Chicago with the Famo

I went to Chicago over the weekend and I enjoyed my time there very much. Another relaxing weekend to myself where I could do what ever I wanted and where I could be around people that matter to me.

Last week before the trip I had in my blog notes to metion the tour life but I missed it. Tour life meaning musicians or actors or comedians or whoever that tour and perform every night. Before I die I think it would be amazing to experience that life once. I was really excited when I heard that we would be road tripping it to Chicago. In the past I thought it was a really interesting life style and I recently watched a Taste of Chaos video tour blog and it made me want to write about it. This is what I see: a bunch of people that love what they're doing driving around and performing. They get to see the country and if they are big enough and lucky enough they get to see other countries. Most of the time they are around people they like. They have TVs, movies, video games, laptops, beds, etc. Some people aren't as lucky but they still have CD players, and each other. They work for 2 hours a night and then they get to do it again. Ya, it probably gets old after a while and you probably get sick of the road and you probably get sick of not being able to wash your cloths and taking showers, but still, it sounds fun to me. You also get groupies to chase your bus around haha, just kidding. It just seems like something I want to experience because I love being on the road and making your own entertainment. The trip to Chicago took us about 5-6 hours and it was just to damn short. Felt like 2. I'm talking about being on the road for 12 fucking hours and then you get to your hotel barely and you only have time enough to unpack, eat and watch half of sports center. How sweet is that? A 12 hour ride with people you enjoy being around blasting music, having random conversations and making random shit up to do. If you're lucky, you have a DVD player and you get to mash out multiple movies. And how fun are pitstops? Random shit hole towns and shit hole gas stations with sweet 50 cent sex toys. Yelling about random things you see on the road. All so sweet to me. I suggested to my parents next time we go on vacation, we go some where far, like Australia. Now that would be a cool road trip. Anywho, Tour Life, anyone care to join?

Anyways, back to Chicago. We left hella early and got there with plenty of time and we visited a museum (the one next to Soliders Feild). The museum was pretty sweet. They had this cool dinosaur exhibit. The first thing you see is a built skeleton of a T-Rex and let me tell you, the son bitch is huge! During the dinosaur exhibit my imagination kept going crazy and I kept wanting the dinosaurs to grow muscle and skin and start attacking us. Then I wanted a rifle to form in my hands so I could protect everyone. I think it would be totally rad to be in a jungle surrounded by dangerous dinosaurs that want to eat me. I mean, if I had a shit ton of guns to defned my self with. They had a bunch of other cool exhibits that we went through. I was in a shit load of pictures but they are all on my sisters camera and I hope to get them from her soon. The upstairs had this around the world theme set up. We got to China and I was like eh, and Hawaii and I was like eh, and then I was like yes, finally Japan and samurais, except they didn't have a section about Japanese history. Fuckers. Dick and Leah got really bored so we dipped out a little early and went to Korea town. We hit up some book stores and I was looking for a learn Japanese book but they didn't have any. Oh, while in Korea town I figured something out. That there are actually a lot of hot Korean girls. In a previous blog I wrote that I don't find a lot of Asian girls attractive (member the one about the Japanese voice actor?). I sit corrected, I was a victim if ignorance. I can't speak for all Asian cultures, but I can say I now appreciate Korean and Japanese women. But please, don't push Chinese and Indian women on me, because so far, ew. I need to visit Japan and Korea to fully experience this new found appreciation. Oh, did I mention that I love road trips? Because I love do. On the way to Chicago we watched Babel. A pretty good movie, but nothing I was blown away by. A couple of weeks ago, I asked my self what would it be like to not have one of my 7 senses? I thought about testing myself, thinking being blind or being mute would be the easiest to test. Then I thought to myself that would just be a waste of a day. A waste of my life and that I should just think about it and appreciate how beautiful the world is more and more each day. There was a mute girl in Babel and it made me want to test my self for a day again. But I just think it would be to difficult. I really don't think I could go one day without my senses. And I hate when people try to correct me and tell me I have 5 senses. I say fuck those people. Day one ended with Korea town and then we went to our hotel where we all cleaned up and watched Man vs. Wild together. A really nice little joint being that it only cost us 60 or 70 dollars. We packed up around 9ish and went back to Korea town because my parents wanted to do some hardcore grocery shopping. I think the bill came out to be near $500, but it wasn't all on food. On the way there I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I was completely amazed. If you haven't seen the movie yet and you like movies, do yourself a damn favor and go watch that joint. Thank you Joe Barnett. I should watched it when PD suggested it in 11th grade. Memories kind of remind me of dreams, I don't know why. They just have the same "feel" and "magic" to me. I think I had things I wanted to mention about the movie, but I forgot, tee hee! Just watch it. After I watched Eternal Sunshine we popped in Children of Men which was a pretty sweet joint to but couldn't repeat what Eternal Sunshine did for me. I think it pretty scary that if the government messed up just a little, our world could morph into that movie. The government is given so much power and they could abuse when ever they want. Thats scary to me. We got home on Saturday really early and went out to eat at a Korean restaurant. A lot of Koreaness huh? Oh at the Korean grocery store in Chicago they had these fried squids. I love squid but the fried squid there was so huge I couldn't look at it while I ate it. And at the Korean resturant, I had more squid, tee hee! Not breaded and fried, but its seasoned and stewed...I think. Is that we they call it? I don't know. Regardless, its one of my favorite dishes. I got home and I went over to Andy's house where we played Melee and some ping pong. It was the first time I had been over there in like 3 years. It was kind of weird. I almost forgot the route I usually take and if I knocked or just walked into his basement door. It was kind of a nice feeling to be there though. Like a barrier was knocked over. After we went to my house where we did some DBZ voice overs. They didn't turn out as good. I know why, but I don't care to mention it. It was a weekend well. I wish every weekend could be so relaxing and fun. This black guy just walked by me and he looks like the Unforgivable dude. Anywho, a very fun weekend.

Allison Muer

Couple of random things. 28 Weeks Later is going to be sick son. Its weird because about a month ago I watched 28 Days Later over. It has been far to long since a zombie joint dropped (Grind house doesn't count) and it seems like its been a while since a theater worthy movie came out (300).

I just read a crazy article about a mans dream and how it affected him in real life. In his dream he received a phone number and when he woke up he felt like he need to contact the number. He texted the number and the woman on the other end replied back. They kept in touch and now they are getting married. DREAMS! I've been writing so many blogs about dreams and how much we don't know about them. I think dreams are really special. In one of my old blogs I presented the question, "Can dreams show us the future?" I don't know and I'm not saying that this article is going to make me think that, but who knows. Dreams can send you really beautiful and important messages.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070409/od_nm/britain_text_dc

I have a lot of stuff I need to blog about and not a lot of time. I'm a little behind on writing my thoughts since I went to Chicago with the family this past weekend. It was a lot of fun and very relaxing but I will write more about that later. I have a couple of Korean quizzes in about an hour that I haven't studied for because I didn't know we were going to have them. I guess they learned about the quizzes on Friday while I was in Chicago. So I'm going to study half hour before the quizzes.

I recently got my voice back after I went through a period of colds. I had this one cold in February where I could not stop coughing. After a while I could taste the blood in my throat. After the cold died off my voice was weak and it was hard to talk and sing. I think my voice is finally healed. On our way to Chicago and just lately I've had this urge just to sing all day. Never knew how much I missed singing along with tunes. Its a perfect time to get my voice back because I plan on starting a little solo project here soon too. From now on I plan on respecting my throat and voice and I will try not to be so hard on it. It is something that I value and if I lost it I would be devastated.

When ever I stay at Dean's place his roommate watches Friends, the sitcom, all day. Recently he watched the last few episodes where everyone is going off on their own ways and they all say goodbye. In the show they all talked about how much they are going to miss each other and how much they love each other and I thought to myself, "Can you really find that type of friendship in real life?" I used to think so, but I really don't know anymore. It seems impossible. I really think it would be hard to bring all the pieces together. There are a lot of greedy, envious, corrupt people in the world and in my life. Maybe someday I will have a group of people around me that I will hold that close no matter what.

The more I learn in my Korean class the more I appreciate communication. But I fear that maybe communications between cultures and languages are impossible. Not impossible, but to get your point across completely clear is impossible. There are phrases in Korean that are almost impossible to translate into English and same the other way. You can translate words directly and it will hold the same meaning, but there are little things that are left behind. Elements of respect and other little elements that are small, but little things count a lot I think. It makes me wonder if the world as a whole will ever be on the same page. Probably not huh? Thats really to bad because I think communication and understanding each other is one of the most important elements in a relationship.

One last thing before I end this blog. Have you ever tried to hold back an angry or desperate human being? In my experience it is very difficult to hold back someone that is acting off rage. A good example is in 300 when the captian's son dies and he goes mad. It took a group of spartans, the finest soliders at the time, to hold him back. Amazing how a single emotion can charge someone up so much. I know this is the case for me. I remember back in the day when I would lose my cool often when I played sports with people, people would run away and quit because they were afraid. I think my adenaline is in a league of its own, but everyone has this within them. I am much more mild mannered now, which is good, but I miss being able to lose myself and just acting off pure rage and instincts. Recently we've had new people play football with us and a couple of them commented on how I look so mad when I play football. I wish they would have seen me back in the day. I still remember when I was in like third or second grade it took about five highschool students to hold me back. Thats crazy to think about, that 5 highschool students couldn't hold back an angry third grader. It was a while ago and maybe they weren't trying their headest, I have no idea. I just remember this one guy was challanging me and kept rubbing something in and he said something that tiggered me. I charged him and a couple of guys grabbed me but I pushed them off and then a few more grabbed me and managed to stop me so I punched one in the stomach. Maybe they were trying their hardest. And why are a group of highschoolers letting a third grader play football with them? And why did they let me play basketball with them every summer? Weirdos. Oh well, made me a stronger person I think.

The Early November

Why are goodbyes and "the ends" so tough? I'm foolish to think things last forever.

Last night I went to what might be the last show The Early November plays in Minnesota. And its weird to know that a band I've been following for such a long time is no more. I've had had other bands I loved break up, but this one was kind of different. The fact that I got to say goodbye almost hade it hurt more. The fact that year after year after year they were a band I could always listen to made it hurt more. It is kind of a weird feeling. I've had friends leave me and that broke my heart, but it was a different pain. In my life I've only had one important person in my life pass away and that was my grandma when I was a tiny boy. The pain doesn't effect me now since I was so little I couldn't fully absorb what was going on. I do remember what it kind of felt like and watching T.E.N leave the stage kind of felt like someone I loved was dying. I don't know the guys personally but it didn't matter. It was their music that was dying. Their music no longer has a heartbeat, it is no longer growing. All their songs are just memories now, like pictures of the dead we keep.

Tuesday night I slept over at Dean's. Went to class and went the the B.K lounge for some food because I didn't want to starve while at the show. Peter picked us up from Dean's dorm at 4:00 and we left for Station4 shortly after. We got their way to early so we sat in the car and just chatted. Hopped in the short line and waited for about 15 minutes in chilly weather. Got in and claimed our spots about 5 spaced out rows from the front. There was no one there early. The must have sound checked earlier because we didn't have to wait to long before Nothing Ever Stays hit the stage. And impressive set even though the couldn't play to their full potential because their second singer had a cold. They played a pretty short set and I think this is because they are touring on a bunch of demos and because their singer is sick. A band worth keeping your eye on. I got to talk to the singer after the show becuase I just wanted to tell him they did great. I feel really bad for little bands because no one is moving around while they are playing. It has to be depressing playing for a wall. I told him I was sorry I couldn't jam along. He told me that they will probably try to put something together soon since they recently signed to Ace's label. Pretty cool guys though. I get kind of nervious when I approach bands not because they are a band and I get excited, but because they most likely think I'm a groupie coming up to suck their dicks. Thats not the case for me though. I never really get star struck, and I can't think of anyone that might do it to me either. Maybe Kevin Garnett, but I don't know. I would really just want to sit and chat with him if he had the time. I approach bands because I just want to talk with them and tell them they did great. As long as they walk around and act like human beings, thats how I am going to treat them and not like celebs. But I think they get so used to crazy fans trying to jump over them, they automatically assume someone coming up to them is a groupie. I don't think I'll ever be able to get around that. So thank you you stupid little groupie bitches for making it hard for me to have a real human conversation with artists. Anywho, I digress. Nothing Ever Stays: good. Next: Melee. The band that impressed me most. They put on an amazing show and if the singer actually had a voice I think their music would have been awesome too. The singer had the same thing the singer from NES had. They had a new CD drop on Tuesday and I've only heard two songs off of it but I really like them. Really different from what I usually listen to, but hey, if its good music I will listen to it. I don't like to think of myself as a confined music listener, I will try a little of everything. I just don't want to hear shit about someone being a red neck woman, or something about Portuguese ass-shaking, or things about getting people drunk off of humps. Listen to one of their new songs, "Built to Last," it'll give you a good idea of their beautiful sound. And the singer seemed like a really genuine and nice guy, and I think some of that leaks into his music. They cut their set short because the singers voice was totally shot. I wouldn't mind catching them at Warped Tour or something. Keep an eye out for Melee, I think they got what it takes. Next was The Rocket Summer, my least favorite of the sets. I just couldn't get into the singers voice who sounded like the highest register of a synthesizer. I knew like 3 of their songs just from listening to a lot of the concert music these past two weeks, but I just didn't feel like singing with them. I felt like I was listening to Cute is What We Aim For. I'm sure if you are a 13 year old girl you would love these guys. They put on a good show though. I respect every band that I watch and I would never talk bad about them. I just wasn't into their music. They said they recently playeda tour with Dashboard and it all made sense to me. Then they said they are going on tour with Hellogoodbye soon and it made even more sense to me. I think you get the idea. Finally, The Early November. Finally a pre-rush haha. I remember there was a pre-rush like 15 minutes before Armor for Sleep opened, but here a pre-rush only at the end of the show. It was just that kind of a show. Really poppy and I could see over the heads of all the girls. Anywho, I digress. The Early November pounds out memorable sound after memorable song. I don't think I ever rocked out so balanced before (I hate saying that, rocked out. Sounds so 80's). A fine balance between singing, screaming, moshing, jumping, pushing, hand banging. Usually I only go all out in one category but last night, all out on everything. When I bought my ticket I promised myself I would send T.E.N off the right way and that I wouldn't regret anything. Actually, I do regret something. I regret not punching this stupid girl in the fucking face. "Oh no, you can't hit girls!" Fuck that, yes I can. Look, I respect women. I think they are the oppressed gender and the stronger gender. I would never do anything bad to a woman. I would never do anything bad to a human being unless I had to. Women are, I hope, considered human beings too. I would punch a man if he offended me, I would punch a woman if she offended me. Fair? I think so. But she was one of those pop princess bitches and she hated to fact that I was jumping around and screaming songs I loved. Bitch, you are at a rock show! What the fuck do you expect?! You think their would be more fiesty people at an Underoath show because every one is so amped and everyone is so croweded, but no. Only the pop-rock shows I go to have fiesty people. I think its because at Underoath people expect to be pushing and understand rock concert etiquette. I'm sorry you don't know any of the Early November songs and that you can't actually "feel" the music. Why are you even in the front row anyways? I just don't get it when people come to shows and they sit there with a blank face and they don't do anything. At least sing along. I hate little pop, Fall Out Boy, girl concert goers. If only they understood. Anywho, I should have punched a bitch in the face because I was rocking out and she would stare at me and make disgusting faces. I would look at her everytime she looked at me and she would look away. But then I would catch her again and again like I wasn't going to see her. Little ugly bich too, I won't forget the face. If I ever see her at another concert, she probably won't be breathing out of her nose for a week. Anywho, I digress, not really. T.E.N, annoying pop-princesses, rocking out. Oh, the crowd wasn't the most aggressive crowd I ever been in and I made it to the front row. Oh, and they didn't set up a fence because I guess they didn't expect much crowd surfing so I was actually right next to the stage. Worked my way to front center stage right in front of Ace. Between one of their breaks I hear a voice a few rows back and to my right that sounded a lot like Peter's and I looked back and it was him. Peter yells, "ACE ENDERS!" and Ace stops in the middle of his sentence and he goes, "Yep, thats my name." T.E.N is such a chill band while on stage but they still manage to have a huge presence. Another very memorable moment is when they were quizing us to see what song they wanted to play for us. Joe suggests one song but then Ace quizzes us and suggests Baby Blue. They sit there and debate what song they are going to play. While they are debating I ask Ace, "Is this why you guys are breaking up?" and he stops and jsut laughs and says, "Yea, this is why we aren't a band anymore." I was honestly so close I asked him in a indoor conversation voice. I didn't even have to scream the question. Baby Blue wins and the being to play that, but in the middle of it they got really mixed up and they stopped playing to regroup haha. Everyone looked at Jeff and Jeff just pointed to Bill. It was really funny. A lot of people might be like they are performing, they should be flawless, but I think its great that they messed up. Because now they end their careers as human beings that played music. Not these huge emo-rock figures that everyone worships. They leave as men who produced great music for people. They finally regroup and play out the rest of Baby Blue. Great song after great song. Then Ace finally says thank you guys for everthing but this is out last song. I never thought it would come. The decide to sing "Ever so Sweet" for their very last Minnesota song (even though I knew there was going to be an encore. I was actually hoping that they would save ever so sweet for their encore). Ace pulls out the mic for this song and continues to thank us for everything. I really wish they would have let us thank them during the show. The song starts and Ace starts on one side of the stage and tries to shake hands with every fan. During the song I tried to choke back tears but I had to let a few of them flow. There were so many things that made me cry. It being the end, no more music will be produced my these fine men. And on top of that, the song brought back so many years of memories. I thought about friends I lost because it was The Early Novemer I shared with so many close friends in the past. I thought about the first time I was introcued to T.E.N. I thought about when some of my old friends and I would play Baby Blue together. I thought about just sitting around and listening to their music. I remember one night after their triple disc came out we sat at Jon's and listened to it over a fire and in his hot tub. I remember playing Ever So Sweet at church with an old friend. So many memories linked to The Early November. It was like I was losing those memories. But man, fuck that, I ain't cry didn't that much dog. Haha, just kidding. Amazing, brilliant, stunning, mesmerizing, I just can't think of a word to discribe the way they went out. It was finally goodbye. And I hate goodbyes. I watched them disappear into the back and the "One more song" chants broke out. I could see Bill just standing there and I knew it wasn't going to be long haha. They come back onto the stage and Joe grabs the mic and says, "The funny thing is there isn't any where to go here so we all just ducked behind the drum set." Not Bill haha, but that is just like Bill to be stubborn and lazy. They say that they will play one more song for us off of their EP, "I Want To Hear You Sad." A fan favorite. I was split on wheter I should sing along with "Ever So Sweet" or enjoy their voices only, but I decided to sing along with them for this one. Fitting that they ended with the first T.E.N song I ever heard.

Thank you The Early November for making such great music and letting us escape this world just by turning on one of your songs. Thank you for all the great memories. Memories watching you guys play, but also personal memories that are linked to your songs. I wish I could put it into more sophisticated and poetic words, but I can't. I can only offer a thank you, and you will be remembered and missed.

(Other notes I forgot to mention that I want to remember. They again mentioned D.Smith and told us the story them staying over at his house again. Also, I really wanted to ask Sergio how his fiance was doing since he got engaged at his last Minnesota show. It was cool watching Serge because he style has really changed over these past years. He used to be an all out rocker, spinning his bass and spinning around, yelling and swearing at crowds and crowd surfing. But now he is really mellow and just jams to the music. A really cool evolution to watch.)

ps. "Everything To Cold...But Your So Hot" is ending while I am ending this blog. Very fitting.

pss. I hate goodbyes. Look how long I have to drag this out haha. What a bad ending now.

Kevin "The Big Ticket" Garnett

I've been smashing out these blogs non-stop today. Guess I have a lot to talk about. I just watched the end of the Cavs and T'wolves and my heart was just broken. My heart aches for Kevin Garnett. It aches because I know how it feels. I know how it feels to give everything you have within you only to be disappointed by the people around you. I watched Kevin Garnett's body language, I looked at his eyes, I sensed the his aura, and it all reminded me of me. Of me when I'm playing backyard football with the pals, of me playing basketball last summer with Jon and Dawson and how many times we could have won against the "wegros" but lost, it reminded me of my life. I could feel his blood boiling at the surface of his stomach, the same spot I feel it every time I get frustrated at peoples efforts. I felt his pain and it hurt. It hurts to see someone do everything perfect, put in 200% effort and heart, and not have anything to show for it. It's how I feel a lot of the time. It breaks my fucking heart that there aren't more people like him. What if everyone was that driven? The world would be a more productive place. No one will ever understand people like us. Some people in the room claimed he was angry, and I guess that isn't wrong, but its deeper then that. I wish I could explain it, but I can't. You just have to feel it, but the problem is I know no one reading this has ever felt it.

In the past I would always act up beat when I was around people. The past being early as 2 weeks ago. But lately I just don't feel like being nice to everyone I come across anymore. Knowing that this world is full of shitty people. Knowing that I could be nice to someone, but that that person doesn't appreciate it and won't give me any respect back. Its frustrating. So I apologize in advance to everyone that reads this. Sorry if you are around me and I don't seem so excited to be around you. Its probably because I'm not. For 20 years I did nothing but make people feel comfortable and look where I am now. Alone and lost. There is no need to make the people around you feel better, because it will never benefit you. But trust me, I'm actually a nice person, but life has forced me to become a realist.

One last thing. People suck at driving. I think car horns should be removed from all cars. People are to quick to use it. People think they are immune to mistakes in a car. I drive with to many people who think they own the road. Quick to honk and point out other peoples mistakes even though they didn't do anything. Even quicker to deny their own wrongs.

Damn, I must be bored and really bitchy. Sometimes I just get fed up. You try going through 20 years of shit.

God, Jesus, Heaven, Hell

When I got done writing blogs in the basement of Coffman I left so I could get to Dean's. On the way, these two people stopped me and asked me if I was a student at the U and I told them that I am. Then the guy told me that they are Christians and he was going around asking people about their faith. He asked me, a bunch of questions. "Are you religious?" "Are you a good person?" "Have you ever stolen?" "Ever lied?" "What do I think will happen to me after I die?" I answered his questions honesty and I stayed and chatted with him because I wanted to see what he was getting at. He really got no where. At the end he asked me to decide right there and then if I believed in heaven and god. I told him that I couldn't answer that at the time, because I really couldn't. Show me some proof. I appreciated the talk. I am to open minded not to be open to their views, but I wasn't willing to give them my word. I could have just lied and told them yes, but I am to honest of a person. Before they left, they told me that they would pray for me. I wondered what they would say in their prayers. "Dear heavenly father, please help Min believe and earn a spot in heaven." I doubt that. I know for sure they don't give a shit about if I get in their heaven or not. They actually probably hope I don't get in so they have more of a chance to get in and so their heaven isn't so crowded. What were they really going to say in their prayer? Are they even going to mention my name in a prayer? Or was it just an attempt to suck my money into their church. Their talk just confused me more. I really don't think I can trust anyone of religion because the church has warped their minds.

The walk Dean's was different. As I walked I felt almost hypnotized. Everything that was going on just made it a numb walk. The snow, the wind, the cold, the talk, the lights, the buildings. The wind and snow made the environment mystic, made it beautiful and foreign. The street lights seemed to glow mildly and were more comforting than usual. The buildings seemed to look down at me and critique me. There was a point in my walk where there was no one around me. Not a single physical body. Crowded U of M and there isn't a single body around me. It was kind of eerie but comforting. At that moment, I felt completely alone.

Zombie Dream Chapter 5

I wake up and I spring up like I just woke up from a nightmare. I look around the room quick and I catch myself and ask myself why I am freaking out. I can hear voices outside and next door. I lay back down and think about going back to sleep but I crawl out and see what the other people are doing. Some of the males are checking the cars outside with no protection and it bothers me but I don't say anything and walk into the next room where a bunch of people are chatting and have some brunch. Jon makes fun of my morning hair and I flick him off. I am trying to shake my morning grogginess off and I keep walking with a morning limp. I pretend like I'm a zombie and I attack Dick from behind. He knocks his brunch over and my Mom yells at me. Morning grogginess gone. I look around the room to see who else is eating. I see my sister and Natalie off in another corner and I see the Johnson females and the Franklin females in the other. Tiffany waves as she eats her food and I wave back. I pop a squat next to the boys and I open a bottle of water. Jon asks what time I got to bed and I just tell him late. Dawson then asks me where we are going today and I give him this "I just woke up, shut the fuck up face." I ask them where the other families are and they tell me they are in the room next door. I tell them that the Dads are checking up on the cars without and protection and that when we finish we should go out and keep an eye on them. I get up from the table and I tell them I am going to go visit the other group next door. On the way I walk over to the cars and I drop off a pistol for my Dad. I knock on the door of the other families and I walk in. They are all eating brunch in their pajamas and I ask them how they are doing. They pull up a chair and offer me something to eat but I say no thanks and I have a seat. Jim asks me how I slept and I tell him not to well with a smile on my face. I look around the table and I see Amanda staring at me with a smile and I smile back and she laughs. I ask her what and she tells me my hair is amazing. I look up like I can actually see the top of my head. Then I pat my hair and I feel it sticking up in all directions. I get up slightly embarrassed and Amanda says it looks fine and the whole table laughs. I laugh and say I need to get cleaned up any way and I leave. After I take my shower and I eat I gather everyone to discuss our next move. The Johnson's remind us that we haven't reached Canada yet and that we should keep moving. Sounds good to me. Jim from the other group interjects and asks if we could stay here for one more day. I ask him why? He says that the boy with the broken leg isn't feeling well and another day of relaxing will probably do him some good. I look around to see if anyone from my group has anything to say but all I get are blank stares that suggest I say something. I tell Jim that I think that would be fine. Its already 4 in the afternoon and it wouldn't make much sense to pack and leave so late. I think it would be nice to just sit around and relax for another day. I was also hoping that with this spare time our two groups would interact more and not avoid each other like boys and girls at a third grade lunch table. I look around to see if anyone disagreed with the idea. Cory steps out from the crowd and says that we can't waste another day just sitting around. I say in a light voice, "ah its okay. We're in no hurry." He looks at me with an angered face. He says that this is a dumb idea and that we need to be more efficient. He looks at Jim and tells him that he is sorry but that we are going and that they will have to defend them selves. Jim and I both try to say something but Cory turns to me and says "Who the fuck made you leader?" I tell him no one and I try to explain that I don't think I'm the leader but he keeps yelling in my face. I figure its better if he gets everything out and I let him yell. He finishes and storms toward his room. The air thickens and no one says anything. I break the silence and suggest that if anyone wants to go, they can go with Cory's group and if anyone wants to stay, they can stay with me and Jim's group. The rest of the Johnson's start towards their room and the Christenson's also join them. Everyone from my original group stays with me. Jim walks over to me and tells me that I don't have to do this and that I should go. I tell him that I would rather stay and not to worry about it. I look over to my group and they seem content with staying. Everyone goes off to do their own thing and I stand there and watch everyone go. I feel a hand on my shoulder, it's Amanda. She says in a weak voice, "You don't have to stay," her voice trails off. I look at her. She's looking at the ground and I smile and I tell her that I would rather help her Dad and her group out. She asks me if I'm sure and I tell her yes. I tell her the history behind me and Cory and it clears things up a little. I see the Christenson's and the Johnson's are almost done loading their car and I walk over. A bunch of them walk by me without saying anything. Natalie looks back and says bye before she hops into her car. Tiffany walks by and I wait for her to turn around and say bye but she just hops into her car. The two families start their cars and drive off. Our group watches them disappear and then goes into their rooms. I ask Jim how the boy with the broken leg is doing and he tells me he is fine. I ask Jim for the kids name and I'm kind of ashamed that I don't even know his name yet. Jim tells me the boys name is Danny. I watch everyone go into their rooms and now I'm the only one outside. The evening wind is cooler then it usually is and I sit outside and let it hit me. My Mom calls me in for some dinner so I walk into our room to get a bite. After dinner we sit around and watch some tv. The sun has set and I see some headlights outside the window and I move the curtains to get a better look but the lights shine right in my eyes and I can't make out the cars. I assume it is Cory's group coming back but when the shut the lights off I see it isn't. I open our door and look out at the silhouettes and I yell out Hi. A couple of voices yell hi back and they sound very familiar. I walk towards them and they walk towards me and the first guy I see is Jeff Blanchard from Bloomington. We both go crazy, jump up and down then hug each other. While we are yelling Ben Lee walks out and joins us and then the rest of their group. Now everyone inside heard all the yelling and they begin to pour out. Jon, Dawson and Mitch all run over and join the group hug. My Mom and Dad are pretty shocked and they say hi to the group of guys hugging then they talk to Ben's parents. Both groups shoot a bunch of questions at each other but everyones to loud and no one can make out the answers. No one can believe that our two groups would meet out in the middle of no where like this. We help them carry a few things in and then we just keep talking way to loud. I ask Ben what their plan is and he says that they really don't have one, that they are kind of going around trying to find safe places. I tell him that they are welcome to stay here with us and if they wanted to they could join us in our mission. They say they will bring it up with the rest of their group and that they will decide. After we get some serious talk done, we go back to goofing off. Later that night when everyone is settled in, Jeff and Ben tell me they talked to everyone and they decided that it would be best for their group to leave early tomorrow morning. I ask them why? Their group thinks it would be best not to stay in one spot for to long. Jon tells Ben to go back and beg for our two groups to merge but they say that its already been decided. I tell them that its to bad that we can't work together but I respect their decision. Everyone walks back inside but before I do I catch Jim digging around in his car and I walk over to say hi. When I say hi he kind of jumps then catches his breath and says hi back. I ask him how everything is and he says fine. I tell him that if Danny needs another day that I think I can talk everyone into staying another day. He turns to look at me and he asks if I'm sure and I tell him yes. He says that it would be nice but I hear in his voice that he doesn't want to trouble me. I tell him that it would be fine and not to worry and that its no trouble. He says thank you. I start walking toward my room and he says my name and I stop. He doesn't say anything for a second then he just says goodnight. I say goodnight back and walk into my room. That night I gave the bed up so someone else could sleep on it and I chose to sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I did this because I knew it would probably be another sleepless night. My assumption was true. I roll around for a few hours and I think maybe some fresh air might do me some good. I sneak out of my sleeping bag and out of the room quietly. I open the office door and I find the same chair I used last night, I grab it and make my way to the same spot on the second floor. I check my rifle and pistol. Ready like always. I take a deep breath. The air is thick and humid like it might rain soon and the stars aren't as bright tonight. I just sit back and think to my self since there aren't any stars to gaze at when I hear a clank on the stairs and I jump and I grab my rife. I catch myself and I hope that it's Amanda but I'm still careful. I see that the object doesn't look threating and I whisper Amanda's name and I squint my eyes. Amanda responds and tip toes over and hands be a bottle of water. I tell her with a smile on my face you can't scare me every night like this. She says sorry and pulls some snacks out of a bag. She asks, "Another rough night?" and I tell her yes and I thank her for the fruit snacks as she hands them to me. She thanks me for helping out her Dad and Danny and I tell her that it's not a big deal. I ask her why she isn't sleeping and she just says she is more of a night person and that someone has to keep me company. We sit and chat for a while as we feast on the snacks she brought out. She asks me stuff about Cory and Andy and I tell her more about the history honestly. She asks me if I like Tiffany and I tell her, "Ya, I guess so." She tells me it is kind of obvious and laughs. She asks me about Ben and I tell her about him but I feel bad for only talking about me and I ask her a few questions. The time seems to pass quick and I tell her that we better get some sleep and that it's probably not healthy to lack sleep like we are. She agrees and we walk down together and I walk her to her room like the previous night. She thanks me again for everything and throws a hug on me and we say goodnight. I dive back into my sleeping bag and I wish I hadn't had do many fruit snacks. Has to be unhealthy to snack that late and then go to sleep. I catch my self thinking and thinking and I slowly fall asleep.

Ventilation

Ignore me.

Friend vs. friend, I can see I am overreacting a tad. One left me, the other was just busy sharing his love.
An old friend visits, friendship, no shame in that.
The other: Leaving your loved ones for your own desires, thats called betrayal.

A friend is visiting. Hockey and fun. Understandable. What hurt was not the visiting friend, but another. The timing also was not in your favor.
"Plan on sight seeing and discovering a ghost city filled with curruption." Lies and betrayal. Afraid to tell me the truth? Was it sex? Was it fame? Money? It is something I obviously can't offer you. My love isn't enough. But I see through your lies. The first day of the month brings the day of deceit. Another lie to leave your friends? The holiday of jokes is one that is to important to miss I see. Even if your friend is dying. "Good friends" let others drown. I now know this.

Strange how time works. Strange how the stars are so disorganized perfectly. I polished my priorities and morals recently. I expressed them on a digital canvas. Time and fate were against me today, and showed me that my thoughts are weak. Loyalty is important to me, but not to this jester. Friends are in my heart, but with this fraud. Strange how my morals were rejected so fast by one I considered a best friend. Amazing how we differ so much. My time, energy, and life, were not enough to keep him dear. No worries, you are not the first to reject.

Anger: a powerful emotion.

Trust: difficult to breath life into, easy to kill.

Old memories. A digital journal. I just recently looked back. Our past, full of happiness and hope. I just read over a time where I wrote that I would give up anything just to have this friend near. How foolish of me. I wrote about how happy I was to be around him. How childish of me. Time, fate, memories, they all laugh at me. It angers me that I wasted that time. Time I spent feeding you, when I could have been feeding people who are actually important. More time wasted; Time and energy needed to mend a broken heart. Regret? Yes. I will use my journal to remind me that diamonds are not forever.

I've been fooled.

Thanks. Kind hearts do remain in a black world. Unexpected uplifting. Healing process hastened. But don't give yourself to much credit.

In goes the old, out comes to new. Will you ever look back? No. I have changed. Thrice my heart has been broken. All by artificial brothers. By my brothers and their need for sex, fame, acceptance and liquor. The scars are deeper, darker then ever. Life should be lived defensively, this I have learned.

Forgive one, but not the other. Can we still be friends? Of course. But I see you are not as pure as you present yourself to be. You are dark and cold. I thought I could give you light and warmth. You did not want my help.

Three broken hearts, and a couple more before I am finally free.

The past is the past. Lets live now...

Danny Rogers

So when I'm a computer lab in the basement of Coffman right now and when I got here I looked down to unzip my jacket and when I looked up I saw maybe about 8 faces looking at me and they all turned away quickly because they all got caught staring. It was kind of weird and I thought maybe my hair was messed up or maybe I had a poop stain on my coat or something. But nothing.

Last weekend I got to sit around and relax. I had time to myself and I got to do what ever I wanted. It might sound boring, but it was so refreshing. I didn't have to worry about other people and babysit them. I didn't have to organize events evreyone would think are fun, I didn't have to plan out where we were going to eat, I didn't have listen to ignorant bull shit. I sat in my room and I did homework, read books, played lots and lots of guitar, sat there listened to music and thought about life. When I wanted to interact with people, I just walked out and hung out with my little brother or went up stairs and chilled with my Mom. I'm going to need a few more of these weekends in the future. The weekend really went by to fast. I remember sitting in my room on Sunday asking myself when the hell it turned into Sunday. Saturday I was actually productive and did some homework. I took a nap and that took a bite out of the day, but I managed to chill with Andy and then later Benny came over. When Andy came over I installed Final Fantasy 7 onto my computer and we played that for a little while. Benny came over and we played some Melee. Its amazing what some time off of Melee does to you. Two weeks ago we maybe played like 2 hours of Melee and this past weekend we hadn't played at all. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. Its going to be interesting to see how sharp everyone is when we all come back and play. The playing grounds should be much more leveled. After we smashed for about an hour we went back to some Final Fantasy. The game has been awesome so far. Barret punched a guy in the face out of no where and Andy and I just died! Andy and Mitch left around 3 am. Sunday I woke and did nothing but homework until I had to go to Dean's. Then I just organized what homework I needed to do and just sat around. I wanted to do some HUB shopping but Dean is worried that there will be an FBI crackdown so I didn't. I tried to go to bed but everyone in the room was way to amped that night. One of Dean's roommates mummbles when he usually talks, but it is amazing how loud he is only when I attempt to sleep. I think he secretly hates me. And when I do fall asleep, someone starts yelling or kicks the couch I sleep on. I don't think I ever had a decent nights sleep there, but I can't complain, if it wasn't for that room I wouldn't even be able to attend school.

I have my little brothers name written in my blog notes, but I can't remember why I put it there. It just says Richard, I wish I would have written a sub-note. Something deep within makes me think that I wanted to write something really good about him.
Haha, nice, I just remembered! Amazing how just typing a few sentences triggered my memory. On Saturday or Friday, I don't remember, Dick went out to go watch a movie with his friends. He went with his friends and with out me. A part of me was proud because this means he is growing up and exploring the world with out me and exploring his life post-min. But at the same time, a part of me was sad, because I don't want him to leave, I don't plan on living post-richard, or him living post-min. I know that we will always be there for each other, but it still made me a little sad to see that this is just another person I might have to let go of someday. I hope he had fun though.

The other day I over heard a pitiful story. A girl (I won't mention any names) was telling someone a story about their weekend or a past weekend or whatever, doesn't matter. She said that she had gone out but was to tired to drink. But that all of her friends forced her to drink. The listener told her that it really isn't that hard to pass up booze and she replied that he was wrong, that it is near impossible to deny alcohol. I really thought peer pressure was more of a highschool thing but I guess not. And maybe I was stupid to think that. I am beginning to think that social conformity is something that lasts with us even through adulthood. Until we grow old and gray and finally realize that what society wants us to be doesn't matter. Adults still put in makeup before they go out into public. Why? Because they are afraid of what society will think of them. And why is alcohol so hard to decline? You even see adults pushing alcohol onto each other. If you were full and someone offered you another plate of food, you could easily deny that offer. But, when it comes to alcohol, and you don't want to drink or you are to drunk and someone offers you more, you can't deny. That doesn't make sense to me. Is it really that embarrassing to the people of our society to decline alcohol? Why are people who don't drink outcasts? A very strange concept to me.

The semester is coming to a close and I need to pick a major before I hit 60 credits. That gives me about a 6 week window I believe. I have a couple of ideas but I'm still not completely sure. I think over these next few weeks, a search for a passion is going to be really sensitive. Right now if I had to choose, I think I would pick Moral Philosophy. Kind of out there huh? I still need to research it but they said you could still be artistic with the major and still help people. I know I like art, and I know I want to use art to help people and help them feel things. I want to help people tap into the intangibles. Maybe Moral Philosophy could help me do that, we will see. The story of how I discovered the major is actually kind of cool. I was reading my eblogger comments and Ms. Anonymous left me a comment saying that I had good philosophy. I thought that, "wow, thats a cool word and a good way of putting it." Later that week, I went to a major fair and I saw a poster that said Philosophy in big bold letters. I had to check it out. If anyone has any info that could lead me to an awesome major, philosophy or anything else, please let me know. I need all the help I can get.

Lately I've been playing lots and lots of guitar. When I slept over Dean's dorm on Sunday, the thing I missed most was my guitar. I've been playing it so much that the skin on my fingers are beginning to peel. I still don't think I'm that good at it, but I've improved and I think I can use it to write some music. And right now, writing some music of my own seems fantastic. Writing music is such good therapy to me, and right now I could use some healing. I thought out a couple of original guitar parts that I still want to add more to, but I think they are a good start. I wish I had more music knowledge and more equipment and more skills, but I'll see where this takes me. When I say "takes me" I don't mean publicly or commercially, I mean whether it makes me happier or not. I probably will start a little project here soon. I was trying to think of a deep, dense and meaningful name for my project and I had Vince help me out the other day. He brought up some amazing words and with his help I think I have a good name. I don't want to unveil it right now, but maybe later if everything comes together right.

Recently I asked myself the question: "Do you like things over produced?" And I really don't know. I appreciate things that are well thought out and very polished, but I don't want it to be mechanical. I think there are a lot of things out there that I like over produced, but I'm not sure yet. I know I don't like one thing over produced, and thats a hair style. I like fancy and original hair, but I don't like the preppy wet gel look. I think I need to invest in hair spray and not gel. Does hair spray still hurt the o-zone?

Justin Satterberg

Just a quick blog because I was shaking from not having blogged for more the 24 hours haha, just kidding. I'm not a freak. I sometimes wish there was a blog machine attached to my head at all times, so I can just steam my thoughts onto a blog. There is so many things I think of that I promise I'm going to blog about but forget about.

Here is a quote I just read from someones facebook profile:
"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."- Marilyn Monroe
In the past I would normally just tell myself that it's bullshit and selfish, but now I think those are words of wisdom. Only when you experience pain does it make sense not to try and be perfect. When you try to help others, only you lose. But sometimes, it's still worth it to me, maybe someday, somehow, I can change the world a little.

Here is something I just read out of a Christian youth group book which is actually a very good spiritual read. "...thats not to say that you shouldn't trust your close friends, but you shouldn't become so wrapped up in any one person that your entire well-being depends on their friendship." So even the bible teaches you that being a dedicated friend will only lead to trouble. That is exactly my problem, all my energy goes into keeping relationships healthy, and when it fails, I fail. Is this the same theory I should live by when it comes to women? I always imagined my wife being someone I would invest my whole soul into, my whole life, my whole being. Being bound my marriage means love forever right? Now that I just wrote that out, I think no. Marriage is just a legal bond isn't it? I should really be asking, does being bound by love mean that you are bound together forever? I used to think so, but maybe I need to rediscover what love really means. Love like communication works so much better when it is two ways. I think I have been driving down one way lane.

Yesterday I got home early and I went down to the park and played some basketball with Dick and Jon. It was lots of fun and I really want to get into basketball again soon. Dick won the game of 21 then Jon and I played some one on one. I won the first game, Jon the second and then I won the tie breaker. I wanted to test myself because a few months ago Dean and I played at the Rec Center and I beat him off sheer will. I made up my mind I wasn't going to lose and I pushed myself. I tested my will against Jon and again I came out on top. My determination is something I take a lot of pride in. I think the best comes out of me when I am competing. Some people might think I'm crazy when they see me compete, but I just think they don't understand. Everyone should be driven, everyone should challenge their selves. I think people don't understand me because they aren't driven, people want things to be easy and given to them. I hate to bring this into play again, but again with the pills. People want a quick solution. Thats the world we live in. When I was younger, I thought maybe I was a little crazy for getting furious when playing sports, I no longer I think that. I think people who don't show that emotion are weak.

Fuck, I had something important I wanted to follow up with but I got caught up and forgot what I wanted to talk about. Oh well. I've had a lot of alone time lately and I've been playing the guitar non-stop. My finger tips are really raw and I cut them on something today so it hurts to play, but the guitar has been so kind to me lately. I actually came up with 3 or 4 guitar parts and I am excited to see what I can make of them. I got some musical ideas building up and I really want to express them. Oh, I haven't made a big deal of the Early November concert yet! But this coming Wednesday I am going to the last Minnesota Early November show. I can't believe they are calling it quits. Such an amazing band, I hope they come back together in the future. They aren't playing with anyone I know, but this could be their last show, I have to go. The timing couldn't be any better. Concerts are like a spiritual cleansing to me and I need to be refreshed after all the stuff that has been going on. I think after Wednesday, I will feel a lot better and I think I will be over all of this shit. BUT, I do think come Wednesday, I won't be the same person. I think my "light" has been darkened and my view on the world and people have been tainted. I don't expect me to be the same person. Much more defensive.

I just watched my first episode of Weeds and I'm probably going to go smash another one out right now.

Lafe Smith

I just read an article stating that U.S. sales for sleeping pills hit $3.7 billion last year. Amazing how people are so quick to take a pill. Do you what is actually in it? Do you know who produced it? Do you know what it is doing to your body? We have become a society that relies on the pill to much. We don't challenge ourselves to do things naturally anymore. Don't you think there are reasons why your body is struggling to sleep? Don't you think its some sort of messages? Are you just going to swallow these pills for the rest of your life? All this is actually quite embarrassing. One second, be right back, let me finish reading this article.

"His theory is that during sleep, the brain evaluates recently learned information and decides what to do with it." -Very interesting, something I think I can agree with.

"Sleep is not an optional enterprise. All mammals do it. So do birds, reptiles, and even fruit flies. Rats deprived of sleep apparently die faster than those deprived of food." -We understand that it is not optional, yet we don't fully understand it. Why don't we put some focus into this instead of what we should do about Iraq. Oh right, no one cares about what it means to be human.

Cool article.

Something that kind of relates and is on my mind, again, is Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. How does everyone have this disease? I read that it affects 3-5% of our population and that 3-5% must be located in the northwest suburbs of Minneapolis. I don't remember meeting any one in Minneapolis with ADD, only after I moved to Plymouth. I think the whole idea of ADD is fake, and excuse. It doesn't exist, its a medical excuse excusing people to act stupid. Another excuse to take dugs. Here is a list of symptoms I found: hyperactivity, forgetfulness, poor impulse control, and distractibility. Basically, people that aren't in touch with them selves as human beings. I agree we aren't created equally, but there is no reason you can't sit still, unless you have some physical defect where you ass cheeks are weird. Its sad that western medicine excuses these people. I also read that there is no cure for ADD, probably because you can't cure what isn't there. I was trying to find a stat comparing the U.S to other countries trying to see if ADD was a U.S dominated "disease" but couldn't. Either way, sounds like a bunch of B.S to me. But I shouldn't be to harsh, I'm a person who stays calm even in the most intense pressure situations, maybe I'm being unfair. Nah!

I have another mission/project on top of my RPG mission and blog mission. After I organize my laptop and hard drive, I am planning on making hard copies of all my music files. I enjoy the digital world and I don't think I could last long without it, but it scares me. Things can disappear to quickly and I would be devastated if I lost my music collection, one of my most cherished possessions. Might take me a couple of cds or dvds but it'll be well worth it.

There is this Chinese girl sitting next to me and just her breath is effecting me. What is it about these people? Not that its a horrible thing, there are so many worse things a human being could do, but how does this always happen?

Again, I've found so many things and so many things have found me during a hard time to keep me up. I talked about a couple of times already in the past blogs, but I have a note here telling me to write about it again. It lets me know that there is still some good in this world, even if it is only a little bit. Good is scattered in small pieces all around, sometimes it comes to you, sometimes you have to find it. Its cool to see how people can affect your life and not even know it, its cool to see how unexpected people come out to help you, its cool to see how amazing timing is, its cool to see how people can sense your pain when they haven't even seen you for an extended period of time. Simply amazing. A couple of people I should thank are:
Ving - He was the first to offer condolence, even though we haven't seen each other for probably over a month. He just senses these things. We just recently met, and I don't know much about him, but from what I can see, he seems like a great person.
Peter - Has pretty much been there each step. Manages to keep my chin up every time it starts to dip.
Lysie - Just weird timing. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years and she just happened to call me up during this phase of my life. Had an awesome chat with her while she was in town for her spring break.
Meg&Dia - haha, I don't even know them personally, but their writings sure touch me.
Anonymous blog commenter - haha, I'm glad you wrote one un-anonymous. Thank you again for all your kind words.

One last thing before I end this blog. We are studying world war 2 and the Civil Right movement right now in U.S history and I find both topics to be of interest. Something that really confuses me is how people say the Pearl Harbor attack was cheap because the U.S didn't know it was coming. I'm sure if the roles were flipped, the U.S would have done the exact same thing. What did they want Japan to do, call them, letting them know that they are going to bomb them? "Hey whats up man? We the Japanese military are planning to bomb Pearl Harbor on Dec 7th 1941, so you might want to watch out. We just saw that you guys have a lot of supplies sitting around that area and thought it would be to our advantage to blow that shit up. Thanks, I hope you guys are ready to fight" Why would anyone do that!? It always the loser that brings the winners honor into question. The same thing always happened to me when I used to play Halo2 online. I am going to use everything the game developers put in the game to my advantage. How can anything be cheap if you can do the same thing? Hacking is a different story, but even most glitches I can put up with since they are a part of the game. It always upsets me when people say the "noob combo" in Halo is cheap or when they say frag tagging in Gears of War is cheap. No its not, its in the game, use it. But I guess these are the same kids were taught that the Pearl Harbor attack was cheap. Its baffling to me. And what are all these war rules? How could there be rules to war? "All is fair in love and war," lets just stick to that. I understand people are trying to protect human morals, but I don't see how all of that can mix.

Alright, enough bitching.

Meg&Dia

Meg and Dia both wrote a couple of blogs that I had to gank and post so I could remember. I don't know if its what they intended, but I pulled out some good lessons out of them.



Meg Frampton"s tour blog:

This morning, as I ravenously bit into a bagel and cream cheese from the continental breakfast at our hotel, Shannon received a disconcerting call from Nick. "You guys better come outside," he blurted. I left my bagel barely touched, and paced hurriedly towards our van and trailer. Instantly I detected missing pieces of equipment from our carefully planned out "Tetris" packing in the trailer. Carlo's guitars and pedal board: gone. Jon's bass:gone. Nick's laptop: gone. Yup, we had been robbed. For some reason, my equipment, which was the most easily accessible and not to mention most expensive remained. What luck? Undeserved surely. Carlo realized the situation and immediately lit a cigarette and wandered off to a corner of a parking lot where he could mourn the loss. Jon bent down and tenderly kissed his remaining bass. Nick, as usual, proceeded to take care of business in a stern solemn manner, never once losing his composure. "We are going to need to call the police. We shouldn't touch anything until they get here. Does everyone have insurance?" he spoke as he began to trod back and forth in deep thought. I collapsed onto the cement Indian style. How could anyone do this to us?

We endured the six hour van ride in a grave silence. It could have been worse. Thankfully we're all alive. We muttered these and countless other epithets that usually comfort people in situations such as ours. I wrote in my journal necessary steps needed to be taken immediately:
1. Insure all equipment, 2. bring guitars and all valuables into hotel room every night, etc.I texted other bands about our situation.

We got to the venue. Anberlin, Bayside, and Jonezetta all rushed outside to meet us. I believe I received 27 hugs of concern and affection before I had even stepped out of the van. "I'm so sorry", they all said and then began to relate to us similar stories that they or other band buddies had experienced. In a melancholy tone I reassured them all was well and this too shall pass.

We loaded in with the help of the House of Blues crewmembers.
Afterward, we all congregated in the green room to partake of the excellent catering offered at all House of Blues: macaroni pasta and marinara, pasta and caesar salad, sugar cookies, and candied corn. I never drink caffeine but I felt like I might need a bit to get me through the night so I reached into the Meg and Dia cooler for a diet Coke.

Anthony from Bayside appeared in the doorway with a sly smile plastered on his face and a large envelope in his hand with Meg and Dia scrawled along the front in a hurried hand writing. "This is for you guys" he simply stated and set the envelope in Dia's lap. "What's this?" she asked as she opened the envelope to peer down into a very large sum of money. "No..." she began as her and I both stared in wonder at the timid faces of all the bands all coyly looking in our direction. "Take it," spoke out one of them, "you guys need it. We've all been there". I couldn't believe it. All day I had been questioning if there was any good left in humanity. But here, right in front of us appeared a perfect example of kindness. I won't complain again, I said to myself. I felt companionship with the other people on this tour. We had sealed a bond with their generous gift and our hesitant acceptance of it. If only I could learn to be so generous and supportive of those around me. So different and grand a contrast was this behavior than the stereotypical band.

Weren't bands supposed to trash green rooms and shout obscenities into the crowds adoring and worshipping them?

Bottom line, we are so lucky to be on this tour. I won't forget it or the people that made it. Misfortune has befallen us but within the darkness light was shed, the light of humanity that will remain I believe. That is timeless. Thank you Anberlin, Bayside, and Jonezetta. Your support has been very much appreciated!
March 27, 2007


Dia Diaryblog- New Orleans

March 26, 07

So, I make a lot of our merch designs, and since we are leaving on a new tour very shortly after Anberlin, I started sketching away. I'm terrible with computers, plus I like the feel of pencil to paper "art," so I do them all the slow way. Anyways, I got about four done, and went to scan them in myself at kinkos because Nick was being very impatient with my lazy self that day and told me to go in there, ask for help, and learn how to scan stuff to a disc myself. So I did.
I asked the guy for help, and he gladly obliged, speaking in between scans about his work and his life. It was really weird because he started talking about this lady that had come in the other day with photos of her husband's "last heartbeat." I guess, she got a print from the hospital computers of his last heartbeat and had actually brought it into kinko's. He said she started to cry in between every scan, and inbetween sobbs, asked if he would be so kind as to put it on a disc so she could save it on her computer and look at it and keep it with her forever.
I wish I had a love like that.
However, being around so many "unfaithfuls," as well as my own thoughts, makes the idea of it extremeley depressing.
Sometimes I wonder if she saved the heartbeat to her computer screen. Maybe she pulls it up every now and then, gets a bottle of Merlot, turns on the discovery channel, gives herself a homemade, pathetic manicure...and remembers him.

Dia.
P.s. Our trailor got broken into today. Two guitars were taken. A jazz 1997 Vintage bass, Wireless systems, laptops and guitar boats. It really sucked. However, we're still alive. And the world is still turning.


They both write so eloquently. The blogs timing couldn't be better. During a time where I have been some major soul searching and during a time where I've been doubting people, they write stories about how maybe there is still some good in this world. Its very uplifting. I really like Dia's choice of using the word "unfaithful."

Scott Muer

I haven't gotten around to blogging about my weekend yet.

Friday started out with a little brunch with my Mom. Rock class, then Korean class where we finished My Little Bride which is a pretty good movie. Then I caught the bus where Peter picked me up (Thanks). We went to Ridgedale to buy our Early November tickets at the ticket master booth. We went to every corner of the mall before we found it, no joke, every corner. But we managed to get our T.E.N tickets and we plan to send T.E.N off in style. Sure going to miss their music. After Peter dropped me off because I thought I was going to go out and eat, but ended up not going. Then we all figured we should utilize the wonderful weather so we played catch outside for a little while. Jon left to go play some hockey or something so Peter and I chilled for a little while then Andy came over and so did Mitch. We played a little Melee and just had a really relaxing time. The timing couldn't be perfect. Sometimes I feel guilty when I am going through a tough time because there are so many good things in my life and I don't want to miss them just because I am feeling down. It was fun chilling with such an unusual group of friends. I say unusual because I don't think I can remember when it was just us four at one time. It worked though, everyone was in a good mood and we just goofed around the whole night.
Saturday started with church like usual. We had a little football action planed for 3:30 but I got home late because we had to drop someone off after church and when I got home Jon wouldn't answer his phone. I ran out the door as soon as I got home with my shoes and clothes and found Jon and Andy on Jon's deck chatting. We quickly drove down to the park where Sat and Sonny were waiting for us. We stretched for a little and got the game rolling. Sonny, Andy, and Me vs. Sat, Jon and Nick. I think I dropped the first catchable thrown to me. Jon played quarterback for them so defending was pretty easy, but once in a while Jon would switch off and I would have to gaurd him. Jon is a very dominate player. Our team convincingly won the first game. After people needed to take a little break so we drove over to Jon's for a water break. Then we went back to Bass Lake for one more game, same teams. The game was much closer and we had to go into over time. In over time I made a huge interception that swayed the whole game. I am a little impressed of myself because I rarely make interceptions but I'm glad I chose that time to do it. Someone called me out on the interception, even though I didn't think I was cause I was watching my feet the whole time, so we got the ball close to the end zone. I made a tip toe catch in the corner of the endzone and I thought it was a complete pass but no one else spoke up so we decided to re-do the play. Andy caught the winning pass (little bastard). A very good day of football. The weather was PERFECT! A little wind, a little shade, cool weather, perfect. I've noticed that I make a heck of a lot of tackles and if I'm not the first person to hit the runner then I am involved in the tackle. I always thought defense was my weak point but I guess I should give myself a little more credit. I am the only one that is fast enough and strong enough to defend Jon and I am the only person on both teams that plays with %1000 heart. Maybe add a few more zeros. I am beginning to think I am maybe a better defensive player. After football we went back to Jon's and sat around and chatted for a while. We had our fantasy baseball draft at 8:30 so I went home to shower and do that. I am for once happy with my draft, but that strikes some fear in me. Usually I am unhappy with my fantasy teams and for the past year I have won all my leagues, but now that I am happy with my draft, I am scared that my fortunes will flip. The only mistakes I made were a couple of time mistakes where I was forced to draft before I made a solid choice, maybe my first pick and my last pick since Dean stole a player. Almost a perfect draft. After the draft we dipped over to Applebees and got some wings. The girl that served us went to junior high with me. Isn't it always awkward when you talk to people you know, but don't know well enough to just say hi. Oh well. After Bees we went back to Jon's where we played some Melee. Andy, Dick and I slept over and started our RPG project with Kingdom Hearts. We didn't get very far. We were all tired and sore from football and for some reason we suck at that game. Hopefully we can beat that game pretty quick so we can move onto Final Fantasy 7.
Sunday we woke up a little before noon and continued out RPG mission. Later Jon needed to take a test so we rolled out. I think I took a nap when I got home and then did some homework and organized my life a little.

(I saved this as a draft and now its Thursday so I don't remember much, so I figure just post it)

Dreams

Seems like I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Really vivid dreams that stick with me even after I wake up.

I saw some people playing hacky sack outside the other day and it was amazing. Those people are so coordinated and can hit the sack in any position with accuracy. It made me realize I am not as coordinated as I want to be. That there is a greater level I can work towards. I need to pay more attention to my body.

I've been getting a lot of anonymous comments on my Eblogger. The comments I have been getting have been very uplifting and so if one of the anonymous readers reads this, thank you. It makes me think that there are people out there that understand me. Eblogger users are way different than YouTube users haha. The comments are so different, more respectful, and more intelligent. But I should have expected that from stupid YouTube users. Its amazing that so many random people or unexpected people have been helping me feel better. Maybe there is good in this world, maybe I am to hard on people. Its nice to see people helping complete strangers. One comment was posted just a few minutes after I posted a blog.

I've been dreaming so much lately, and I didn't have a stupid alarm, I would actually finish one. I guess I have a lot on my mind. I had a dream last night where I would hang out with and just chat with a bunch of random people. A new group of people would come over everyday. Each day was fresh and new and everyone was very respectful. Some people were people I knew, some were just random people I've never seen in my life, there were a lot of bands that came over and chatted, and some were celebs. A wide range of people. I don't remember any of the stuff I talked about though. I remember having a chat with David Robinson which was a more serious chat. He seemed like such a wise man. I played video games with Senses Fail. I chats I had with random people I never met were cool to. Just introduced each other and talked about life. I remember hanging out with the Meg and Dia band and I remember that day being one of the funniest days. I remember all of us laughing non-stop and there wasn't a dull moment with those guys. Dreams are so wild. I think my soul or whatever is trying to send a message to my brain or something through dreams. I think deep down inside I know the answers, but I can't find them, but something deep down inside of me is trying to make it easier. Sometimes I wonder if dreams can actually tell you the future. Obviously dreams can reflect on the past, and I firmly believe it can tell you about things going on in the present, but sometimes I think they show you the future. I had "People" dream last night, and then today I read a blog by Dia of Meg&Dia and it really hit me. It made a lot of senses to me. Its weird that I would just have a dream about and then the very next day have Dia touch me through her words.

I've been reading a book about African American movements in the 50s. I can't believe these things happened in the 50's! Its crazy, that doesn't seem like a long time ago at all! I am really glad that that culture has advanced the way it did. Because without the African influence I had while I lived in Minneapolis, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Something I learned while reading this book is that people aren't as ignorant as I think they are. The whites in the book act like they don't know when something is wrong, but I think deep inside they really know. Probably just some defensive mechanism. I think this strategy is used by many people today; even though they know something is wrong, if they hide it and act like its okay, they feel better. Its to bad. I wish people wouldn't cower and face their wrong doings.

I watched 300 again last night, it was still just as good.


"There is no need to be loyal because while you stay in one spot, people will come an go. You might as well save yourself the effort and jump camps too, everyone leaves. You will never be respected"

Zombie Dream Chapter 4

It seems like we've been driving forever since I've never driven in this area before and Dawson and I aren't leading anymore. The roads are very empty. I see one of our cars swerving left and right and I think something is wrong but then I realize it is the car Cory is driving and I don't pay much attention to it. I just figure he is goofing off. We only make one pit stop the the whole drive, but we since we left so late it isn't a big deal. We all eat grouped together in an empty parking lot. The sun looks ready to set and we decide that we need to find a place to stay for the night. We drive a couple hours and we find an empty motel. Looks dirty and cheap but it works. The sun is gone and I don't want to drive while its dark. A couple of people start walking casually towards the office door and I catch them quickly. I tell them that no one is probably there but that we should at least enter with caution. They seem to reluctantly agree. I get the feeling I am getting on everyones nerve because I am so cautious, and I'm split on how I should approach people. I lead the group into the office door. The lights are on and everything is tidy. The door to the back office is shut and I want to secure the area before we relax. Everyone sets up near the door and I kick it in. Nothing. We grab the keys to the rooms and walk back to the cars. I tell everyone I want to check all the rooms in the small motel to make sure its safe. It shouldn't take to long. When I suggest it Cory gets upset and asks me why I am so paranoid. Some of the parents agree with him. I sink. I tell them that I would check the rooms alone and that everyone else should just sit tight in their cars. I open the back of my suburban and I strap myself with a few extra weapons. My Dad says he would come with me and I agree to it. Now everyone else gets brave and offers to come with. Jon, Mitch, Dawson, Dean, and Jim grab a few extra weapons. I stop them. I tell all the parents to look out after the kids and women and that Jon, Mitch, Dawson, Dean and I will secure the motel. We all load up and I make sure everyone is ready. We decide to secure the second floor and work our way down so we walk up the stairs and make our way to the last room. I tell everyone where I want them to be when the door opens and I open it. Our team criss crosses into the room. We check the bathroom and make our way to the next room. We check each room and we find nothing we should be afraid of. Each room is neatly made and all look the same. We get back to the cars and assign rooms to each family and everyone goes to set up. I'm laying on the bed by the window and I see some head lights and a car pull into the parking lot. I spring up, push the curtains aside and leer out the window. A couple of SUVs have pulled in and I see some people walk out. They look pretty normal so I slowly open our door and I walk out and I yell hi out to them cautiously. They reply so I stick my pistol out to the side to show that I am armed but that I mean no harm and walk slowly towards the guy standing out of the car. Now everyone from our crew begins to crawl out of their rooms. I shake hands with the guy and exchange names. I ask him what he is up to and he says that he is heading north but need a place to stay for the night. I tell him that there are plenty of safe rooms here. He thanks me then turns around to talk to his family still in the black Tahoe. I say hi to the rest of the family and I offer to help him unload the back. We exchange stories while unloading his truck. His family and his neighbors are also planning on going to an isolated area in Canada. From talking to him, he sounds like a very kind and smart guy. Someone I would like to have around. A couple of families from our crew come out and exchange names with the new family and their neighbors and helps them bring stuff in. The new man, who is named Jim, introduces me to the rest of his family. His wife Jill, his oldest daughter Amanda who appears to be around our age, his middle child Brandon and his youngest daughter Sarah. A very beautiful family. He then introduces me to his neighbors. Everyone from the new group seem so civilized. They all are so smart and clean. I wonder since we are all going to the same place, if our groups could merge. I don't bring it up though. It's just fun being around a new group of people. One the neighbors kids broke a leg or something running and is in a lot of pain so we do everything we can to make him feel better. It is a pretty fun evening and everyone is chatting and introducing them selves. Cory again busts out a large container full of liquor. Its pretty frustrating but I feel like my group is sick of me bossing them around so I don't say anything. I look over at the new group of people and they all decline. Now I'm just embarrassed that I am associated with these careless drunks. I ask Jim, "Not a big drinker?" and he says he used to be but thinks it would be smarter to have his head on strait with all the new dangers. I completely agree. I spend most of the night chatting with Jim's family and his friends. Very bright and energetic people. Being around these people is very therapeutic to me. I can relax a little knowing that there are people who worry about defending them selves. The party ends a little earlier tonight and everyone goes to bed. I can't fall asleep and I just roll around in my bed for a few hours. I don't understand how I'm not drained, I didn't get any sleep the night before. I get fed up and I leave the room. I'm quiet and I make sure I don't wake anyone up from my family. The air is humid and smells and there aren't any bugs so I don't complain. I walk into the office and pull out a small chair and begin walking toward the stairs to the second floor. Jon opens his door and catches me with his eyes squinted and asks me what I'm doing. I tell him to shut up because he is speaking louder then he needs to and that I couldn't fall and that I needed some fresh air. He makes a joke about the air not smelling so good and then goes back into his room. I get to the second floor and I sit in my chair. Check my pistol and then my rifle. Everything looks good. I set up rifle against the wall and I zip up my hoodie. I think I spend over a hour just staring at the stars. The sky is clear and the stars seem to be dancing. I hear a soft clank on the stairs and I jump and grab my rifle. The stairs continue to make noises and I can hear the noise elevating. I swear under my breath and I think that coming out here alone in the middle of the night is the worst idea I ever made. I see a figure and it continues to walk up the stairs. A light hits the figure and I see that it has long brown hair. I relax. When the person turns the corner I see that it is Amanda, Jim's daughter. I set my rifle back against the wall and I flash her a small smile. She leans against the railing and asks me what I'm doing out here. I tell her I couldn't fall asleep and she tells me that she couldn't fall asleep either. She says that she hasn't been able to sleep well for the past few days. I tell her that I think her Dad is really cool. She laughs and says thanks. We small talk for a while and I point out a bunch of cool stars I've been looking at. I see that she is only wearing a short sleeve t-shirt and I offer her my hoodie. She declines but I can see she really needs it and I lay it over her shoulders. She says thanks and zips it up. We talk about a bunch of things. School, life, what we are scared of, what we think life is going to be like, family, on and on. I tell her the story about Tony back in the warehouse. I tell her I've never killed anything before and I that I'm actually pretty scared to use a gun. She calls me a wuss and giggles. I ask her how she knew I was out here and she says she heard me walking up the stairs and that she waited for me to walk back down but got worried when I didn't. I tell her that she shouldn't be walking outside alone in the middle of the night. She makes fun of me for being a hypocrite. I tell her that we should probably go back down and get some sleep. I walk her to her room, she says thanks and closes the door behind her. I think about going back up to the second floor, but I opt to try and get some sleep. I crawl back into my bed and I feel like thin air. I can't fall asleep and it feels like there are bubbles in my belly. I catch myself staring at the ceiling smiling and I wipe it off my face. Slowly I fall asleep.

Fight Club

I heard a quote today that struck a note in me. "Women are made, not born." I believe it and I blame the male gender. Its our fault that they have to live fake and toiled lives. Humans have made so many mistakes in the past, yet we don't learn from them and we will continue to make mistakes and dig ourselves holes. It is a damn shame. I've always thought women were the stronger sex and today that belief was strengthened.

The weather is amazing today! Sunny and 70. I wouldn't say its perfect because it is to hot for me right now. I like jeans and t-shirt weather. But the U is so lively this time of the year, people are outside spread out in the mall, it makes me happy. Yesterday I saw it was going to be a beautiful day and I wore a bright shirt to symbolize spring. Its nice to see people having fun and hanging out. Life is tough, but it is good and to see all this living during such a personally sensitive time, it makes me feel lighter. I need to dress more appropriate tomorrow.

But I didn't title this blog Fight Club because of the weather or womens rights. I had a dream last night that I wanted to blog about. I must be a really angry/disoriented/pissed off/confused person right now, because I had a very disturbing and violent dream last night that I am actually not proud of. Usually I like dreaming of bloody, gory things because I am a fan of shitty horror and sci-fi. Last nights dream was different to me, it wasn't comedic, it wasn't "oh man that zombie make up is so bad" or "why would anyone do that?" funny. It was to real. I think this is a good spot to write it out.
I don't remember many minor details because I woke up in the middle of it cause my alarm went off and I tried to recite it to myself while I was snoozing. The part I can remember the dream starting from is my basement. It was really dark in my basement for some reason and everyone was asleep. Dawson was over and we were looking for shitty horror movies on the internet and we found this crazy "real life" video of a Fight Club type thing. They had a bunch of set-ups like royal rumble, one on one, team battles, but it was much more scary because the idea behind this "fight club" was to kill your opponent(s). It was like Fight Club meets Mortal Kombat meets Cradle of Fear. I just thought it was a visually enhanced video and I personally thought it was shitty but Dawson thought it was awesome. At the end of the video they gave us an address and it said that anyone can join in on the fun. Dawson suggested we go to one of the events, and I told him it was fake. The next day Dawson introduced the idea to everyone and they all thought it was a good idea to go down there and partake that night. I thought it was a dumb idea. Well that night we weren't doing much and we all hopped into a couple of cars and drove downtown and found the small alley it was taking place in. I couldn't believe it was actually real and now I was freaked out. We walk downstairs into some Station4 look alike, just this shitty unfinished basement and there are dried blood stains all over there place. Dawson signs us up for the royal rumble battle and I freak out cause I didn't really think we were going to be a part of this. Everyone is pumped, I can see Jon and Mitch slapping hands and exchanging plans. Everyone is talking about how they are going to kill their first victim. The room starts to fill. Big body builder types, smaller people, a mixture of male and female. I see Mitch and Jon talking about how they are going to try and avoid this HUGE guy at all costs. I still can't believe this is happening and I tell myself it is fake. I rest against a wall in the back where a lot of people aren't around and I just plan to sit back and watch the "play." The ref walks in with a cart of cheap wooden boards and some metal objects, dumps it, blows a whistle and walks away. Everyone starts running towards the objects, grabs whatever they can and begins to pound each other. I get up from leaning against the wall and I think this all looks to real. My group of friend kind of stands there and doesn't know what to do but eventually they grab what is left over and join the fight. I sit there and watch and no one has attacked me yet because my corner is kind of off on its own. I can only see a few of my friends now. I see Dawson fighting this really skinny guy in the middle, I see Mitch for a second before he disappears into another corner and then I catch Jon in another corner in a cluster fuck. He is doing well though. I then catch some people walking into the room through a side door. A group of girls and they brought their own weapons. This is right behind Jon and he is no idea that this group has just walked in. A girl with a knife is walking toward Jon while raising the knife, and I see what is going to happen. I yell, "Jon look out!" and run toward them. Lucky for Jon and I there was a direct path and only had to move around a couple of fights. I get there right before the girl starts her swing and I use my momentum and I drop kick her right in the stomach. The force sends the girl flying into the wall right behind her and she falls to the ground with her back against the wall. Without hesitation I follow up and take advantage of her stunned state. Before she could even gather herself and look I gave her a fierce kick to the face with the top of my foot. The kick sends her head slamming into the wall behind her. Now she is to stunned to defend herself. I use the wall to help me inflict more damage as I smash in her face with my heel. I can feel her skull caving but I don't stop. I don't look at her face but I wouldn't be able to see her face anyways because of her hair clumped together with blood in her face. I feel a tug on my shoulder and I think its someone about to attack me so I grab the persons collar but it was just a ref pulling be away. I guess there is some sort of rule of decimating a body. I can't catch my breath and everything seems to be moving so fast. I want to get out of there, but at the same time something makes me stay. I look at Jon and he is already engaged in another battle, now with a group of girls. I look toward the middle of the room again and I see Dawson still there, now fighting the huge guy they were trying to avoid. Dawson is being tossed around, the brute seems to be playing with his meal. I grab an oddly shaped board and I run over there and I try to smash it over his head but he is to tall and I only breaks over his back. He turns slowly and focuses his eyes on me and I get ready to dodge what ever he is about to throw at me. Dawson is on the ground but he rolls over quickly and stabs something into the guys foot. The guy growls and kicks Dawson in the stomach. I take advantage of this and blow out his elbow with the weapon in it. I take the weapon which is a huge board with a nail in the end of it. While the guy is grabbing his arm I swing the nail as hard as I can into the side of his head. The guy drops to his knees. I use his chest to help me pull the board and nail out head and then I it swing over and over into his face. He collapses. I continue to pound the the nail into his back and now his back is starting to look like a bee hive. After the ref pulls me away again, I run over to Dawson and help him up. I put the board with nail in his hand I run off. Now I'm so caught up I kill every person in sight. I manage to kill someone with a machete and after I claim it all hell breaks loose. My kill count quickly rises and I can see spectators behind this fence that I hadn't seen before laughing as they watch me. Seeing them laughing and enjoying such a crazy event makes me want to kill them. They are all in business suits. One of the guy is holding the fence and I see his fingers gripping it so I use the machete to chop off a few of his fingers. They panic. I turn around and there are these two guys fist fighting each other right next to me. I swing the machete into the back of one guys head and he falls over. The other guy attempts to run away but I swing the machete into his leg and he falls quick. I use the machete to cut him into thin slices. I kill a few more people quick and now at this time everyone is so scared of me every time I approach them they run away. A little group of guys thought it would be a good idea to team up on me but it fails. I see Jon being choked in the corner so I hack the choker in the back. I am drenched in blood and it just seems like I am running around and slicing everything that moves.

Then my alarm went off. Thank god.
I don't think anyone should be dreaming these kind of nightmares. I read that dream book over break and it has some things about dreams. But I think dreams are just a message to yourself. I think this dream is telling me that I am in an unhappy state right now. I am on the edge. I pray that I am not that evil, I don't think I could kill a person unless I really had to. I'm a little bit scared after this dream.

Oh - Em - Gee! (Q.U.P)

Golly,

I just FRIGGIN miss live music right about now. Good thing I got Tix to the Take Action tour which is like Apr 9th I think? Early November here I come again! Matchbook Romance! Best catch up on my Matchbook. Amber Pacific and Chiodos too! YAHOO!!! Everyone should go, cause its going to be awesome!!

(Sunday, March 19, 2006)

Warped Tour 06' (Q.U.P)

Hasn't hit me that its tomorrow. It will be amazing

More after the show...

(Saturday, June 17, 2006)

Friends forever? (Q.U.P)

.

(Monday, June 26, 2006)

My Great Debate (Ignorance) (Q.U.P)

Lately I've been thinking, if I had to choose between being ignorant or being knowledgeable on the things that are going around me, what would I really choose?

It seems like such a easy Q&A, but is it really? Knowledgeable seems like the clear choice, but with the power of knowing everything that is going around you, comes the price and pain of knowing the bad. Sometimes doesn't it seen like ignorance is much easier? I have alot of ignorant friends. Sometimes it seems like I am the only one who actually knows what is going on. (Sidetracking: When I think about what I just said, sure, maybe it seems like I am the only one knows what is going on, but what if I am the ignorant one. I always try to see both sides, the pros and cons of all debates or whatever it maybe. Human self discipline and the mind is so hard to control.) It sometimes seems like I am the only one who sees the whole picture...but if I am the only one who sees all the angles, the top and bottom and not only what is in front of them, who do I talk to see if I am right. Who do I talk to to prove I am not the one who is ignorant. Its pretty fucked up. Now back to the question, if I was more ignorant to start off with, I wouldn't have this problem. I would just fit in, I could just be stupid as the next person and live my life as a "thing" and move on from one emotion to the next. I envy some people. If I was given the same task as someone else, I would stress out about it and maybe just do a little better then someone. the other person wouldn't stress out about it and take the lesser "grade" with a smile. How does that work? Am I being ignorant of their true feelings?

Aren't there so many deep things out there that you wonder about? Sometimes I feel uncomfortable about these types of topics, cause again, no one understands me. They are like "What the fuck are you talking about?" Its frustrating cause I am not the best speaker, or writer. If I can paint my feelings and thoughts, how does someone else really know? Or is it that I am painting something so abstract that it is impossible for the next man to understand what is being seen?

For you RPG VG'ers, has anyone played Metal Gear Solid 2:Sons of Liberty. Pretty crazy huh? But I've actually thought about that before I played the game recently. There are so many unknown things out there, and we lead to believe what we believe everyday. Let me ask you, what the fuck is oxygen really? Are you sure you are breathing it? And if yes, how do you REALLY know? Who told you we are breathing oxygen? Your science teacher? What has you science teacher ever done for you that you can trust him? We believe what people tell us to believe only because we want to believe in something and we are scared of being empty and ignorant. But arnt you really ignorant if you believe in something false? Or do we really all want to be ignorant cause its easier? Thats the problem, I dont want to be ignorant, but then I do. No questions, no doubts, no fears, no pain.

Really, how fucked up would it be if someone higher (not like a god) was controlling what we learned, felt, loved?

I think I know why people drink/smoke and abuse them selves. To make their lives shorter, because living isn't easy, and quite scary. Its much more simple. We are living to die.

Thanks for writing. Just know, I am always here. If you need someone, I will be here even past you.

"The good things in life outweigh the bad things in life, that is what keeps me going" -David Robinson

(Monday, July 24, 2006)