I want scientists to teach me about the Higgs boson.
I've been trying this new thing where I try to grab coffee with someone I haven't seen for a very long time at least once a week. Catch up, listen to their story, and just chat. It's been very rewarding and very refreshing. In fact, I just had a very nice conversation with a pal earlier today. I'm also that nerd that loves watching interviews. I don't remember how I ended up watching this (I fell into one of those YouTube spirals), but I loved what Chris Evans had to say. "Brain noise". I so badly want to shut off my brain noise sometimes. More often than not, I drag myself down with my thoughts. So, just tell yourself "shush", and, as Evans added, push yourself into what seems scary. It all made a lot of sense to me.

Debate: Does Science Refute God?

This was a lively debate that I had never seen before. 
The Christians (D'Souza + Hutchinson) didn't say anything that shifted the core of my stance, but I found myself nodding yes to a couple of their points. Especially when they discussed morality. I'm glad that the Christians didn't fight the notion that Christian morals are good morals because they are not. However, my nihilistic side did agree with the Christians that we do not know why we decided kicking a dog is wrong (I am glad that we did, but dogs are amazing creatures). Morals don't intrinsically exist in the cosmos. We constructed them so that we wouldn't have to live in fear every waking and resting moment of our lives.



This is pretty cool format for debates. It's quicker and I'm glad the speakers can step on each other from time to time and address each other like they are in the same room (Because, well, they are). I prefer it over formats where someone gets 5 minutes to address an opponent as if they were in another room. It really forces a debater to to clarify and support their stance. 

Alone In White - A Reoccurring Dream

I have this reoccurring dream that I will detail below, but I think I finally caught on to when it comes back. I don't remember the first time I had the dream, but I realized this time it always happens when I'm going through an existential crisis. When I have questions about what I am doing, where I am going, what I should be doing, what I have done, and so on. I seem to always go through these cycles. I always get to a point where I ponder a lot, I ask a lot of questions, and then act on what I gathered. It usually results in me being pleased about working toward something, but then I get semi-complacent. I casually ride the steady waves for a bit, and then I find that I need to re-organize and re-boot. I always need to improve myself. I worry that I am going to waste my life. This reoccurring dream isn't set in reality. I am on an island with my friends and family. The island doesn't sit in the middle of a body of water. Instead, it is surrounded by nothing. If you sit on the edge of this island and look out, it appears like a giant white wall is in front of you. However, there is no telling where the wall starts and ends. Try imagining a horizon of "nothing", or at least the closest we can imagine "nothing". What I mean by that is, even if you imagine "nothing" you are imagining something. It is impossible for us to imagine nothing, but that is a different blog. The island isn't as depressing as it sounds. I am there with my friends and family and the island is self sufficient. There is clean water, the climate is comfortable and great for producing plenty of food. The island isn't big and a lot of times we have to plot out the area carefully, but it's just enough to live comfortably and happily. Everyone on the island is happy, however, we are planning to leave. There is a promise that a ship will come and take us from this island. When you take a step off the edge of the island, you don't fall into water like a normal island. You just fall. And you probably fall forever because there seems to be no floor. Everyone is diligent about never flirting with the edge of this island. The day the ship is supposed to arrive comes up. We pack and prepare the day before. Things get hectic, but we know just a single day of meticulous planning and work and we will be set free. Night comes and everyone is asleep, but I'm unable to do so because of the anticipation. I get up to check everything over one last time. All our belongings are near the edge of the island because we wanted to load the incoming ship as quickly and efficiently as possible. As I am checking over everything a piece of the island crumbles and I lose my footing. I slip, but I'm able to grab on to the edge of the island. I need assistance, but I can't produce a sound. I don't worry too much because I know everyone will be up soon and will come to where I am because they will need to board the ship. Eventually the time comes and everyone works quickly to load everything we organized the day before and hop on the ship. As I hang on the edge with my forearms burning, I watch the ship leave. I try mightily to yell, but still nothing. I justify in my head that someone will eventually recognize that I am not there with them. After all, they are my closest friends and family. I tell myself to focus on gripping the island and that I should see the ship returning in no time. Days pass and I feel my grip becoming weak. My forearms are on fire and my knuckles are ready to burst. I don't know how much longer I can hold and there is still no ship in sight. I haven't heard a single sound produced by this universe of nothingness. Then I wake up. I always feel uneasy, and I don't know what to think of this dream (maybe nightmare). I usually shrug it off until I have it again. There is probably a lot of symbolism in there and something I'm trying to tell myself. Maybe I should pay attention more.

Predestined To Go To Hell?

I don't understand why my brain is this way, but I'm constantly thinking about the future. I have these really heavy and often depressing existential discussions with myself about my personal future and the future of the world. Obviously my own personal interest makes sense, and why I care so much about my neighbors and the world is another premise (But really, why wouldn't you?). Maybe because I was raised Christian (Seventh Day Adventists to be more specific), but religion always enters the discussion (Obviously if you follow me on Facebook, right?). Religion is a topic that brings me great entertainment. It gives me something to always talk about. It's a lot of fun to talk about and ponder in a serious setting and really easy to joke about in a light setting. Religion is also a topic that brings me great frustration and often makes me depressed. It makes very little objective sense and some of the evil that if produces breaks my heart. There is a sect of the Christian community that believes in predestination. This idea that their god has an infallible "Grand-Plan" or "Master-Plan". It is objectively impossible to believe in a grand-plan when the recipe also includes an omnipotent and all loving god because there is way too much suffering and pain in this world for that to pass any test of logic (or reason, I will add). However, I sometimes wonder what if Christians are right and there is a master-plan. I attend a Presbyterian Bible study class. I explained to others a couple of times recently that I don't attend churches and expect people to throw away their beliefs just for my visit. The members of my Bible study group know fully that I am agnostic and know that I don't believe in the idea of a master-plan. It would be incredibly stupid of me and rude if I went to a Presbyterian church and expected people to not believe in a master-plan just because I was there. Recently I started thinking that if predestination is true, I have been chosen by the Christian god to go the hell since the beginning. He knew from the get go that at the age of 21, I would start to question my faith and go on a spiritual journey, and that 2 years later with the help of the Bible (I consider the Bible the quickest way to become atheist), many discussions and sleepless nights, educators, and books, that I would become an atheist, then an anti-theist, and then that I would go through a state of apathy and then eventually settle on agnostic. If predestination is true, I was chosen by god to go the hell from the start. Maybe I really was predestined to be this way. I remember around 4th grade in Bible study class, we were discussing what heaven might be like. My youth group leader at the time told me that heaven would be happy and beautiful. Even at that young age that was too general for me. Really, what does happy and beautiful even mean in that context? That didn't help me assemble my image of heaven in the slightest. I asked him to specify and he went on to tell me everything is the cleanest of white, that everyone would have mansions and plenty to eat, and that the streets were paved with gold. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Well, even in the 4th grade that sounded like a waste of resources. I asked him what is the purpose of paving the streets with gold? It doesn't really give us any advantage, it's arrogant and again, a complete waste of gold. At that time, I was 110% a god fearing Christian boy. I knew that if I didn't do what the Bible told me, that I would go to hell. I prayed when I woke up, I prayed before breakfast, I prayed before lunch, I prayed before dinner, I gave quick prayers before snacks, I prayed when I was bored, I prayed when I was lonely, I prayed when I was worried, and I prayed before bed. And these weren't your scripted and recited prayers. Each prayer was genuine and original. How could such a dedicated, god fearing Christian boy question what heaven looked like? Fast forward to 7th grade. I was told in Bible study class that every man on this earth had one less rib than every woman on this earth because woman was created from the rib of man. I was a 7th grade boy carrying around with me an immense misunderstanding of the human body. They had raped my mind and ruined my view of the world. When I learned in my (secular and awful public school) health class that my understanding of the human body was incorrect I was embarrassed. Looking back as a grown man I am infuriated. Why would the church do that to a young boy? Why would they disadvantage and fuck a little boy so hard that his understanding of the world could be so off? So, I went back to church and I needed answers. So, what if I was born an atheist/agnostic? What if I am predestined to be this way? I can see instances where I have always questioned the church even as a little boy. Why would an all loving god sentence me to a life in hell from the very beginning?

My Deconstruction Of The Bill Nye and Ken Ham Debate

(The spacing is a bit different than my Word document and I do apologize). It has taken me a while, but I finally found the time to finish the debate between Bill Nye and Ken Ham. I have the benefit of watching a recorded version so I am able to pause and take notes when something interesting is said. I am very excited to hear both perspectives and I hope that I walk away having learned a lot. I, however, am disadvantaged as I was forced to watch the entire 2 hour 45 minute debate between several dates. Hopefully the notes I took along the way prevent me from disconnecting any major points of the debate. A lot of us know Bill Nye regardless of religious beliefs or lack of. If you had any sort of normal childhood in the '90s and a television, you probably saw his show. When I was young, I thought Bill Nye was just an actor but it turns out he is an actual scientist, engineer, and genius. Not only that, but he had the privilege of learning from Carl Sagan (Another personal hero of mine). During the Superbowl, Neil deGrasse Tyson and Seth MacFarlane's teaser for The Cosmos aired. A re-make of the brilliant series by Carl Sagan that aired in 1980 and I am very much looking forward to it. I did learn that some people don't take Nye seriously because of his Emmy winning background, a position I disagree with. I cannot make the connection as to why being a successful Emmy winning producer, writer, and host should take away from your credibility as an engineer and scientist. As Nye explains in his closing statement, when you're in love, you want the world to know. Ken Ham is probably not a household name, but that doesn't mean he should be discredited (The same way I don't think Nye should be discredited because he is known). I have only gotten snippets of Ham so I don't know too much about him. I know he is one of those people that believe that dinosaurs and humans once roamed the earth together. I do feel a bit sorry for him because he wants so badly for science and religion to co-exist. Perhaps that is possible, most likely unreasonable, but no one is here to tell him that it's impossible. I've seen interviews with plenty of Catholics leaders that believe in science and religion and do a good job of separating the two. Mr. Ham (At least in the material I have seen him in) fails to separate religion and science when it is necessary and is willing to suspend facts to support his own belief. (And now that I have completed the debate, I believe in this position even more). I felt like the opening statements portion was the most bearable and "reasonable". Reasonable in the sense that both sides made their points, interests were raised, and you wanted to hear more. The second half increasingly became frustrating because of Ham's inability to answer any of the questions or address any of the challenges that went his way. I'm so glad Mr. Nye addressed this strange idea of "observational" science and "historical" science. It's difficult to understand why the scientific method applies to one, but not the other. He did a great job handling a strange idea that he was exposed to for the very first time. It's very difficult to break down a new idea on the stop. It's much more fair to have an idea, to sit and examine it, and to pull it apart and put it back together before you can explain it in full. Nye wasn't afforded this luxury and was still impressive enough to dispel this kooky and random method of operating. But not all my frustrations in the opening statement were directed at Mr. Ham. I was already growing impatient with Nye's call to scientific support. I absolutely support this idea that we need to inspire the next generation of scientists and I absolutely believe that humans will only thrive as far as reason, intellect, and scientific advancement will allow us to. But stop taking this "patriotic" angle and just debate Ham. Win the debate, and inspiration will generate itself because no one will want to go down the path of Ham. I am glad that Mr. Ham was able to address something a lot of Christians are afraid to address these days. It's no longer dangerous to be in support of equal rights when it comes to the LGBT community. Many of us know this line of thinking doesn't quite jive with the Christian way of thinking. Mr. Ham claims that humanists, secularists, and scientists have hijacked the word "Science". He also claims that those groups of people also are out to indoctrinate children. They aren't. Quite the contrary actually because science asks them to be open minded, to question, and to progress. But I will side with Ham on a position and if any idea has been hijacked it is "Christian Morality". These Christian apologists have blurred, mashed together, and made confusing what Christian morality is and the morality of those that want a fairer, safer, more consistent, and loving world. Do not get me wrong, Jesus preached great things and I am a fan of Jesus Christ. It's more the Christian god that I am upset with. The point I am getting to here is, I am glad that Ham has the backbone to stand up and say that "marriage" is between a man and a woman. A lot of Christians these days don't have the courage to stand up for the book they live by. For that, I will applaud Mr. Ham for his strength and criticize his stance on morality. It's only when the rapid fire rebuttals and the Q&A begins that the debate begins to unravel a bit and we see Nye separate himself and take the lead in the debate. Ham refused to answer any of the proposed questions. And by refuse I don't mean that he choose to not speak, but he kept reciting the same practiced answers as if this were a Sarah Palin interview. Or, he ignored major portions of the question entirely. Nye had a different, and thoroughly supported responses for all the questions and then on top of that expanded on the questions and asked Ham to elaborate. I actually learned about physics, about biology, about chemistry, about the cosmos, about ship making, about evolution, and so many other sects of knowledge because Nye explained his answers in detail. Nye also tried to come in with his point again about the future of America and STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, & Math) being the key to a flourishing future. We get it, Bill Nye The Science Guy. I also did not expect that the two would dissect the topic and story of Noah's ark so much. I agree with Christian apologists on this one that the story of Noah's ark so be taken as...well, story. To believe this as an actual and literal story would be akin to believing Lord Of The Rings, Spiderman, Harry Potter, Batman, Superman, Thor, or any other fictional story or character as non-fictional. When you're a child, you do have license to let your imagination run wild. If your child wants to believe in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, or Santa Clause, that is totally fine. But when you become an adult and you need to make decisions off facts, and based on reasonable ideas and intuition, you need to harness that imagination a bit. This is what a lot of Christians fail to do. With all that in mind, if you were still somehow on the fence about the story of Noah's ark, then Nye's explanation about Noah's ark should have tipped the scales. Not only did he present an argument with reason (much like the way I outlined above), then be brought logic into it, and then lastly he brought history and physics into it. The story about the ship bending and taking in water is something I never would have thought of or have heard of. For many reasons, but for one I don't work on boats. I also don't know the physical properties of wood well enough to be able to understand that's what happens. This should have been the last we heard about the story of Noah's ark, but it continues as the debate does. Also, it makes difficult the point Ham made about "observational" science and "historical" science. There is a large disconnect and major inconsistency. Mr. Ham claims that Mr. Nye cannot know or project to know what happened, let's say, 4000 years ago because Nye was not there to observe what happened. This is the case Ham was making against Nye when they were talking about the age of the earth, the atmospheric bubbles trapped inside ice, the fossils that are excavated, the rings in trees, and so on. Since Nye did not witness those things happen, he cannot claim to know any of those things. However, the same can be said about Ham not witnessing the Christian God hand down any of the laws he desires, nor the creation of the world as explained in genesis, or Noah's ark, or how the Bible was written and the credibility of the Bible because he simply was not there. Ham cannot have it both ways. Ham also continued to sidestep every question and rebuttal that came his way and it became increasingly frustrating. Not the most exciting speaker as it is, it almost became unbearable when he continued to waste our time by not addressing anything. He continuously played a game of semantics to avoid supplying us with anything substantial. At one point, he asked us what "literally" meant. Oh, I don't know...maybe what we all mean when we use the word "literally"? Mr. Ham also went on to say incredibly stupid things like, "It's not survival of the fittest, it's the survival of those who survived," and "It's true, that's why it's true". What does that mean? That's like if you looked up the word "bread" in the dictionary and the definition read, "bread". It explains nothing! It doesn't even attempt to. It's lazy, and when you're engaged in a debate, it's cowardly. Also, before I wrap this up, I have a historical question. Mr. Ham credits the invention of logic as a Christian invention. Obviously Ham's credibility is pretty low after this debate, but it's worth trying to figure out. Historically speaking, is logic a Christian creation? I think it was a mistake for Bill Nye to debate Ken Ham. There was very little upside for him to debate Mr. Ham, while the upside for Ham was exponentially greater. The trouble with a debate is that the point isn't actually to find the correct answer. It is to win by either showcasing your position and ideas, or by bringing down the other person's idea enough to make your stance the more viable position. Even with that, Bill Nye was able to win the debate and hopefully he generated inspiration and momentum for the reasonable, and scientific community. There is a poll that was taken shortly after the debate and even Christians overwhelmingly thought Nye won the debate. It was probably a mixture of his charisma, his tone (Ham's tone almost seemed indifferent), smiling (Ham looked like death!), and the fact that he brought information with him. Congratulations and thank you to Mr. Bill Nye for allowing reason to prevail. Before I end all this, I do have to reference Christopher Hitchens. One of the most articulate, knowledgeable, and greatest debaters I know. Ken Ham at one point brings up that without Yahweh and the Bible, that the world would be without morals because there would be no origin. I would pay money to watch Christopher Hitchens take down Mr. Ham on this point. No one demolished Christian morals the way Hitchens did. For that, we are forever in his debt and I miss him greatly. Simply read Leviticus and Deuteronomy (you could look elsewhere too and find shocking material, but those are easy places to start) to know that if we lived in a world of Christian morals, it would be a horrific place to live. Be opening minded, love, and progress. (No proof reading was done. I hope this makes at least a little sense).

Is YHWH The Worst Engineer Ever?

It is cold outside, right? Like dangerously cold to the point where if you stood out there long enough without proper equipment you might die. First you would suffer incredible pain and your body would do everything it could do to, first, alert your consciousness of the issue and then take the appropriate measures to buy you time. You see, in Minnesota, at the time of this writing, it is negative 2 degrees Fahrenheit. Yesterday we saw a low of negative 10 degrees and today we will not even eclipse 0 degrees as our high will be a whole negative 1 degrees Fahrenheit. Which is kind of insane considering negative numbers only exist in theory. I'm no meteorologist so I am not here to blog about atmospheric chemistry and physics. I am here to ask a few questions. It was pounded into my head for 21 years that Yahweh created this pale blue dot we live on with us in mind. To me, that means he should be considered one of the worst engineers of all time, he is just plain stupid, or he actually created the planet without having us in mind (And he can be all three, a mixture, but he must be one). Why would he allow portions of this planet to become so immensely cold (and others so immensely hot) that warm blooded creatures could not survive in those areas? And why would he cover the surface of the planet with a substance that we cannot live on or in and is more suited for marine life? He also created us so that we would need to consume incredible amounts of sustenance which includes large amounts of water. Yet, although the planet is mostly covered in water, we cannot consume it because a lot of the water we are presented with would harm us. We could not survive living on a majority of this planet without great advances in science and technology, yet many of us claim that this rock in space that we so fortunately inhabit was created in a few days with us in mind. That would mean we are either unreasonable, immensely stupid, and/or gigantically arrogant (or again, a combination of). We can't all fit in San Francisco where I hear it is beautiful all year round. For some reason, Yahweh has designated that area of this planet to the homosexuals; a group he despises yet has given the best real estate to. A part of me resents being fed mis-information for 21 years, but I do appreciate seeing that side of it. My hope is that we can stop claiming that the Christian god created this pale blue, spinning, orbiting rock with his children in mind. It is so clear that isn't the case.

Piece of Shit // Fear // Liberation

I always seem to write only when I am in times of need. That’s pretty selfish of me, but writing, expression, and art only gives and never demands. I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last 3 weeks or so. I seem to go through these cycles. Periods where I am very happy and I feel stable and completely comfortable with where I am. Then there are times where I don’t know what my next step is. Periods where I feel completely lost and I feel desperate for something to latch onto. I think I’m learning more and more lately that feeling that way isn't entirely strange and uncommon and knowing that does provide comfort, but only to a degree. Of course everyone wants to know what their future is going to look like and what their calling in life is, but that is not a luxury many of us are afforded. You explore, you keep your eyes open, you absorb, you learn, and you keep marching no matter how much life and the future sucks a nut. And I want to be clear, exploring and not having stable footing sucks a nut for the most part. However, how you feel also depends on how you approach life sucking a nut. I am going through a lot of changes in my professional life lately and it forced me to look around and reevaluate. I was super bummed out at first, but I woke up one day and I realized this is not a reason to cry and feel locked up, but rather an opportunity to feel liberated. I have so much more free time to experiment and get involved. Sure, as I mentioned above it is partially uncomfortable, horrifying, and frustrating, but that’s life and I have to roll with it. It’s a challenge not to be crippled by fear and to show some courage. I feel like I've been lacking courage lately. I’ve also been feeling like an outsider, which is fine since I have embraced not being “common” for quite some time. I got a new hair cut the other day that kind of symbolizes that I have more courage than I show and that I am okay with being an outcast. I’m hardly ever satisfied with new haircuts, but I think I like this one. I've also very much accepted that I am a large, steamy, stinky pile of shit and that’s one of the greatest admissions I could make at this point. It’s unshackled me from the chains that keep me occupying a small space. After you fully accept that you are a piece of shit, there is only moving up and out. No tall expectations to come tumbling down to disappoint you. I think some people would tell me that is an unhealthy and pessimistic view point, and I don’t think they are entirely wrong, but you don’t have to let being a piece of shit hinder you. You can embrace it and let it fuel you. No one wants to be a piece of shit forever, although it’s kind of fun because no one cares about you or the mistakes you are about to make. They expect you to fuck up. After all, you are a piece of shit! I've been talking to a lot of people and I've also come to accept that I can’t complete this journey successfully without the help of other people. No one ever “makes it” alone. There are a lot of people that help you along the way, a lot of accidents that need to come together, and a lot of luck needs to be involved. Even with those factors out of our control, there are many variables that are in our control. Like how much we are going to care about future projects, how much time and effort we are going to put into those projects, how hard we are going to work, how determined we are going to be, and so on. Maybe I’m completely off, but a large chunk of the battle is about how much you actually give a shit. I can say right now I give a shit. I give a shit about my life, my happiness, my well being, my future, and my career. I give a shit about the family, friends, and the people around me. I really do give a shit. Look, I have to protect and look after me, and sometimes that conflicts with being more generous and helping and loving, but I do give a shit. I want to live a happy life. More than live a long life, I just want to live one very fulfilling life. As an atheist, I think that’s all we get. One chance to make yourself happy, leave a mark on this world, progress it, and hopefully that’ll enhance the lives of the people to come after you. And that matters to me because I give a shit about other people. Their happiness matters. Their happiness is just as important as yours or mine. Because when someone is happy, they work harder, they give more of a shit, and they are more inclined to pass along those great qualities. I was chatting with a friend not too long ago and I was explaining my situation to him. He stopped me and said to me, “Well, you make it seem like your life is super shitty, but then why walk around with a fake smile and make an effort to help other people so much?” That’s because my shitty life shouldn't make the lives of other people shitty. So, in other words, love each other and help each other. Especially me, because right now I really need it. I feel so insanely unstable right now. I want some long term goals, some short term goals, and a “purpose”. I want to wake up driven and feel like if I weren’t a part of something, that machine would crumble. So yes, I need your help. With ideas, with inspiration, with guidance, and with opportunities. Anything! I want to be somebody someday, and I want the same for you.

The Pursuit Of Perfection

I've just been kind of down lately. Nothing really exciting going on, kind of living every day in repetition, and just unsure of a lot of things if not everything. There was a period earlier in 2012 where for a couple of months I was busting ass and trying to make things happen. I think that sort of maximum effort would've continued had I seem some sort of progress. However, there came a point where it seemed like the harder I worked the more backwards I was headed. If I could just pin-point the source of my frustration/depression/anger/anxiety/yearning (See, I can't even come up for a good word for what I'm feeling) I could hone in on it and focus purely on fixing the issue with laser like focus. I think this inability to articulate and understand what I'm feeling makes it doubly frustrating. And so I've decided to change my way of life a bit. Forever I tried to be this purely logical, very disciplined, no bull-shit, considerate, open-minded, and available kind of guy. I chased "perfection" with nothing else in mind. I convinced myself I could rest when I get there. However, it would make little sense for me to continue this course of action if I feel like I'm going backwards. I suppose it doesn't matter at this point if I don't have a solid backup plan because what I'm doing is not working. I can almost assume anything else would work better. I, however, have figured out one thing during the trek. I've learned that my pursuit of perfection might have been my biggest flaw. What a stupid fucking flaw too. Doesn't seem right that trying to be the kindest, hardest working, most logical dude in the room can be a flaw. But it was mine and I now know I have to let go a bit. Trying to control every factor just isn't possible. I just hope something comes my way soon. I just want something to click, or a sign to come my way and give me a push a certain direction. Even a tiny little spark that would add some excitement in my life would be good enough for me. Something that makes waking up exciting. 2012 is about to end on us, and although a date doesn't mean anything, maybe it will give me enough of a placebo push a certain way.