How To Properly Rock The Fuck Out

I have been attending rock concerts for about a decade now and therefore feel as though I am seasoned enough to have a valid opinion about concerts and the scene. I remember thinking that the rock show was pure anarchy at the first few rock shows I went to. But as I continued to attend live shows, I quickly learned that it isn’t mass chaos and I immediately fell in love with the atmosphere of live shows and what they could provide. I have even found myself doing some crowd control at recent shows. I really thought about the etiquette of concerts and thinking about concerts systematically after I attended the Dead Throne tour a month ago. It was one of the worst crowds I have rocked out with in quite some time and it really made me think about why that crowd was so bad. There is no textbook for concert etiquette and so young concert goers only learn from experience. However, not everyone’s observation skills are created equally, and so some concert goers always manage to make it difficult for other fans. I want to use this blog to take a humorous and light yet systematic approach to concert etiquette.

I have never been to a rap or pop concert, so this blog does not pertain to those types of concerts. I mostly listen to the spectrum of rock music. I have been in friendly ska circle pits, I have been to atmospheric concerts where people stand in place in awe of the music, I have been to general alternative concerts where it’s just about having a good time, and I have been to metal concerts where it seems I never go back home without sharing some blood with the venue. There isn’t too much going on at concerts like Copeland and Lydia where people can stand around and just enjoy the music. The ska crowd is just too nice, simple minded, careless, or all of the above for this blog to pertain to them. It’s the general alternative, metal, hardcore, and screamo shows that sometimes need a review of etiquette. This includes everything from Thrice and Taking Back Sunday to bands like As I Lay Dying and Cradle of Filth.

When you come to one of these shows the venue will most likely be pretty spaced out. Not everyone comes for the opening acts. People will most likely be standing in circles with their friends or with their arms crossed looking at the stage that has nothing but equipment on it. You also have the fan that has come to the show only to play with their cell phone. These fans I have never understood because you can play with your cell phone at home without paying the price of admission. Before sound check starts, most people will stand near the stage with a good 4 to 6 inches of space between each person. There is no need to stand shoulder to shoulder, chest to back at this point of the concert. However, you will often have a young fan arrive to the venue late and disrupt the harmony that was carefully carved out by more prompt concert goers. To add salt to the wound, this fan will often gleefully wave his friends over destroying any shred of harmony left and testing your patience even further. Why fans choose to bully their way through and make everyone around them uncomfortable is beyond me. Sure, now you’re a little closer to the stage and your vantage point might be slightly better, but what about the people around you? Plus, I am willing to bet a good lump of money that you will not end up in that exact spot when the show or set ends. There will be music in the room; you will be able to hear it regardless of where you are. When sound check ends and the fans can sense the start of the first band, an act occurs that I like to call “the rush”. The rush is a compression of everyone in the room and migration toward the stage. It’s a phenomenon that occurs at all concerts and puts a smile on my face every time.

Now let’s take a moment to look at the crowd from a bird’s eye view. The common rock concert crowd can be sliced into three primary sections. I will analyze the three sections starting with the section closest to the stage and move toward the back of the venue. The first section can be called “claustrophobia unfriendly”. This section probably doesn’t take up as much room only because the fans are so concentrated. This is where you will typically find younger fans who mistakenly believe that being closer to the stage will enable them to be more involved with the music. There are fans in this section that could care less about the music and more about being physically closer to the musicians because it gives them a sense of being involved with the scene. To be fair, there are plenty of good fans in this section too that just have the misfortune of sharing this area with poor fans. When I was a young concert attendee, I thought this was the place to be, but that perspective quickly changed as I gained more knowledge. Most of the fans here will be grumpy as they have absolutely zero wiggle room and sometimes will find it difficult to breath because of the of the amount of pressure created by bodies being pressed against each other. In this section, you sometimes have to think twice about putting your hands in the air at the band’s request because you might not be able to put your arms back down. One of the most annoying acts in this section is something I like to call “the-ring-of-protection”. You will see this immensely annoying violation by young couples. Often a boyfriend will try to create breathing space for their girlfriends by creating an imaginary hula-hoop around them with their arms making it uncomfortable for everyone around them. These violators need to either quit this act, or they have to take their romance to the back of the venue. You cannot go to a concert and commit this heinous act in section one without being a thorn to everyone around you. If your girlfriend is that petite, you have to know better and stay home or respect the people around you. This is a rock concert, you know what to expect.

The second section is probably the largest in terms of square feet and not necessarily bodies. I believe you will find more veteran concert goers in this section and I am certain you will find the more rowdy concert goers here. Most of these fans are indeed there for the music, but to be fair, some are only there to thrash and can sometimes ruin it for the other people. The fans in this section have grown tired of the first section and have learned that the party is actually in this region. There is also another kind of fan that make of the periphery of the second section. These fans are also tired of the first section, but don’t plan to partake in the circle pit. These fans can fully enjoy the music and appreciate the crowd as well. They also play the vital role of maintaining the frame of the circle pit. The circle pit is a chaotic and amazing space. The circle pit might look like complete anarchy, but to a seasoned vet, there are unwritten rules in place, rules that a newcomer will not know. There are two types of fans in the circle pit. One who is there for the love of music and to take advantage of the atmosphere and everything a live show has to offer while connecting with the similar fans. Then as mentioned above, there are some fans in the circle pit just to release some aggression. I personally can’t get involved in a circle pit unless I can “feel” the music. Now here is an unwritten rule that was often ignored at the Dead Throne concert I attended: when a fan falls, it is the duty of everyone else in the circle pit to help that individual up. If that person is not helped up, they will get stepped on, possibly injured, and they will have a hell of a time attempting to get up as the swarm of people above them continue to step on them as the madness continues. Another element newcomers to the circle pit don’t seem to understand is that the objective of a circle pit is not to run into each other in an attempt to destroy each other. For example, at the Dead Throne show, there was a not so gentle man whose main intent was to knock everyone in the circle pit over before they knocked him over. It was as if he were playing a very violent and deranged version of tag. Of course after a few minutes he was the least liked guy in the pit and he found himself on the receiving end of a couple of choke holds. To help you better picture this ass of an individual, just know he had his Ed Hardy polo on and his collar popped. When people told him to quit intentionally knocking people over, he replied that it was a concert and this is what was suppose to occur. To the untrained eye, this is what it might look like. This is, however, not what is actually going on. No one is in the pit performing their best Ray Lewis or Brian Urlacher impersonation. It just so happens that sometimes during the chaos people run each other over. There is not, or at least shouldn’t be, any intent to injure someone in a circle pit. People just understand that a certain level of violence comes with the territory. There is another fan that I like to call “the flailer” that shares the space inside a circle pit. The flailer doesn’t move around much within the pit, but does demand a good amount of space as they flail their extremities in an unhealthy fashion. It may look as if the flailer is mindlessly attempting to unhinge his forearm off his elbow, but a good flailer is very aware of the length of their limbs, the people around them, and the amount of space they have. The flailers at The Devil Wears Prada show failed to consider the three elements of flailing just mentioned. Flailers already look dumb (I know, I flail sometimes), let’s not hurt people in the process by elbowing, kicking, and/or slapping them. The last rule I want to throw in here quickly for the people of the second section is not to throw stuff into the stage. It puts the bands in danger and it doesn’t make you cool. The bands are working hard night in and night out and the last thing they need is for a shoe to hit them in the face.

The third section mostly makes up the back of the venue, but depending on the venue can take up space on the peripheries and can also manifest on multiple floors. There are two types of fans in the third section. The first one being the fans who don’t give a shit about the bands that are playing and are there more to be hip and because alcohol is served. The other type of fan is one that still loves music, but has grown out of the other two sections and could care less about partaking in those concert activities. They are there strictly there for the music. The third section really doesn’t need a lot of rules because most of the older fans are here. Plus, this is the section I have the least experience with although I find myself here more and more lately.

It would be convenient to have a book to teach us how to properly rock the fuck out, but alas things just aren’t that convenient for this scene that isn’t highly exposed. The scene is still a beautiful and thriving one, and so my hope is to hand it over to the next generation of young fans as beautiful and intact. Music has done so much for me and I’m sure for many people and it still has the capacity to do so much if we let it. It is truly one of the most beautiful and amazing mediums we have as proven by how eternal it is. I want to do my best to protect it and as I slowly fade into the third section, I hope music does for new fans what it has done for me.

"Troll Hunter" Review

Troll Hunter has to be one of the most unique films of last year. For some odd reason, when I tell people I recently watched Troll Hunter, I’m always asked, “Oh, what’s it about?” A very fair question, but the movie is what the title says. It is about a troll hunter. The movie was released on October 29th of 2010, and got an American release on June 10th of 2011. The movie opened to mostly positive reviews. The Norwegian film was filmed in Western Norway where it takes place in the movie. The movie was directed by André Øvredal featuring mostly lesser known actors. The film team chose to go keep the movie under the radar and attempted the viral marketing strategy. The Nordic location provided for some stunning scenery in the movie. Troll Hunter is a mockumentary employing the handheld first person camera work. So think Blair Witch Project or Quarantinein Norway and with giant trolls. The lighting in the film is exceptional, especially in the low light scenes. Using the moon as the motivator, the lighting and photography crew does a wonderful job creating accurate shadows and deep contrast. Another cinematic element they did a great job with was incorporating was the rain, mist, and the fog that rolls against the hills. The crew lit the mist extremely well to make the mist pop and have great depth (not an easy task!), allowing the audience to feel the setting more vividly. The movie also did a great job with little touches to give it a more authentic feel and to make it seem like the footage was actually found and raw. One example is when the hunter and the in movie film crew (remember, this is a mockumentary) are grabbing breakfast and we see the in movie film crew white balancing. This might go unnoticed to most, but to someone who has film experience it is a great touch. The next example would seem obvious, but other first person films often missed with this one. There is a moment in the film where the camera operator is picked up by a troll and drops the camera. Let’s arbitrarily say the camera fell 8 feet. We then see the lens is cracked. Out of all the first person films I’ve seen, this might be the first with a destructible lens. The exact opposite happened in Quarantine when the camera man viciously defends himself against a zombie with blunt camera blows. Destructible lenses are not always a given. I won’t go too much into the story of the movie as to not ruin it. As mentioned above, the movie is about a troll hunter, and that’s the only introduction the movie needs. It might be the only introduction anyone can give. A couple of interesting discussions the movie brings up are the discussions on religion and animal rights. We can see that religion might be a big topic just from the trailer where Christianity and Islam are both raised. As an American, it is fascinating to see a Scandinavian slant on religion. The trolls are attracted to the scent of Christian blood, so before the troll hunter allows the film crew to shadow him, he probes the crew on their religious beliefs. The members all deny any affiliation with Jesus Christ. We find out later that one of the members of the film team is actually a closet Christian. It makes sense that he would hide the fact that he is Christian in a country where, in 2005, only 32% of the population believed in a god. This was extremely interesting as atheists are often bullied in America and seeing the roles reversed was quite refreshing. Animals rights, or perhaps better phrased as creature rights in this film are also observed. We see the team sympathize for sheep when they are used as bait to lure the trolls. We also see in one of the interviews with the hunter that he might also have sympathy for the trolls. I recommend this film to everyone because of how unique and well made it is. I fully understand that Americans tend to be turned off by subtitles, but it’s time we mature and venture into a wider variety of cinema. Especially when there is a movie of this grade is waiting to be viewed.

I Wouldn't Change A Thing

I've been in love with the library lately. It's such a great place, full of resources to enhance your mind and life. I'm afraid that with all the budget issues, libraries might soon be on the edge of the cliff. I surely hope this is not the case, as education is the great equalizer. Institutionalized education isn't the appropriate system for everyone. Some people would rather pursue an independent education, and the library is a great place for people with that preference to go.

Anyways, I'm not using this entry as a plea to keep the libraries a vibrant place. I checked out a book titled, "The Atheist's Bible" before my road trip to Denver. I originally wanted to borrow Richard Dawkins' "The God Delusion," but the two copies at the Plymouth library were checked out. Located near where "The God Delusion" would be was "The Atheist's Bible," so I grabbed it and thought I'd check it out on my way to Denver. The book is simply a collection of quotes about religion. Some quotes are serious and others very humorous. I took notes on some that I liked and I thought I'd share them. At points I got lazy and didn't mark good quotes, so this is not a list of the best from the book.

"They say God is everywhere, and yet we always think of him as somewhat of a recluse."

-Emily Dickinson.

"A tyrant...should always show a particular zeal in the cult of the gods. People are less afraid of being treated unjustly by those of this sort, that is if they think that the ruler is god-fearing and pays some regard to the gods; and they are less ready to conspire against him, if they feel that gods themselves are his friends."

-Aristotle.

"You can't convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it's based on a deep-seated need to believe."

-Carl Sagan.

"I get letters constantly from people saying, "Oh, God will look after it." But he never has in the past, I don't know why they think he will in the future."

-Bertrand Russell.

"If God listened to the prayers of men, all men would have quickly perished; for they are for ever praying for evil against one another."

-Epicurus.

"The Way to see by faith is to shut the Eye of Reason."

-Benjamin Franklin.

"In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that has happened in politics or religion."

-Carl Sagan.

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"

-George Daacon.

"Travler: God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer.

Farmer: You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn't around."

-Anonymous.

"When I was a young boy, my father taught me that to be a good Catholic, I had to confess at church if I ever had impure thoughts about a girl. That very evening I had to rush to confess my sins. And the next night, and the next. After a week, I decided religion wasn't for me."

-Fidel Castro.

"Morality is of the highest importance-but for us, not for God."

-Albert Einstein.

"It was of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a person God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it."

-Albert Einstein.

"I believe in God, only I call it nature."

-Frank Lloyd Wright.

"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospel in praise of intelligence."

-Bertrand Russell

"What is it the Bible teaches us?-rapine, cruelty, and murder. What is it the Testament teaches us?-to believe that the almighty committed debauchery with a woman engaged to be married, and the belief that this debauchery is called faith."

-Thomas Paine.

"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities."

-Voltaire.

"If someone were to prove to me-right this minute-that God, in all his luminousness, exists, it wouldn't change a single aspect of my behavior."

-Luis Buñuel.

A Deconstruction of Matthew Chapter 5-6

I decided to review chapters 5 and 6 of the book of Matthew in the New Testament. We have been reading through Matthew at one of the churches I attend, so I wanted to go through it one more time and hash out my thoughts into text.

I will start by copying and pasting the New International Version (NIV) translation of the chapters, so if you are familiar with the chapters, or if you only care to read up on my thoughts, please move on to the bottom half of this blog. I will list the specific verses before I share my insight, so you can conveniently and quickly reference the verses.


Matthew 5

Introduction to the Sermon on the Mount

1 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

5 Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

7 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Salt and Light

13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

The Fulfillment of the Law

17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Murder

21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

Adultery

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Divorce

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Oaths

33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ 34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

Eye for Eye

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

Love for Enemies

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 6

Giving to the Needy

1 “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

2 “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Prayer

5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

9 “This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name,

10 your kingdom come,

your will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

11 Give us today our daily bread.

12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Fasting

16 “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Treasures in Heaven

19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,[c] your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy,[d] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.


Before I being my deconstruction of the two chapters, I will apologize for any formating issues that might have occurred when I copied and pasted. I went back and corrected any of the issues that I could see will skimming through.

From what I was taught, the words in Matthew are the direct words of Jesus, but written by Matthew. I don't know why Jesus couldn't have just written these words himself, but there seems to be a lot of middle men in The Bible. Maybe Jesus was a poor writer, perhaps he couldn’t afford any papyrus, maybe he was too lazy, or maybe he was too proud to write his own thoughts. Regardless, the words are Jesus', but only as Matty remembers them. Defining the source becomes a bit more difficult when you look up the Gospel of Matthew on Wikipedia (my go to source). Wikipedia states that, “The Gospel of Matthew does not name its author.” And no, I will not provide a footnote and link, because I’m lazy and I don’t want any more formatting issues. I think I post to 5 different blogs, so it might become a hassle. It’s on Wikipedia, it’s not that hard to look up. Continuing. If anyone has any more knowledge on the source of this book, please educate me.

(Chapter 5:13) “You are the salt of the earth.” That Jesus sure does have some great metaphors. I personally think that calling your troops “salt” isn’t the greatest term to motivate or unify them, but hey, I can’t even get my own mother or brother to follow my philosophies. Now, I’m not assaulting salt in anyway. Salt is great, and has historically been great. One day, while waiting in a hotel room for my friends to wake up from their drunken night in Busan, I quietly watched a Discovery Channel segment on the importance of salt. People back in the time of Jesus might have appreciated salt a lot more as it was a much more precious commodity during those days. We have an abundance of salt now, whereas it was harder to come by in those days, so I don’t think people will take the words, “You are the salt of the earth,” the same way the desert dwellers did in Jesus’ time. Sure, it’s important to keep a more direct translation of Jesus’ words, but this is the New International Version. Perhaps I should have gone with the Contemporary English Version (CEV) translation to see if there are any changes in language. If I ever master The Bible and I feel confident enough, I think I might pump out a few of my own translations. I want to make a criticism immune version and name it The Hip International Version (HIV), or an overly flamboyant version named The Famously Awesome Gloze (FAG). I think there is some money to be made in making The Bible into a hip book and appealing to a wider audience. It would get the children back into reading The Bible; a demographic many religious groups are highly concerned about. Anyways, the point is, if you’re going to be the New International Version, get with the times.

(Chapter 5:17) “For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.” Nice, a little friendly competition. I have to be louder than you, to take your spot in heaven. I criticized Jesus for being a poor motivational speaker above, but he quickly made up for that. Plus, Revelations chapter 1:1-7 makes it sound like only 144,000 people get into heaven anyways. “After this I saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding back the four winds of the earth to prevent any wind from blowing on the land or on the sea or on any tree. Then I saw another angel coming up from the east, having the seal of the living God. He called out in a loud voice to the four angels who had been given power to harm the land and the sea: “Do not harm the land or the sea or the trees until we put a seal on the foreheads of the servants of our God.” Then I heard the number of those who were sealed: 144,000 from all the tribes of Israel.

From the tribe of Judah 12,000 were sealed,

from the tribe of Reuben 12,000,

from the tribe of Gad 12,000,

from the tribe of Asher 12,000,

from the tribe of Naphtali 12,000,

from the tribe of Manasseh 12,000,

from the tribe of Simeon 12,000,

from the tribe of Levi 12,000,

from the tribe of Issachar 12,000,

from the tribe of Zebulun 12,000,

from the tribe of Joseph 12,000,

from the tribe of Benjamin 12,000.”

It sounds like heaven is a pretty exclusive club. After reading that, I thought about abandoning this blog and immediately getting to work so I could claim my spot in heaven. Then I realized all 140,000 vacancies are reserved for Jews. That’s very confusing because you can ethnically be a Jew, and you can religiously be a Jew. I can convert to Judaism to better my odds of getting into heaven, but I can’t choose to be born a Jew. I’ve been taught this Jesus is a pretty fair guy, so I’m going to have to assume that the seats of heaven must be reserved for people who practice Judaism. I was raised a Seventh Day Adventist, so I’m pretty damn close to being a Jew without actually being a Jew.

(Chapter 5:23) “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Please, please, please, make sure you leave your gift at the altar before you go to your enemy to smoothen things over. We wouldn’t want you to come back empty handed and make an extra unnecessary trip across the desert a fourth time just to go back and get your offering. We’re just looking out for your best interest.

(Chapter 5:27) “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Looks like after I complete this blog, I will be one right eye and one right hand less of a human being. I don’t about the rest of the world, but I have a bunch of hormones pumping through my body and sometimes it’s awfully difficult for me to battle these hormones. If there are any drug companies out there that would like to tackle these hormones, I’m sure there is some good money to be made here. Lastly, can women not commit adultery? Well, unless you’re a lesbian looking at a woman lustfully. The odds of me getting into heaven are looking slimmer with each verse. Not born a woman, and not born a Jew.

(Chapter 5:31) “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” Women have no say.

(Chapter 5:38) “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[h] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” Man, getting into heaven is seriously going to cost me. It’s also going to cost the members of Seal Team 6. Good job on getting Bin Laden, but good luck getting into heaven. Let’s say I’m walking down a dark, isolated Minneapolis alley one night, and someone jumps me for my new high end cell phone. During the assault, this thief breaks my arm and shoots me in the leg (this is America; the thief most likely posses a gun). This passage tells me to pull myself up with one arm, onto one leg and tell the criminal, “Hey, my iPod Touch is in my other pocket and my wallet is in my back pocket. Oh, while you’re at it, can you break my other arm and shoot me in my other leg, please? But can you please wait until I sit down, because if I fall over when you shoot me in my other leg, and I land on my cheekbone and break it, you’re going to have to put in more work. Thanks dude.”

(Chapter 6:2) “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” I don’t even know how to play the trumpet, so I think I’m safe in that regard. Didn’t Matthew and Jesus tell us in the last chapter not to criticize our enemies? Yet they call the people in the synagogues “hypocrites.” Now I’m really confused because they are now breaking the laws set by them only a few verses ago, and they are making fun of the Jews, who have exclusive rights to every vacancy in heaven. And what is with that max capacity of heaven? May Day Stadium in North Korea, which has a max capacity of 150,000, can seat more people than heaven. Apparently this global economic depression has hit Yahweh’s wallet and has hit it hard. Kim Jong Il has more in his bank than the Yahweh.

(Chapter 6:16) “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” I’m not here to question the wisdom of Matthew and Jesus, but I’ve done research on well being and nutrition over this last year, and fasting is not a healthy lifestyle. Let’s pass on fasting.

(Chapter 6:22) “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” Finally, some good news! I have perfect vision, so I can say with confidence that my body is full of light. And why such hate for having more than one friend? I’m all for quality over quantity, but if you make two quality friends, isn’t that better than only having one?

(Chapter 6:25) “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Man, chapter 6 is so much better than chapter 5. Lately, I’ve been very concerned about life, and what I eat and drink, and about my body, and what I wear and look like. I suppose if we don’t need to worry about our bodies, we should try fasting. These are tough economic times, so if we can slash what we spend at the grocery store, that will equate to more money in our pockets. Wise, wise words from Matthew and Jesus yet again. They had the foresight to predict these tough economic times and were willing to share great money management tips. I’ve been revolutionizing the way I eat over the last year. A lot of people go on “diets” for a month and revert back to their normal diet, but I’m trying to make a permanent lifestyle change by changing the way I eat. It’s been tough because I’m not that great of a cook, although I’ve been learning. It’s a relief that I can stop my pursuit of searching for great tasting and healthy recipes, and just eat whatever I want. I cut out a majority of sugary drinks, but you better believe I’m buying a 24 pack of Mountain Dew this weekend. I’ve also been enhancing my wardrobe, because I’m hoping to land an interview soon. People have always told me you want to make a good first impression and go into the meeting looking sharp. Well, Matthew and Jesus make a great point about the flowers burning. Looks like I can stop spending money on fancy clothes. Yet again, another great money management tip. However, the line about flowers does generate a question. Does heaven not have any flowers? Yahweh plans on burning all plants? That’s kind of a bummer, but I’m sure there are better things in heaven. And lastly, I’ve realized PETA and PETA 2 hasn’t read The Bible. “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Jesus and Matthew suggest that we are more valuable than animals. So, I suggest to PETA and animal rights activists to conserve their energy and not get so riled up about the rights of animals. They aren’t even that valuable! All those people concerned about polar bears losing their habitats, and all those people concerned about Colony Collapse Disorder (CDC) need to chill out. It’ll take care of itself.