Zombie Dream Chapter 6

I wake up and it feels really late but I can't tell since there isn't any sun and its raining outside. I had a nightmare. I get up really slow and I feel really groggy and I've got a slight headache and I'm kind of grumpy. I look around and no one is in the dark room and for some reason it scares me. I throw on a light coat and some sweatpants and I step out into the rain and speed walk to the next room. I see everyone having brunch again in the same spots minus the Christensons and the Johnsons replaced by some of the Bloomington boys. As I walk in Dawson makes a sassy comment about my morning hair that sounds a lot like Jon's comment the day before and I flick him off like I did Jon. I sit in the same chair and I open up a bottle of water. I see that everything is happening the same as it did yesterday and it kind of worries me. I leave the table early and I check the next room. Pretty much the same thing minus the hair jokes. After I get cleaned up we sit around for a little and then the time for Ben's group to leave comes. I tell him that its raining and that it might be smart to stay another night. He turns to Jeff and asks him what he thinks. Jeff says in his loud voice, "Nah, we'll be cool, nothing can touch us. You should really think about dipping out soon Min, its not safe!" I tell him, "Ya, thanks" but inside my head I think, "Thanks you fuck head. I think I can take care of myself," and I don't know why I think such angry words. They pack all their stuff and we all say our last goodbyes. Ben and I hug and I watch him jump into his car. I stay outside in the rain and I watch the cars shrink smaller and smaller until they become a part of the horizon. For some reason I knew that would be last time I would see Ben and it makes me extremely sad, but for some reason I can't cry. I hear a knock on one of the windows and I see the curtains flip and its Jon and Amanda waving me inside. I nod my head in walk in and they give me a towel to dry myself. While I'm drying my hair Jon asks, "Dude, were you crying out there you fag?" jokingly knowing that I didn't cry and that I'm just wet from the rain and it cheers me up a lot. Amanda pats me on the shoulder and gives me a "cheer up" smile and it cheers me up even more. We have a huge group dinner that night with everyone and we plan out what our next move is going to be. We all agree that tomorrow we will set out early and finish our journey to Canada. That night Jon, Mitch, Dawson, Dean and I think it would be fun if we all shared a room together so we grab a couple of sleeping bags and decide to share a room. While we are goofing off in the room we hear some cars pull into the lot. I look out the window and I think to myself this is getting annoying. I run out and introduce myself and tell the new comers that there are plenty of safe rooms here. I don't make an effort to get to know the new people but after I meet all of them I just run back into our new room. Dawson asks me what the new people are like and I just tell him they seem nice. We play our music really loud and we just goof off for most of the night. It gets late and we turn the music off so everyone else in the motel can get some sleep. We all get cleaned up and we plan to get to sleep early as well. We sit around chatting when we hear a knock on the door. Everyone looks at each other and we give each other this "you go get it look." Jon finally offers to go get it and as he penguin waddles his way to the door he mumbles something to us. He looks through the eye hole and with excitement lets us know its Amanda. He opens the door and lets her in. She says hi and she brushes the rain off of her shoulders and takes a seat. We ask her whats up and she says that she was bored and that she wanted to see what was going on in the cool guys room. Dawson and Mitch both talk over each other and they say something macho. I tell her that we should have invited her to hang out with us and that I'm sorry for being so inconsiderate. She laughs and says that its okay. I tell her that next time she should just call so we could escort her over instead of her walking alone. She tells us that her Dad watched her as she came. We all chat for a long time about random things then Amanda catches the time and says that she better get back so she can get some sleep since we need to start early tomorrow. She looks over at me and asks me if I would like to escort her back to her room and I tell her nah jokingly. As I get up I tell her that she could just sleep over in our room. She asks if I am being serious and I tell her yes. She speaks with excitement and runs over to the corner of the room to grab a sleeping bag. I ask her what she is doing? She says that she is setting up a sleeping bad kind of confused and worried and I tell her that she isn't sleeping on the floor and that she is taking my bed for the night. She says that she doesn't want to take my bed and I tell her I insist. After a couple minutes of friendly arguing I gently push her onto the bed and she gives in. I tell her that it is fine and she smiles and thanks me. We all crawl into our beds or sleeping bags and there is a second of silence then we all start talking again. I zip my sleeping bag even though I know I'm going to get way to hot in it. In the middle of the conversation Amanda says that someone else should share the bed with her since Jon and Dean are sharing one bed comfortably. No one says anything for a second then Amanda says, "Don't feel bad because I'm a girl." Mitch pops up and says, "fine I'll take it" in a reluctant tone then looks at Dawson who is closest to him then turns to me with a grin. Mitch jumps under the covers and I feel kind of bad for Amanda. Dawson says, "Don't be afraid to get frisky Mitch" and makes it kind of awkward. Dean and Jon pretend to spoon and it breaks the silence. We all chat for a little more and slowly one by one everyone falls asleep.

Nicole Simpson

Pop (Soda) is bad for you. Over the past week or two I've had more pop then I usually have had. I tried limiting my pop consumption, but for some reason I was around a lot of pop these past two weeks. Now that I am around bottled water again, I feel this addiction to pop. Nothing I can't handle but its weird because after you drink a lot of pop, its all you want to drink. And after you don't drink pop for a long time and then you start drinking a bunch of it again, you feel what it does to your body and it doesn't feel good. I felt sick and heavy. Before I hadn't even noticed this, but I guess you just have to pay more attention to the little things in life. This probably happens with a lot of things we put in our bodies, but we just don't know it since we are so used to it.

Lately I've found the human embrace and kiss to be fascinating. When ever people are sad, they often search for a hug like it is going to make things better. It doesn't, but for that little amount of time, you feel better like the person you are hugging cares and like you can share you pain with him/her. I noticed I don't hug a lot of people and that maybe its a bad thing. I'm to scared that I will offend someone sexually so I don't usually engage in hugs unless it is offered. Maybe I should be more of a leader and offer hugs. I once read an article that said that when humans kiss, a healthy chemical is released that makes us feel better. Is this true? I couldn't tell you because I don't think kissed someone since like the 3rd grade. Maybe this is why I often feel alone? I don't think it is, but who knows. I thought of it because I've seen a lot of people hugging recently.

So I broke my silence with this one guy via Facebook. Only one of like three people I can say I really hate. I don't know why I did it either, I guess I was in one of my "love people" moods. I felt like I had to forgive him, that it was so long ago that it would be childish of me to keep the beef. Well, call me childish, but I have to much pride to just submit. I know we fought over a stupid thing, but I feel like I did nothing wrong and for him to accuse me and do the things he did to me is fucked up. And the thing is, I did nothing to him. Its like if someone killed someone you loved, and the court couldn't accuse the person so he got away free. This guy did all the wrong and now he walks with no weight on his shoulder just because I was nice enough not to ruin his image. Its my fault that I was nice enough to do that, and its my fault my pride won't let me ever show any kindness towards him. He sent me a friend request asking if my friends and I wanted to play Halo this summer, I responded to his message but I declined his request. I guess I thought I'd just let him know I'm still alive but also let him know that he could fuck him self and his one eyed girlfriend bitch whore. Tee hee!

I have in my blog notes to talk about Western Medicine again but I don't remember exactly what about. I know I thought of something to say while I was watching Babel, but I forget. How do we really know western medicine is the best? I guess I'm still alive so I have to believe it a little, but still, sometimes I wonder. It seems to be the worlds standard, but just because its mainstream doesn't make it right. Ah well, this is just something I can accept, but I'll still keep one eye open.

So someone commented my blog about my experience with the two Christians last week and he basically wrote everything they told me. Its nice to see that they are all on the same page. This is something I hate about Christians is that they are so forceful. Why don't they just give you the tools and let you do what you want with them. They keep telling me about lust too. That if you look at someone sexually that I've raped that person in my mind and committed adultery. Adultery against who? The next person I am about to rape with my mind? And let me tell you I'm a guy, I have a penis and I have testosterone, I have raped a lot of women...with my mind, I don't want to get into trouble for writing that. I say that, but I bet women are just as horny as guys. Everyone time Christians approach me the more I think religion and church is a scam. They use desperation and hope to suck you into their trap. The church uses your confusion and sucks money right out of your pockets. The catholic church is the smartest because they don't fuck around, they go out and gank everyones money. Non of this soft core Christian bullshit. If people weren't so scared and so curious and so desperate, non of this would be a problem. The same goes with science to. Our curiosity leads us to good things, but a bunch of awful things. Maybe we believe in western medicine because we have to?

Lately I've been checking out a lot of new music. Because I want to and kind of because I have to. Many reasons why I have to. A lot of the bands I grew up with have reached their peak, they aren't going to grow anymore. I think the journey you take with bands as they grow in popularity and musically is just part of the experience. It's fun to me to watch something I enjoy grow. Another reason is that a lot of old bands are breaking up and I need new bands to fill the empty slots. Another reason is that since all my favorite bands have grown so much and are pretty popular now, they don't play with each other since they are all headliners. Why the Taking Back Sunday, Underoath, Armor for Sleep concert was soooooo amazing. I knew headliners and openers but recently I've had to research openers before shows. The last reason being is because I love music, who the hell doesn't want to hear good music. I stopped searching for new music a while back because the scene got to clustered. To many little bands came out and tried to copy sounds instead of creating their own and it made it way to messy. I didn't want to have to sort through that mess. It seems like it has died off a little. The timing is also perfect. With most of the tours done and only Warped Tour coming up, it gives me about a whole year to discover new bands. Warped Tour is always dedicated to the top bands so I don't ever need to preview, just review. But after Warped I should know a bunch of upcoming bands for next fall and winter, so I will have a good balance of up and coming and veterans. It just seems like a good time to discover. Its really hard to find these new bands though. I have a list of bands I need to check out, but the HUB isn't always the best place for deep underground music. Some of these bands don't even have purevolume accounts and for some reason MySpace downloads don't always work. I guess I just wait for the bands to get a little more popular and then snag it off the HUB. Or maybe I might have to buy some CDS!? yuck! I did manage to scoop some off them HUB and I was going through them while mixing in The Format since I was suppose to see them yesterday (Wednesday) but things didn't work out. I got stuck on this little band called Escape the Fate. Pretty sweet stuff. A blend of From First to Last, The Used, From Autumn to Ashes and Atreyu.

One last thing before I close this blog. Lately I see I get lied to a lot. When you view the world as a pure and kind place, lies just go through you. You accept peoples lies and think that they are telling the truth. But when you look at the world as bad place and you think people are corrupt and little fucks, you catch lies. My sister always lies, and I don't know why I don't confront her about her lies. I think probably all of my friends lie to me, but recently I've caught a bunch of them lying. One of my friends always lies to make himself look better then he really is. He hides his poor qualities and boasts what little good qualities he has. I caught one of his lies because I heard something from someone else he hangs out with and then when I talked to him he gave me a different story. I also didn't confront him. And now my friends are also hanging out with each other outside of the big group, so they probably can plan things out against me too. It is going to get harder and harder to tell real from fake. Why does it have to be like this?

Jenny Kallas

For some weird reason I have been struggling to make it through this school week. Usually this semester the weeks have gone by real fast, but this week has been slow as fuck.

Start this blog of with a couple of random questions. Are there gay animals? It seems like the question of whether homosexuality is right or wrong has come up a lot in my life lately. I could case less if someone wants to fuck a guy in the ass, I know my preference and thats what matter to me. But are there gay animals? No doubt humans are sexual creatures, but animals can be to so I wonder if its more instincts or if it's something society puts into our minds? Here is another question, if there is a after life, or you could think after you died, what do you think you would remember more -- The last good thing you did before you died? Or the last bad thing? I personally think bad.

I've been staying over Dean's place a lot lately and I've realized that people might be more diverse than I originally thought. I respect all the people that chill in Dean's room, but to me, they are kind of strange. Strange only in the sense that I've never encountered people like them, but they seem like semi-good people from what I've seen so far. This past Tuesday or maybe Sunday (who cares) two of Dean's friends were in the middle of what seemed like a heated argument but they were so calm and friendly about it. One would be like, "why are you being stupid?" then walk away and then come right back like 10 seconds later and ask the other person if they wanted to study. Then they would walk off together, then come back in and argue then leave together. I just know when I argue, I scream, yell, swear, I walk away and I think to myself, "fuck that person, I'll fucking kill him/her." Its a good thing I don't get into many heated arguments. So its kind of like what do you prefer: having one huge, everything boils over argument or having a bunch of little fights but always fighting? Another thing that fascinates me are the girls Dean hangs out with. Now I haven't known them that long, and I'm not around them that much, but from what I've seen, they are like human shells. Some of their qualities I envy. They seem so careless about everything and free. Nothing seems to register in them, they are free to speak their minds, they aren't politically correct or kind with words. I guess they would be what people stereotype as our average "California Barbie blond." I've never experienced such an extreme case of this stereotype though. I always told myself I would never date a girl like that, and after this, I still tell myself that. I just don't think I could be around a shell of a person for that long. I like having intelligent conversations. It's not a bad thing, I just think that its cool that there are so many different people around me and I just haven't noticed. Member my blog about how I need to show up for my life and I need to pay more attention?

Before I left for Chicago I watched The Departed and when I slept over at Dean's we tried to watch it but the people in the room were so oblivious it made it to hard. I hate it when people are like, "YA! That would be fun!" and then when you get there they go do other things. Anywho, its a sweet movie. Leonardo DiCaprio is a sweet actor. I never knew this because I always got the impression that he was in movies because of his looks. I read an article a long time ago that talked about how he was a bad actor and on top of that I've never really watched any of his movies. Leonardo DiCaprio is sweet and so is Mark Whalberg! "Feel the vibration!"

I recently denied a couple of friends about some serious things. It might haven been the first time I denied friends on something important and it felt kind of good. That sounds horrible, but usually I am willing to sacrifice a lot of things to make my friends feel good, and for once to do something that made me happy felt weird. I still feel bad that I had to do it, but there are a lot of mixed emotions. In psychology I learned about the "foot in the door" theory. That once someone takes the first step towards something, the rest becomes easy. They said once someone tries cigarettes and tries alcohol, that it makes it easier to try other drugs. Same goes for something you are scared of trying, once you try it a little, it makes it easier to dive in fully. I'm worried that I got my foot in door and now I will deny people left and right. I don't plan in making it a habit but it feels good.
I think I have a problem. I think my problem is that I try to be to perfect and I expect other people to try and be perfect. I think thats why I am beginning to hate people, but maybe it isn't their fault. I read in a Christian book that perfectionism is a sin, that no one should try to be perfect because its an impossible task. My whole life I've tried to be perfect. I try and make everyone around me happy and I try to make them feel comfortable. What if I let my defense down a little and let things hit me? I'm so careful not to offend people and to respect everything around me like it were the last thing on earth. Lately, I thought about just being impulsive. I think it would feel good not to ever give a shit and do what ever I fucking wanted. If I see a flock of hot bitches, well walk up to them and ask them whats up. If someone says something that bothers me, tell them to shut the fuck up (actually no, I know a lot of people that talk out of their asses and if I had to correct people on everything, I'd lose my voice). If someone bothers me or touches me, well fucking punch them in the face. I am to scared to try my "missing senses" test, but maybe I will test my self and be impulsive for a week. I will try and view people as creatures that will never be perfect and I will stop trying to be perfect myself. I will stop worrying about other people so much, and start worrying about me a little more.
Every time I think people around me are starting to treat me better, something always happens and knocks over all the blocks I've just been building over. I told myself maybe about a month ago that people are evil, don't treat them with respect because you will never get any. Basically I told myself it was a cut throat world and I need to sharpen my knife. But slowly that attitude died. I think I was born a nice person and it's just my makeup. I can't change it. Maybe some people were just born shitty people and they can't help that. Slowly my hate started changing back into love. I can't help it, I just want to help people. Then something always happens, usually a friend does something that ticks me off, that I would never do to them. And I start hating people knowing that soon I will love people. I can't win and it feels like I confuse myself. No one is doing this to me, I am doing it to myself. I know I am better then a lot of people in this world, I know if I challenge myself, I can do anything I want, but it is so hard to fight myself. How can I beat myself? Maybe I need to study more meditation.
Meditation has helped me so much. During our trip to Chicago I had a headache. I thought about it and told me self this pain is only my state of mind and that if I made it go away it would go away. I closed my eyes, turned on some music and I told my self to focus for a little while and force the pain away. Then I told myself to forget about it an not to think about for a long time. I did that and maybe 40 minutes later I caught myself and I thought about my headache and it was gone! I do this when I'm stressed out, I take some time and I breath and I listen to music and tell myself if I don't want to feel pain and that I don't have to. Some battles are larger and harder to over come, like some of my recent struggles. But meditation does amazing things I think. It's hard to get any sleep at Dean's because the people there are so loud, but recently I put myself to the test and I told myself, try to cut the noise out and it worked. I focused hard on the sounds for a couple of minutes and slowly one by one I eliminated each noise and then I told my self to think of something completely different. It worked. The next thing I remember is waking up to the sound of my alarm. Really crazy stuff. Makes me wonder if I study myself more, can I actually bend spoons with my mind? Could I toss cars with my energy? What if this stuff is actually possible but we as people have lost touch with our inner being and lost these abilities? Crazy stuff.
Maybe I'm just crazy. Tee hee!

Chicago with the Famo

I went to Chicago over the weekend and I enjoyed my time there very much. Another relaxing weekend to myself where I could do what ever I wanted and where I could be around people that matter to me.

Last week before the trip I had in my blog notes to metion the tour life but I missed it. Tour life meaning musicians or actors or comedians or whoever that tour and perform every night. Before I die I think it would be amazing to experience that life once. I was really excited when I heard that we would be road tripping it to Chicago. In the past I thought it was a really interesting life style and I recently watched a Taste of Chaos video tour blog and it made me want to write about it. This is what I see: a bunch of people that love what they're doing driving around and performing. They get to see the country and if they are big enough and lucky enough they get to see other countries. Most of the time they are around people they like. They have TVs, movies, video games, laptops, beds, etc. Some people aren't as lucky but they still have CD players, and each other. They work for 2 hours a night and then they get to do it again. Ya, it probably gets old after a while and you probably get sick of the road and you probably get sick of not being able to wash your cloths and taking showers, but still, it sounds fun to me. You also get groupies to chase your bus around haha, just kidding. It just seems like something I want to experience because I love being on the road and making your own entertainment. The trip to Chicago took us about 5-6 hours and it was just to damn short. Felt like 2. I'm talking about being on the road for 12 fucking hours and then you get to your hotel barely and you only have time enough to unpack, eat and watch half of sports center. How sweet is that? A 12 hour ride with people you enjoy being around blasting music, having random conversations and making random shit up to do. If you're lucky, you have a DVD player and you get to mash out multiple movies. And how fun are pitstops? Random shit hole towns and shit hole gas stations with sweet 50 cent sex toys. Yelling about random things you see on the road. All so sweet to me. I suggested to my parents next time we go on vacation, we go some where far, like Australia. Now that would be a cool road trip. Anywho, Tour Life, anyone care to join?

Anyways, back to Chicago. We left hella early and got there with plenty of time and we visited a museum (the one next to Soliders Feild). The museum was pretty sweet. They had this cool dinosaur exhibit. The first thing you see is a built skeleton of a T-Rex and let me tell you, the son bitch is huge! During the dinosaur exhibit my imagination kept going crazy and I kept wanting the dinosaurs to grow muscle and skin and start attacking us. Then I wanted a rifle to form in my hands so I could protect everyone. I think it would be totally rad to be in a jungle surrounded by dangerous dinosaurs that want to eat me. I mean, if I had a shit ton of guns to defned my self with. They had a bunch of other cool exhibits that we went through. I was in a shit load of pictures but they are all on my sisters camera and I hope to get them from her soon. The upstairs had this around the world theme set up. We got to China and I was like eh, and Hawaii and I was like eh, and then I was like yes, finally Japan and samurais, except they didn't have a section about Japanese history. Fuckers. Dick and Leah got really bored so we dipped out a little early and went to Korea town. We hit up some book stores and I was looking for a learn Japanese book but they didn't have any. Oh, while in Korea town I figured something out. That there are actually a lot of hot Korean girls. In a previous blog I wrote that I don't find a lot of Asian girls attractive (member the one about the Japanese voice actor?). I sit corrected, I was a victim if ignorance. I can't speak for all Asian cultures, but I can say I now appreciate Korean and Japanese women. But please, don't push Chinese and Indian women on me, because so far, ew. I need to visit Japan and Korea to fully experience this new found appreciation. Oh, did I mention that I love road trips? Because I love do. On the way to Chicago we watched Babel. A pretty good movie, but nothing I was blown away by. A couple of weeks ago, I asked my self what would it be like to not have one of my 7 senses? I thought about testing myself, thinking being blind or being mute would be the easiest to test. Then I thought to myself that would just be a waste of a day. A waste of my life and that I should just think about it and appreciate how beautiful the world is more and more each day. There was a mute girl in Babel and it made me want to test my self for a day again. But I just think it would be to difficult. I really don't think I could go one day without my senses. And I hate when people try to correct me and tell me I have 5 senses. I say fuck those people. Day one ended with Korea town and then we went to our hotel where we all cleaned up and watched Man vs. Wild together. A really nice little joint being that it only cost us 60 or 70 dollars. We packed up around 9ish and went back to Korea town because my parents wanted to do some hardcore grocery shopping. I think the bill came out to be near $500, but it wasn't all on food. On the way there I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I was completely amazed. If you haven't seen the movie yet and you like movies, do yourself a damn favor and go watch that joint. Thank you Joe Barnett. I should watched it when PD suggested it in 11th grade. Memories kind of remind me of dreams, I don't know why. They just have the same "feel" and "magic" to me. I think I had things I wanted to mention about the movie, but I forgot, tee hee! Just watch it. After I watched Eternal Sunshine we popped in Children of Men which was a pretty sweet joint to but couldn't repeat what Eternal Sunshine did for me. I think it pretty scary that if the government messed up just a little, our world could morph into that movie. The government is given so much power and they could abuse when ever they want. Thats scary to me. We got home on Saturday really early and went out to eat at a Korean restaurant. A lot of Koreaness huh? Oh at the Korean grocery store in Chicago they had these fried squids. I love squid but the fried squid there was so huge I couldn't look at it while I ate it. And at the Korean resturant, I had more squid, tee hee! Not breaded and fried, but its seasoned and stewed...I think. Is that we they call it? I don't know. Regardless, its one of my favorite dishes. I got home and I went over to Andy's house where we played Melee and some ping pong. It was the first time I had been over there in like 3 years. It was kind of weird. I almost forgot the route I usually take and if I knocked or just walked into his basement door. It was kind of a nice feeling to be there though. Like a barrier was knocked over. After we went to my house where we did some DBZ voice overs. They didn't turn out as good. I know why, but I don't care to mention it. It was a weekend well. I wish every weekend could be so relaxing and fun. This black guy just walked by me and he looks like the Unforgivable dude. Anywho, a very fun weekend.

Allison Muer

Couple of random things. 28 Weeks Later is going to be sick son. Its weird because about a month ago I watched 28 Days Later over. It has been far to long since a zombie joint dropped (Grind house doesn't count) and it seems like its been a while since a theater worthy movie came out (300).

I just read a crazy article about a mans dream and how it affected him in real life. In his dream he received a phone number and when he woke up he felt like he need to contact the number. He texted the number and the woman on the other end replied back. They kept in touch and now they are getting married. DREAMS! I've been writing so many blogs about dreams and how much we don't know about them. I think dreams are really special. In one of my old blogs I presented the question, "Can dreams show us the future?" I don't know and I'm not saying that this article is going to make me think that, but who knows. Dreams can send you really beautiful and important messages.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070409/od_nm/britain_text_dc

I have a lot of stuff I need to blog about and not a lot of time. I'm a little behind on writing my thoughts since I went to Chicago with the family this past weekend. It was a lot of fun and very relaxing but I will write more about that later. I have a couple of Korean quizzes in about an hour that I haven't studied for because I didn't know we were going to have them. I guess they learned about the quizzes on Friday while I was in Chicago. So I'm going to study half hour before the quizzes.

I recently got my voice back after I went through a period of colds. I had this one cold in February where I could not stop coughing. After a while I could taste the blood in my throat. After the cold died off my voice was weak and it was hard to talk and sing. I think my voice is finally healed. On our way to Chicago and just lately I've had this urge just to sing all day. Never knew how much I missed singing along with tunes. Its a perfect time to get my voice back because I plan on starting a little solo project here soon too. From now on I plan on respecting my throat and voice and I will try not to be so hard on it. It is something that I value and if I lost it I would be devastated.

When ever I stay at Dean's place his roommate watches Friends, the sitcom, all day. Recently he watched the last few episodes where everyone is going off on their own ways and they all say goodbye. In the show they all talked about how much they are going to miss each other and how much they love each other and I thought to myself, "Can you really find that type of friendship in real life?" I used to think so, but I really don't know anymore. It seems impossible. I really think it would be hard to bring all the pieces together. There are a lot of greedy, envious, corrupt people in the world and in my life. Maybe someday I will have a group of people around me that I will hold that close no matter what.

The more I learn in my Korean class the more I appreciate communication. But I fear that maybe communications between cultures and languages are impossible. Not impossible, but to get your point across completely clear is impossible. There are phrases in Korean that are almost impossible to translate into English and same the other way. You can translate words directly and it will hold the same meaning, but there are little things that are left behind. Elements of respect and other little elements that are small, but little things count a lot I think. It makes me wonder if the world as a whole will ever be on the same page. Probably not huh? Thats really to bad because I think communication and understanding each other is one of the most important elements in a relationship.

One last thing before I end this blog. Have you ever tried to hold back an angry or desperate human being? In my experience it is very difficult to hold back someone that is acting off rage. A good example is in 300 when the captian's son dies and he goes mad. It took a group of spartans, the finest soliders at the time, to hold him back. Amazing how a single emotion can charge someone up so much. I know this is the case for me. I remember back in the day when I would lose my cool often when I played sports with people, people would run away and quit because they were afraid. I think my adenaline is in a league of its own, but everyone has this within them. I am much more mild mannered now, which is good, but I miss being able to lose myself and just acting off pure rage and instincts. Recently we've had new people play football with us and a couple of them commented on how I look so mad when I play football. I wish they would have seen me back in the day. I still remember when I was in like third or second grade it took about five highschool students to hold me back. Thats crazy to think about, that 5 highschool students couldn't hold back an angry third grader. It was a while ago and maybe they weren't trying their headest, I have no idea. I just remember this one guy was challanging me and kept rubbing something in and he said something that tiggered me. I charged him and a couple of guys grabbed me but I pushed them off and then a few more grabbed me and managed to stop me so I punched one in the stomach. Maybe they were trying their hardest. And why are a group of highschoolers letting a third grader play football with them? And why did they let me play basketball with them every summer? Weirdos. Oh well, made me a stronger person I think.

The Early November

Why are goodbyes and "the ends" so tough? I'm foolish to think things last forever.

Last night I went to what might be the last show The Early November plays in Minnesota. And its weird to know that a band I've been following for such a long time is no more. I've had had other bands I loved break up, but this one was kind of different. The fact that I got to say goodbye almost hade it hurt more. The fact that year after year after year they were a band I could always listen to made it hurt more. It is kind of a weird feeling. I've had friends leave me and that broke my heart, but it was a different pain. In my life I've only had one important person in my life pass away and that was my grandma when I was a tiny boy. The pain doesn't effect me now since I was so little I couldn't fully absorb what was going on. I do remember what it kind of felt like and watching T.E.N leave the stage kind of felt like someone I loved was dying. I don't know the guys personally but it didn't matter. It was their music that was dying. Their music no longer has a heartbeat, it is no longer growing. All their songs are just memories now, like pictures of the dead we keep.

Tuesday night I slept over at Dean's. Went to class and went the the B.K lounge for some food because I didn't want to starve while at the show. Peter picked us up from Dean's dorm at 4:00 and we left for Station4 shortly after. We got their way to early so we sat in the car and just chatted. Hopped in the short line and waited for about 15 minutes in chilly weather. Got in and claimed our spots about 5 spaced out rows from the front. There was no one there early. The must have sound checked earlier because we didn't have to wait to long before Nothing Ever Stays hit the stage. And impressive set even though the couldn't play to their full potential because their second singer had a cold. They played a pretty short set and I think this is because they are touring on a bunch of demos and because their singer is sick. A band worth keeping your eye on. I got to talk to the singer after the show becuase I just wanted to tell him they did great. I feel really bad for little bands because no one is moving around while they are playing. It has to be depressing playing for a wall. I told him I was sorry I couldn't jam along. He told me that they will probably try to put something together soon since they recently signed to Ace's label. Pretty cool guys though. I get kind of nervious when I approach bands not because they are a band and I get excited, but because they most likely think I'm a groupie coming up to suck their dicks. Thats not the case for me though. I never really get star struck, and I can't think of anyone that might do it to me either. Maybe Kevin Garnett, but I don't know. I would really just want to sit and chat with him if he had the time. I approach bands because I just want to talk with them and tell them they did great. As long as they walk around and act like human beings, thats how I am going to treat them and not like celebs. But I think they get so used to crazy fans trying to jump over them, they automatically assume someone coming up to them is a groupie. I don't think I'll ever be able to get around that. So thank you you stupid little groupie bitches for making it hard for me to have a real human conversation with artists. Anywho, I digress. Nothing Ever Stays: good. Next: Melee. The band that impressed me most. They put on an amazing show and if the singer actually had a voice I think their music would have been awesome too. The singer had the same thing the singer from NES had. They had a new CD drop on Tuesday and I've only heard two songs off of it but I really like them. Really different from what I usually listen to, but hey, if its good music I will listen to it. I don't like to think of myself as a confined music listener, I will try a little of everything. I just don't want to hear shit about someone being a red neck woman, or something about Portuguese ass-shaking, or things about getting people drunk off of humps. Listen to one of their new songs, "Built to Last," it'll give you a good idea of their beautiful sound. And the singer seemed like a really genuine and nice guy, and I think some of that leaks into his music. They cut their set short because the singers voice was totally shot. I wouldn't mind catching them at Warped Tour or something. Keep an eye out for Melee, I think they got what it takes. Next was The Rocket Summer, my least favorite of the sets. I just couldn't get into the singers voice who sounded like the highest register of a synthesizer. I knew like 3 of their songs just from listening to a lot of the concert music these past two weeks, but I just didn't feel like singing with them. I felt like I was listening to Cute is What We Aim For. I'm sure if you are a 13 year old girl you would love these guys. They put on a good show though. I respect every band that I watch and I would never talk bad about them. I just wasn't into their music. They said they recently playeda tour with Dashboard and it all made sense to me. Then they said they are going on tour with Hellogoodbye soon and it made even more sense to me. I think you get the idea. Finally, The Early November. Finally a pre-rush haha. I remember there was a pre-rush like 15 minutes before Armor for Sleep opened, but here a pre-rush only at the end of the show. It was just that kind of a show. Really poppy and I could see over the heads of all the girls. Anywho, I digress. The Early November pounds out memorable sound after memorable song. I don't think I ever rocked out so balanced before (I hate saying that, rocked out. Sounds so 80's). A fine balance between singing, screaming, moshing, jumping, pushing, hand banging. Usually I only go all out in one category but last night, all out on everything. When I bought my ticket I promised myself I would send T.E.N off the right way and that I wouldn't regret anything. Actually, I do regret something. I regret not punching this stupid girl in the fucking face. "Oh no, you can't hit girls!" Fuck that, yes I can. Look, I respect women. I think they are the oppressed gender and the stronger gender. I would never do anything bad to a woman. I would never do anything bad to a human being unless I had to. Women are, I hope, considered human beings too. I would punch a man if he offended me, I would punch a woman if she offended me. Fair? I think so. But she was one of those pop princess bitches and she hated to fact that I was jumping around and screaming songs I loved. Bitch, you are at a rock show! What the fuck do you expect?! You think their would be more fiesty people at an Underoath show because every one is so amped and everyone is so croweded, but no. Only the pop-rock shows I go to have fiesty people. I think its because at Underoath people expect to be pushing and understand rock concert etiquette. I'm sorry you don't know any of the Early November songs and that you can't actually "feel" the music. Why are you even in the front row anyways? I just don't get it when people come to shows and they sit there with a blank face and they don't do anything. At least sing along. I hate little pop, Fall Out Boy, girl concert goers. If only they understood. Anywho, I should have punched a bitch in the face because I was rocking out and she would stare at me and make disgusting faces. I would look at her everytime she looked at me and she would look away. But then I would catch her again and again like I wasn't going to see her. Little ugly bich too, I won't forget the face. If I ever see her at another concert, she probably won't be breathing out of her nose for a week. Anywho, I digress, not really. T.E.N, annoying pop-princesses, rocking out. Oh, the crowd wasn't the most aggressive crowd I ever been in and I made it to the front row. Oh, and they didn't set up a fence because I guess they didn't expect much crowd surfing so I was actually right next to the stage. Worked my way to front center stage right in front of Ace. Between one of their breaks I hear a voice a few rows back and to my right that sounded a lot like Peter's and I looked back and it was him. Peter yells, "ACE ENDERS!" and Ace stops in the middle of his sentence and he goes, "Yep, thats my name." T.E.N is such a chill band while on stage but they still manage to have a huge presence. Another very memorable moment is when they were quizing us to see what song they wanted to play for us. Joe suggests one song but then Ace quizzes us and suggests Baby Blue. They sit there and debate what song they are going to play. While they are debating I ask Ace, "Is this why you guys are breaking up?" and he stops and jsut laughs and says, "Yea, this is why we aren't a band anymore." I was honestly so close I asked him in a indoor conversation voice. I didn't even have to scream the question. Baby Blue wins and the being to play that, but in the middle of it they got really mixed up and they stopped playing to regroup haha. Everyone looked at Jeff and Jeff just pointed to Bill. It was really funny. A lot of people might be like they are performing, they should be flawless, but I think its great that they messed up. Because now they end their careers as human beings that played music. Not these huge emo-rock figures that everyone worships. They leave as men who produced great music for people. They finally regroup and play out the rest of Baby Blue. Great song after great song. Then Ace finally says thank you guys for everthing but this is out last song. I never thought it would come. The decide to sing "Ever so Sweet" for their very last Minnesota song (even though I knew there was going to be an encore. I was actually hoping that they would save ever so sweet for their encore). Ace pulls out the mic for this song and continues to thank us for everything. I really wish they would have let us thank them during the show. The song starts and Ace starts on one side of the stage and tries to shake hands with every fan. During the song I tried to choke back tears but I had to let a few of them flow. There were so many things that made me cry. It being the end, no more music will be produced my these fine men. And on top of that, the song brought back so many years of memories. I thought about friends I lost because it was The Early Novemer I shared with so many close friends in the past. I thought about the first time I was introcued to T.E.N. I thought about when some of my old friends and I would play Baby Blue together. I thought about just sitting around and listening to their music. I remember one night after their triple disc came out we sat at Jon's and listened to it over a fire and in his hot tub. I remember playing Ever So Sweet at church with an old friend. So many memories linked to The Early November. It was like I was losing those memories. But man, fuck that, I ain't cry didn't that much dog. Haha, just kidding. Amazing, brilliant, stunning, mesmerizing, I just can't think of a word to discribe the way they went out. It was finally goodbye. And I hate goodbyes. I watched them disappear into the back and the "One more song" chants broke out. I could see Bill just standing there and I knew it wasn't going to be long haha. They come back onto the stage and Joe grabs the mic and says, "The funny thing is there isn't any where to go here so we all just ducked behind the drum set." Not Bill haha, but that is just like Bill to be stubborn and lazy. They say that they will play one more song for us off of their EP, "I Want To Hear You Sad." A fan favorite. I was split on wheter I should sing along with "Ever So Sweet" or enjoy their voices only, but I decided to sing along with them for this one. Fitting that they ended with the first T.E.N song I ever heard.

Thank you The Early November for making such great music and letting us escape this world just by turning on one of your songs. Thank you for all the great memories. Memories watching you guys play, but also personal memories that are linked to your songs. I wish I could put it into more sophisticated and poetic words, but I can't. I can only offer a thank you, and you will be remembered and missed.

(Other notes I forgot to mention that I want to remember. They again mentioned D.Smith and told us the story them staying over at his house again. Also, I really wanted to ask Sergio how his fiance was doing since he got engaged at his last Minnesota show. It was cool watching Serge because he style has really changed over these past years. He used to be an all out rocker, spinning his bass and spinning around, yelling and swearing at crowds and crowd surfing. But now he is really mellow and just jams to the music. A really cool evolution to watch.)

ps. "Everything To Cold...But Your So Hot" is ending while I am ending this blog. Very fitting.

pss. I hate goodbyes. Look how long I have to drag this out haha. What a bad ending now.

Kevin "The Big Ticket" Garnett

I've been smashing out these blogs non-stop today. Guess I have a lot to talk about. I just watched the end of the Cavs and T'wolves and my heart was just broken. My heart aches for Kevin Garnett. It aches because I know how it feels. I know how it feels to give everything you have within you only to be disappointed by the people around you. I watched Kevin Garnett's body language, I looked at his eyes, I sensed the his aura, and it all reminded me of me. Of me when I'm playing backyard football with the pals, of me playing basketball last summer with Jon and Dawson and how many times we could have won against the "wegros" but lost, it reminded me of my life. I could feel his blood boiling at the surface of his stomach, the same spot I feel it every time I get frustrated at peoples efforts. I felt his pain and it hurt. It hurts to see someone do everything perfect, put in 200% effort and heart, and not have anything to show for it. It's how I feel a lot of the time. It breaks my fucking heart that there aren't more people like him. What if everyone was that driven? The world would be a more productive place. No one will ever understand people like us. Some people in the room claimed he was angry, and I guess that isn't wrong, but its deeper then that. I wish I could explain it, but I can't. You just have to feel it, but the problem is I know no one reading this has ever felt it.

In the past I would always act up beat when I was around people. The past being early as 2 weeks ago. But lately I just don't feel like being nice to everyone I come across anymore. Knowing that this world is full of shitty people. Knowing that I could be nice to someone, but that that person doesn't appreciate it and won't give me any respect back. Its frustrating. So I apologize in advance to everyone that reads this. Sorry if you are around me and I don't seem so excited to be around you. Its probably because I'm not. For 20 years I did nothing but make people feel comfortable and look where I am now. Alone and lost. There is no need to make the people around you feel better, because it will never benefit you. But trust me, I'm actually a nice person, but life has forced me to become a realist.

One last thing. People suck at driving. I think car horns should be removed from all cars. People are to quick to use it. People think they are immune to mistakes in a car. I drive with to many people who think they own the road. Quick to honk and point out other peoples mistakes even though they didn't do anything. Even quicker to deny their own wrongs.

Damn, I must be bored and really bitchy. Sometimes I just get fed up. You try going through 20 years of shit.

God, Jesus, Heaven, Hell

When I got done writing blogs in the basement of Coffman I left so I could get to Dean's. On the way, these two people stopped me and asked me if I was a student at the U and I told them that I am. Then the guy told me that they are Christians and he was going around asking people about their faith. He asked me, a bunch of questions. "Are you religious?" "Are you a good person?" "Have you ever stolen?" "Ever lied?" "What do I think will happen to me after I die?" I answered his questions honesty and I stayed and chatted with him because I wanted to see what he was getting at. He really got no where. At the end he asked me to decide right there and then if I believed in heaven and god. I told him that I couldn't answer that at the time, because I really couldn't. Show me some proof. I appreciated the talk. I am to open minded not to be open to their views, but I wasn't willing to give them my word. I could have just lied and told them yes, but I am to honest of a person. Before they left, they told me that they would pray for me. I wondered what they would say in their prayers. "Dear heavenly father, please help Min believe and earn a spot in heaven." I doubt that. I know for sure they don't give a shit about if I get in their heaven or not. They actually probably hope I don't get in so they have more of a chance to get in and so their heaven isn't so crowded. What were they really going to say in their prayer? Are they even going to mention my name in a prayer? Or was it just an attempt to suck my money into their church. Their talk just confused me more. I really don't think I can trust anyone of religion because the church has warped their minds.

The walk Dean's was different. As I walked I felt almost hypnotized. Everything that was going on just made it a numb walk. The snow, the wind, the cold, the talk, the lights, the buildings. The wind and snow made the environment mystic, made it beautiful and foreign. The street lights seemed to glow mildly and were more comforting than usual. The buildings seemed to look down at me and critique me. There was a point in my walk where there was no one around me. Not a single physical body. Crowded U of M and there isn't a single body around me. It was kind of eerie but comforting. At that moment, I felt completely alone.

Zombie Dream Chapter 5

I wake up and I spring up like I just woke up from a nightmare. I look around the room quick and I catch myself and ask myself why I am freaking out. I can hear voices outside and next door. I lay back down and think about going back to sleep but I crawl out and see what the other people are doing. Some of the males are checking the cars outside with no protection and it bothers me but I don't say anything and walk into the next room where a bunch of people are chatting and have some brunch. Jon makes fun of my morning hair and I flick him off. I am trying to shake my morning grogginess off and I keep walking with a morning limp. I pretend like I'm a zombie and I attack Dick from behind. He knocks his brunch over and my Mom yells at me. Morning grogginess gone. I look around the room to see who else is eating. I see my sister and Natalie off in another corner and I see the Johnson females and the Franklin females in the other. Tiffany waves as she eats her food and I wave back. I pop a squat next to the boys and I open a bottle of water. Jon asks what time I got to bed and I just tell him late. Dawson then asks me where we are going today and I give him this "I just woke up, shut the fuck up face." I ask them where the other families are and they tell me they are in the room next door. I tell them that the Dads are checking up on the cars without and protection and that when we finish we should go out and keep an eye on them. I get up from the table and I tell them I am going to go visit the other group next door. On the way I walk over to the cars and I drop off a pistol for my Dad. I knock on the door of the other families and I walk in. They are all eating brunch in their pajamas and I ask them how they are doing. They pull up a chair and offer me something to eat but I say no thanks and I have a seat. Jim asks me how I slept and I tell him not to well with a smile on my face. I look around the table and I see Amanda staring at me with a smile and I smile back and she laughs. I ask her what and she tells me my hair is amazing. I look up like I can actually see the top of my head. Then I pat my hair and I feel it sticking up in all directions. I get up slightly embarrassed and Amanda says it looks fine and the whole table laughs. I laugh and say I need to get cleaned up any way and I leave. After I take my shower and I eat I gather everyone to discuss our next move. The Johnson's remind us that we haven't reached Canada yet and that we should keep moving. Sounds good to me. Jim from the other group interjects and asks if we could stay here for one more day. I ask him why? He says that the boy with the broken leg isn't feeling well and another day of relaxing will probably do him some good. I look around to see if anyone from my group has anything to say but all I get are blank stares that suggest I say something. I tell Jim that I think that would be fine. Its already 4 in the afternoon and it wouldn't make much sense to pack and leave so late. I think it would be nice to just sit around and relax for another day. I was also hoping that with this spare time our two groups would interact more and not avoid each other like boys and girls at a third grade lunch table. I look around to see if anyone disagreed with the idea. Cory steps out from the crowd and says that we can't waste another day just sitting around. I say in a light voice, "ah its okay. We're in no hurry." He looks at me with an angered face. He says that this is a dumb idea and that we need to be more efficient. He looks at Jim and tells him that he is sorry but that we are going and that they will have to defend them selves. Jim and I both try to say something but Cory turns to me and says "Who the fuck made you leader?" I tell him no one and I try to explain that I don't think I'm the leader but he keeps yelling in my face. I figure its better if he gets everything out and I let him yell. He finishes and storms toward his room. The air thickens and no one says anything. I break the silence and suggest that if anyone wants to go, they can go with Cory's group and if anyone wants to stay, they can stay with me and Jim's group. The rest of the Johnson's start towards their room and the Christenson's also join them. Everyone from my original group stays with me. Jim walks over to me and tells me that I don't have to do this and that I should go. I tell him that I would rather stay and not to worry about it. I look over to my group and they seem content with staying. Everyone goes off to do their own thing and I stand there and watch everyone go. I feel a hand on my shoulder, it's Amanda. She says in a weak voice, "You don't have to stay," her voice trails off. I look at her. She's looking at the ground and I smile and I tell her that I would rather help her Dad and her group out. She asks me if I'm sure and I tell her yes. I tell her the history behind me and Cory and it clears things up a little. I see the Christenson's and the Johnson's are almost done loading their car and I walk over. A bunch of them walk by me without saying anything. Natalie looks back and says bye before she hops into her car. Tiffany walks by and I wait for her to turn around and say bye but she just hops into her car. The two families start their cars and drive off. Our group watches them disappear and then goes into their rooms. I ask Jim how the boy with the broken leg is doing and he tells me he is fine. I ask Jim for the kids name and I'm kind of ashamed that I don't even know his name yet. Jim tells me the boys name is Danny. I watch everyone go into their rooms and now I'm the only one outside. The evening wind is cooler then it usually is and I sit outside and let it hit me. My Mom calls me in for some dinner so I walk into our room to get a bite. After dinner we sit around and watch some tv. The sun has set and I see some headlights outside the window and I move the curtains to get a better look but the lights shine right in my eyes and I can't make out the cars. I assume it is Cory's group coming back but when the shut the lights off I see it isn't. I open our door and look out at the silhouettes and I yell out Hi. A couple of voices yell hi back and they sound very familiar. I walk towards them and they walk towards me and the first guy I see is Jeff Blanchard from Bloomington. We both go crazy, jump up and down then hug each other. While we are yelling Ben Lee walks out and joins us and then the rest of their group. Now everyone inside heard all the yelling and they begin to pour out. Jon, Dawson and Mitch all run over and join the group hug. My Mom and Dad are pretty shocked and they say hi to the group of guys hugging then they talk to Ben's parents. Both groups shoot a bunch of questions at each other but everyones to loud and no one can make out the answers. No one can believe that our two groups would meet out in the middle of no where like this. We help them carry a few things in and then we just keep talking way to loud. I ask Ben what their plan is and he says that they really don't have one, that they are kind of going around trying to find safe places. I tell him that they are welcome to stay here with us and if they wanted to they could join us in our mission. They say they will bring it up with the rest of their group and that they will decide. After we get some serious talk done, we go back to goofing off. Later that night when everyone is settled in, Jeff and Ben tell me they talked to everyone and they decided that it would be best for their group to leave early tomorrow morning. I ask them why? Their group thinks it would be best not to stay in one spot for to long. Jon tells Ben to go back and beg for our two groups to merge but they say that its already been decided. I tell them that its to bad that we can't work together but I respect their decision. Everyone walks back inside but before I do I catch Jim digging around in his car and I walk over to say hi. When I say hi he kind of jumps then catches his breath and says hi back. I ask him how everything is and he says fine. I tell him that if Danny needs another day that I think I can talk everyone into staying another day. He turns to look at me and he asks if I'm sure and I tell him yes. He says that it would be nice but I hear in his voice that he doesn't want to trouble me. I tell him that it would be fine and not to worry and that its no trouble. He says thank you. I start walking toward my room and he says my name and I stop. He doesn't say anything for a second then he just says goodnight. I say goodnight back and walk into my room. That night I gave the bed up so someone else could sleep on it and I chose to sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I did this because I knew it would probably be another sleepless night. My assumption was true. I roll around for a few hours and I think maybe some fresh air might do me some good. I sneak out of my sleeping bag and out of the room quietly. I open the office door and I find the same chair I used last night, I grab it and make my way to the same spot on the second floor. I check my rifle and pistol. Ready like always. I take a deep breath. The air is thick and humid like it might rain soon and the stars aren't as bright tonight. I just sit back and think to my self since there aren't any stars to gaze at when I hear a clank on the stairs and I jump and I grab my rife. I catch myself and I hope that it's Amanda but I'm still careful. I see that the object doesn't look threating and I whisper Amanda's name and I squint my eyes. Amanda responds and tip toes over and hands be a bottle of water. I tell her with a smile on my face you can't scare me every night like this. She says sorry and pulls some snacks out of a bag. She asks, "Another rough night?" and I tell her yes and I thank her for the fruit snacks as she hands them to me. She thanks me for helping out her Dad and Danny and I tell her that it's not a big deal. I ask her why she isn't sleeping and she just says she is more of a night person and that someone has to keep me company. We sit and chat for a while as we feast on the snacks she brought out. She asks me stuff about Cory and Andy and I tell her more about the history honestly. She asks me if I like Tiffany and I tell her, "Ya, I guess so." She tells me it is kind of obvious and laughs. She asks me about Ben and I tell her about him but I feel bad for only talking about me and I ask her a few questions. The time seems to pass quick and I tell her that we better get some sleep and that it's probably not healthy to lack sleep like we are. She agrees and we walk down together and I walk her to her room like the previous night. She thanks me again for everything and throws a hug on me and we say goodnight. I dive back into my sleeping bag and I wish I hadn't had do many fruit snacks. Has to be unhealthy to snack that late and then go to sleep. I catch my self thinking and thinking and I slowly fall asleep.

Ventilation

Ignore me.

Friend vs. friend, I can see I am overreacting a tad. One left me, the other was just busy sharing his love.
An old friend visits, friendship, no shame in that.
The other: Leaving your loved ones for your own desires, thats called betrayal.

A friend is visiting. Hockey and fun. Understandable. What hurt was not the visiting friend, but another. The timing also was not in your favor.
"Plan on sight seeing and discovering a ghost city filled with curruption." Lies and betrayal. Afraid to tell me the truth? Was it sex? Was it fame? Money? It is something I obviously can't offer you. My love isn't enough. But I see through your lies. The first day of the month brings the day of deceit. Another lie to leave your friends? The holiday of jokes is one that is to important to miss I see. Even if your friend is dying. "Good friends" let others drown. I now know this.

Strange how time works. Strange how the stars are so disorganized perfectly. I polished my priorities and morals recently. I expressed them on a digital canvas. Time and fate were against me today, and showed me that my thoughts are weak. Loyalty is important to me, but not to this jester. Friends are in my heart, but with this fraud. Strange how my morals were rejected so fast by one I considered a best friend. Amazing how we differ so much. My time, energy, and life, were not enough to keep him dear. No worries, you are not the first to reject.

Anger: a powerful emotion.

Trust: difficult to breath life into, easy to kill.

Old memories. A digital journal. I just recently looked back. Our past, full of happiness and hope. I just read over a time where I wrote that I would give up anything just to have this friend near. How foolish of me. I wrote about how happy I was to be around him. How childish of me. Time, fate, memories, they all laugh at me. It angers me that I wasted that time. Time I spent feeding you, when I could have been feeding people who are actually important. More time wasted; Time and energy needed to mend a broken heart. Regret? Yes. I will use my journal to remind me that diamonds are not forever.

I've been fooled.

Thanks. Kind hearts do remain in a black world. Unexpected uplifting. Healing process hastened. But don't give yourself to much credit.

In goes the old, out comes to new. Will you ever look back? No. I have changed. Thrice my heart has been broken. All by artificial brothers. By my brothers and their need for sex, fame, acceptance and liquor. The scars are deeper, darker then ever. Life should be lived defensively, this I have learned.

Forgive one, but not the other. Can we still be friends? Of course. But I see you are not as pure as you present yourself to be. You are dark and cold. I thought I could give you light and warmth. You did not want my help.

Three broken hearts, and a couple more before I am finally free.

The past is the past. Lets live now...

Danny Rogers

So when I'm a computer lab in the basement of Coffman right now and when I got here I looked down to unzip my jacket and when I looked up I saw maybe about 8 faces looking at me and they all turned away quickly because they all got caught staring. It was kind of weird and I thought maybe my hair was messed up or maybe I had a poop stain on my coat or something. But nothing.

Last weekend I got to sit around and relax. I had time to myself and I got to do what ever I wanted. It might sound boring, but it was so refreshing. I didn't have to worry about other people and babysit them. I didn't have to organize events evreyone would think are fun, I didn't have to plan out where we were going to eat, I didn't have listen to ignorant bull shit. I sat in my room and I did homework, read books, played lots and lots of guitar, sat there listened to music and thought about life. When I wanted to interact with people, I just walked out and hung out with my little brother or went up stairs and chilled with my Mom. I'm going to need a few more of these weekends in the future. The weekend really went by to fast. I remember sitting in my room on Sunday asking myself when the hell it turned into Sunday. Saturday I was actually productive and did some homework. I took a nap and that took a bite out of the day, but I managed to chill with Andy and then later Benny came over. When Andy came over I installed Final Fantasy 7 onto my computer and we played that for a little while. Benny came over and we played some Melee. Its amazing what some time off of Melee does to you. Two weeks ago we maybe played like 2 hours of Melee and this past weekend we hadn't played at all. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. Its going to be interesting to see how sharp everyone is when we all come back and play. The playing grounds should be much more leveled. After we smashed for about an hour we went back to some Final Fantasy. The game has been awesome so far. Barret punched a guy in the face out of no where and Andy and I just died! Andy and Mitch left around 3 am. Sunday I woke and did nothing but homework until I had to go to Dean's. Then I just organized what homework I needed to do and just sat around. I wanted to do some HUB shopping but Dean is worried that there will be an FBI crackdown so I didn't. I tried to go to bed but everyone in the room was way to amped that night. One of Dean's roommates mummbles when he usually talks, but it is amazing how loud he is only when I attempt to sleep. I think he secretly hates me. And when I do fall asleep, someone starts yelling or kicks the couch I sleep on. I don't think I ever had a decent nights sleep there, but I can't complain, if it wasn't for that room I wouldn't even be able to attend school.

I have my little brothers name written in my blog notes, but I can't remember why I put it there. It just says Richard, I wish I would have written a sub-note. Something deep within makes me think that I wanted to write something really good about him.
Haha, nice, I just remembered! Amazing how just typing a few sentences triggered my memory. On Saturday or Friday, I don't remember, Dick went out to go watch a movie with his friends. He went with his friends and with out me. A part of me was proud because this means he is growing up and exploring the world with out me and exploring his life post-min. But at the same time, a part of me was sad, because I don't want him to leave, I don't plan on living post-richard, or him living post-min. I know that we will always be there for each other, but it still made me a little sad to see that this is just another person I might have to let go of someday. I hope he had fun though.

The other day I over heard a pitiful story. A girl (I won't mention any names) was telling someone a story about their weekend or a past weekend or whatever, doesn't matter. She said that she had gone out but was to tired to drink. But that all of her friends forced her to drink. The listener told her that it really isn't that hard to pass up booze and she replied that he was wrong, that it is near impossible to deny alcohol. I really thought peer pressure was more of a highschool thing but I guess not. And maybe I was stupid to think that. I am beginning to think that social conformity is something that lasts with us even through adulthood. Until we grow old and gray and finally realize that what society wants us to be doesn't matter. Adults still put in makeup before they go out into public. Why? Because they are afraid of what society will think of them. And why is alcohol so hard to decline? You even see adults pushing alcohol onto each other. If you were full and someone offered you another plate of food, you could easily deny that offer. But, when it comes to alcohol, and you don't want to drink or you are to drunk and someone offers you more, you can't deny. That doesn't make sense to me. Is it really that embarrassing to the people of our society to decline alcohol? Why are people who don't drink outcasts? A very strange concept to me.

The semester is coming to a close and I need to pick a major before I hit 60 credits. That gives me about a 6 week window I believe. I have a couple of ideas but I'm still not completely sure. I think over these next few weeks, a search for a passion is going to be really sensitive. Right now if I had to choose, I think I would pick Moral Philosophy. Kind of out there huh? I still need to research it but they said you could still be artistic with the major and still help people. I know I like art, and I know I want to use art to help people and help them feel things. I want to help people tap into the intangibles. Maybe Moral Philosophy could help me do that, we will see. The story of how I discovered the major is actually kind of cool. I was reading my eblogger comments and Ms. Anonymous left me a comment saying that I had good philosophy. I thought that, "wow, thats a cool word and a good way of putting it." Later that week, I went to a major fair and I saw a poster that said Philosophy in big bold letters. I had to check it out. If anyone has any info that could lead me to an awesome major, philosophy or anything else, please let me know. I need all the help I can get.

Lately I've been playing lots and lots of guitar. When I slept over Dean's dorm on Sunday, the thing I missed most was my guitar. I've been playing it so much that the skin on my fingers are beginning to peel. I still don't think I'm that good at it, but I've improved and I think I can use it to write some music. And right now, writing some music of my own seems fantastic. Writing music is such good therapy to me, and right now I could use some healing. I thought out a couple of original guitar parts that I still want to add more to, but I think they are a good start. I wish I had more music knowledge and more equipment and more skills, but I'll see where this takes me. When I say "takes me" I don't mean publicly or commercially, I mean whether it makes me happier or not. I probably will start a little project here soon. I was trying to think of a deep, dense and meaningful name for my project and I had Vince help me out the other day. He brought up some amazing words and with his help I think I have a good name. I don't want to unveil it right now, but maybe later if everything comes together right.

Recently I asked myself the question: "Do you like things over produced?" And I really don't know. I appreciate things that are well thought out and very polished, but I don't want it to be mechanical. I think there are a lot of things out there that I like over produced, but I'm not sure yet. I know I don't like one thing over produced, and thats a hair style. I like fancy and original hair, but I don't like the preppy wet gel look. I think I need to invest in hair spray and not gel. Does hair spray still hurt the o-zone?

Justin Satterberg

Just a quick blog because I was shaking from not having blogged for more the 24 hours haha, just kidding. I'm not a freak. I sometimes wish there was a blog machine attached to my head at all times, so I can just steam my thoughts onto a blog. There is so many things I think of that I promise I'm going to blog about but forget about.

Here is a quote I just read from someones facebook profile:
"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."- Marilyn Monroe
In the past I would normally just tell myself that it's bullshit and selfish, but now I think those are words of wisdom. Only when you experience pain does it make sense not to try and be perfect. When you try to help others, only you lose. But sometimes, it's still worth it to me, maybe someday, somehow, I can change the world a little.

Here is something I just read out of a Christian youth group book which is actually a very good spiritual read. "...thats not to say that you shouldn't trust your close friends, but you shouldn't become so wrapped up in any one person that your entire well-being depends on their friendship." So even the bible teaches you that being a dedicated friend will only lead to trouble. That is exactly my problem, all my energy goes into keeping relationships healthy, and when it fails, I fail. Is this the same theory I should live by when it comes to women? I always imagined my wife being someone I would invest my whole soul into, my whole life, my whole being. Being bound my marriage means love forever right? Now that I just wrote that out, I think no. Marriage is just a legal bond isn't it? I should really be asking, does being bound by love mean that you are bound together forever? I used to think so, but maybe I need to rediscover what love really means. Love like communication works so much better when it is two ways. I think I have been driving down one way lane.

Yesterday I got home early and I went down to the park and played some basketball with Dick and Jon. It was lots of fun and I really want to get into basketball again soon. Dick won the game of 21 then Jon and I played some one on one. I won the first game, Jon the second and then I won the tie breaker. I wanted to test myself because a few months ago Dean and I played at the Rec Center and I beat him off sheer will. I made up my mind I wasn't going to lose and I pushed myself. I tested my will against Jon and again I came out on top. My determination is something I take a lot of pride in. I think the best comes out of me when I am competing. Some people might think I'm crazy when they see me compete, but I just think they don't understand. Everyone should be driven, everyone should challenge their selves. I think people don't understand me because they aren't driven, people want things to be easy and given to them. I hate to bring this into play again, but again with the pills. People want a quick solution. Thats the world we live in. When I was younger, I thought maybe I was a little crazy for getting furious when playing sports, I no longer I think that. I think people who don't show that emotion are weak.

Fuck, I had something important I wanted to follow up with but I got caught up and forgot what I wanted to talk about. Oh well. I've had a lot of alone time lately and I've been playing the guitar non-stop. My finger tips are really raw and I cut them on something today so it hurts to play, but the guitar has been so kind to me lately. I actually came up with 3 or 4 guitar parts and I am excited to see what I can make of them. I got some musical ideas building up and I really want to express them. Oh, I haven't made a big deal of the Early November concert yet! But this coming Wednesday I am going to the last Minnesota Early November show. I can't believe they are calling it quits. Such an amazing band, I hope they come back together in the future. They aren't playing with anyone I know, but this could be their last show, I have to go. The timing couldn't be any better. Concerts are like a spiritual cleansing to me and I need to be refreshed after all the stuff that has been going on. I think after Wednesday, I will feel a lot better and I think I will be over all of this shit. BUT, I do think come Wednesday, I won't be the same person. I think my "light" has been darkened and my view on the world and people have been tainted. I don't expect me to be the same person. Much more defensive.

I just watched my first episode of Weeds and I'm probably going to go smash another one out right now.

Lafe Smith

I just read an article stating that U.S. sales for sleeping pills hit $3.7 billion last year. Amazing how people are so quick to take a pill. Do you what is actually in it? Do you know who produced it? Do you know what it is doing to your body? We have become a society that relies on the pill to much. We don't challenge ourselves to do things naturally anymore. Don't you think there are reasons why your body is struggling to sleep? Don't you think its some sort of messages? Are you just going to swallow these pills for the rest of your life? All this is actually quite embarrassing. One second, be right back, let me finish reading this article.

"His theory is that during sleep, the brain evaluates recently learned information and decides what to do with it." -Very interesting, something I think I can agree with.

"Sleep is not an optional enterprise. All mammals do it. So do birds, reptiles, and even fruit flies. Rats deprived of sleep apparently die faster than those deprived of food." -We understand that it is not optional, yet we don't fully understand it. Why don't we put some focus into this instead of what we should do about Iraq. Oh right, no one cares about what it means to be human.

Cool article.

Something that kind of relates and is on my mind, again, is Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. How does everyone have this disease? I read that it affects 3-5% of our population and that 3-5% must be located in the northwest suburbs of Minneapolis. I don't remember meeting any one in Minneapolis with ADD, only after I moved to Plymouth. I think the whole idea of ADD is fake, and excuse. It doesn't exist, its a medical excuse excusing people to act stupid. Another excuse to take dugs. Here is a list of symptoms I found: hyperactivity, forgetfulness, poor impulse control, and distractibility. Basically, people that aren't in touch with them selves as human beings. I agree we aren't created equally, but there is no reason you can't sit still, unless you have some physical defect where you ass cheeks are weird. Its sad that western medicine excuses these people. I also read that there is no cure for ADD, probably because you can't cure what isn't there. I was trying to find a stat comparing the U.S to other countries trying to see if ADD was a U.S dominated "disease" but couldn't. Either way, sounds like a bunch of B.S to me. But I shouldn't be to harsh, I'm a person who stays calm even in the most intense pressure situations, maybe I'm being unfair. Nah!

I have another mission/project on top of my RPG mission and blog mission. After I organize my laptop and hard drive, I am planning on making hard copies of all my music files. I enjoy the digital world and I don't think I could last long without it, but it scares me. Things can disappear to quickly and I would be devastated if I lost my music collection, one of my most cherished possessions. Might take me a couple of cds or dvds but it'll be well worth it.

There is this Chinese girl sitting next to me and just her breath is effecting me. What is it about these people? Not that its a horrible thing, there are so many worse things a human being could do, but how does this always happen?

Again, I've found so many things and so many things have found me during a hard time to keep me up. I talked about a couple of times already in the past blogs, but I have a note here telling me to write about it again. It lets me know that there is still some good in this world, even if it is only a little bit. Good is scattered in small pieces all around, sometimes it comes to you, sometimes you have to find it. Its cool to see how people can affect your life and not even know it, its cool to see how unexpected people come out to help you, its cool to see how amazing timing is, its cool to see how people can sense your pain when they haven't even seen you for an extended period of time. Simply amazing. A couple of people I should thank are:
Ving - He was the first to offer condolence, even though we haven't seen each other for probably over a month. He just senses these things. We just recently met, and I don't know much about him, but from what I can see, he seems like a great person.
Peter - Has pretty much been there each step. Manages to keep my chin up every time it starts to dip.
Lysie - Just weird timing. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years and she just happened to call me up during this phase of my life. Had an awesome chat with her while she was in town for her spring break.
Meg&Dia - haha, I don't even know them personally, but their writings sure touch me.
Anonymous blog commenter - haha, I'm glad you wrote one un-anonymous. Thank you again for all your kind words.

One last thing before I end this blog. We are studying world war 2 and the Civil Right movement right now in U.S history and I find both topics to be of interest. Something that really confuses me is how people say the Pearl Harbor attack was cheap because the U.S didn't know it was coming. I'm sure if the roles were flipped, the U.S would have done the exact same thing. What did they want Japan to do, call them, letting them know that they are going to bomb them? "Hey whats up man? We the Japanese military are planning to bomb Pearl Harbor on Dec 7th 1941, so you might want to watch out. We just saw that you guys have a lot of supplies sitting around that area and thought it would be to our advantage to blow that shit up. Thanks, I hope you guys are ready to fight" Why would anyone do that!? It always the loser that brings the winners honor into question. The same thing always happened to me when I used to play Halo2 online. I am going to use everything the game developers put in the game to my advantage. How can anything be cheap if you can do the same thing? Hacking is a different story, but even most glitches I can put up with since they are a part of the game. It always upsets me when people say the "noob combo" in Halo is cheap or when they say frag tagging in Gears of War is cheap. No its not, its in the game, use it. But I guess these are the same kids were taught that the Pearl Harbor attack was cheap. Its baffling to me. And what are all these war rules? How could there be rules to war? "All is fair in love and war," lets just stick to that. I understand people are trying to protect human morals, but I don't see how all of that can mix.

Alright, enough bitching.

Meg&Dia

Meg and Dia both wrote a couple of blogs that I had to gank and post so I could remember. I don't know if its what they intended, but I pulled out some good lessons out of them.



Meg Frampton"s tour blog:

This morning, as I ravenously bit into a bagel and cream cheese from the continental breakfast at our hotel, Shannon received a disconcerting call from Nick. "You guys better come outside," he blurted. I left my bagel barely touched, and paced hurriedly towards our van and trailer. Instantly I detected missing pieces of equipment from our carefully planned out "Tetris" packing in the trailer. Carlo's guitars and pedal board: gone. Jon's bass:gone. Nick's laptop: gone. Yup, we had been robbed. For some reason, my equipment, which was the most easily accessible and not to mention most expensive remained. What luck? Undeserved surely. Carlo realized the situation and immediately lit a cigarette and wandered off to a corner of a parking lot where he could mourn the loss. Jon bent down and tenderly kissed his remaining bass. Nick, as usual, proceeded to take care of business in a stern solemn manner, never once losing his composure. "We are going to need to call the police. We shouldn't touch anything until they get here. Does everyone have insurance?" he spoke as he began to trod back and forth in deep thought. I collapsed onto the cement Indian style. How could anyone do this to us?

We endured the six hour van ride in a grave silence. It could have been worse. Thankfully we're all alive. We muttered these and countless other epithets that usually comfort people in situations such as ours. I wrote in my journal necessary steps needed to be taken immediately:
1. Insure all equipment, 2. bring guitars and all valuables into hotel room every night, etc.I texted other bands about our situation.

We got to the venue. Anberlin, Bayside, and Jonezetta all rushed outside to meet us. I believe I received 27 hugs of concern and affection before I had even stepped out of the van. "I'm so sorry", they all said and then began to relate to us similar stories that they or other band buddies had experienced. In a melancholy tone I reassured them all was well and this too shall pass.

We loaded in with the help of the House of Blues crewmembers.
Afterward, we all congregated in the green room to partake of the excellent catering offered at all House of Blues: macaroni pasta and marinara, pasta and caesar salad, sugar cookies, and candied corn. I never drink caffeine but I felt like I might need a bit to get me through the night so I reached into the Meg and Dia cooler for a diet Coke.

Anthony from Bayside appeared in the doorway with a sly smile plastered on his face and a large envelope in his hand with Meg and Dia scrawled along the front in a hurried hand writing. "This is for you guys" he simply stated and set the envelope in Dia's lap. "What's this?" she asked as she opened the envelope to peer down into a very large sum of money. "No..." she began as her and I both stared in wonder at the timid faces of all the bands all coyly looking in our direction. "Take it," spoke out one of them, "you guys need it. We've all been there". I couldn't believe it. All day I had been questioning if there was any good left in humanity. But here, right in front of us appeared a perfect example of kindness. I won't complain again, I said to myself. I felt companionship with the other people on this tour. We had sealed a bond with their generous gift and our hesitant acceptance of it. If only I could learn to be so generous and supportive of those around me. So different and grand a contrast was this behavior than the stereotypical band.

Weren't bands supposed to trash green rooms and shout obscenities into the crowds adoring and worshipping them?

Bottom line, we are so lucky to be on this tour. I won't forget it or the people that made it. Misfortune has befallen us but within the darkness light was shed, the light of humanity that will remain I believe. That is timeless. Thank you Anberlin, Bayside, and Jonezetta. Your support has been very much appreciated!
March 27, 2007


Dia Diaryblog- New Orleans

March 26, 07

So, I make a lot of our merch designs, and since we are leaving on a new tour very shortly after Anberlin, I started sketching away. I'm terrible with computers, plus I like the feel of pencil to paper "art," so I do them all the slow way. Anyways, I got about four done, and went to scan them in myself at kinkos because Nick was being very impatient with my lazy self that day and told me to go in there, ask for help, and learn how to scan stuff to a disc myself. So I did.
I asked the guy for help, and he gladly obliged, speaking in between scans about his work and his life. It was really weird because he started talking about this lady that had come in the other day with photos of her husband's "last heartbeat." I guess, she got a print from the hospital computers of his last heartbeat and had actually brought it into kinko's. He said she started to cry in between every scan, and inbetween sobbs, asked if he would be so kind as to put it on a disc so she could save it on her computer and look at it and keep it with her forever.
I wish I had a love like that.
However, being around so many "unfaithfuls," as well as my own thoughts, makes the idea of it extremeley depressing.
Sometimes I wonder if she saved the heartbeat to her computer screen. Maybe she pulls it up every now and then, gets a bottle of Merlot, turns on the discovery channel, gives herself a homemade, pathetic manicure...and remembers him.

Dia.
P.s. Our trailor got broken into today. Two guitars were taken. A jazz 1997 Vintage bass, Wireless systems, laptops and guitar boats. It really sucked. However, we're still alive. And the world is still turning.


They both write so eloquently. The blogs timing couldn't be better. During a time where I have been some major soul searching and during a time where I've been doubting people, they write stories about how maybe there is still some good in this world. Its very uplifting. I really like Dia's choice of using the word "unfaithful."

Scott Muer

I haven't gotten around to blogging about my weekend yet.

Friday started out with a little brunch with my Mom. Rock class, then Korean class where we finished My Little Bride which is a pretty good movie. Then I caught the bus where Peter picked me up (Thanks). We went to Ridgedale to buy our Early November tickets at the ticket master booth. We went to every corner of the mall before we found it, no joke, every corner. But we managed to get our T.E.N tickets and we plan to send T.E.N off in style. Sure going to miss their music. After Peter dropped me off because I thought I was going to go out and eat, but ended up not going. Then we all figured we should utilize the wonderful weather so we played catch outside for a little while. Jon left to go play some hockey or something so Peter and I chilled for a little while then Andy came over and so did Mitch. We played a little Melee and just had a really relaxing time. The timing couldn't be perfect. Sometimes I feel guilty when I am going through a tough time because there are so many good things in my life and I don't want to miss them just because I am feeling down. It was fun chilling with such an unusual group of friends. I say unusual because I don't think I can remember when it was just us four at one time. It worked though, everyone was in a good mood and we just goofed around the whole night.
Saturday started with church like usual. We had a little football action planed for 3:30 but I got home late because we had to drop someone off after church and when I got home Jon wouldn't answer his phone. I ran out the door as soon as I got home with my shoes and clothes and found Jon and Andy on Jon's deck chatting. We quickly drove down to the park where Sat and Sonny were waiting for us. We stretched for a little and got the game rolling. Sonny, Andy, and Me vs. Sat, Jon and Nick. I think I dropped the first catchable thrown to me. Jon played quarterback for them so defending was pretty easy, but once in a while Jon would switch off and I would have to gaurd him. Jon is a very dominate player. Our team convincingly won the first game. After people needed to take a little break so we drove over to Jon's for a water break. Then we went back to Bass Lake for one more game, same teams. The game was much closer and we had to go into over time. In over time I made a huge interception that swayed the whole game. I am a little impressed of myself because I rarely make interceptions but I'm glad I chose that time to do it. Someone called me out on the interception, even though I didn't think I was cause I was watching my feet the whole time, so we got the ball close to the end zone. I made a tip toe catch in the corner of the endzone and I thought it was a complete pass but no one else spoke up so we decided to re-do the play. Andy caught the winning pass (little bastard). A very good day of football. The weather was PERFECT! A little wind, a little shade, cool weather, perfect. I've noticed that I make a heck of a lot of tackles and if I'm not the first person to hit the runner then I am involved in the tackle. I always thought defense was my weak point but I guess I should give myself a little more credit. I am the only one that is fast enough and strong enough to defend Jon and I am the only person on both teams that plays with %1000 heart. Maybe add a few more zeros. I am beginning to think I am maybe a better defensive player. After football we went back to Jon's and sat around and chatted for a while. We had our fantasy baseball draft at 8:30 so I went home to shower and do that. I am for once happy with my draft, but that strikes some fear in me. Usually I am unhappy with my fantasy teams and for the past year I have won all my leagues, but now that I am happy with my draft, I am scared that my fortunes will flip. The only mistakes I made were a couple of time mistakes where I was forced to draft before I made a solid choice, maybe my first pick and my last pick since Dean stole a player. Almost a perfect draft. After the draft we dipped over to Applebees and got some wings. The girl that served us went to junior high with me. Isn't it always awkward when you talk to people you know, but don't know well enough to just say hi. Oh well. After Bees we went back to Jon's where we played some Melee. Andy, Dick and I slept over and started our RPG project with Kingdom Hearts. We didn't get very far. We were all tired and sore from football and for some reason we suck at that game. Hopefully we can beat that game pretty quick so we can move onto Final Fantasy 7.
Sunday we woke up a little before noon and continued out RPG mission. Later Jon needed to take a test so we rolled out. I think I took a nap when I got home and then did some homework and organized my life a little.

(I saved this as a draft and now its Thursday so I don't remember much, so I figure just post it)

Dreams

Seems like I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Really vivid dreams that stick with me even after I wake up.

I saw some people playing hacky sack outside the other day and it was amazing. Those people are so coordinated and can hit the sack in any position with accuracy. It made me realize I am not as coordinated as I want to be. That there is a greater level I can work towards. I need to pay more attention to my body.

I've been getting a lot of anonymous comments on my Eblogger. The comments I have been getting have been very uplifting and so if one of the anonymous readers reads this, thank you. It makes me think that there are people out there that understand me. Eblogger users are way different than YouTube users haha. The comments are so different, more respectful, and more intelligent. But I should have expected that from stupid YouTube users. Its amazing that so many random people or unexpected people have been helping me feel better. Maybe there is good in this world, maybe I am to hard on people. Its nice to see people helping complete strangers. One comment was posted just a few minutes after I posted a blog.

I've been dreaming so much lately, and I didn't have a stupid alarm, I would actually finish one. I guess I have a lot on my mind. I had a dream last night where I would hang out with and just chat with a bunch of random people. A new group of people would come over everyday. Each day was fresh and new and everyone was very respectful. Some people were people I knew, some were just random people I've never seen in my life, there were a lot of bands that came over and chatted, and some were celebs. A wide range of people. I don't remember any of the stuff I talked about though. I remember having a chat with David Robinson which was a more serious chat. He seemed like such a wise man. I played video games with Senses Fail. I chats I had with random people I never met were cool to. Just introduced each other and talked about life. I remember hanging out with the Meg and Dia band and I remember that day being one of the funniest days. I remember all of us laughing non-stop and there wasn't a dull moment with those guys. Dreams are so wild. I think my soul or whatever is trying to send a message to my brain or something through dreams. I think deep down inside I know the answers, but I can't find them, but something deep down inside of me is trying to make it easier. Sometimes I wonder if dreams can actually tell you the future. Obviously dreams can reflect on the past, and I firmly believe it can tell you about things going on in the present, but sometimes I think they show you the future. I had "People" dream last night, and then today I read a blog by Dia of Meg&Dia and it really hit me. It made a lot of senses to me. Its weird that I would just have a dream about and then the very next day have Dia touch me through her words.

I've been reading a book about African American movements in the 50s. I can't believe these things happened in the 50's! Its crazy, that doesn't seem like a long time ago at all! I am really glad that that culture has advanced the way it did. Because without the African influence I had while I lived in Minneapolis, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Something I learned while reading this book is that people aren't as ignorant as I think they are. The whites in the book act like they don't know when something is wrong, but I think deep inside they really know. Probably just some defensive mechanism. I think this strategy is used by many people today; even though they know something is wrong, if they hide it and act like its okay, they feel better. Its to bad. I wish people wouldn't cower and face their wrong doings.

I watched 300 again last night, it was still just as good.


"There is no need to be loyal because while you stay in one spot, people will come an go. You might as well save yourself the effort and jump camps too, everyone leaves. You will never be respected"