The Realest Human Being On Eurf

I just woke up from a four hour nap in which I woke up in the middle of because I was sweating so damn much. Why I was perspiring so profusely without any real physical activity I do not know but I can think of some other reasons why a human being my sweat. I've been kind of freaking out lately just about myself, I guess would be the easiest way to put it. I feel like a lot of things are bothering me. Things that are out of my control, questions that have no answers to them, things that are confusing all have attributed to me going crazy. I guess I'm not clinically crazy yet, but I'll be there soon haha. Clinically insane and depressed, what a sweet combination.

The other night/early morning I tried to talk things out with my friends thinking it would make things better but I think it made things worse. Thursday morning around 2 a.m I went to Perkins with Jon, Mitch and Andy thinking it was going to be a normal trip for food and teenage conversation but it turned out to be more and I guess I was at the same time kind of expecting it. It started off like any other late night (We call it late night, but technically it is early morning) Perkins run with my debating if I wanted anything to eat so late and everyone trying to talk me into getting something. After we ordered with the usually chill servers that work at that hour we got the talking about the usual crap. Probably some ignorant ass shit about the government, some Donnie Darko philosophy, maybe a little sports (And only a little since all my friends, minus Dean, are sports world retarded), probably a lot of conversation on girls and then it all boiled down to life. The single most confusing element to life is life itself, at least to me. I've been struggling with life lately and I don't want that statement to scare anyone and/or make anyone think I am suicidal, because I'm not. Suicide is for the weak and it seems to easy to me (That statement shouldn't scare anyone either, haha). I feel bad for making that last comment because maybe it really isn't for the weak. Maybe someday I will become like those people because I will come to understand those people more. Who am I to call those people weak? This is also one of my problems, I'm always doubting and questioning myself. I am scared to make comments because I always think I am wrong. Do I have confidence and self image problems? No, I don't think so. I do think I am right most of the time and more often then other people and I do think I make "logical" decisions (Logical meaning to the standards of the cultures I live in). And I am only keeping it real when I say I am fucking ugly haha. So really, what is my problem? I don't know, and that is what is eating at me because if I did know, I'd be able to fix it. This blog isn't structured to well haha. Back to Perkins. We had one of the realest chats I have ever had and I did tell some truths and I got some things off my chest and I was able to explain how I was feeling. I would have liked to tell the whole truth, but when you know others aren't telling you the truth, its hard to come out (I am not gay). It is a very powerful tool to be able to feel when people are telling the truth and aren't and my friends aren't good liars. Out of the 4 of us, one of us was honest that night. I think it is safe to share (Of course its safe to share, no one reads these fucking things, and even if they did, who cares) that Jon was the only honest one because he has nothing to hide. Again, I would have liked to been completely honest but it is impossible to be honest around liars. How come Jon is so honest? Because he keeps life simple, he is content knowing that he really doesn't have any real skills and that he really only cares about himself. Maybe he doesn't know this, but it doesn't bother him that he doesn't know this and he just lives it. This type of innocence and ignorance is something I really envy. How come Mitch and Andy didn't tell the truth on everything? Because one of them has people to impress and one of them is maybe even more confused then I am. The confused one is able to cope with this confusion where I currently am not able to. How does he deal with it? I think maybe he doesn't actually know he is confused, or he is so far into his beliefs that he accepts things, or maybe he is comfortable living a lie. I don't think I can live a lie. Honesty is a moral I do believe in. There were so many things I wanted to blog about on Friday morning while I had the memories fresh but I woke up late (went to bed after 6 am) and then I had to help my Mom with yardwork right away and when I got in, Dick was on the computer watching his anime porn. So blog Sat right? No busy. Sunday? Not so busy, but Dick spent the WHOLE day, no lie, watching anime porn and then I let Leah on MySpace so she could stalk some more emo guys. So now it is Monday at 2:38 am, during this sentence, and I am trying to blog about what I remember. Two people cried that night, one of the participants being myself. That shit isn't the most manly thing I could say, but I don't think I'm very manly so who cares. Now we didn't cry like we owned the damn place, don't get the wrong image, but we did let out some tears and there was some snot involved and some sniffling. But most importantly, this is what I learned from the crying: that only two of the four people that went to Perkins cares if our little group of friends last through next weekend. The other two could care less if we never saw each other again because they view friendship kind of like a business. You offer me a product and I will offer you a product and as long as your product is better then mine, I will continue to subscribe. That is not how I viewed friendship because I truly am a people person and I used to believe that love was possible between two strangers if they were pure at heart. I was taught that love is only possible and is exclusive through blood and marriage and I thought that was total bull-shit, but I have no support against it. Slowly, that theory is settling on me. Sometimes I think blood isn't even enough to to fuel love and I would like to test the theory about love being possible through a man and a woman or any other combinations. So why is it that in my life and with the people around me, I am the only on able to give love? When Andy turned away from Mitch and to me to see tears across my face, his reaction was not one I expected. He jumped and said, "Oh shit!" I think this is because he has never felt or seen this type of loyalty ever before in his life. Actually I don' think, I know. I learned a lot about Andy that night through his actions and his words. I feel pretty bad for him because he is confortable living a lies. I feel bad for him because I couldn't live like that but, but I do envy him because he just doesn't care if he lives lies. One thing I didn't fully learn about him is, is he fully conscience of these lies and is afriad to face them in front of us? Or, is he so far gone that he just immune to these lies? I do believe that social anxiety has taken a slight toll on him. I've seen what peer pressure and social standards have done to him in the past and I thought he changed, but I see he really hasn't changed much. He told us that loyalty isn't a big moral in his life and I got the impression that he feels like it is a waste of time. I don't think he was lying when he said this, but I was a little confused. I remember a time when we tricked him. This was before our North Dakota road trip days and it was the day Dean's Dad came to pick him up to take him back home. I think we managed to get an extension out of Dean's Dad during our goodbyes or something like that. Andy wasn't there for the goodbyes and he got there to late, but he didn't know Dean got an extension. We told him that he missed Dean leave and it didn't seem to bother him and we sat there in Jon's driveway with a "now what..." attitude. Well, it was time for Dean to pop out and surprise and it worked. Andy chased Dean around the house with a "I'm angry because you guys tricked me, but happy about the results" attitude and when Dean finally stopped Andy threw a hug on him with tears in his eyes sceaming, "I love you Dean." Love, really? Jon joined the group hug first while saying something macho to cover up the emotions that were stirring that the time. I joined shortly with tears because I was so proud of these kids and so proud of what I had built. A group of friends that seemed to care enough for each other to consider one another family. So, what happened to that Andy and what happened to our group? Were we were young and stupid back then? Rather, were they young and stupid back then and I was just able to control them? Because I knew what I wanted and I knew what I felt. I've always been an honest and loyal person and thats what I wanted out of my friends. So is my problem now that they can think for themselves and I am no longer a part of their plan? Maybe that could be a part of my problem, but I know its not all of it. But back to a question I purposed earlier, what happened to that Andy? I think I found the answer earlier today. He may still hold a grudge against me for what happened between us. I don't think he blames Jon, but he certainly does blame me. I thought we were both past that, but its more and more obvious to me now. How could I be so stupid? And now that I let him back into our circle fully, is there any way to remove him without being the bad guy and without seeming like I am a complete hypocrite? Nope, I have given him to much leverage. Thats also kind of my problem is that I trust people way to quickly and I do give people to much leverage. People will only interact with you only of you have something they want. This "Want" doesn't always have to be material. Simple entertainment will draw people to you. If you're popular, people will want to use you for your connections. Here is an obvious one that even the simplest minds can't disagree with, if you are sexy/hot/attractive, people will want to fuck you. Well, I have this problem of sharing all my assets when I feel like I can trust someone. And when they learn how to steal those assests and have enough leverage, they don't need you anymore. It is sad, but thats how friendship works. During our talk Andy got mad at me on a number of topics. He called me a hypocrite and a non-socialist, and a conservative. It didn't deeply bother me, it was just kind of annoying. I got into an arguement with my Mom the other day and I had the same experience. I just let my Mom do all the talking, it didn't bother me, or a better way to put it, offend me, but it annoyed me. I guess I could counter them but they most likely wouldn't understand me. Maybe I am a the bad guy? Who else gets into all these arguments with parents and "friends?" Or is it because I'm not afraid to keep it real that I get into these arguments? If everyone kept it real, there would be a lot more debates. Or again, I'm I just a bad person? All I learned from Andy bashing me is, that he thinks all conservatives are bad people, which I don't agree with. He knows I'm liberal, he knows I'm a people person and I think he was simply trying to offend me but destroying those chracteriistics. So does he still hold a grudge against me? I don't know, but I think it supports it a little and only a very little because we were having an intense talk. He claimed if you are a liberal by definition, which I usually say I am because I don't like politics, you are a true conservative which I didn't and still don't get. A deinition I like from Dictionary.com is, "favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible." He said that if you are a liberal by definition you are a true conservative because they switched roles in history. After he said that, I just stopped talking, half because I was confused and I don't know how to follow up on something like that, and half because if someone is saying something that stupid, he is very emotional or very dumb. He also got mad at me when I said I didn't believe in evolution fully. I guess you can't be agnostic and not believe in evolution. You have to be a member of at least one. I feel like if I'm agnostic and I can't believe the church, what proof does scientists give me to trust evolution? Because it can be proven and because we can see it? There is no way some things can be coincidence right? I don't belive in the "Madden Curse" like some people do, I just believe some things can just happen. So the sun came out of no where or because of the big bang or whatever and caused little germs to morph into apes and apes into crazy human beings? To me, that sounds just as crazy as the bible. Of course he didn't say anything about the sun but rather told me to answer questions like, "Why are there fossils scattered across the earth?" and then continued to patronize with comments like, "Because people want to scam you right?" Pretty much asking me questions like a hardcore archeologist. I can accept that he believes in evolution, but he can't accept that I don't. Bascially he tried to push evolution on my like a hardcore christian would push christianity and I hate that. The funny thing is, Andy is known to hate christians for that reason as well. Is that the definition of a hypocrite? Or is it, if you're a hypocrite by definition, then you are truly honest? Anywho, this isn't an Andy bashing blog although I had to get some things of my chest about some things he is saying and doing I don't agree with. Know this, he believes in his words and his actions and I respect him for that, but it does not mean I need to believe in those things too. At least I think he believes in his words and actions. Sometimes I think he is even more confused then I. Anywho, the conversation ended shorter then I would have liked because the sun was coming up and Jon was worried that he wouldn't make it on his boat the next morning. I am not going to lie, this bothered me. We were having one of the realest conversations ever, and all Jon could think about was going on his family boat. This is how I know people just don't care about me. People would rather choose a boat over me without hesitation. Jon, who is suppose to be one of my best friends, chose his boat over me. But Jon known to be pretty materialistic and how can you blame him, he grew up in the suburbs and his family has enough money to afford it. Every winter break the day I dread comes along. The day after christmas where I have to listen to the catalogue of gifts Jon got. It is cool that he wants to let me know and it is cool that he got so many gifts, but damn, I don't care that you got a bucket of monkeys and an eye patch. Why not just tell me, "I got DDR pads," or something that actually has to do with me. When Jon goes to Florida, he lets everyone know it. When Jon gets a sword, he lets everyone know it. When Jon gets a boat, he lets everyone know it. And if I based my life on materialistic things, then fuck yea, I'd be pumped and jealous. I just get kind of depressed when people choose materials over me because I once heard you can't put a price on human life. Why is it that people choose boats over me? Why is it that people choose liquor and drugs over me? Its probably because I can't offer them things anymore. You can only offer love for so long before people get sick of it. Its not worth anything to these suburban people. Money will buy them happiness. Anywho, I kind of just lost my thought and I think this is enough bitching for the moment, and by moment I mean sentence. After Perkins we went on my hill to watch the sun rise. Let me tell you, if you haven't fully experienced a sun rise, please, do it. I mean fully get in to it, go out 30 minutes prior to its rise while the sky is still navy and dedicate yourself to the rise. Don't think about anything else. It'll blow you away. The horizon allows you to see how fast the sun is really moving. I think the whole sun climbed over the edge in like five minutes. It was an amazing sight, one I plan to do again soon, but I don't when since I hate summer humidity and bugs.

There were some other things I wanted to and planned to blog about but I will wait for another blog. Probably tomorrow haha. A more up beat and positive energy blog I hope. God, this blog helps me feel better and I think I will sleep well. Maybe not well, but better then I have this past week. I can't wait to blog again. I need to find some motivation somewhere and somehow, but when you're feeling down, its hard to do that. I read earlier that blogging is for emos. Well if you're a sterotype emo, this must make you feel a lot better.

He is Heating up

Going to keep this one short because I don't need to be writting blogs for hours again after I just wrote one about 7 hours ago and I need to start editing videos and do some yard work and cleaning. Last night I had a dream and I remembered it only because its like the 4th time I had that dream. Remembering dreams are crazy. The smallest stimuli can help you remember the dream but without that small push its hard to remember. I read about this sensory deprivation tank in my latest issue of AP and it sounds amazing. Francis Mark, the frontman of the band From Autumn to Ashes, shares his experiences with the deprivation tank and it just sounds like something I want to try. Basically you float in salt water and the water is the same temperature as your skin and there is no light and there is no sound and the air is clean and basically you lay there and feel nothing. What would you think about when there are no influences on you? When even the most constant pressures of gravity are eliminated. I talked about what an uninfluenced person might be like with a couple of friends a while back and we couldn't even imagine what that might be like. What if after being born you were released to learn everything by yourself. No one could influence you, no one could tell you to be liberal or conservative, no one could tell you if there was a god or not, no one could tell you what was wrong or right. Wouldn't this be the only way to figure out what is truly human instincts? There would be no bias in this persons answers. Of course this would never happen, but just imagine it. Anywho, back to my dream. I keep having this dream where I run after a city bus. I often get really close to it and I yell for the driver to stop for just 10 extra seconds so that I could catch up to it and some how I know he hears me but he leaves. I continue chasing it and sometimes I get on the bus, and sometimes I don't. When I get on I never talk to the driver and I never even look. Why? Wouldn't I be pissed he/she made me chase the bus for miles? I get on and I look around and I often see people that I knew in my past but you know when you see people you kind of knew and you know both of you guys remember each other but you kind of ignore each other...its kind of like that. I see people look at me but when I look at them they always look away.

My X-Box 360 broke and my laptop is still broken. I still need to mail both of them in to get fixed. Lately I've been trying a new diet. I call it the metabolism diet. Basically I eat small meals like 5 times a day and I try to get some excercise between meals and hopefully my metabolism burns away all the energy. I haven't lost any weight in the two weeks but I do feel a little bit better and thats what matters to me. Anywho, I promised I would keep this blog short so I am. Breakfast, Gay'mon2, yard work, clean.

Dear Diary, Sorry

I haven't blogged for about a month and that sucks because that means I missed my opportunity to blog my feelings on things and missed chances to blog memories I want to remember but most likely won't since my brian is the equivalent of puny 20 gigabyte harddrive. Not a lot of space when your world revolves around MP3 files and AVI files, I mean my iPod photo is even 30 gigabytes. Anywho, enough bashing on the capacity of my memory. Now time for some random thoughts and hopefully I can catch my blog up on what has been going on in my life.

I've just been living the life ever since summer break started. Go to bed at 2, wake up around 9, go through the morning routine of eating breakfast, getting some exercise in, doing some chores, then hanging out with friends when they are around, check on some things and finish some chores before bed, then doing it all over again. I've got a list of things I need to do and I've only been able to mark off a couple of items. I really need to get my laptop fixed because my life basically is on hold until I can get a functional computer. It is kind of sad how much ones life can be attached to a computer. More frightening then sad. I wonder how mentally ill I would be if computers were wiped off the earth. No more video games, no more movies, no more music, no more communication, no more news. Anywho, my pattern has been all out of wack lately but once I get it back on track I plan to pound out my list of chores. After I'm done with my list of chores, which is made up a lot of cleaning and organizing, I plan on getting some library books and I plan on writing some music. I also need to find a job because I can't run from a jobless life for to long. I question life sometimes and I question where man is historically more because I don't get point of life anymore. Life seems to be so simple, wake up, go to work for most of the day wheter you like it or not, go home for a few hours to eat and say hi to your family then go to work after a couple hours of sleep. During what part of the day are we allowed to be human beings? When are we able to sit around and absorb our surroundings and think about life. Sometimes I don't think I was meant to live during this period of mans history. I hear stories about what heaven might be like if there is a heaven. I don't know if I heard correctly or if my 20 gigabyte brain is failing me but it sounded like heaven is a place without toil. A place where we aren't forced to do what we don't want to do just to get by. Now that sounds like...well, heaven. If I were to go to heaven, I would just sit around all day under a tree with my iPod and watch people float around or whatever. I would just sit there and let my senses just do their things. This is if Christianity is the real deal and not just a big hoax and on top of that I don't think my agnostic views will earn me a seat under that tree. Oh well, maybe I deserve to burn in hell for a little while. And why do we have to burn in hell, why can't we just chill there? Is Satan such a bad guy that he only pulls us to hell to torture us? He must want us there for something. If the afterlife is just as confusing as the life I live right now, I quit. Please remove any cognitive ability I have because I don't want to be able to think for myself. I have ignorant friends, and sometimes I see the problems they face and it all just seems so elementary. I say that, but then here I go again and I think myself crazy telling myself maybe I am the stupid one. They all have their life figured out, maybe I suck at life. I think I havee a problem of doubting myself and looking at things from to many angles, sometimes I am to open minded. Lately I've been telling myself I've been going crazy and it really feels like it. What normal person thinks the way I do? Who cares that modern civilization is fast paced and mechanical? There seems to be a couple billion people who don't mind it. They may not like the condition of life, but they are able to accept it. Why can't I accept it? Is it because I am crazy? Again, I sometimes just don't get the point of life sometimes. I also think that I am very lonely. No one really understands me. I feel stupid when I write things like that because isn't that what teenage girls write in their pink Bratz journals? Sometimes I feel like I get less and less mature as I age. When I was in highschool, I talked about things adults talked about, and now that I am in college, I write about emotions teenage girls feel. Am I philisophical or retarted or just a little bitch? Or again, crazy? One of my biggest fears is being alone and right now I am very alone. It seems like I can't find happiness is a hard thing to find. Harder then happiness, loyalty. I could explain my viewpoint again on loaylty, but that would be a waste of time, my views on loyalty will forever be different when compared to everyone elses. And that makes my definition of loyalty wrong right? Because my definition doesn't seem to match the majorities? I never understood this majority rules concept. So if the majority is wrong but a majority favor something, that makes it right? Confusing. Do people not have human intuition anymore? Maybe this is why people can accept a mechanical life? I feel like I still use my human abilities once in a while. I base things off feeling and not always what I'm told and what the stats say. The human spirit is a powerful tool, use it sometimes. Maybe this is why I feel alone, because I am the only fully functional human being in my life. I walk alone in the sea of warm blooded, walking, talking robots. Maybe I'm not as modest as I think I am. It appears that I am putting myself above everyone, but at the same time, I put my self below everyone because I am not part of the majority and it is unhealthy to be crazy, correct? I like to think that I am a humble human being. I think part of that has to do with that through out my life, I have always been told that I can't do this or that because of some limitation I have. Lately I have been trying to tell myself that I can do this or that, and that I am just being to humble. I don't know. I just confuse myself when I talk about things like this. Lately I only feel truly happy around a couple of people. My friend Jon seems to always be there and although we joke about his ignorant nature, he really is one of the brighter people I know. We all joke about it and make fun of his "innocence" more then others but thats only because he accepts that he sometimes isn't the most aware person. I have a couple of friends who seem like the will never come to understand that they are not as good as they make them selves out to be. Last night I was very annoyed by a friends self boasting. He has a history of being cocky but still, I just can't be around that all night. I give credit where credit is due, but he refused to accept that he really is bad at what he was doing. I am really excited for Jon to get done with school so I can be around him a little more. I am hoping to spend a lot of time with him this summer because I really won't see him when school comes back around. He plans of working full time at his Dads place but hopefully he will make some time for me. Again, its not up to me, my loyalty will always be there. I've come to understand that since I will always be there, I will leave the choice to the other party. I think the departure of Jon will have great consequences for our group of friends. I think after this summer, only people who want to remain in the group will remain and everyone else will move on to "better" things. It seems very easy for people to let go of things and move on to the next thing that is offered. This fear makes me want to move in with Dean and Mitch this fall because I really do value people. I think he lets me, Jon and I will be friends for a long time. This means that people closely affiliated with Jon will also be allowed to join us for the ride. Dean will most likely be there, but I can see him switching parties because of a better offer. I can see A-Christ being there. I can even see Mitch and maybe even Ben Lee being there in my future. Other then that, this may be the last summer with many of my other friends. I will try to enjoy it while it lasts, but it is hard for me to invest in something I know won't be there for me in the future. Greedy? Maybe so, but I've given a lot already. Along with Jon, the revival of my friend A-Christ (Andy Christenson) has been very refreshing. We went through a tough time and my stubborn nature didn't help. But again, I feel like I had no wrong doing in our bout (Sounds like I think I am always right haha). I still may right about our history some day. But it seems like during our time away from each other, he was allowed to do some soul searching, some real human searching. I appreacite that he still acts like a human being. Lastly, spending time with my old friend Ben Lee has been refreshing. I didn't think I would see him much this summer because I really thought he had moved on the "better" things. And the summer is young, maybe I won't see him for the rest of summer, its up to him, but I appreciate the last couple of meetings with him. On Saturday I think it was, I got to sit with him one on one at Peter's party and we just sat there and played music. I felt alive I guess. I've never done drugs before, and please don't laugh at this next statement haha, but I guess I felt high almost (Such a stupid comment haha). I felt tired, but awake, I felt like I wasn't thinking, but I was. A very euphoric feeling I guess. I wish we could have spent the rest of the night like that, but Megan McDounough (how ever you spell that crazy ass last name) came over and it kind of snapped me out of what ever state I was in. But it was okay, we had a fun conversation. I never realized, but in a public setting, Ben and I make a nice little team. We put on this half retared act and I don't know why. Maybe I desire some attention or something. Maybe I search for love. Maybe I'm crazy.

I just woke up from a mean nap about an hour ago (1 am) and that is not good because now I'll probably go to sleep at like 4 am and wake up around noon. The next few chores I need to do are help my parents with the landscaping and clean my room. I want to adjust my clothes so my closet is summer ready. I have a lot of long sleeves and coats hanging right now. Summer attire is so boring compared to winter attire because you don't get to layer and have fun. But I hate being hot and Minnesota humidity is horrible so I guess I have to live with it. After all that I will probably try my luck with some music and edit Gay'mon 2: Gay'me on. Lately I've been trying to learn more about my singing voice and I've come to realize I really suck at singing haha. Screaming I fair okay, but when it comes to singing I suck. I have no strength in my voice and when I try to sing composed its often nasally and it sounds like I'm flat a lot of the time. Maybe I need to borrow a book on singing. I wish I had the talent to sing, because then I could make a living off doing something I really love, Creating. Creating art that makes people feel.

Anywho, I'll probably start editing Gay'mon2 after I end this blog. I will try to make blogging and regular thing and I hope to finish my zombie blogs as well.

I'm running out of names here

Tomorrow (Friday) is the last day of class for my spring semester of 2007. Pretty crazy how quickly it went. I have a short Korean final presentation and in my rock discussion we will be reviewing for our final. Sounds like a pretty easy day. And of course, Lunch with my wonderful mother.

I wish I lived in New Jersey because this weekend they are hosting Bamboozle 2007. For those of you not familiar with Bomboozle, it is the emo, indie, screamo, post-hardcore, punk, etc, equivalent of "We Fest" (is that how you spell it? I was going to spell it Wii Fest, but after Wii came out everything is Wii to me). I think, I don't listen to much country. If anyone wants to road trip it right when I get home on Friday, lets do this damn thing. Oh, p.s, I don't have a car, tee hee. It'd be such an amazing way to kick off my summer break and such a good warm up for Warped Tour 2007 which is going to be amazing, no doubt about it. I hope everyone is able to experience Warped at least one time in their life. But back to Bamboozle, tons of amazing bands that I would love to see live. I am making it a life goal to go there once. Check this friggin list:

Saturday May 5th

PEP RALLY
10:00 - 10:40 DJ PRIME
10:40 - 10:45 PARADE OF NOTHINGS FEATURING POP POP PONTIFF & THE FAULTER BOYS
10:45 - 10:50 ELMO'S MEADOWLANDS ADDRESS
10:50 - 11:30 ANDREW WK
11:30 - 11:31 RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY
11:31 - 12:00 DJ PRIME

MAIN STAGE A
11:45 - 12:05 SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING
12:25 - 12:55 PHIL BENSEN
1:25 - 1:55 BOYS LIKE GIRLS
2:25 - 2:55 SILVERSTEIN
3:25 - 3:55 BAYSIDE
4:25 - 4:55 CARTEL
5:25 - 5:55 SAY ANYTHING
6:30 - 7:05 NEW FOUND GLORY
7:40 - 8:20 HELLOGOODBYE
9:00 - 10:30 MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

MONSTER STAGE
12:05 - 12:25 END OF AN ERA
12:55 - 1:25 THE RECEIVING END OF SIRENS
1:55 - 2:25 CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR
2:55 - 3:25 PARAMORE
3:55 - 4:25 THE SPILL CANVAS
4:55 - 5:25 THE STARTING LINE
5:55 - 6:30 MC HAMMER
7:05 - 7:40 SAVES THE DAY
8:20 - 9:00 MUSE

CARNIVALE STAGE
12:05- 12:25 SAY WHEN
12:45 - 1:15 THE FORECAST
1:45 - 2:15 THE PINK SPIDERS
2:45 - 3:15 VALENCIA
3:45 - 4:15 LYDIA
4:45 - 5:15 SECONDHAND SERENADE
5:45 - 6:15 THIS PROVIDENCE
6:45 - 7:15 GREAT AMERICAN FREEDOM MACHINE (Motion City Soundtrack)
7:55 - 8:25 THE ROCKET SUMMER

SAINTS & SINNERS STAGE
11:45 - 12:05 MUTINY
12:25 - 12:45 THE HIGH COURT
1:15 - 1:45 PERMANENT ME
2:15 - 2:45 MAYLENE & THE SONS OF DISASTER
3:15 - 3:45 MEN WOMEN & CHILDREN
4:15 - 4:45 HOUSTON CALLS
5:15 - 5:45 HIT THE LIGHTS
6:15 - 6:45 BEARFORT (Thursday)
7:15 - 7:25 ELMO'S BIG BAND
7:25 - 7:55 YESTERDAY'S 2MORROW (Van Stone)
8:25 - 9:00 LORDI

RIOT SQUAD STAGE
11:30 - 11:50 THE LOOK
12:10 - 12:30 AND THEN THERE WERE MACHINES
12:55 - 1:25 FORGIVE DURDEN
1:55 - 2:25 THE AKAS
2:55 - 3:25 LIMBECK
3:55 - 4:25 MANCHESTER ORCHESTRA
4:55 - 5:25 THE CRIBS
5:55 - 6:25 HOT ROD CIRCUIT
6:55 - 7:25 MONEEN
7:55 - 8:25 CAPTURED BY ROBOTS

MACBETH STAGE
11:50 - 12:10 VAMPIRE FOR HIRE
12:35 - 12:55 SKULL MOTION
1:25 - 1:55 PLAYRADIOPLAY
2:25 - 2:55 RONNIE DAY
3:25 - 3:55 MOROS EROS
4:25 - 4:55 MADINA LAKE
5:25 - 5:55 THE AUDITION
6:25 - 6:55 MEG & DIA
7:25 - 7:55 THE ALMOST
8:25 - 8:55 THE HUSH SOUND

BAMBOOZLE TV STUDIO
12:35 - 1:05 WE THE KINGS
1:20 - 1:50 HOLIDAY PARADE
2:05 - 2:35 ENVY ON THE COAST
3:00 - 3:30 THE LOCALS (The Matches)
3:50 - 4:20 THRICE
4:30 - 4:45 DAN BOULGER
5:00 - 5:30 BIKER WOMEN (The Sleeping)
5:50 - 6:20 FOREVER IN MOTION
6:30 - 7:00 NEW ATLANTIC
7:20 - 7:40 FAKE GIMMS
8:00 - 8:20 BETRAYAL

PASS THE MIC LEFT STAGE
11:45 - 12:05 ENDLESS ESCAPE
12:25 - 12:45 RENDER
1:05 - 1:30 THE SUNSTREAK
1:50 - 2:20 HIGH CLASS ELITE
2:45 - 3:10 ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
3:50 - 4:25 WHOLE WHEAT BREAD FT ROB BASE & DJ EZ ROCK
4:55 - 5:10 BERT KREISCHER
5:30 - 5:45 MITCH FATEL
6:05 - 6:15 MIKE BOCCHETTI
6:15 - 6:30 DONNELL RAWLINGS
7:00 - 7:30 JUST SURRENDER
8:00 - 9:00 THE LIAM SHOW

PASS THE MIC RIGHT STAGE
12:05 - 12:25 THE IRONBOUND
12:45 - 1:05 GROUND TO MACHINE
1:30 - 1:50 CAPITOL RISK
2:20 - 2:45 SO THEY SAY
3:10 - 3:35 PATENT PENDING
3:35 - 3:50 NICK THUNE
4:25 - 4:55 THE CASKET SALESMEN
5:10 - 5:30 MAYBRIDGE
5:45 - 6:05 RED LIGHT GREEN LIGHT
6:30 - 7:00 BETWEEN THE TREES
7:30 - 8:00 JEFFREE STAR

Sunday May 6th

MAIN STAGE A
12:05 - 12:45 BRAND NEW
1:15 - 1:45 JEDI MIND TRICKS
2:15 - 2:45 THE EARLY NOVEMBER
3:15 - 3:45 MAE
4:15 - 4:45 ARMOR FOR SLEEP
5:15 - 5:45 THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS
6:15 - 6:50 THRICE
7:25 - 8:05 TAKING BACK SUNDAY
8:50 - 10:15 LINKIN PARK

MONSTER STAGE
11:45 - 12:05 CORDOVA
12:45 - 1:15 YOUNG LOVE
1:45 - 2:15 RELIENT K
2:45 - 3:15 FROM FIRST TO LAST
3:45 - 4:15 CIRCA SURVIVE
4:45 - 5:15 KILLSWITCH ENGAGE
5:45 - 6:15 YELLOWCARD
6:50 - 7:25 JACKS MANNEQUIN
8:05 - 8:50 WEIRD AL YANKOVIC

CARNIVALE STAGE
11:45 - 12:05 RECKLESS SONS
12:25 - 12:50 THE SECRET HANDSHAKE
1:20 - 1:50 ANBERLIN
2:20 - 2:50 LYDIA
3:20 - 3:50 DAPHNE LOVES DERBY
4:20 - 4:50 ALL TIME LOW
5:20 - 5:50 THE SLEEPING
6:20 - 6:50 PLAIN WHITE T'S
7:20 - 7:50 VAN STONE
8:20 - 8:50 LORDI

SAINTS & SINNERS STAGE
12:05 - 12:25 FOUR STORIES
12:50 - 1:20 SAINT CAINE
1:50 - 2:20 DROP DEAD, GORGEOUS
2:50 - 3:20 HASTE THE DAY
3:50 - 4:20 THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
4:50 - 5:20 IT DIES TODAY
5:50 - 6:20 THE BLED
6:50 - 7:20 NORMA JEAN
7:50 - 8:20 AS I LAY DYING

RIOT SQUAD STAGE
11:35 - 12:00 BLESS THE FALL
12:25 - 12:50 THE OOHLAS
1:20 - 1:50 THE DEAR HUNTER
2:20 - 2:50 SCHOOLYARD HEROES
3:20 - 3:50 HALIFAX
4:20 - 4:50 STATE RADIO
5:20 - 5:50 RX BANDITS
6:20 - 6:50 XCANUCKX (Silverstein)
7:20 - 7:50 JULIETTE & THE LICKS
8:20 - 8:50 CAPTURED BY ROBOTS

MACBETH STAGE
12:00 - 12:25 NORA
12:50 - 1:20 SHERWOOD
1:50 - 2:20 THE MATCHES
2:50 - 3:20 FAIR TO MIDLAND
3:50 - 4:20 SCARY KIDS SCARING KIDS
4:50 - 5:20 ENVY ON THE COAST
5:50 - 6:20 THE DEATH OF... (Hawthorne Heights)
6:50 - 7:20 CATCH 22
7:50 - 8:20 THE JONAS BROTHERS

BAMBOOZLE TV STUDIO
12:15 - 12:35 PHIL BENSEN
12:40 - 1:05 SECONDHAND SERENADE
1:10 - 1:35 THE SPILL CANVAS
1:50 - 2:15 DANGER:RADIO
2:30 - 2:50 ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
3:05 - 3:30 KYLE & NAT
3:35 - 4:00 RETARDOBOT (Madina Lake)
4:25 - 4:50 JACKS MANNEQUIN
5:05 - 5:35 TREATY OF PARIS
5:50 - 6:20 AMBER PACIFIC
6:35 - 7:05 QUIET DRIVE
7:20 - 7:50 THE GRADUATE
8:05 - 8:25 COMMAND RADIO

PASS THE MIC STAGE RIGHT
11:40 - 12:00 CONDITIONS
12:20 - 12:45 WE ARE THE FURY
1:10 - 1:35 DRIVE BY
1:55 - 2:20 DAVE MELILLO
2:40 - 3:00 POWERSPACE
3:15 - 3:45 REVOLUTION MOTHER
4:10 - 4:35 MONTY ARE I
4:50 - 5:15 MELEE
5:40 - 5:55 SHANE MAUSS
6:10 - 6:35 STATUS GREEN
7:05 - 7:25 MORE LIKE THE MOON
7:45 - 8:05 PERFUMA
8:25 - 8:55 ROBERT KELLY

PASS THE MIC STAGE LEFT
12:00 - 12:20 STEREO SKYLINE
12:45 - 1:10 CLARA LOFARO
1:35 - 1:55 FOUR LETTER LIE
2:20 - 2:40 THE MURDER & THE HARLOT
3:00 - 3:15 CHRIS KANIK
3:45 - 4:10 KENOTIA
4:35 - 4:50 PETE CORREALE
5:15 - 5:40 CAFFEINE
5:55 - 6:10 JOSH SPEAR
6:35 - 7:05 MIKE BIRBIGLIA
7:25 - 7:45 BLACKTOP MOURNING
8:05 - 8:25 COUNTERFIT PENNIES

If you are a rock fan, tell me you didn't pee pee your pants a little? Well actually don't, cause thats nasty. I wish I could fly right about now.

Lately, I've been thinking about making my blogs private because my blogs sometimes get kind of juicy because I like to think and blog about taboo topics. Yes they are taboo, but they are real life topics and I hate to sidestep them, but I don't need negativity from commenters. I really like hearing about from other people because more perspectives mean more knowledge, but if people can't respond with a respectful and open minded tone, then I just don't want to hear it. 90% of me blogging is so I can collect my thoughts and get them on paper (or digital paper?) so I can organize what I really think and so I can come back and look at them in the future. The 10% is so I can hear what people think, because again, being multicultured is very important I think. Being ignorant from what other people are thinking and closing your self off from other thoughts should be a crime punishable by death, or castration, either will do. So I will see how this works out and I will begin to experiment with closed blogs depending on things.
I have a problem and that problem is that I like to talk to much and I like to ask to many question about thoughts and values. Maybe this is why I get into trouble with so many of my blogs. This problem has only come up recently after I discovered my love for human thought. I wrote in my blog notes that I was going mention this and I was going to talk about how maybe I should shut the fuck up a little from now on. No one wants to hear me ramble about how I think life is inevitably confusing and no one wants to hear my unarticulated and non poetic thoughts. But then I read a blog and I told my self "screw people, they can kiss my ass," and if they don't want to hear my philosophy on life, well to bad. I'm going to force feed them until they puke. Here is the blog I read that changed my perspective:

Do what you want to do. Live how you want to live. No one has a claim over your life and your opinions. On this tour a book had been given to me called: Uncommon Sense. Sort of the companion book of Common Sense, finishing off what Thomas Paine began. A very political, or should I say unpolitical book, so for those afraid of new ideas please don't venture off to begin this book. Anyway, aside from all the political "nonsense" if you will, which I found to be such a rude awakening and keen eye opener, refreshing, blah blah blah, near the end of the book I found an idea that I believe could or should appeal to all of you. The book began to get very personal, portraying a scenario that could accurately describe my own life, much to the delight of the author I'm sure. He began to say things like, "why do you think people turn to all these entertainments of movies, and music, food, woman (ugh!)?" I always thought engaging in these activities was a perfectly healthy thing to do until I read the next couple lines..."to escape!" The authors voice echoed re-percussively in my head. To escape from what? "To escape from BOREDOM! To escape from lack of purpose!" Curiously I read a bit further. Well everybody tries to answer the stupid-get you nowhere, unimportant, unnecessary question: what is the purpose of life? All right tough guy, try to defy every text book, every philosophical pamphlet in your little political opinion book. He wrote, "The purpose of life is to live FREE." Completely unprepared and unwilling to be moved I found myself stunned: to live free. To live how you want. Do what you want. LIve how you want to live. So now, we arrive back to the important topic here. The topic of tour. Yes the topic being discussed between Saves the Day, The Deer Hunter, Say Anything and us - Meg and Dia. I'm going to go ahead and throw it out here. Feel free to find my house and egg it. Find my car and empty out the air from my tires. Publicly denounce me. Whatever you want. Just don't you DARE touch Frou Frou, my stuffed cat. Anyway, here it comes: I don't find The Get Up Kids to be legendary. There, I said it! All the respect if you ever had any. Gone out the window. Do what you want to do. Live how you want to live. Uh huh. You know that guy Chris Conelly, yeah, that's the one. He kind of sings and writes and is Saves the Day, the legend, the pioneer. And Max Bemis, yeah the wonder boy genius. Well, they all know. They all like The Get Up Kids. I'm pretty sure, The Get Up Kids wouldn't stick a Meg and Dia cd in for longer than 2 minutes. Perfect. Cool. They don't like it. I don't like it. You don't like it. If you don't like the Beatles that's fine. If you don't like purple. That's fine. If you don't like us you're going to Hell. If you don't like scrambled eggs cool. Granted some opinions are a bit more risky to state publicly than others. But that's how you grow. This is how you become your OWN individual, by judging and discerning your OWN opinions based on knowledge you YOURSELF have discovered. That's who you are. Don't fear it. Do what you want to do. Live how you want to live. Maybe, like in my case, an individual on the tour whom I respect in one of the above mentioned bands might come up to you and say, "Hey you know your OUTRAGEOUS comment about the Get Up Kids?" (here is where they look back and forth tentatively just to be sure no one is listening), "well, I kind of agree with you". Do what you want to do. Live how you want to live.
-Meg Frampton

Here is what I wrote in response to her blog:
Dearest Meg Frampton,

I loved reading this, I can relate it to a lot of recent events in my own life. Sorry if this comment turns out to be super long, I'm kind of bad at articulating my thoughts and feelings.

I write this comment like my questions and concerns are actually going to be answered, but you never know. I assume you guys are very busy and I'm not blaming you guys at all. And its not only you guys I want to hear from, I want to hear from anyone that has any input. Life is so confusing and the more presepctives I learn about, the better I feel.

And is it scary that I know your whole name even though we have never met? Is it scary that we all talk to you so casually even though we probably know nothing about you?

Anywho, I think I am going to search for those two books and read them over my summer break. Oh, I don't mean to digress but while I'm on the topic of summer, don't you guys dare skip Minnesota again while on the Warped Tour...or else...or else...umm...Frou Frou. Ya! Frou Frou sucka! But I love philosophical conversations because if we can't understand one self and how the human mind and how human nature works, there is no point in living I think. I hate how there is so much focus and energy put into scientific advancements and political justifications when we barely know how to live our lives as human beings. Thats why I love it when you guys actually write about your lives and not whats going on musically because you guys really do open up philosophical doors for everyone. Stimulation is a great thing I think.

It sounds like you agree with what you learned from the book, and yes, I think it is a good message too, but there will always be a dichotomy of some sort in every aspect of life. Thats what makes life so confusing and complicated. I think the most important thing in life in balance. I think this world is so crazy you really can't go all out on one thing. Maybe you can go all out on love? Love is something everyone could use more of? But after you think about it, there can be arguments made for how that might be stupid. See, its all to confusing to me and I told you I can't articulate well. And really I don't know where I am going with all this, but I hope it makes a little sense to everyone. So yes, live the way you want to, follow what you believe in because really there is no wrong or right. Do what makes you happy.

How I wish I could just have a short conversation with you guys or people with minds like yours. The human "thought" is a very beautiful thing.

Sometimes I feel like I contradict myself and I feel like a huge hypocrite. Sometimes I feel like I am better than everyone and sometimes I feel like I know nothing. Sometimes I feel Aristotle and sometimes I feel like a big dummy...(Bush...pwah haha, thats mean). Sometimes I feel like I just shouldn't say anything because I will most likely change my opinion on it later and then someone will use my previous statement against me. Sometimes I feel loved, sometimes I feel like no one is there. Sometimes I wish I was naive, stupid, and ignorant because what you don't know really doesn't hurt you. And a lot of the times I don't know how to get my feelings on paper or can't speak what I'm feeling deep down inside because it is so far down in my soul. I use a lot of intuition and people without strong intuition will probably never feel what I feel. Human life and our society really is to confusing to put into words and to keep consistent, so sometimes I just fuck it (I really don't, I always try to be politically correct and respectful and its hard for me to change). I can't please everyone so do what I think and want and say what I want when I want. I brought up in a previous blog how I wanted to be more impulsive, and maybe deep down inside, I knew this would be therapeutic to me but didn't have an excuse to do it. I was actually not going to try it because its to risky, but with some help, I think maybe I can loosen up a little. On Tuesday night I went to go eat with Dean and it was the last time I need to stay at his place this semester. I was going to give him some money since he bought me dinner at a U of M cafeteria with his Ucard and I was going to give him some money since he let me stay at his place all semester but then I stopped and I didn't. Why? I'm not 100% sure. Maybe it is because I'm a greedy fuck. But I thought more and more about it and the excuse I came up with was that even if I give him this money, it won't make him like me more. Sure he will like me a little more for the next 30 minutes but when that appreciation wears off, its back to normal. Giving him that money doesn't mean he will be in my life 20 years from now. This is how I imagined my life with all of my friends. Like I always say, I am a loyal person and I always imagine being with the same group of people until the end but if they don't buy into my system, it doesn't matter. And let me tell you, most of them don't buy into this idea, all most all of them don't. So I thought about it, and I wanted to give him $20-$30 because I really appreciated and still appreciate what he did for me, but really he won't be in my life 20 years from now and I will just be down $30. I regret that I didn't give him the money, and I still might give it to him next time I see him, but thats how I felt. Today I go home with Barnett and I plan on giving him some extra cash for taking me to school and back home with him this year. And I am going to, but why is it easier for me to pay Joe and harder for me to pay Dean? Historically wouldn't Dean be my closer friend? Shouldn't I pay Dean first and Joe second? Is this why my close friends leave me when something better comes up? Anywho, I am just rambling and bitching now. I didn't mean for this blog to get so long but sometimes when I let my heart do the blogging and I don't really think about what is coming out it gets kind of long. I bet when my heart blogs evreything is kind of jumbled and makes little sense. Oh well, I really like it when I blog from the heart and not my brain and it has been a while. Alright alright, the end.

Zombie Dream Chapter 13

Today is the big day. After what seems like a life time of work, we finally get to move into our new mansion and I can't wait to see the faces on the people. But this is just the beginning, after we all move in people get to decorate their rooms and I can't wait to see and feel all that excitement. Slowly while move in day approached, we moved peoples belongings from the hotel into their rooms for them so that now we only need to transfer the people over there. Last night we had our final practice and it seems like everyone is really nervous and excited. I get this feeling that maybe we should wait one more day before we do this but people keep telling me today is the day. I look out the window and the weather doesn't seem that nice either. Cloudy and slightly windy but nothing to bad. I'm probably just being paranoid. Everyone double checks everything and now that we have everything and everyone we all start moving out to the cars. I feel really empty because this place has been our home for a very long time, but we are going to a better place and thats is whats most important. I'm the last one out and I quickly run over to the car so we can get going. There is a lot of excitement in the car and I can feel it myself in the pit of my stomach. The car ride seems really quick and my car unloads first and I run up to the front of the line of cars. People start walking out of their cars and they form a line. After everyone gets out I signal to Mitch and Dawson's team to lead the line and everyone starts moving. There are a bunch of teams assigned to hover around and help people as we move. Everyone is very quiet and you can only head the sound of footsteps on the dirt. The line is longer then I thought. The pace is good and we should be there in a few minutes. I watch the line move and I see a bunch of faces I know and I see more faces that I don't know. Everyone looks at me a smiles as they walk by and I feel really guilty for not smiling back and guilty for not knowing some of them. I see my parents and Leah in the middle of the line and they wave but I ignore them. Behind my family are the rest of the families that were there from the start. They all wave but I pretend like I don't see them. I see Jim a few families behind and he gives me a head nod and I look at him to acknowledge his gesture. I look around Jim but I don't see Amanda and it worries me since I haven't seen Jim or Amanda for a long time. I hope Amanda is okay. We all keep walking and it is still very quiet and everyone is very concentrated. The walk is taking a lot longer that I had thought. I hear a bunch of leaves and branches crunching and I hear a thump like a body hitting the ground and I turn to see what is happening and I see a someone that has fallen to the ground. It didn't seem like we were being attacked so I don't run over to the area but I start to worry that people might panic and the line will stop. The line continues and I stand there to make sure nothing happens and everyone just walks around the fallen person. I feel kind of bad for the person but this is how we practiced it. I see Jon and Dean come from the front of the line to see what is going on but they kind of stop when they see I'm already there. After I see the line is still moving I look more carefully to see who the person on the ground is. The person looks very familiar but I can only see her back. When she turns around while grabbing her ankle I see that its Amanda and I look over to Jon and Dean hoping that they run over and help her. My heart picks up and I keep looking around hoping someone breaks the rules and helps her but everyone is disciplined and sticks to the plan. I close my eyes and I collect my thoughts and quickly I realize there is only one choice. I toss Jon my rifle and I sprint down the line so I can help her up. When I get close I see that she is crying but she is doing her best to not make any noise. I look at her ankle and it is bleeding so I take my coat off and I wipe the blood off. I look into her eyes and I feel so guilty for not coming to her aid right away. How scared she must have been knowing that she might be left behind. I set my coat over her shoulders and I gently help her up and guide her into my back. I feel everyone staring at me and I look away from everyone hoping I can avoid the shame. I walk by Jon and Dean and I look up at them expecting angry face but they flash me a smile and then they get back to work. I piggyback Amanda near the front of the line next to a level 2 team since I don't have a weapon on me. She has calmed down and I feel better about myself but I still feel a lot of guilt for not helping her right away and for not talking to her for so long. I want to ask her if she is okay but we are all trying to stay as quiet as possible. She whispers into my ear, "I like piggybacks," and rests her head on my shoulder. We arrive at the house and I look at peoples faces as they walk by. The priceless expressions on their faces make this all seem worth it. I watch some more people walk by and then I carry Amanda in so we can get her cleaned up. For a moment, I feel like everything is going to be okay.

(Much later: The move to our final fort. Cory attacks. Our group gets news press. Mitch outside. Couple more battles.)

Zombie Dream Chapter 12

We are really close to finishing the new house and everyone is getting pretty excited to see it. I am planning out how we are going to get everyone to the site. I have this idea where we clear out a path on the other side of the big hill where people can walk. The walk will be a little bit longer but at least the terrain won't be so harsh. If we go through with this plan we need to practice and make sure no one messes up. One slip could mean disaster. We were on one of the news stations today. It was a Dawson interview and we all found his answers to be very funny since he gave these really political, scientific and bull shit professional answers. I found it funny but I wasn't able to physically laugh for some odd reason. I go and work out later and after we have a "Hood Killers" dinner but we also invite Tom's old team. They have made a new level 2 team and didn't want to be level 1 to show respect for Tom. Everyone is joking and the happy atmosphere makes me feel lighter but I just sit back and watch everyone goof around. I cut all the noise in the room off and I just look at everyone at the dinner table. Everyone has grown up so much but they still look and act young. Dick is maybe 6 feet tall and he looks like he could kick my ass now. Maybe he has been working out more then me. Maybe its time to take him out on more missions, he probably is ready. Jon is still Jon but has matured a lot and has kind of grown into a leadership role. Jon has been going out with the cute little blonde from way back for a long time. I wonder if things are getting serious between the two. I wonder if she is still a gold digging bitch or of she actually likes Jon now. Dean is still smaller then the rest of us but he is damn quick when out in action. He actually found him self a nice little girl friend. A small little Chinese girl who is super out going and nice. They almost seems like the opposite of Dean but they seem very happy together. She even manages to lift my spirits when ever I get the chance to talk to her. She almost managed to make me laugh the other day. Jon and Dean are always hanging out together just like when we left our old home in Plymouth and Grand Forks. Deans girl and I like to make fun of Jon and Dawson's girl since they are kind of shady. Dawson and Mitch get along a lot better and they have grown close to their new team members. Dawson is still going out with the same chick as well. She has put on a lot of weight but Dawson still brags about how beautiful she is and I guess I don't really know her that well so I can't judge. I don't watch the news with Dawson much anymore since I am in my room planning things out or at the build site. Mitch is still Mitch. He doesn't have anyone new in his life but he seems to be happy. I've been with these guys forever and they seem to be happy during such a tough time in the history of man. Thats good. After dinner I walk up to my room and I go to sleep.


I brought Dick on a couple of more missions and I also take him along to patrol the site with me. He very effective but I still don't like putting him out where there are a lot of creatures. He has quickly been promoted to a level 2 team. I send him on a few missions with his new team alone but I try not to do it to much. I've given Dawson and Mitch's team a job to protect Dick's group. When ever Dick's team goes on missions, Dawson and Mitch's team goes with them. Mitch hates it and thinks I am forcing him to babysit Dick. Dawson accepts it and follows my request. Dick hates it and tells me that they just get in the way. We haven't lost any people since Tom and that is a great achievement because it has been a long while. I haven't seen my Mom and Dad for a long time and I think I should visit them next time I get a chance. I don't know what I would say to them. I introduced my plan to get everyone into the new house and it sounds like people agree with it. We will start practicing with everyone soon since we will be moving in soon.

The dream house is basically done and now we just need to get everything planned out and our strategy practiced before we move out. We went out the other and got a bunch of things that people could decorate their rooms with. Jon girlfriend was a little to excited. I wouldn't be surprised if Barbie wet her damn pants. We have been practicing how we are going to get everyone to the building a lot and it seems like people understand how this is going to work out. I showed them a bunch of pictures of the area so they could get an idea of what it might be like. I keep telling everyone that we can't afford any mistakes. I'm worried that my words are to harsh and that it scares people, but I just want everyone to be aware and ready. We made this rule where if someone trips or falls out of formation or something happens to them that everyone should keep moving because it would slow the whole line down if they stopped to help them. This made some people worried but Jon tells them they have nothing to worry about. Jon tells them that if someone trips that a level 1 or level 2 fighter will be able to help them and that everyone else should keep moving. Level 1 and 2 fighters will be roaming around and setting up a perimeter around the line of moving people. I look at Jon like "who the hell made all these ideas up?" but he keeps talking and I let him because it seems like it makes people feel better. I just hope they don't get careless.


We are on this mission with a few other teams to get some equipment to clear a clean path for people to walk on when we move into our new house in the next few days. It is a night mission and the place looks like hell but I guess what we need is in this one building so we are out to get it. Dick and his team are set up in different buildings to lend us support. My team moves into position and we get ready to run across this long street to get to the building. I look up at Dick and he is set up with his sniper rifle and I see Mitch and Dawson's team up there with him with rifles also ready to support us. We see some monsters roaming around in the street and Dean tosses a grenade at them to clear a path. When the explosion goes off we take off and shoot down what ever we can. I hear the support teams up in the buildings shooting down distant monsters while we handle to immediate threats. There are a bunch of things in the way and we split up to avoid them but quickly form into our defensive position. The three of us stand back to back and move together then split apart to get around things quick. I see this huge monster and I fire at him but my pistols seem to have no affect on him so our triangle rotates and now Jon faces the ogre and gives him a few blasts with his shotgun. It goes down a lot quicker. There are a bunch of crashed cars in the way and we slide over the hoods to get by them quicker. Dean slides over a hood and right before he gets to the other side a creature jumps out and quickly Dean stabs it in the head. Jon trips and I see a monster about to jump on him and I turn to help him but a creature jumps in front of my way and I shoot it to clear a path. As the monster I shoot drops the creature that was about to jump on Jon drops. I look around and wonder what happened to it then I look up at Dick and he gives us a thumbs up. We move in and out of the building with what we need and our way back to the car is a lot smoother. Looks like tomorrow we move into our new home.

Sye Green

Summer is just around the corner and I am itching for it to come. I am trying to stay focused so I can do well on my finals but my mind keeps wandering like I have A.D.D, haha please. But the other day I forgot to do my Korean homework and now I have to hand it in late. I'm super pumped for summer but other than Warped Tour I have no major plans. I'll need to find a job thats for sure but it is going to be tough since I don't have a car. It should still be nice to rest my mind and sit around and do nothing. A little change is needed right now. With my spare time I plan to write a lot of music, go to the library and read a bunch of books, and when ever I can make a couple of videos. I know fall semester will fall upon me in a blink of an eye so I don't want to over plan. Maybe if things work out, I can fit a road trip or something in there too. 2 more weeks until I get to relax and do what ever the hell I want.

If you still haven't, go check out the brand new The Used music video. It is fricken sweet! I wish they were coming to Minnesota for Warped Tour but they aren't. I once heard a that The Used played over 600 shows in 2 years. Now I'm no math major but if I did my elementary arithmetic right, thats pretty friggin amazing. They were really sweet when I saw them live but I had only gotten into them at the time and couldn't rock out with them. They are really loud.

My weekend was pretty eventful.
Friday started out the same then Jon picked me up and we went to the park to play some basketball. When we got there the old dudes crew were already there playing. I say old but don't I don't mean a bunch of grand daddies running around, they were just significantly older then us, but they did have a guy from Maple Grove class of 2001. One of their guys left early so I got to hop in before the rest of my crew played but after we played a couple of games and more of their guys cleared out we played my crew vs. their crew. We lost both games and it pissed me the fuck off because we shouldn't have lost and they were little shit talkers so that made me want to bring it to them even more. Sometimes I feel the "Kevin Garnett-syndrome" or "Kobe-syndrome" but I also put a lot of the blame on myself. I just wish sometimes my teammates were as passionate as I am. I wish there was more of a team attitude where if one guy makes fun of one person on our team, he is making fun of our whole team. That type of attitude is hard to find in the suburbs and it bothers me that when I play basketball and it is a bunch of individuals running around and not a team. Anywho, I know next time I play those old fucks I'm bringing my bows to chin mentality. I will not lose another fucking game to those fucks. And before we do I will beg my teammates to play their heart outs and think team and to do it for me. It would mean so much to me if I could shut those old fucks up. I got really ticked off when I called a foul and the guys that fouled me were calling my judgment soft when I've been getting hit my their old elbows all day without calling anything. I'll show them what physical basketball means next time I play them. I'll stop here because I feel my blood pressure rising thinking about it. After I walked around to cool off my crew played a few more games. After we got cleaned up we hopped over to Taco Bell and got us some tacos. Vince joined us and it was the first time I saw him since March 9th. Not that I obsess over him and I remember dates, but thats when we saw 300. After Taco Bell we went to Jon's and played some Melee. I miss playing that game for hours but it just seems like people aren't motivated to play that game anymore and its a damn shame. Hopefully this summer people will want to play it again, I like busting out the whooping stick.
After a very very long day at church on Saturday we went to the thrift store. We didn't find a lot of things but Andy scored a couple of articles. He got this really sweet girl belt that I would have gotten if I could fit it. I really wish I wasn't so fucking fat so I could buy some girl clothes cause they obviously have more selection then men do. After we sat around at Jon's house and waited for Peter to come over since we gave him a role in our movie but after it passed the deadline he gave us we went to go film without him. We filmed Gay'Mon 2: Gay'me On and it might turn out to be the best thing we ever made. Hopefully I can edit that soon. After filming we went over to Andy's house and had a fire and ate some burgers. We sat around and talked about a bunch of things and then Natalie's friends came over so we played cops and robbers, our crew vs. their crew. It was the first time we played night games in over 3 years and it was a lot of fun. We joked around about the time I snapped on Brian May when we played capture the flag. We caught the other crew really fast and when we were the robbers we won that. No thanks to me because I got caught right off the bat. I hid under a pine tree and after my arm got all theses rashes and swelled up. Do pine needles have like chemicals in them? Anywho, horrible idea. After we sat around the fire for a bit more and chatted the night away. When people took off we moved over to Jon's since we planned to sleep over there. We watched the raw Gay'mon footage and laughed our asses off. Then we popped in a movie I had for like 2 years but never watched called Hatchetman. I only caught a little bit of the movie but it was just ridiculous. A really good shitty movie. It wasn't enough to keep me awake though since all I saw were a bunch of strippers dancing, but I guess the plot thickens later. The plan was to hit up Perkins late night but I was to tired so only the others went.
The first half of Sunday was dedicated to computer work. My parents and I went out and did some computer shopping and we were going to drop my broken laptop off at the tech center of CompUSA but it was closed since they are going out of business. After I got home I sat around and watched some NBA playoffs. Steve Nash is soooo icky. I remember now how beautiful basketball can be when it is played by smart human beings and not by a bunch of inner city thugs. After the boys came over and we played some Fusion Frenzy. Then I went to Dean's to sleep over where I sat on the computer and did a bunch of HUB shopping since it will be gone during the summer. I tried to get a lot of sleep that night but Dean's roommate kept trying to wake me up to the Unsolved Mysteries theme and it was very very annoying. Look, if it doesn't work the first 8 times, stop, there is no need for a 9th and a 10th.

Will from my U.S history class is bugging me again. Everyday for the past 2-3 weeks he has asked me if I started my last paper and everyday I give him the same answer. Yes. It started out with, "yes, but its not good," and slowly I shortened it so he could remember it better. "Yes, it sucks," "Yes, its bad," Yes, bad," "Yes." Still the first thing he does when he sees me is ask me if I started my last paper. Why are big brute masculine men so dumb?

Here is something I've been wondering and something I kind of brought up at the camp fire on Saturday. Why am I and some of my other friends so bad with girls? Its not like I care all that much, honestly, but it bothers me that there is so much pressure when it comes to girls and it bothers me that I suck when it comes with girls. Only with girls I find attractive but still. Here is the story I shared with the group. Last week I saw this pretty hot lass reading in the corner of this building. So I walk over there and act like I actually have business over there and I ask her, "Is this Blegan Hall?" and she says, "yes" and I said "Thank you," and that was it. Really smooth right? I think so to.

Here is something I've been kind of wondering, what if Satan is really our savior and god is a actually the evil one? And before anyone gets angry at the question, let me ask you why you think its wrong? Because the bible said so? Well think about this, say in our last presidential election only Bush got to speak and Kerry wasn't allowed to say anything. Who do you think wins? Bush, duh. Well can't this be the same thing? God has a bible and we know what his argument is, but I never heard Satan's side, what if he is the one that is looking out for our best interest? I'm not saying I am going to run around praising the devil and I'm not asking people to do it either. I'm just saying, American people are not open minded and they are so quick to judge things off of the first thing they hear and it bothers me. So if anyone has the devils bible, please let me know because I want to hear both sides before I make my decision. Of course the book is going to be written by a Christian man and is going to be bias. Thank you all you stubborn fucks.
While I'm on the topic of religion, I was thinking, if I am agnostic does that mean I am forever ignorant? And not even just about religion, if you are to open minded does that just make you ignorant? I hope not because I try to stay as open minded as I can.

A couple of weeks ago in Jon's basement after we watched Donnie Darko Jon told me that his parents regret not raising Jon with a religion. I think that is a good thing. Now Jon's religious views are uninfluenced and he is like an embryo ready to soak in what he wants. He can choose his own path as long as he stays open minded. I thought about this because this is how I am politically. I never really cared about politics but as I get into philosophy and sociology I am learning more about politics. Politics can teach us a bunch of great lessons about life. I knew my values and they weren't made by politics and but rather life and it is cool to see where my values fall politically. I am finding that I am more and more liberal as I am learning more and more about politics. In my U.S history class we are in the 80's and we are learning about the conservative movement with Reagen and Bush senior and I just keep asking myself how can people think like this? They say women who protest and gay men are criminals? why!? There were a bunch of other things that came up that I don't agree with, and I want to know, what makes a conservative think like this? Like I say, I am open minded and I know my culture and I want to learn about right wing culture. The better you understand another culture, the better you understand yours. So please, enlighten me.

Zombie Dream Chapter 11

Dawson and I watched the new tonight and it was fairly entertaining. They had this survival tip segment which was pretty funny. The best tip they had was to shoot the creatures in the head because that kills them to quickest. Duh! That kills anything the quickest. They also released some info from the medical tests. They say that the bites are changing humans into the creatures. Most of the people in our group never had the chance to transform. When they died they got ripped apart. They also informed us that these things can actually starve to death. They say these things can last up to 2 months without any food and just a single drop of human blood is enough to buy them another two months. Something medical mumbo jumbo about their cells being able to spread nutrients evenly through out their whole body. They also had some footage from Russia and news that their infected are slightly different from ours. They looked different. Almost bigger and more aggressive. They say that the U.N is estimating that a quarter of the Earths population is gone. So all we have to do is wait this damn thing out? How long can we hold our breaths underwater?


The temporary housing where our builders are going to stay is about a hour and a half away from our hotel. This is our first time here and we brought a bunch of teams to secure the area. Tom is to lead a squad and I will organize another. The area is kind of off on its own but there is a town near by and we don't want to take any chances. Its kind of like a Cabin setting and there a bunch of little houses in the middle of a little forest. I watch Tom enter one side of the building and I work my way around to the other side. I hear a bunch of shots going off inside and the bangs echo between the trees. The noise attracts some monsters roaming around and I can see some running over to where we are. I yell for a couple of teams to defend the people in the cars and my team runs over to help them. They are coming from all sides of the forest and I radio to Tom that we might need back up but he doesn't respond and I hear more shots inside the houses. We do a good job fighting off the roamers. Jon is hovering around the cars and if any of the roamers manage to filter through our perimeter Jon annihilates them with one swift shot. I'm running around every where trying to help who ever I can and trying to direct who ever I can. Each creature drops so easily with a simple clean shot to the middle of their face. Everything is slow and their deaths are so elegant. A panicky level 3 fighter runs into me and knocks me over right as I'm about to shoot a roamer. I look around for my gun but when I see it the roamer is closing in on me to quickly and I get ready to fight it when a car storms in a hits the creature. Dawson sticks his head out of the Jeep and asks if I'm alright and I tell him yea and the tosses me another rifle. I pick the panicky guy up by his shoulders and I toss him into Dawson's jeep. Dawson is holding the roamers off with a pistol and Mitch is in the back with a rifle spraying at the trees and when I knock on the Jeeps hood Dawson takes off. Tom runs out after a while and helps us finish off the roamers. After we secure the area and get everything cleaned up we let the builders move in. I let the builders know that we will always have a bunch of teams on patrol inside and outside and that they have nothing to worry about hoping my words will calm them.

We're at this huge warehouse where we need to pick a bunch of crap up for our building. I don't even know what the things look like so I'm just here to defend. It is going to be tough because some of the things are big and heavy and we need to carry them out but we have everything planned out and it should work out fine. We have a bunch of teams with us again. We all line up at the huge warehouse doors and I give everyone a second to gather themselves. I look back and Tom gives me a nod so I crack the door open and right away people start to pour in. We sneak quietly and we grab a bunch of little things first. We find the heavy equipment and the team that was assigned to carry it moves in. We all make our way back to the front door when something gets knocked over. It sounds like a long pipe and it hits the cement floor and chaos breaks out. We form a perimeter around the carrying team and shoot down anything that gets close. We move at the carrying teams pace but they are moving as fast as they can so no problem. There aren't as many creatures compared to the temporary housing location but we are still careful. We get out the door and the cars all drive up and we quickly load them and drive off.


We are at the temporary house talking some things over and we plan to go visit the site where we are going to build our dream fort. We talk to long and it gets late but we have to search and secure the site tonight because we plan on starting tomorrow. We take more people then we originally planed because we will be traveling at night. No one has ever fought during night because I never deploy people when the sun is down. We all double check our equipment since we need to be more careful this time around. We don't have enough flash lights for everyone but it should be okay. We are also bringing more cars then we planed so we can use the headlights to our advantage. We all hop in our assigned vehicles and take off. The trip seems like its forever. We get there and the place is super creepy. The moon is bright and everything has a light blue glow to it and it kind of looks like there are patches of fog. There are to many trees in the way so we have to walk down to the location. We form our teams and we make our way down the first hill. There are a bunch of people and it looks like we are a search and rescue team. It takes us about 15 minutes to get to the site and it takes us longer since we were super careful. The site is perfect for our building. After a couple minutes of care examination and debating we group up to walk back up the hill. As we are getting into formation we hear a bunch of car horns going off like someone had triggered our car alarms. Everyone remains calm but we all take a defensive position. There is a lot of noise and it sounds like things are moving around in the trees but it could just be the wind. I hear a loud "FUCK!" behind me and a bunch of shots go off. I command everyone to start making their way up the hill as quickly and defensively as they can. We take a couple of steps up the hill when a wave of monsters with their glowing red eyes rush toward us down the hill. It hits me that they are the ones that set off the car alarms. Everyone begins to shoot and I start running around looking for any soft spots in our defense I can help out with. We clear the first wave of monsters coming down the hill and we begin to make some more progress but the hill is harder to go up and a lot of us are slipping. I try to stay back as long as I can and help the people at the bottom. The hill is making it hard for our group to stick together. Some people are progressing faster than others so there are a bunch of thin patches of people on different levels of the hill. I start back peddling up the hill trying to help the people at the bottom when a body rolling down hits me and takes me down with it. My bad shoulder hits a tree but it clings and stops my fall. Tom sees me and runs over to my aid and helps me up. I see Jon and Dean running up the hill on my right and I yell for them and they see me and Tom but I wave for them to keep running up. They stall for as long as they can shooting monsters at the bottom and the small waves coming from the top. Jon and Dean then step to run up the hill when a patch of the hill gives out and they stumble down past me and Tom. Tom and I run over and pick them up. I see the architecture about 20 feet away from me down the hill and I sprint over to grab him. He is in shock and can barely move so I start pushing him up the hill. I tell Tom to take him up to the cars but Tom refuses and tells me that he wants to help down here. I hand him over to Jon and Dean and I tell them to protect him and take him to the cars and they take off. Tom sees a member from his team and he hops down the hill to help him. I stand above Tom and his friend and I give them cover fire. Tom helps his friend up and we turn sprint up the hill when I hear my name from below. Its Jim and his leg is stuck in some mud or between logs or something and I rush down to help him. I run to fast and I trip and I'm sliding head first down the hill. Jim grabs me and slows down my momentum and I stop a few feet down the hill from him. I start tossing a bunch of things off his leg and he manages to pull his leg out. I hear Tom yelling for us to hurry so I push Jim up the hill and I take a look back to see if any more people are down at the bottom. I see a bunch of bodies mostly dead monsters. While I'm scanning I see the biggest wave of monsters emerge from the trees and now we all run as fast as we can. I stay behind Jim to catch him when he looses his footing. Tom and his friend are to fast for Jim to keep up with so they stop once in a while and give Jim and me cover fire when they can. Jim looses his footing really bad and I catch him but his other foot comes back and kicks me in my chest and it sends back flying back. I roll down the hill for a while but a tree stops me and knocks the wind out of me. I try to collect my self but I can't stand with the air knocked out and I start crawling up the hill. I see Tom's friend grab Jim and make their way up and I see Tom sprinting towards me. I try to wave him off but my strength is so low and can barely wave my arms. I feel like puking and I am to scared to look back and see how close the wave from hell is. Tom skids down and stops in front of me and is shooting whatever he can and when he finds a second he helps me up. I yell for him to just go but he refuses and tosses my arm around his shoulder. He is trying his best to walk up the hill while carrying me while shooting at the wave of monsters. I look up the hill and I see a bunch of lights moving down. My vision must have been knocked loose a little to because they look kind of blurry. I hear Jon and Mitch yelling and then I make out the other three running with them are Dick, Dean and Dawson. Tom sets me down to hold off the wave and waits for the others to get down. The others skid down and begin to fire and now I've gotten some strength back and I stand and join them. I tell everyone that I'm okay to run even though I don't know if I can keep up with them and we start moving up. I am more banged up then I had thought and it is hard for me to keep up. I slip but I manage to land my knees and Tom runs down to help me but can't stop in time and slips past me and stops a few feet in front of a small patch of creatures. He fights most of them off but one manages to jump on and I see him using the end of his rifle to bash the monsters head. I slide down to help him and everyone else turns around and gives us cover. I pick him up and we run catch up to the others and when we get to the top of the hill the cars are running and ready to go. We hop jump in and we drive off as fast as we can back to the hotel.

We get back to the hotel and everyone is waiting for us to arrive. Its always the same scene when we lose a battle. Families run to each other and hug the survivors and when families are informed their loved one didn't make it they collapse. I find my family in the same spot where they always wait for me in the back. I tell them what happened and that Tom saved my life. After I go back to help Dean, Jon and Tom's team clean stuff up and then I run up to our room to take a shower. After I finish showering I sit and I tend to my wounds when I hear a knock on the door. I yell for the person to come in and Tom walks in. I smile and I tell him thanks over and over and that I would never had made it out with out him. He doesn't smile or anything and it worries me. He takes a seat and stares at the ground before he says anything. Then he lets me know that he was bit and shows me the wound. My whole soul drops and I try to think of something that will cure him. I feel my insides crying but outside I just wait for Tom to think of something that will save his life. He then says that someone needs to kill him before he transforms and I tell him that there has to be a different way even though I know he is right. I feel like shit because I know if it wasn't for me he wouldn't have gotten bit. Tom tells me that he wants me to "cure" him and I tell him that I couldn't do something like that. We both walk out to let some of the others know and Tom finally talks someone into doing it. We all say our last goodbyes and I watch Tom walk off. I feel like I owe him everything and I owe his family everything. I promise myself not to waste another day and that I will live both our lives out and that one day our loved ones will find peace because of the work he put in. That I will not waste any time with trying to make me happy until everyone else is safe and happy. I stare and watch him walk off until he turns the corner and I can't see him anymore. I walk back to my room and I sit there for the rest of the night and I do nothing.


The dream house is coming along nicely. The workers are putting in a lot of work and I really appreciate their dedication. I come out a lot and watch people build and help them when ever I can or else I sit around and patrol. Jon and Dean came out today and they are cracking a lot of jokes but ever since Tom died it has been hard to laugh. I don't sleep or eat much. I wake up and go strait to work and I work until I sleep. I only eat and sleep enough to get by. I'm pretty isolated and the only people I talk to are the builders and Jon and Dean, sometimes Dick. When ever I need to share a message I usually ask Jon to tell everyone because it is difficult for me to talk to people now. Jon and Dean seem to be slightly worried about my health but I tell them I am okay. A bunch of news vans pull up and I wonder how the hell they found out about this place. Reporters run around and ask for a representative and people direct them toward me and I tell them I don't have time and that Jon and Dawson will answer their questions. Dawson does a good job bull shitting his way through the interviews and busts out a bunch of quotes people used when we watched the news. Still a couple of reporters try to get me to say something and I answer a couple of questions honestly to get rid of them. When we get home I hop in the shower and then I as soon as I jump into my bed I fall asleep and I dream that all this is over. I see myself in my backyard playing in the bright green grass with my kids while we wait for Dean and Jon to come over with their families.

Zombie Dream Chapter 10

Its brutal out in the cities now and it feels like we lose people on every mission now. I slipped and fell on my shoulder again the other day and I don't think its ever going to heal. Although we are losing a lot of people, I have been recruiting a lot of new families too. Families I feel will benefit our group. All the families I've brought in have young males that we can use in our missions and I feel like I'm using them but I tell myself its better for the both of us. Other people have stopped inviting families because I think they are beginning to understand and appreciate my judgment. It seems like all the families that have been killed are families I didn't invite. I think Connie now understands why I asked her to stop inviting people. I can kind of sense things with my intuition. I've been trying to interact more with families I don't know so I can build stronger relationships with all of them, but I've been bringing a lot of people in lately and its been tough. The other day when we went into town, there was this military camp that was giving out food. Looks like the military is finally ready to help out a little. Dawson and I watched the news tonight and they said the medical tests are going well and that they should be able to release some info soon. I tell Dawson to grab me every time he watches the news so I can watch it with him because I don't want to miss out on this important info. The survival segment tonight was funny like usual.


The new people I brought in have really been clicking. All the parents have been really kind to each other and they all look out after each other. The kids enjoy playing together and keep each other busy. Most importantly all the guys that have volunteered to go on missions have really been clicking. Everyone is very disciplined and our missions are in and out and we are losing less people. Actually, our last mission had zero deaths. Dick has come with us on a couple of missions and he has been very helpful. He asks to go out on more with me and the guys but I tell him that we need people protecting the hotel. Just an excuse to keep him here. Non of our Dads go on missions any more either and thats a good feeling. Slowly I've kind of been elected to be the leader of everyone here. It makes me feel good that people trust me now but I think it might be to much pressure to watch over 130 people or so. Slowly with new Jim's help I've been learning how to organize things. People are really good at not treating me like a leader figure and are not putting to much pressure on me. I don't see my family much any more. I actually don't see anyone much anymore. When ever I do have some spare time I dedicate it all to my family. The people I see most are Jon, Dean and new Jim and sometimes Mitch and Dawson. I check up on the mission groups a lot too. I spend most of my days now working out, collecting info, training people and meeting with missions groups, seeing how people are doing, crunching numbers with Dean (supplies and things), talking things over with Dean and Jon, then maybe spending some time with my family when I got time to spare. The days pass way to quickly. And my shoulder is still fucked up. I came up with this idea to group our little military into classes. I group people depending a lot of things like discipline, physical ability, weapon use, etc. Again I use my intuition to place people into their groups and the people have been really understanding. I clump people into 5 levels, 1 through 5. Level 1 being the highest ability level and the group that gets the toughest missions and level 5 people the lowest group. A team consists of 4 people and I randomly formed teams but I moved some names around because I wanted the groups to have good chemistry. Right now there is only two level 1 teams. Jon, Dean and I make up one team and the other level 1 group is lead by a guy named Tom and has 3 of his buddies. Tom has been with us for a little while but when ever we went out on missions he has definitely shown his ability. He is very quick and disciplined and sometimes I think he should lead everyone so I can go back to my normal life but he tells me he couldn't handle it. Our groups have a really good relationship and Tom and I look after each other often. His group worked with my group a couple of times but after this grouping system was created I don't deploy our teams together. Waste of resources. A lot of people ask me why my team only has 3 people and not 4 and I still don't have a good answer why. Sometimes I tell people that I'm saving that spot for rising star and sometimes I use Dicks name. Dick has been put into a level 4 team with 3 other people that I don't know but he gets along with them well. Dawson and Mitch some how got placed in the same team in level 3. Mitch keeps telling me that he and Dawson don't have good chemistry and that my judgment is wrong about this one. Mitch gives me a lot of shit for placing him into a level 3 team and often asks for a promotion but usually I'm able to dodge him with Jon and Dawson's help. Level 5 is our biggest group but mostly consists of our fathers and they don't get deployed but they are asked to defend our home when we are out.

I had this dream the other night and it felt so real. It was a dream about us in the future and we had built our own place in an isolated area with a very strong defense. I brought it up with everyone and they all seemed interested and someone asked me if I thought it might be a good idea to try something like that. I kind of think that its to radical of an idea and that it might be to risky, but I told everyone that we can all think about it and that we should ask more people about it. Dawson and Mitch have been hanging out with these girls a lot lately and when we have a special "The Hood Killers" dinner we asked them about the ladies. Sounds like Dawson and Mitch found them selves some girlfriends. I ask Dawson where he met this special lady and he says, "in this fucking hotel, duh." I was going to ask Mitch the same question but after Dawson's response I felt that my question was unnecessary. Jon tells us that there is this really hot chick but that he hasn't been able to talk to her yet. Dawson and Mitch ask more about Jon's crush and after they figure out who Jon is talking about they tell Jon that they will hook them up. They table turns to Dean and Mitch asks him if he has a love interest and he informs us that he doesn't. Dean busts out a couple of 40 Year Old Virgin jokes then Mitch asks me if I found anyone yet. I laugh and I tell him, "are you kidding? I'm to fucking busy dude." Dawson comes in and goes, "Ya! He is a big shot now, he doesn't have time!" Mitch then asks me about Amanda and I tell him I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks. I correct myself and I tell him that I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks then I ask him how she is. "Ya, she is still hot and very lonely," then Mitch nudges elbows with Dawson since he isn't sitting next to me. "But seriously, you should have made a move after Jamie got killed," Mitch states. I tell him that it wouldn't have worked out and I tell him that if things don't work out with his girlfriend now that he should hook up with Amanda. Mitch quickly snaps and tells me not to jinx things.



Things have slowed down a lot and I have a lot more spare time on my hands but I don't use it very wisely. Just more working out and planning stuff. Sometimes we get really bored so the two level 1 groups go out to areas where people might be and help them out. The news gives us some really good spots where people might be trapped. Sometimes I find some good people and I bring them back with us but we mostly go out to kill some creatures and to entertain ourselves. We don't do this often and it really is a very unnecessary risk. And I feel like I'm setting a bad example and my Mom really hates it. This one time Jon shot the legs off of one with his new shotgun and and smashed its head in with the end of his gun then got mad at him self for getting blood on his shotgun. Dean once killed like 10 of them at once with a well placed grenade. I don't really have any cool stories. I'm all business and I just go for the head and then I set my sights on the next one. Tom fights the same way I do and his guys are probably more disciplined then my guys. Jon finally hooked up with that really cute blond girl he told us about and it wasn't because of Mitch and Dawson. I told her that I needed to meet with her to talk some things over but basically I tricked her to run into Jon. I try not to abuse my power but I figure just this once for Jon. After being around her a couple of times I kind of don't like her. She seems very high maintenance and she is kind of a bitch but as long as Jon is into her I won't say anything. It just seems like she is into Jon because he is a level 1 fighter and she likes the fame but she show flashes of kindness once in a while. Mitch broke up with his girl friend the other day but he isn't taking it to rough. They had a rocky relationship so it was about time the ended it. Dawson is still with his girl friend and they seem to really like each other. I think Dean is hiding it but it seems like he has been talking to someone himself.

Jim calls me over to talk about something so I rush over to his room. As I'm about to walk in Amanda walks out but we don't say hi to each other. I ask Jim what he wanted to talk about he asks me what I thought about that dream I had. I tell him that it was just a dream but that it felt very real. Jim informs me that he has been talking to a bunch of people and that people like the idea and that maybe we should think about doing something like it. I tell him that I think its to risky and that something like that would take a lot of resources and time. He agrees but tells me that life is always going to be dangerous now and that we have plenty of time. He brings up the point that if building this place means that we have a safe place for the future that we should do it. I think about it and I tell him that he is probably right and that we should talk it over with everyone else. He jumps back in and tells me that he has been talking about it a lot with people and that everyone feels like its a good investment. I tell him that I'm glad everyone agrees but that we don't have the materials and the skills to build something like that. He must have planned this thing out pretty well because he then lets me know that some of the people I brought in have very handy skills. We have some technicians and we even have an architecture. I tell him that if everyone agrees to it, we should try it. He thanks me and I thank him and then I walk out. On my way out I cross paths with Amanda again and I open my mouth to say hi but she sneaks inside her room to fast and I hear the door slam. I walk over to Tom's room first since it is closest and I talk things over with him and he tells me that I'm the leader and what ever I choose he will follow. I get kind of embarrassed when ever people say that kind of stuff to me and I tell him not to talk like that. I tell him we should act like friends and for him not to treat me like a military superior. He agrees to it and relaxes a little. He cracks open a beer and offers me one but I decline. I tell him that he should try to cut alcohol from his diet. I don't even support my request and he agrees to it. I tell him I'll get back to him when I know more. I walk over to Jon's room next. I walk in and I find him and Krista watching a movie and I tell him I'll come back later. He waves me in and tells me that they are barely watching the movie and that we should talk now. I have a seat and I present my idea and he tells me that it would be cool. Krista really likes the idea and asks me if she can design her and Jon's room and I tell her of course. I walk next door to Dean's room to talk things over and he tells me he likes the idea.

We have a huge meeting about the plan and it sounds like we are going to try it out as soon as we can. Jim pulls out a map and points out a couple of suitable spots. We all vote on a spot that is off on its own but not to far from the cities so we can drive in a get stuff when we need to. The plan is to start collecting things we need to build the place as soon as tomorrow and after we get everything we start. We also found a temporary place to stay for the builders that is be closer to the site. I hate the idea that we will have 3 locations to defend but this is just the way its got to be. We have enough people to defend all 3 sports now so I think it'll be okay. I meet with the architecture and the other people who are actually going to put this thing together and we plan everything out. They had a bunch of great ideas that would give us the strongest defense and the most comfort. I tell them not to be shy and that if they need anything, to just tell me.